bowling last night was supes fun. i'm so bad at it but i still got two strikes. w000ho0o0o0o






makeup was on point last night. i don't know why i insist on wearing lipstick when i know i'm gonna be drinking beer all night. i always end up just wiping it off.

picture dumping


i tried making a *mug brownie* the other day and it was fucking gross 0/10 would not recommend



erica and i being gawgeous on nye






we went to some *exclusive dance party* where we had to be on a guest list but it was boring so we left



after getting home and arguing about art for 5 hours

my mom asked me to take pictures of the snow for her and i thought these turned out pretty





it's officially over between jake and i. he returned my stuff to me and texted telling me to never bother him again. he is easily one of the cruelest people i have ever met. i deleted his numbers. paul was surprised to hear i didn't have them memorized. i will find a way to be okay.
the job lady called me today and told me that i have to wait til next week to hear if i got it or not. this is so annoying at this point. oh well. fingers crossed.

like anyone else, i hate being sick. the congestion plus my asthma just makes me feel like complete shit. i am glad it hit me before the new year, though, as i'm supposed to be hearing back from that job. the suspense is fucking killllling me.
jake and i broke up... again. we haven't spoken in more than a week. i miss him a lot. i am still deeply in love with him. perhaps this time apart is just what we need for right now and maybe we will get back together in the future but thats just me being confused and hopeful. one of the last things he said to me was that he needed time to think about everything and to get his head straight. and i hope he does and realizes that we don't need to be apart to work on ourselves. i have been good and strong and haven't sent any pathetic texts or drunkenly called him, though i have wanted to. i have random crying sessions but they don't last long. me being sick has made me more prone to them it seems because i started to cry earlier while boiling water, thinking about absolutely nothing. i blame the nyquil.
it's 8 am and i have not slept all night. this sickness has fucked up my sleeping schedule to the max.

i decided that 2k14 will be less of this

and more of this


au revoir

Wishbone
Richard Siken

You saved my life he says I owe you everything.
You don’t, I say, you don’t owe me squat, let’s just get going, let’s just get gone, but he’s

relentless,

keeps saying I owe you, says Your shoes are filling with your own damn blood,

you must want something, just tell me, and it’s yours.

But I can’t look at him, can hardly speak,

I took the bullet for all the wrong reasons, I’d just as soon kill you myself, I say.

You keep saying I owe you, I owe… but you say the same thing every time.

Let’s not talk about it, let’s just not talk.

Not because I don’t believe it, not because I want it any different, but I’m always saving

and you’re always owing and I’m tired of asking to settle the debt.

Don’t bother.

You never mean it anyway, not really, and it only makes me that much more ashamed.

There’s only one thing I want, don’t make me say it, just get me bandages, I’m bleeding,

I’m not just making conversation.

There’s smashed glass glittering everywhere like stars. It’s a Western, Henry,

it’s a downright shoot-em-up. We’ve made a graveyard out of the bone white afternoon.

It’s another wrong-man-dies scenario

and we keep doing it, Henry, keep saying until we get it right…

but we always win and we never quit, see, we’ve won again, here we are at the place

where I get to beg for it

where I get to say Please, for just one night, will you lay down next to me, we can leave our

clothes on, we can stay all buttoned up?

or will I say

Roll over and let me fuck you till you puke, Henry, you owe me this much, you can indulge me

this at least, can’t you? but we both know how it goes. I say I want you inside me

and you hold my head underwater, I say I want you inside me

and you split me open with a knife. I’m battling monsters, half-monkey, half-tarantula,

I’m pulling you out of the burning buildings and you say I’ll give you anything.

But you never come through.

Give me bullet power. Give me power over angels. Even when you’re standing up

you look like you’re lying down, but will you let me kiss your neck, baby? Do I have to

tie your arms down?

Do I have to stick my tongue in your mouth like the hand of a thief, like a burglary

like it’s just another petty theft? It makes me tired, Henry. Do you see what I mean?

Do you see what I’m getting at?

You swallowing matches and suddenly I’m yelling Strike me. Strike anywhere.

I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search

my body for the scars, thinking

Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in? I know you want me to say it, Henry,

it’s in the script, you want me to say Lie down on the bed, you’re all I ever wanted

and worth dying for too

but I think I’d rather keep the bullet this time. It’s mine, you can’t have it, see,

I’m not giving it up. This way you still owe me, and that’s

as good as anything.

You can’t get out of this one, Henry, you can’t get it out of me, and with this bullet

lodged in my chest, covered with your name, I will turn myself into a gun, because

it’s all I have,

because I’m hungry and hollow and just want something to call my own. I’ll be your

slaughterhouse, your killing floor, your morgue and final resting, walking around with this

bullet inside me

‘cause I couldn’t make you love me and I’m tired of pulling your teeth. Don’t you see, it’s like

I’ve swallowed your house keys, and it feels so natural, like the bullet was already there,

like it’s been waiting inside me the whole time.

Do you want it? Do you want anything I have? Will you throw me to the ground

like you mean it, reach inside and wrestle it out with your bare hands?

If you love me, Henry, you don’t love me in a way I understand.

Do you know how it ends? Do you feel lucky? Do you want to go home now?

There’s a bottle of whiskey in the trunk of the Chevy and a dead man at our feet

staring up at us like we’re something interesting.

This is where the evening splits in half, Henry, love or death. Grab an end, pull hard,

and make a wish.