It's been just over 5 years since Machiko and I ended things. Today was her birthday, and popping on FB to send her a small note turned into a far more emotional event than such a simple gesture should beget.

Each new encounter makes me feel increasingly unable to connect. Five years, a quarter of my adult life, of being alone. Amanda was someone I loved, but as much as I resisted it I still held back because inside I knew that her little Quinn was a piece that I couldn't appreciate as much as she deserved. The growing together, exploring and challenging...I associate these with being human, and this deprivation is taking its toll.

I believe I did the right thing with Machiko. I loved her with all my heart, and still do, but I knew she would always believe that we could have a child, and I could not deny something that I knew she could achieve and thrive at. The justification for this helped me through the wretched emotions I dealt with afterwards.

But less and less do I find myself truly relating to what is happening. A disconnection with reality is something of a fear of mine, and for it to take hold of such a part of my life only amplifies its power over me.

Michaelene recently became both engaged and available to expand our friendship, which was a pretty wonderful potential to realize. Yet with all of this the barriers remain, and my understanding diminishes.

I've always been a relatively independent person, but this is not an intentional extension of that trait. There is something about waking up next to someone and saying 'what should we do today' that dramatically changes my attitude over time, in a way I very much relish. The path out of this is wholly obfuscated.

The one change I've thought of is that I need a roommate on my next move, perhaps even trying to break my lease and expedite this shift. Little things like just hanging out in the afternoon during some generally monotonous activity have a noticeable effect on my state of mind. It seems obvious that there is more that can be done but I find myself at a place of ignorance and apathy; a thoroughly suffocating combination.

I need some help, to the point that I'm not even sure what kind of help to seek. Or perhaps I just need to rant to help diminish this paralysis. I've been able to ignore this much better as of late, but I think this medium might be a good way to get this out and hopefully limit the internal distractions.

Have a good night peeps. I'm glad I stumbled into this place in the world.

Having come across an article regarding a 6-year old identified as transgender, I found myself being very critical of the parents in this situation.

There is certainly an amount of admiration towards their openness. However, I find it ridiculous that someone so young is being identified as such. That isn't to say that the person isn't transgender; it just seems (very) premature. I would apply the same reasoning to a child identified as gay, straight, and anything else dealing with sexuality. In fact, the issue (and growing trend) of childrens toys relating to gender demonstrates this pretty well IMO:



In the same way that we say a child's sex is independent of the toys they play with, the activities and artifacts that the child uses should not be used to determine their sex.

I love that she is able to freely engage in these practices, but there is no need to neatly wrap it up in some package.

Of course, when it comes to bathroom use, that's where this breaks down, and it is of course why the 'controvery' and article came to be. It's something I'll be mulling over, along with the question of when such an identify becomes sensible and healthy (puberty being the most tempting answer, even though mental awareness is the far more important yet immeasureable factor).

This was a really powerful video for me...



I've been throw into chokes and armbars while training in MMA, been jumped by kids who did not know any better, and yet it is the words I had to deal with during my time at a poverty-striken high school that caused me the most pain.

The creators made such beautiful use of different mediums and storytelling techniques, all while capturing a message that is often ripe for target by those who commit these acts. This seems different to me.

Link

I don't have much to add...just a great compilation of art out in the streets