so here's the thing:

i over-analyze everything in my life, including people and situations, relationships, moments.

anywho, i started wondering about change and people. do we just become better or worse versions of ourselves, or do we actually change?

i guess i would say i have changed quite a bit, mostly for the better. my biggest vice would probably be that i love gossip and talking way too much. there are situations where silence really is golden and i feel like i just continue to talk way too much about meaningless things that are none of my business.

the changes for the better would be that i know myself better now, and have more confidence in the direction i am headed in. i'm not afraid to be alone, or be lonely. i don't feel like i need to be popular and have everyone like me. i just feel stronger in general.

but, is this just a more mature version of me, or did i get rid of some of the bad things?

i look at people i have known for a very long time who seem to be the same just older, and maybe a wrinkle or two. then there are others who seem to have fallen from their pedestal to become a very sad weathered version of who they once were.

how much of the choices we make affect who we become? do our lives have some sort of path set out that we have less control over than we think, or do our actions set the path...

i would say it's probably a bit of both.

i was bored at work today, had a lot of time to think.

i just wonder if most people have this vision of what they want from life, and if some people eventually let that go and just settle for something less lonely or more convenient.

i feel like so many amazing things are possible for me, and my life is pretty great right now... but i never want to settle. i realize i am probably not going to be world famous and swimming in designer clothing and diamonds... my wishes are simple for the most part:

1. finish my education.... this is the most important, because it will allow a much greater chance of the other things happening.

2. travel... i want more tropical, more adventurous, and more exotic destinations on my road map.

3. family. i already have this, but it would be great to see them more, and for us to all appreciate each other and get along(mostly)

4. love. any kind really. friendship, or romantic, or even the love from a child(which, sometimes i think is the greatest love of all, not the one whitney carries inside of her. she smoked crack and i don't know what love she is talking about.) i just want my life to be filled with any kind of love that is pure and honest. maybe i can just kidnap my niece? who's hard up for cash and wants to run an errand for me?

5. beauty. i hope to age well... this is think can be made possible by eating way less cheese and doing way more pushups. i drink water, and take care of my skin. exercise will need to be increased; greatly.

6. diamonds, and various other precious gems. i have started collected some nice pieces, and i hope for this little collection to grow greatly in the next ten years, by donor or self purchase, i don't care. i just want the jewels. and on a totally off note, wouldn't it be awesome if there was a nice restaurant where you could go and the would serve you like kings and queens and they let you borrow jewels and crowns and beautiful sparkly things while you ate 15 different kinds of delicious meats???? it's really not possible, but i'd like to think of it as pretty pretty princess, with steak and pork, and the like. basically, my dream come true and i would like to move this to the top of the list, but that makes me and empty person, and im trying to fool you into thinking i actually have a soul. jk, sorta.

and that's it. that being said, i am really going to try and get up t 5am for a hike... which means i should go to bed now. which makes me the oldest young person... who's trying to stay young.

So I think my sadness is mostly gone... Maybe I just needed sunshine? Oh, and a long chat with (e:brit)! ;)

Anyway, I seriously hope that brit is gonna visit, I miss her and we would have so much fun!

The children I work with have these scary new robot toys that walk around and make noises... I hate them, they freak me out. What ever happened to lincoln logs?

this has nothing to do with this post, but nice job on the site updates (e:paul)!

maybe it is because my niece left, or maybe it is because i'm tired of working so much and making no money...

i just feel kinda down lately. i doubt it's lasting, i sometimes get like this for a few weeks and totally snap out of it. no one would ever really notice either because i am pretty good at hiding my true feelings most of the time.

i wish i could take a trip and go somewhere tropical, well, i bet we all wish that. i really wish i could take that trip with my whole family, i really miss my sister and brother and that amazing little baby.

i need to get in exercise mode again, because that always makes me feel super good. the last two weeks, no three weeks, i have been a consumption machine, eating anything and everything in sight. i don't think i have gained weight, but i have some pool parties and resort stay coming up.

another major downer is the shiteousness of the dating here in az. i have never met so man sketchy men in my life. i feel like everyone here is kinda passing through and it's a huge valley with lots of people and men here just seem off. not just their style, but their personalities as well. they all lie.

pretty sure one of my closest guy friends is really in love with me, but he is not for me. not that way at least, and he tried to set me up with his friend who seemed just my type and he turned out to be jerk of the century.

i'm hoping the transition to asu will welcome fun new people, however most of the people in the education program turn out to be super conservative goody goody types...

was so bored yesterday morning before work, i cut bangs. they at least look awesome.

and if one more person refers to me as: missy, honey, sweetie, gorgeous, cutie, baby... i will scream

supposed to go on a date on sunday, but not super excited.

i just want to lay in the pool and at pizza and drink champagne, and ignore everyone except for my lovely ginger friend...

i think a blo trip is going to be needed soon... before the tundra settles in.

plz send (e:paul) and (e:hodown) to me. thanx.

I went to my fav restaurant in town last night... Southern Mexican... Bario cafe.

Brought my leftovers for dinner as I have to leave the hospital and go straight to my other job, which will equal about a 15 hour day.

Someone ate my food! Everyone denied it but I know who did it, I've seen her do this before. Payback time. I'm bringing in delicious looking tainted food from now on, so eat away slumdogs!

I wouldn't eat food in a takeout container in a communal fridge, who knows how long its been there?

This whole ordeal has sent me over the edge! People should know not to mess with my food, I'm crazy and I am going to find out who it was and that person is going down peaches!

I can't stand when people smack their lips when they eat.

It is so rude and low class... It makes me want to leave the table and eat alone.

Not going to name the guilty but dear god I hate it so much.

I pretty much assume someone is super trashy and once I hear this...

I am honestly so happy I was raised by my mother. She has given me greayt self awareness. I always over dress, never smack my lips and have very good personal hygiene.

Thanks mom!