observations and thoughts I've made this week:

I am who I am.

Some people date like hyenas. They can't fend for themselves so they either try to steal your catch or wait for your leftovers.

Some people will never be happy unless all attention is on them.

I really miss (e:bambicroft)

Sorry boys, size does matter. Any girl that tells you different is a bad,bad liar.

Don't despair; even if you have a tiny widget you're probably a good fit for a tiny girl. Don't feel like you have to fight for title of World's Biggest Asshole to make up for it.

Green cotton makes me smile.

Something inside me has awakened. I am determined to set it free.

I dreamt I was in a wedding dress of sorts. I was in a mall, something to the like of the Eaton Centre. Several floors high full of fancy shops, the middle divided by a canal large enough for a small cruise ship to enter. My 'parents' were not my parents. My mother was my ex-boyfriend's mother and my father was some man I don't know. I was supposed to get married! It was an arranged marriage to boot. He was a little person, as in dwarf. I didn't know him. I didn't know anyone except my ex's parents. The guy that was supposed to run the ceremony was my ex-boyfriend's father, who is a preacher.

The cruise ship is about to leave on a journey and strangers were grabbing at my arms trying to force me to the ceremony site. I thought I could escape if I jumped for the chains on the side of the ship. I knew I could; until she showed up. She had black hair, black eyes, and long bony fingers. She appeared in a mist hanging on the very chains I was trying to jump for. With the push of a few fingers she hurled the chains at me, striking me in the head and knocking me to the ground. She laughed as the ship pulled away.

The strangers promptly scooped me from the floor and began dragging me, heels dragging, toward the ceremony site. I saw (e:theecarey) passing by. I yelled to her in desperation, "I don't want to get married!" She replied, "We have to do something about this". I continued to yell, "I don't want to get married, please let me go, I don't want to!"

My escorts tried to get me on an escalator that would double as the aisle for my entrance. I could see all the people waiting at the bottom. My body was struck with the most intense anxiety and fear I've known. I was crying and wrestling to free myself from the deathlike grip of my captors.

Suddenly, as if an extension of my will, a fierce wind began to blow up the escalator. We couldn't move. Each step they tried to take would slide back into place. I thought to myself, if I could only break free the wind would release me from this impending prison.

Then I woke in a panic and sweat, still feeling the anxiety I experienced in the dream.

update: the only down side is that it's 4am and i am not the least bit tired.

I got my meds changed. The other stuff made me gain so much weight I couldn't stand it any more. I felt better but also very lazy and tired most of the time. I've only been on this new stuff for a few days and it's a complete 180. I still feel good but I have so much energy!

I've cleaned and organized everything I can think of. I must have washed 8 loads of laundry today because I decided all of my bedding, kitchen towels and blankets needed to be washed too.

HOLY CLEAN SHEET DAY TIMES 10 BATMAN!!!

I really wish I knew how to fix bikes because I'm all about fixing things right now. I just want to take the whole thing apart, clean it all up, replace the breaks and wheels, buff up the bright green fender and go for an icy ride!

If my drill had come in already I would replace the wheels on my giant treasure chest and hAng the spice rack. I can't wait for that thing to get here!!!

Now i am going to try to harness this intense energy and do some studying for this monster comprehensive exam I have next weekend. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

These are from (e:enknot)'s birthday party.

Went great yesterday. She was mighty impressed with my changes over the last few months. My ability to write down the physical things I like about myself. It's hard to do. Partially because I never thought I had anything real stand outish about my shell, partially because I felt guilty announcing if I thought I did. The whole tooting your own horn thing comes easy for many but I suppose I was really brought up thinking that was bad. Really, it is to a degree. We all know the peron that won't shut up about themself. The one that turns everything around so that they are the center of the universe.

Extremes aside, I was able to really look at myself and be ok writing a few things down. Although it's a little awkward, I think it will help to put them out there, to really be ok with what I am saying.

1. I have a genuine smile. Nice teeth included.

2. I have great hair. Not in the sense that I have to style it, rather my actual hair. It's full and wavey.

3. Pretty eyes. I like my rings of green and blue, plus my eye lashes are really long. Apparently some people go to great lengths to create that look.

4. I'm strong. I've always been strong. Even covered in this layer of blubber I'm still strong. I kick ass.

5. Curves. I've got em. I like my boobs, I like my butt. Sometimes I think my butt is a little too big, but ultimately I'd rather have this butt than one of those flat ironing board butts that make your pants hang weird.

So there. I said what I like about me (and yes, this exercise was purely physical aspects) and I'm ok with it. Yeah!


Today's quote:
You should appreciate what is before you rather than admiring what you hope is down the road.