Part of my school work is done.

I have not had the focus that I normally exhibit. Procrastination is a familiar behavior, but I am not feeling very motivated by the rapidly approaching deadline. I would chalk it up to a case of laziness, but I highly doubt that is the case. I have been going non stop for about a year and a half. Maybe I am feeling it.. but I am conditioned to going warp speed on certain matters; and even with that, I am normally pretty well "balanced".

As I think about all of what has gone on lately and the various dimensions of my life and the people in it, it is no wonder that I am having some struggle with focusing. However, I know that this is a temporary glitch and all will be back to normal soon. I am usually able to separate my thoughts and deal with things in such a way as to not disrupt other facets of my life.

So, why not apply the same techniques, coping mechanisms and stress management? Well, some of my typical coping mechanisms are being systematically faded back to lessen the likeliness that I engage in self destructive behaviors and that I am working on shaping other behaviors to deal with issues as other coping mechanisms are no longer employed. I am impressed with my tenacity, strength and resilience- even if I do feel like vomiting and have a knot under my left shoulder.

Yeh, the physiological effects are surfacing, something I was not aware of or experienced before. That too is a temporary state and I will proceed to figure out how to bypass or squelch those effects.

Despite the morass of change, uncertainty and sorting of details that need attending to, I have remained focus on the area of physical change. I consider it the alignment of my outside to my inside.

And that is very well part of it. There are some major changes taking place and I think I am a bit sensitive to everything right now.

So yeh, otherwise I am positive.. things work out in ways that you can not control.. In work, in school, with family, friends and other crazy situations, I bite my tongue, refrain from negative behavior, learn from what goes on and gravitate towards those who I feel good around- those that make me laugh, make me think, those who I feel mentally, physically safe around.. those I can be myself around and those that feel comfortable being themselves around me. Those I have a connection with...

Those that by shear force of being who they are, enhance the sense of balance.

And thats just a good thing..

ya know, friends and things and stuff ;)

(and Hookas, haha)


My post isn't a message. It is really just a ramble- It is what I affectionately refer to as, Brain Poo.

Yes, Brain Poo.

I have so much that I would love to delve into. I have topics that I wish to write about, but not until I have a few spare, quiet and peaceful moments. This is not one of those moments. There are topics, situations and issues that I have been pondering, observing, contemplating and ruminating on, yet have had little chance (or ambition) to write about it. Perhaps that contributes to my "non focus" on school work.

When I have a chunk of time, and it isn't as though I need much time, just enough to type out my thoughts coherently, I wish to form a post about it all. I mean, topics pertaining to political issues, life observations and writing about things that you wrote about in your posts. I have been thinking a lot about one on the last time you felt a sense of elation....which led me to thinking about happiness.. and what it is and what it isn't.. yadda yadda.

Maybe a little road trip is in my future.. I don't have to go far, but I do need to clear my head. Breathe. Laugh. Scream. Think. Laugh some more.. Who's with me?

:)



I have more school work to do.. oh how I look forward to burying my head under my pillows and wrapping myself tightly in my pile of blankets.. to drift off into sweet dreams.

Maybe I will go there first and finish my paper tomorrow-- minutes before class.

Good night.. take care.. be good.

Love, Carey

Extreme Ways

extreme ways are back again
extreme places i didn't know
i broke everything new again
everything that i'd owned
i threw it out the windows, came along
extreme ways i know move apart
the colors of my sea
perfect color me

extreme ways that that help me
help me out late at night
extreme places i had gone
but never seen any light
dirty basements, dirty noise
dirty places coming through
extreme worlds alone
did you ever like it planned

i would stand in line for this
there's always room in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does

extreme songs that told me
they helped me down every night
i didn't have much to say
i didn't get above the light
i closed my eyes and closed myself
and closed my world and never opened
up to anything
that could get me along

i had to close down everything
i had to close down my mind
too many things to cover me
too much can make me blind
i've seen so much in so many places
so many heartaches, so many faces
so many dirty things
you couldn't believe

i would stand in line for this
it's always good in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does
~Moby


One day recently, with the sun shining, people and cars all around.. fresh air awakening the spirit, in this sleepy town... I walk to think. So much on the mind, a long, brisk, urgent walk in nature was needful. iPod and my thoughts, I set out to reflect. Moby, Extreme Ways comes on, and for some reason that i can't quite figure out, it seems fitting for the day.. It felt powerful against the backdrop of my thoughts and the visual information taken in along the way. I post the lyrics here as it is also my user sound.

I need to be asleep...

6:30 will come quickly.. but I will still manange to get my ass up and exercise.

What a weekend.. Fri: Irish Car bombs, The Commitments (thanks, again (e:Vincent) !!), and test driving the Hookah.. Sat: well, St. Matties Day :) and more Hookage! It was great to spend time with the peeps!! Sun: coffee and talking with (e:pyrcedgrrl), Spot, Co-Op, etc.. All good.

Talking is good. Communication on *every* level is vital.

It puts a bounce in your step.

What else? I am delerious... Off to think intensely, then less intensely as I drift off to sleep. Oy.. here is Monday morning....

Have great day everyone!!!!!

xo Carey

Wow.. have I really posted over 100,000 words?

crazy.

I knew it!

My kitties were stalking my fridge yesterday. They were staring at it intently. An occasional paw would be dipped underneath only to come up empty pawed.

For those with animals, you know that when they are staring at something you cannot see, it does not mean that something is not there.. usually there is.

But what?

My cat Joe is the most inquisitive. He is also tenacious. When he finds something of interest, he is very thorough with his new found amusement, whatver it may be.

In this case, it was a mouse.

Let me state for the record: My furballs are not mighty hunters. They are Mosquito Slayers, at best.

Or perhaps they are much more diabolical then their cute little whiskers let on.

I came home from class with the two of them poking their noses around the floor, following something I could not immediately see. I too, had to join in on the hunt. Ofcourse, I was slightly scared about what I would find. (yeh, I am so chicken at times)

So the three of us are crawling on the floor, dipping behind various pieces of furniture. I am checking behind curtains and moving chairs and cat toys along the way. Joe heads the hunt and helps lead me to the tiny four legged prey.

I jump up and grab the small bathroom garbage can.

Once I knew for sure that it was a mouse, I began demanding that the cats kill it. I could tell that they havebeen playing with and tormenting the little mouse for quite some time. It looked like it has been in a state of panic for hours. Days even...

"kill it" "come on, get it.. kill it already!"

So I see them bat furiously at the mouse I couldn't reach. I am not sure why I wanted it dead.. I kinda like little mice. However, tonight.. I sense the hunt.

But if I couldn't get to it.. I needed them to do it for me.

"Team work" made it possible to scoop the mouse into the garbage can, in which I then promptly headed out into the cold night, to release it into my neighbors yard.

The mouse will stay away if it knows what is good for it.

I hope there aren't any others..