I had a moment (or two or three) last night.


First Moment: During my entire graduate program I have been assimilating the information to a world that I know--and trying to figure out more about what I don't know (yet). I am intrigued by the sense of having many of the pieces to the "puzzle"within my "life repertoire". What I am experiencing with this program is that I am now better suited to put those pieces together. Things make sense on a much deeper level, and now I am taking that and expanding on it. I hold no school of thought as an authority on any part of my thinking. I also take what I learn from a subject as determine how it applies within various contexts.

So, I am a big fan of quantum physics. (subatominc particles, nuclear physics, blah blah) http://theory.uwinnipeg.ca/physics/quant/node1.html

well, anything Quantum (quanta)
I particularly resonate with Chaos Theory --Funny that it has slipped my stream of consciousness over the course of the year. Yet it has somehow surfaced within many of my thought patterns. There were a few occasions in class that I wanted to address a topic utilizing Chaos Theory (WIKIPEDIA - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_theory)as a form of reference. Then there are other times that I wonder why I would bring certain thoughts back around to this theory, it isn't as though I don't have an extensive knowledge base to pull from (btw, I suck at Jeopardy, I need more than 15 seconds to process the question and form an answer. I am delighted by those who can fire off answers to questions, as I sit there in the dust-- don't ask me, as I won't know the answer until my thought is fully baked!)


Ok, I am now out on that. You are officially privy to my deep seeded nerd tendencies.

I love to wrap my mind around anything Quantum- it can be applied to so much! Chaos Theory is a turn on. As are all things cerebral. That's my happy place. I visit other places, but I always return to the brain. Its where it ALL starts. You know this to be true.. Do I need to say it? Sex, baby..Lets get on with the mentalcourse --creativity, imagination, sensuality- pleasures in life-- start with the mind...
Anyhow, I am now finding that there are Others who relate to chaos theory and find that it applies directly to--choose-- Organizational Leadership, Organizational Psychology, --all has to do with systems thinking, which is rooted in some applications of Quantum physics--and even more so, Chaos Theory. This information can be applied to numerous situations. I found a few people (serendipitously, during some research. I am going to contact them) that incorporate Chaos Theory into their work. Chaos, complexity, confusion---catalysts for change and growth.

If you're not confused, you're not paying attention--Tom Peters

Shivers ran up and down my body..excited to the point of bursting-- nerd elation This is what I think about, this is how I think, this that I have been unable to put my finger on is something that I have had my hand in for a very long time? Why didn't I see it before now? Well, apparently I did... Now I see that it is really out there--I guess I needed the validation of seeing that others think similarly.

I am jotting these thoughts down while in class. Coincidentally I was just able to make a comment about Chaos Theory. What is it and why I like it. I felt cheesy in my exuberance..

I haven't spent time reading my delicious quantum books, chaos books, complexity books and articles in a very long time. Well,not since before starting grad school.

Let me go dust off those books and reacquaint myself. I love to learn and unlearn.



Second Moment: Whipped cream--the kind out of the can is sensually delicious.

I have a deep urge to finger paint with it.
Found some ripe strawberries at my local market. I also spontaneously grabbed a can of whipped cream. Then went home and made a cup of hot chocolate and prepared a bowl of strawberries.

However, some things are better shared.

I really like this song right now. I tried to upload it as a user sound, but alas it is too damn big. Sad.. I encourage you to listen to it somehow, if you haven't already..


Be Still My Heart (by: Postal Service)

I was running late for work
So I didn't change my shirt
The evening's drinks left a lingering taste in my mouth
And when I left
You were fast asleep
Tangled in the sheets
And on the bus I could have sworn it was all a dream
And it didn't happen to me

And then I felt the scrapes
From the slippery subway grate.
Oh how you laughed
At my complete lack of grace.
But I could not recall
A more perfect fall
Cause when I looked up into your eyes
It didn't hurt at all.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.

And I thought, be still my heart
This could be a brand new start, with you.
And it will be clear
If I wake up and you're still here with me in the morning.



Happiness manifests in many forms; if you allow it.

Growing up, the strongest sense of elation and happiness was brought about by milestones and novel life experiences. Birthdays (all of them, but especially those centered around turning of age events), Firsts (riding a bike, winning a fight, drink, kiss, car, sex, etc), and Achievements (out of the diaper and onto the toilet, haha,- yeh, I remember these things- also school projects, graduations, personal hurdles, for some; marriage, babies, divorce, reconciliation- anything you deem an achievement). Other means for that sense of elation are those that center on Newness-- new relationships, new friendships, new job, new car, new toys, new newness.

When we become adults,(ie; you accept responsibility and make choices beyond yourself) our experiences shape our daily outlook and attitude. Milestones become more random and sometimes dreaded. At this point, we must be active in attaining that sense of elation.

Many moments of elation stem from a singular event. You look forward to IT, you work towards IT, IT appears to be happening, IT happens, You are HAPPY because of IT: Temporarily. Then the feelings surrounding IT seem to fade. That is natural progression of how our brains operate. Major events bring upon short lived elation. Blame it on neurotransmitters. This is just what it does when you are dating someone you really dig:


(and neurotransmitters can also depress the ability to feel happy- which is not indicative of a persons choice of lifestyle or attitude- but of their mental make-up- so this would not necessarily apply; in which I offer hugs and support not so much wisdom.. )

So how does one become a happy individual? Although we can't quite achieve that sense of elation (naturally) for an extended period of time, there are ways to increase your sense of happiness. I am confident that you all know what I am talking about, and I am also guessing that there are those of you who this comes more naturally to. Good for you..

So this happy feeling- Are you ready to go there?

Each day you must find things that make you smile, laugh, think, feel good, feel safe--did I mention laugh? To wait for the next big thing- or next newness is striving for a temporary boost. It is great to feel the excitement of something new or feeling a sense of accomplishment when something you have worked for has come to fruition. Sure, it can be the catalyst for greater things to come. However, lets go deeper than that..

At the beginning of your day, ask yourself, How can I make this day better? (what can I say, do, not do), at the end of the day, reflect:"How could I have made this day better? Neither are ones that you would do daily, if at all.. and for some, they already do, even if they are not aware of it; and if you are, that is very powerful stuff.

Don't wait for someone to do or say something specific to make you happy. Believe it or not, you have quite a bit of control in that area.

How so?

Attitude. I don't mean walking around with a cheesy smile on your face and ignoring all that is going on around you.. (although sometimes it is tempting.. ), I mean, your outlook on life, the degree to which you feel you are responsible for the things that go on in it and expecting the best for yourself, knowing you can pull through anything that is thrown at you, letting go of things you cannot control, biting your tongue when all someone needs is an ear, having gratitude, cherishing those people who are in your life that you care about, worrying less about what people/society expects from you and follow through on your own expectations. Letting it out rather than bottling it in, compassion for peoples stupidity (rather than devising ways to get back at them), FIND HUMOR in as much as you can; view life as a comedy. Laugh at yourself. Pat yourself on the back. Be kind to yourself--your negative thoughts will have an overall effect on you.


Your attitude is your responsibility. For those that are not aware of this responsibility, they will find that there are in a perpetual cycle of starting and ending things in pursuit of this elation feeling. People will continually seek the Newness, and when that fades, they gravitate towards the next New Thing. Its ok to seek a new challenge--but it has to be out of personal motivation and perhaps the need to change as opposed to forming a temporary sense of well being.

Think about this: there is happiness in perseverance. There is happiness in the bond and history you share and build with someone. There are the systemic effects of the initial IT that you went for. For example, I was intensely elated upon gaining entrance into Grad School. That feeling has faded.. however, I am happy that I am formally learning and challenging myself. I know that my life is better for it. I am a better person for it. On the relationship side, I imagine that after the initial newness has subsided, that other feelings will replace it, permanently. That person will be included in my world of being able to laugh, smile, think, feel safe, take on the world together, be cherished, and that my attitude will work to make the days as happy as possible.

I find happiness in simple things. Much of it is in the things, experiences and people I love.

I don't wait for the perfect moment to do or say something. Some times are better than others, of course. Sometimes I am chicken to say and do things.. ahh I have plenty to learn :)

I am not constantly running around with a smile on my face, full of bubbling cheerfulness (yikes). I know what the general discussion of happiness and elation is about. --original post, find it here: (e:byllc,3)
I get it; but my thoughts on the subject took me elsewhere, hence this post. One train of thought begot another.

For the record, I do not have life down to a science- I don't know everything. Often I feel that I do not know much at all. Yet I find myself thinking, I wondering, forming thoughts, then I share them. I am aware. I listen. I observe. I learn. I unlearn. I make mistakes. I don't always do things right, but I try to do the right thing.

Random moments off the top of my head..

Elation at finding out about my entrance into grad school.. will be done in August, yet graduation ceremony is Friday May 19th at 1pm

Finally coping with issues, stress, feelings in a positive manner�¢?"not backsliding into self destructive behavior. A little is fine, used as a crutch and not dealing with underlying problem, is not. I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, that I was so damn proud of myself that I felt that tinge of elation--before I burst into tears, haha.. Seriously though, that has kept me going..

Photography: Jumping into icy Lake Ontario for a close up shot of an icicle, that was amusing- of which has not been an isolated incident. I do entirely random stuff.. I don't care. I like it--contributes to my happiness :)

Good music, dancing, letting go.. feeling it and moving to it.

Appreciating little things, moments in the day that tickle me or that I can reflect on.

Seeing, experiencing, being intricately part of the progress of a particular (autistic) child that I work with. I am deeply proud of him on a daily basis. Just today we played catch with a nerfball. This coming from years of zero eye contact, no interaction with the world around him, limited verbal and high frequency of severely intense, aggressive, dangerous behavior. Too see him look at me and laugh along with me while we played catch. Amazing..

Deeply appreciating friendships, knowing who I can talk to.

Great conversations, connections, bonding, spending time with people whose company I thoroughly enjoy.

Writing, singing, nature, closeness, comedy, playing outside (anyone up for some nerf tossing?)

Ahh, kissing. The kind that you can fall in love over.

Embracing my child-like ways (not childish- there is a distinction)- big Happiness factor.



Hmm...so the last time I felt that sense of elation was....




Good night, be safe, smile for me..
XO Carey

Extreme Ways

extreme ways are back again
extreme places i didn't know
i broke everything new again
everything that i'd owned
i threw it out the windows, came along
extreme ways i know move apart
the colors of my sea
perfect color me

extreme ways that that help me
help me out late at night
extreme places i had gone
but never seen any light
dirty basements, dirty noise
dirty places coming through
extreme worlds alone
did you ever like it planned

i would stand in line for this
there's always room in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does

extreme songs that told me
they helped me down every night
i didn't have much to say
i didn't get above the light
i closed my eyes and closed myself
and closed my world and never opened
up to anything
that could get me along

i had to close down everything
i had to close down my mind
too many things to cover me
too much can make me blind
i've seen so much in so many places
so many heartaches, so many faces
so many dirty things
you couldn't believe

i would stand in line for this
it's always good in life for this

oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
then it fell apart, it fell apart
oh baby, oh baby
like it always does, always does
~Moby


One day recently, with the sun shining, people and cars all around.. fresh air awakening the spirit, in this sleepy town... I walk to think. So much on the mind, a long, brisk, urgent walk in nature was needful. iPod and my thoughts, I set out to reflect. Moby, Extreme Ways comes on, and for some reason that i can't quite figure out, it seems fitting for the day.. It felt powerful against the backdrop of my thoughts and the visual information taken in along the way. I post the lyrics here as it is also my user sound.

I need to be asleep...

6:30 will come quickly.. but I will still manange to get my ass up and exercise.

What a weekend.. Fri: Irish Car bombs, The Commitments (thanks, again (e:Vincent) !!), and test driving the Hookah.. Sat: well, St. Matties Day :) and more Hookage! It was great to spend time with the peeps!! Sun: coffee and talking with (e:pyrcedgrrl), Spot, Co-Op, etc.. All good.

Talking is good. Communication on *every* level is vital.

It puts a bounce in your step.

What else? I am delerious... Off to think intensely, then less intensely as I drift off to sleep. Oy.. here is Monday morning....

Have great day everyone!!!!!

xo Carey

Part of my school work is done.

I have not had the focus that I normally exhibit. Procrastination is a familiar behavior, but I am not feeling very motivated by the rapidly approaching deadline. I would chalk it up to a case of laziness, but I highly doubt that is the case. I have been going non stop for about a year and a half. Maybe I am feeling it.. but I am conditioned to going warp speed on certain matters; and even with that, I am normally pretty well "balanced".

As I think about all of what has gone on lately and the various dimensions of my life and the people in it, it is no wonder that I am having some struggle with focusing. However, I know that this is a temporary glitch and all will be back to normal soon. I am usually able to separate my thoughts and deal with things in such a way as to not disrupt other facets of my life.

So, why not apply the same techniques, coping mechanisms and stress management? Well, some of my typical coping mechanisms are being systematically faded back to lessen the likeliness that I engage in self destructive behaviors and that I am working on shaping other behaviors to deal with issues as other coping mechanisms are no longer employed. I am impressed with my tenacity, strength and resilience- even if I do feel like vomiting and have a knot under my left shoulder.

Yeh, the physiological effects are surfacing, something I was not aware of or experienced before. That too is a temporary state and I will proceed to figure out how to bypass or squelch those effects.

Despite the morass of change, uncertainty and sorting of details that need attending to, I have remained focus on the area of physical change. I consider it the alignment of my outside to my inside.

And that is very well part of it. There are some major changes taking place and I think I am a bit sensitive to everything right now.

So yeh, otherwise I am positive.. things work out in ways that you can not control.. In work, in school, with family, friends and other crazy situations, I bite my tongue, refrain from negative behavior, learn from what goes on and gravitate towards those who I feel good around- those that make me laugh, make me think, those who I feel mentally, physically safe around.. those I can be myself around and those that feel comfortable being themselves around me. Those I have a connection with...

Those that by shear force of being who they are, enhance the sense of balance.

And thats just a good thing..

ya know, friends and things and stuff ;)

(and Hookas, haha)


My post isn't a message. It is really just a ramble- It is what I affectionately refer to as, Brain Poo.

Yes, Brain Poo.

I have so much that I would love to delve into. I have topics that I wish to write about, but not until I have a few spare, quiet and peaceful moments. This is not one of those moments. There are topics, situations and issues that I have been pondering, observing, contemplating and ruminating on, yet have had little chance (or ambition) to write about it. Perhaps that contributes to my "non focus" on school work.

When I have a chunk of time, and it isn't as though I need much time, just enough to type out my thoughts coherently, I wish to form a post about it all. I mean, topics pertaining to political issues, life observations and writing about things that you wrote about in your posts. I have been thinking a lot about one on the last time you felt a sense of elation....which led me to thinking about happiness.. and what it is and what it isn't.. yadda yadda.

Maybe a little road trip is in my future.. I don't have to go far, but I do need to clear my head. Breathe. Laugh. Scream. Think. Laugh some more.. Who's with me?

:)



I have more school work to do.. oh how I look forward to burying my head under my pillows and wrapping myself tightly in my pile of blankets.. to drift off into sweet dreams.

Maybe I will go there first and finish my paper tomorrow-- minutes before class.

Good night.. take care.. be good.

Love, Carey