I have a ton of laundry to do; I have heaps of clean and dirty laundry growing on my bedroom floor. Add rabid dust bunnies, dishes, bras and socks strewn all over my apartment to the mix, and what I have is a total mess. I even have beer bottles lining my bath tub. I should take pictures, nah, maybe I won't. Sometimes I like making a mess. I am sure to keep adding to the mess before I get a chance to clean up after myself. The question is whether I will be as thrilled to clean it up.


I am not a fan of Mondays, so this morning it was difficult to drag myself out of bed. Once I was out the door I felt pretty good. I put on energetic music and finished 'waking up' on the drive to work. After a weekend marathon of the three Die Hard movies topped with a viewing of Kill Bill vol 2; combined with the icey cold air that not only pierced my lungs but may have affected my brain,[inlink]theecarey,52[/inlink] made for a very sassy, goofy, and obnoxious Monday morning. My beloved coworkers were beside themselves, the kiddo that I work with, whom my coworkers refer to him as my "son", also seemed to enjoy my mood. The remainder of the day went by pretty well. This evening was quiet: just relaxing, writing, watching tv and eating some dinner.

As for new stuff, I began a new class. I have my absolute favorite professor of all time. I am so excited. The entire class is thrilled with having this teacher again. We spent the first part of class just catching up on our lives and all of us gushing over him. He claims that it is a good personality match; but he was being quite modest. It is primarily a matter of his being a good facilitator, public speaker, motivator and all around brilliant. We had him for our very first class, about a year ago. We still refer to the things he had talked about, that got us thinking and always managed to wrap all the information back around. His teaching us again is perfect timing, as the courses and material had been dragging us down. It has been a long, challenging year, and while we have just 10 months left, we are in need of a fresh approach. He is demanding of us, challenges us, and makes our brains hurt with information; nothing different than any of the other teachers and courses, but the vital difference is that he appeals to our inspirational side. We want to learn, we want the challenge, we want to unlearn and think about things from a different perspective and he facilitates that with finesse.

This past Thursday night was just a great evening of conversation. I am friendly with everyone; both in school and at my job. People know who I am and I make a small effort to be kind. My shy, quiet and slightly reserved nature makes it easy for me to appear aloof and standoffish, so whenever I think about it, I reach out to people. Consider it practice, I suppose. Being shy sucks. Yet throw me in front of a crowd and I am fine. Must be the one on one stuff. Hell, I'm learning. Anyhow, people still like me and my quirks.

So class this past week was exciting for the depth of interactions I had with a few of my classmates, all of whom I have regular contact with on the phone, email, in and outside of class. I also enjoy a good rapport with some of the college administration. Prior to class a few of us engaged in a lively conversation that started off light hearted then turned into a passionate debate then panned out into a great connection. Our dialogue did not center on a particular subject, although politics, religion, peoples mind sets, relationships and lifestyles laid the foundation. It was interesting to experience the difference in perceptions of people that you thought you knew. Having information added to your schema of an individual(s) is amazing. I tend to view the knowledge of learning more about someone as a positive. As I learn more about someone else, I learn more about myself.

That evening was a catalyst for putting some things in my life into perspective. I shared some information about myself beyond the realm that I normally would, and in a group at that. In hindsight, I am surprised at myself yet also proud. Over time, especially in the past year or so, I have been able to share more freely. I attribute these changes to the tail end experience of my back injury, the experience of working where I am at and all that I have learned in my graduate program. Also to a few select people who have had the patience and caring, trusting, confident demeanor that I need for this to happen. Thank you.

I have always used the written means to sort out my thoughts and feelings. It is quite another to articulate them verbally. I still struggle with that, but as with anything else, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. But just talking with these people, these friends of mine, men, women, various ages, backgrounds, was just a good thing. Who knew that such a random conversation could uplift your spirits? I went in with a heavy weight and came out with the burden completely lifted; and I am not even quite sure what that weight was. I have been struggling with various areas of my life. Sometimes it just gets me frantic, on the inside. Hidden. Although I can't determine which area has been bothering me the most. I think a lot about my current place of employment and my pending graduation. I think about how I am not in a position to fully take care of myself, which drives me crazy. It is partly to do with money, it is more to do with feeling lost at times. As is, where the hell am I going? (this is a future journal prompt)

So I work on making things better (through education, networking with organizations, etc) yet all that seems so far away, although it is not far away at all. I am accustomed to doing everything, taking control of my life and systematically doing things to make the changes that I seek. I've lived on my own since I was 19. I initially started off living with a boyfriend. I learned a lot during that time. No regrets. I had some roommates on and off, but found it easier to just pay the bills on my own rather than wonder if they would be able to take care of their share of the responsibilities. Overall, I have been taking care of myself since I was 9. Father out of the picture, sister who, 8 years older, ran away by the age of 16, Mother who worked all the time; three jobs to support us. I saw her on Mondays. I got myself off to school and came home to an empty house. Made my dinner, hated it when my friends could not come out to play. I thought it was entirely normal to do the things I did at such a young age. I stayed out of trouble although I knew just where to find it. However, I did not want to put my mother through the turmoil that my sister did, so I chose to be the "good daughter". Funny, how that bites me in the ass now, in regards to the relationship between my sister and I.

Anyhow, I have done alright for myself. As I have mentioned in other posts, I do not write the things that I do to complain. They are reminders of what I have done, what I have accomplished, what I need to do to be a better person and to help give me direction. And I know that people are in all states of turmoil and that I have fared pretty damn well. No, not complaining. It is when I am feeling lost that I realize I must look to see where I have been in order to figure out where I am going. I plug away, trying to make good choices. I simply do the things that I like to do and I work towards being able to continue to have that freedom to choose what I want out of life. However, I am not as strong as I appear to be. I know this and this is no revelation. Are any of us?

Yet I am capable, intelligent, loyal and am tenacious and driven towards the things, people and situations I care about. Indeed.

What has tweaked my perception is how to handle this seemingly perpetual struggle. I make mistakes, I do and say stupid stuff and sometimes I do not say anything because I am stuck in my head. I am dealing with some of my struggles by letting some of it go, or rather, let it work itself out as it may. Other areas, I can make a decision as to how I want to actively tackle the issue. I haven't an answer, but something has made me feel much better. Things aren't necessarily better, but how I handle them, how I feel them and how I look at them, are somehow better.

The gnawing feeling is not there.

And so, this conversation with my friends prompted me to take a closer look at all those things, of which I am sure to continue to write about.

Good night and take care,
Carey

I have so much to say! There is no beginning or end, just a whirl of thoughts, revelations and anticipation. Allow me to ruminate quietly before I write; I sense that it will amass another chapter. I'll work in Word and eventually post it here. In the meantime, I share my day.

"I am ready."

That is the statement that came to mind as I finished my journey through Fort Niagara.

On choosing my walking path, I forwent the clear roads in favor of the snow dusted earth. I walked briskly for warmth for the suns rays did little to warm the freezing air.

I brought my camera. Well over a hundred pictures, here are a few..































I had taken quite a few pictures at this point. I had been walking around snapping pictures, keeping the camera on and ready. It had been awhile since I had charged my batteries and I assumed that it wouldn't be long before I notice the low battery indicator. Sure enough, shortly thereafter the camera flashed its warning. I kept going, trying to squeek out a few more shots. Eventually the camera turned off on itself.
Right then, I noticed in the distance, something sparkling. A tree branch was encased in ice. The branch extended over the water, approximately 10 feet. The ferocious waves, the sun interspersed with the darkening sky was magnificent. Right then I wanted to get closer. I wanted a picture. I cared not for anything but getting over to this gorgeous branch.
And so I ran down the beach, through the sand, ice and snow to get closer to this branch. I ran and ran. It was further than I initially thought, as the beach (or the Fort) plays tricks on your perception of distance. I kept running, the icey air penetrating my lungs. I laughed at myself, but dammit, I needed to get there. And quickly; maybe I could get just one more picture..
I got to my destination, got closer to the branch and before I thought about it, I jumped right into the icey cold water of Lake Ontario.
I jumped right in, feet first. Almost to my knees. And the waves crashing all around me; reaching my arms, thighs and back.
I almost fell on my ass.
It was amazing.
My camera turned on one last time.
And a few more pictures I gratefully took.
I didn't feel the wet or the cold. I didn't care if anyone saw the crazy girl jump into the sub zero Lake. I just knew what I wanted and I went for it.
Again, amazing.
After, I looked around. My only audience were about 100 Canadian geese.
And I just laughed.

and I thought, "I am ready."






























The view of Toronto can be magnificent. Some days you can see a stretch of T.O. than goes on and on. Some of those times, you can see the light reflecting off of windows. Today you could see the building forms, but not too clearly. In one picture you can make out the city, but it comes up much further than when looking at it with the naked eye. I would love a picture, but my camera does not pick up those details. Maybe it does.. I never did read the user manual it came with when I bought it 3-4 years ago.


Ahh, so now I am home and finally warmed up.

First thing: Mission accomplished.

Once my mind is set to something, I am relentless. I took to the thought of renting all of the Die Hard movies. Therefore I set out to scour all of the Blockbusters in WNY for Die Hard, Die Harder and Die Hard with a Vengeance. I never thought it would be that difficult to find some old Bruce Willis movies. It gave *me* a headache! Lol. I just really want to see those movies and I eventually found them, in three different locations. I will have to make sure I get them back to the right store. So one of these days soon, I will be sitting down to a Die Hard marathon. Lol.

Although chilly, the cloudless sunny day encouraged continued playtime outside. Layering in long sleeve shirts, sweatshirt and gloves, I took out a months worth of trash, bounced the basketball against the side of the apartment and walked around the neighborhood. The last of the flowers have died, but the grass is still quite visible. I begin to yearn for some snow. I envision cross country skiing and contemplate heading to Lockport Ski Shop to do some pricing (which I did not do today).

Forward to Dana, (e:pyrcedgrrl) giving me a call, wondering where the hell I have been all day. Apparently I was to give her a call so we could go do something; but the slacker I am got sidetracked. Shortly thereafter we headed out; Buffalo being our default destination (food, Spot, Books, etc)

My favorite place to be (and often still is) is my mind and the creative and intelligent imagination that fuels it.

As a child I imagined having the ability to choose any play environment that I desired. In a matter of moments I could go from running like a cheetah through a jungle to playing in a zoo to scaling mountain sides. Or I'd bounce from Youngstown, NY to Greensboro NC to St. Catherines Ont, where various friends and family lived. Often I would take a trip to some other universe or just travel across the seas; finding adventure and solace in being anywhere but where I was at in that moment.

Another neat trick that I imagined and sometimes desperately wished I could do was visit any season at any moment. If it was too hot and muggy, I could walk across the street to build a snowman. And on cold days, after the 5 millionth snowflake fell, I could go for a swim down the street where it was summer.

Tonight felt something like that.

In 24 miles it went from sunshine and greenery to clouds and a lot of white stuff.

It was amazing!!

I felt the excitement grow as sparse snowflakes quickly turned into a cool sparkling release. Sudden lake effect snow is intense and gorgeous, and as I had yet to see any snow, this was extra special and fun. Especially since just a few miles back, everything was relatively green. Eventually, I might just have to make a move to Buffalo!

We tromped through the snow, giggling and looking around in amazement. I am sure we both looked quite flushed as the gentlemen who seated us at India Gate inquired about our evening adventures. They were in awe that we had not seen any snow as of yet.

So now that I have seen the snow, it can go away.

Nah, I like the snow, the cold (but not icy) weather and all that it encourages; things such as renting movies, drinking hot cocoa, snuggling, napping and slowing down a little bit. I even like driving in it, although not long distances on the highway during rush hour. That can be daunting and anxiety provoking, as there are too many opportunities for bad things to happen. Yuck. Other than that, bring on doing donuts in empty parking lots, throwing snowballs, hopping into snow piles, making my own driving lane and other winter activities. Besides skiing, I really want to go on a sleigh ride. I am not sure if anyone offers such a thing, but I think I would really like it. I think about it every year although I never inquire about it. Maybe this year.

And so, as an adult, I still use my imagination quite a bit. That has gotten me into some trouble, gotten me out of it, and more often than not had led to some memorable fun. I allow myself to get excited over relatively simple things and I am thankful for that. Maybe it is the laid back side of me. I can appreciate the ability to make the most out of a situation/ circumstance..both good and not so good. I can't twitch my nose and make things right, but I can do all that is in my power to make things better; and if I can laugh somewhere along the way, even better. 'Cause you can choose to laugh or cry, right? Then there are times when I can't get beyond the immediate situation and I just close up. It is a coping strategy and a means to deflect what I might really want to do such as scream. My train of thought just jumped to yesterday; as my Thanksgiving day was all jacked up. *shrug*. I care yet I don't; no, it is that I do not have the energy to spare on something that is too messy to sort out. I will have to work on figuring out how to deal with the underlying issue(s). I realize family can grow apart, and when you aren't that close to begin with, it can be hard to connect on any level. phfftt! Do I have the strength and know how to get things to a better place? oy, everyone considers me the strong one in the family. But, I think that will have to be the subject of another post.. trying to formulate my thoughts on this leaves me suddenly delirious. Blah.

Off to dreamland I go :)

I might need to find a hobby or something else I can do to occupy my down time. Not that I really ever have an excess of it. School keeps me busy and I have a talent for balancing my life pretty well. There are times when circumstances throw me off, but all I can do is be grateful for what is going well. I encourage people to see those things and to cherish those that you care about. Our world is too fragile.. too fucked up.. too little time to let dumb stuff get in the way..
Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.

This time of year throws me off balance a little bit. I slow down, I am not as motivated to do things and I often just want to crawl into bed after a day at work. I am still happy and pleasant; this is not a depressed state of mind. I think it is attributed to the darkness, as I would otherwise be spending my time outside, playing with the basketball, nerfball, gardening, messing with the car, going for walks, reading, doing school work and hanging with friends on any given day. Now it is almost dark as I am coming home.

So this week, I walk in the door, make something quick for dinner and then look around and ask myself, "now what?" This week I have no class and therefore nothing that is due until next week. I always have school work to do (but only for another nine months) but I don't always want to be absorbed into that. I am excited over this free time and I have been utilizing it fairly well, but I have little ambition to seek an engaging task. Well, I managed to wash my dishes tonight :)

I thought about looking into dance class. Not that long ago I had been regularly taking Middle Eastern dance class. I immensely enjoyed it and felt quite feminine in the process. I stopped once I couldn't juggle it in my schedule any longer. I had been working full time, and 1-2 extra jobs, then began full time grad school.. at some point I needed to pare down my life. No one saw me the first few months into my program. I completely dropped from sight; my friends and family seeing me for a few rare minutes at a time. Although I resigned myself to this lifestyle, eventually I became more efficient as my brain adapted to formal learning again. I also learned some nifty shortcuts..

I know some classes will be more intense and time consuming than others, so I am reticent about committing myself to a set schedule/time slot say, with taking a dance or art class. This brings me to finding something in the apartment that I can do to keep myself occupied and stimulated when I have no other responsibilities to take care of.

When the snow dumps, I will ski. But when it is dark.. hmm, I have yet to figure it out.

In the mean time, I shall write, post random pictures and watch a lot of tv.For example:

I found a new flower that poked up through the dirts and fallen leaves. It has a bunch more buds on it, but sadly I don't expect to see any of them flower.


I admitted already that I need a hobby for my down time.. I got into the last of the Halloween candy. I found a box of brains, that I enjoyed chewing on this evening. Fruity!




my beloved stuffed turtle in response to (e:metalpeters) [inlink]metalpeter,491[/inlink]post about where we sleep. Some of us mentioned our stuffed animals..


Update on my Turkey Day plans:
Ooh, I am now having Thanksgiving dinner at my apartment. Yay!! I spoke with my mother who had intuited that I was not fond of the idea of going out for dinner. She called me and stated that we (mom, myself and step dad) would be staying in for dinner. I will try to cook something so she doesn't have to do it all; I would put the whole thing together if necessary, if anyone is adventurous enough to try what I come up with. Actually I do pretty amazingly well when I am "creating" something.. it is when I am forced to follow a recipe that it all goes to hell. I am too rebellious to follow the rules of a recipe.

The cool thing about having it at my apartment is that the apartment next door is currently empty. The only thing these two apartments share is a staircase down to our respective sides to the basement. We get to the staircase through our kitchen doors, which are adjacent. I can open my door and step over into the apartment if I wanted to. Since my mother owns the building, I think I can go and use that stove as well. Hmm, I will have to ask about that. Ooh, maybe have a party and use that side as well. Woohoo! A whole empty apartment to party in.. I wonder if the heat is still on?
I will have to try to deter her from going in and doing land lord duties. She is unable to sit still, her pleasures in life revolve around any project that requires Home Depot products; she has thorough knowledge of all tools ever made.

I wonder if the movie theater is open on Thanksgiving. Maybe after the two hours we spend together, I will venture out to the theater. OoOoooh, Harry Potter..

This is on my wish list.. hehe




Who is doing what tomorrow? (wednesday) I have seen some ideas from..
(e:paul), (e:mike), (e:pyrcedgrrl) ??????
My work buddies are assuming I am going out with all of them.. which I may start off wherever we come up with, but I want to know what else is going on and where.
Although I am concerned that we are supposed to get a snow storm and while I don't mind hiking through the snow, I don't want to get crocked in Buffalo and have a long ass drive home. Maybe I will party close to home... ahh, I will figure it out when that time comes. I am open to anything! An adventure will surely arise. I'll pack a toboggan and one of those outer space foil body heat blankets and pack some protein for sustanance :D

who posted about the HuFu cannibal alternative? lmao.. I would try it.

Hey (e:ladycroft) if you are in town, shall we go over to the Stone Jug??

Well, that about wraps up my evening. I am going to grab a book and get cozy under a mound of blankets. And this is not going to be a school book. I have on my dresser a few of my favorite authors: Richard Laymon (might give me nightmares), two Chuck Palaniuk novels and one Kurt Vonnegut. I think I might go for the Laymon freak fest.

Stay warm friends
and stay safe
Carey

It's axiomatic...

An open newspaper is an open invitation for a cat to get comfy.

All that attention directed to one spot is not tolerated if that spot is not Joseph (joe, jojo, jo jo no beans)

Hence my morning began with the Wall Street Journal and a cup of coffee all while navigating through a blob of fur.





Last night I passed out on my couch, in front of the still burning fire, shortly after the scotch adventure [inlink]theecarey,48[/inlink] My artistic rendering of my thoughts did not pan out very well. I kinda scribbled and jotted down a few words. Maybe next time..
So, I had some wacked dreams.. a few disturbing ones and a couple of odd but pretty nice ones as well. I think there were ones about my apartment being haunted by squirrels.

After my lazy start to the day, I proceeded on to non school/work related activities. I am soooo excited not to have class this week. Wednesday night I am getting crocked somewhere. Although, I have no idea what I am doing for Thanksgiving. My mom calls to say that we are going out for dinner. WHAT?? You can't just change things like that. OK, so it will most likely be just be my mom and myself, and maybe my step dad.. but to go out for dinner is going to be weird. I will deal with it.. maybe I can change her mind. I could make dinner.. LOL.. last year I cooked the turkey upside down.

I was really looking forward to a giant vat of mashed potatoes. Dinner out, hmph! Then again... there would be no dishes. hmmm.. Then, I am not above using paper plates, lol.

Lunch rolls around and I take a peak into my fridge to see what may have materialized that was within the expiration date. I found leftovers! (from this week). Actually they weren't mine, but (e:pyrcedgrrls). After work on Friday, after a stint at Caputies (What do you Guiness fans think of the bottled Guiness??-- its good but not the same as a pint of the free flowing happiness that is guiness draft)and before Barnes and Noble, we had Thai/Vietnamese food at Saigon Bangkok.. which is right next door to the Dip and Dive.. anyone else find humor? Anyhow, she ordered something that resembled the Chefs Special off of the movie eXisTenZ. There were multiple funky, multi legged creatures in a flavorful rice noodle concoction. Not bad, but I couldn't get past the creatures. I tried one out of morbid curiousity, but I could barely gag down the legs. I had a delightful Yellow Curry (yum).

So I contemplated her left overs.. deemed myself hungry enough.. and heated up the noodles. There weren't any more of the purple monsters left, so I thought it would be safe, until I noted that there were little legs mixed up within the noodles.

I just couldn't do it. I tossed that and reached for the Wasa crackers and apple butter (not much better, but at least none of that had legs).

There were plaety of really good sounding stuff on the menu.. all of which I would like to go back and try., I am a big fan of curry (mild) and pretty much anything Thai.

The rest of the day had been spent running a few errands,watching tv, walking, playing outside and then more relaxing.. getting prepared for the work week. The very short work week. YAY!