Dinner at Carrabba's :
eggplant parm, water, salad, vodka

Average Joes:
Lots of shots of SoCo, balanced with multiple pints of Guinness

I didn't plan on staying out as late as I did, but the conversation was flowing and a good time was happening. Lots of friends and befriended strangers. Music wasn't too bad either. This time, my breasts didn't make an appearance, lol. and I wasn't even the one to choose to bare them! However the story from last time was retold, which I had pretty much forgotten about, lol.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out with no particular destination (Turkey Eve). While not a fan of going out alone, sometimes I don't want to stay in and be alone. When I do go out, a plus is that I always see people I know or can quickly make "new friends". Sometimes its a good night, sometimes it is a bummer. This had been a borderline bummer of an outing, but one spot I stopped into I found a bunch of my friends, whom I knew from work. I was in a little huddle with a few of them, when one girl *That Girl* came prancing up to me. (there is one *That Guy* and *That Girl* in every crowd- those that you put up with their "bad-obnoxious"- 'cause I otherwise like obnoxious- ways and try not to kill them for some of the fucked up things they do, say, etc.. and you otherwise like them, but from a "distance".) Ok, so this was many ours into the evening, everyone had plenty of drinks in them and I arrive, pretty much sober and unexpectedly. People are happy to see me and *That Girl* is for some reason, really excited.

I was wearing something distinctly feminine and sexy. A tailored outfit, sleek, straightened hair, makeup, and a hint of 'the girls'. My work buds never see me like this, as it is always bed head, jeans, oversized sweatshirt, no makeup (like in all of my pictures). Which I look just fine and its often a preference, but to be pulled together and 'polished', well, I am sure it was a nice sight to see.

And it was my look that made her exuberant.. she came up to me and grabbed my shirt and pulled it out and down, exposing my chest (a Fredrick's of Hollywood number) and loudly exclaimed, while grabbing, "Look its Careys Boobs! I have never seen her boobs! WOW! " And neither had the rest of my friends until that night. I wasn't embarassed. maybe I should look into this exhibitionist side of me..

Although this was a mild mannered situation (as we get way crazy), among my group of friends this would be considered, "In The Vault". We'll see..

The Vault is considered sacred information between a select group of guys and gals. To be admitted acceptance into the sacred rites and knowledge that comprises The Vault, one must be initiated through an informal sponsorship.
Mostly, ya gotta be cool, trust worthy, respected (very important) and fun. Not sure how I made it in, lol.
Initiation always included lots of beer and a toast. :)
and grilled barbecue chicken wings..

Really though, sometimes it feels like some sophisticated "In crowd" .
Stepping back, I run in a lot of circles.
Its all good.


I hope to get some XC skiing in this weekend, along with some school work, cleaning and more fun. Anyone up for it??? Skiing that is.. but feel free to help me clean :)

Maybe I will get in some Christmas shopping, although I doubt it. I haven't even started; I usually go out a couple of days before Christmas and get it all done at once. I am greatly skilled in the art of procrastination. I have Christmas gifts that I bought for last year that never made it out in the mail. I am a bad Aunt. Ooh, but I can send them this year, if I ever get a box and make it to the post office. I am awful with buying stamps and putting things in the mail.

Oh and if I am going to put up a tree, I should do that as well. Hmm, I have time to decide on that.. two weeks, is it?


bah

I can't compete.. lol
so..
Incase you did not mark it on your calender, set the DVR, etch it into your forhead here is a reminder..

Tonight:

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show


Tyra Banks, Gisele Bundchen, Heidi Klum and Adriana Lima are among women modeling lingerie at the annual event in New York; Ricky Martin, Seal and Chris Botti are scheduled to perform.


Runtime: 60 min

10:00 PM Tue., Dec 6 Ch 4, WIVB


Sweet Dreams!!
_________________________________________

The pictorals I can offer this evening:

I caught the sunset, but not so much on the camera. My fingers were barely able to move it was so damn cold and windy out. It was getting dark very quickly. I spent all of 20 minutes on the beach. I didn't jump in this time!

Lake Ontario: Again, T.O. was quite visable, along with two enormous barges that were passing each other, with T.O. in the background. Until I can take a pic with a more sophisticated camera, the image is only in my head.











Niagara River, down at one of the boat launches:

I have a ton of laundry to do; I have heaps of clean and dirty laundry growing on my bedroom floor. Add rabid dust bunnies, dishes, bras and socks strewn all over my apartment to the mix, and what I have is a total mess. I even have beer bottles lining my bath tub. I should take pictures, nah, maybe I won't. Sometimes I like making a mess. I am sure to keep adding to the mess before I get a chance to clean up after myself. The question is whether I will be as thrilled to clean it up.


I am not a fan of Mondays, so this morning it was difficult to drag myself out of bed. Once I was out the door I felt pretty good. I put on energetic music and finished 'waking up' on the drive to work. After a weekend marathon of the three Die Hard movies topped with a viewing of Kill Bill vol 2; combined with the icey cold air that not only pierced my lungs but may have affected my brain,[inlink]theecarey,52[/inlink] made for a very sassy, goofy, and obnoxious Monday morning. My beloved coworkers were beside themselves, the kiddo that I work with, whom my coworkers refer to him as my "son", also seemed to enjoy my mood. The remainder of the day went by pretty well. This evening was quiet: just relaxing, writing, watching tv and eating some dinner.

As for new stuff, I began a new class. I have my absolute favorite professor of all time. I am so excited. The entire class is thrilled with having this teacher again. We spent the first part of class just catching up on our lives and all of us gushing over him. He claims that it is a good personality match; but he was being quite modest. It is primarily a matter of his being a good facilitator, public speaker, motivator and all around brilliant. We had him for our very first class, about a year ago. We still refer to the things he had talked about, that got us thinking and always managed to wrap all the information back around. His teaching us again is perfect timing, as the courses and material had been dragging us down. It has been a long, challenging year, and while we have just 10 months left, we are in need of a fresh approach. He is demanding of us, challenges us, and makes our brains hurt with information; nothing different than any of the other teachers and courses, but the vital difference is that he appeals to our inspirational side. We want to learn, we want the challenge, we want to unlearn and think about things from a different perspective and he facilitates that with finesse.

This past Thursday night was just a great evening of conversation. I am friendly with everyone; both in school and at my job. People know who I am and I make a small effort to be kind. My shy, quiet and slightly reserved nature makes it easy for me to appear aloof and standoffish, so whenever I think about it, I reach out to people. Consider it practice, I suppose. Being shy sucks. Yet throw me in front of a crowd and I am fine. Must be the one on one stuff. Hell, I'm learning. Anyhow, people still like me and my quirks.

So class this past week was exciting for the depth of interactions I had with a few of my classmates, all of whom I have regular contact with on the phone, email, in and outside of class. I also enjoy a good rapport with some of the college administration. Prior to class a few of us engaged in a lively conversation that started off light hearted then turned into a passionate debate then panned out into a great connection. Our dialogue did not center on a particular subject, although politics, religion, peoples mind sets, relationships and lifestyles laid the foundation. It was interesting to experience the difference in perceptions of people that you thought you knew. Having information added to your schema of an individual(s) is amazing. I tend to view the knowledge of learning more about someone as a positive. As I learn more about someone else, I learn more about myself.

That evening was a catalyst for putting some things in my life into perspective. I shared some information about myself beyond the realm that I normally would, and in a group at that. In hindsight, I am surprised at myself yet also proud. Over time, especially in the past year or so, I have been able to share more freely. I attribute these changes to the tail end experience of my back injury, the experience of working where I am at and all that I have learned in my graduate program. Also to a few select people who have had the patience and caring, trusting, confident demeanor that I need for this to happen. Thank you.

I have always used the written means to sort out my thoughts and feelings. It is quite another to articulate them verbally. I still struggle with that, but as with anything else, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. But just talking with these people, these friends of mine, men, women, various ages, backgrounds, was just a good thing. Who knew that such a random conversation could uplift your spirits? I went in with a heavy weight and came out with the burden completely lifted; and I am not even quite sure what that weight was. I have been struggling with various areas of my life. Sometimes it just gets me frantic, on the inside. Hidden. Although I can't determine which area has been bothering me the most. I think a lot about my current place of employment and my pending graduation. I think about how I am not in a position to fully take care of myself, which drives me crazy. It is partly to do with money, it is more to do with feeling lost at times. As is, where the hell am I going? (this is a future journal prompt)

So I work on making things better (through education, networking with organizations, etc) yet all that seems so far away, although it is not far away at all. I am accustomed to doing everything, taking control of my life and systematically doing things to make the changes that I seek. I've lived on my own since I was 19. I initially started off living with a boyfriend. I learned a lot during that time. No regrets. I had some roommates on and off, but found it easier to just pay the bills on my own rather than wonder if they would be able to take care of their share of the responsibilities. Overall, I have been taking care of myself since I was 9. Father out of the picture, sister who, 8 years older, ran away by the age of 16, Mother who worked all the time; three jobs to support us. I saw her on Mondays. I got myself off to school and came home to an empty house. Made my dinner, hated it when my friends could not come out to play. I thought it was entirely normal to do the things I did at such a young age. I stayed out of trouble although I knew just where to find it. However, I did not want to put my mother through the turmoil that my sister did, so I chose to be the "good daughter". Funny, how that bites me in the ass now, in regards to the relationship between my sister and I.

Anyhow, I have done alright for myself. As I have mentioned in other posts, I do not write the things that I do to complain. They are reminders of what I have done, what I have accomplished, what I need to do to be a better person and to help give me direction. And I know that people are in all states of turmoil and that I have fared pretty damn well. No, not complaining. It is when I am feeling lost that I realize I must look to see where I have been in order to figure out where I am going. I plug away, trying to make good choices. I simply do the things that I like to do and I work towards being able to continue to have that freedom to choose what I want out of life. However, I am not as strong as I appear to be. I know this and this is no revelation. Are any of us?

Yet I am capable, intelligent, loyal and am tenacious and driven towards the things, people and situations I care about. Indeed.

What has tweaked my perception is how to handle this seemingly perpetual struggle. I make mistakes, I do and say stupid stuff and sometimes I do not say anything because I am stuck in my head. I am dealing with some of my struggles by letting some of it go, or rather, let it work itself out as it may. Other areas, I can make a decision as to how I want to actively tackle the issue. I haven't an answer, but something has made me feel much better. Things aren't necessarily better, but how I handle them, how I feel them and how I look at them, are somehow better.

The gnawing feeling is not there.

And so, this conversation with my friends prompted me to take a closer look at all those things, of which I am sure to continue to write about.

Good night and take care,
Carey

I have so much to say! There is no beginning or end, just a whirl of thoughts, revelations and anticipation. Allow me to ruminate quietly before I write; I sense that it will amass another chapter. I'll work in Word and eventually post it here. In the meantime, I share my day.

"I am ready."

That is the statement that came to mind as I finished my journey through Fort Niagara.

On choosing my walking path, I forwent the clear roads in favor of the snow dusted earth. I walked briskly for warmth for the suns rays did little to warm the freezing air.

I brought my camera. Well over a hundred pictures, here are a few..































I had taken quite a few pictures at this point. I had been walking around snapping pictures, keeping the camera on and ready. It had been awhile since I had charged my batteries and I assumed that it wouldn't be long before I notice the low battery indicator. Sure enough, shortly thereafter the camera flashed its warning. I kept going, trying to squeek out a few more shots. Eventually the camera turned off on itself.
Right then, I noticed in the distance, something sparkling. A tree branch was encased in ice. The branch extended over the water, approximately 10 feet. The ferocious waves, the sun interspersed with the darkening sky was magnificent. Right then I wanted to get closer. I wanted a picture. I cared not for anything but getting over to this gorgeous branch.
And so I ran down the beach, through the sand, ice and snow to get closer to this branch. I ran and ran. It was further than I initially thought, as the beach (or the Fort) plays tricks on your perception of distance. I kept running, the icey air penetrating my lungs. I laughed at myself, but dammit, I needed to get there. And quickly; maybe I could get just one more picture..
I got to my destination, got closer to the branch and before I thought about it, I jumped right into the icey cold water of Lake Ontario.
I jumped right in, feet first. Almost to my knees. And the waves crashing all around me; reaching my arms, thighs and back.
I almost fell on my ass.
It was amazing.
My camera turned on one last time.
And a few more pictures I gratefully took.
I didn't feel the wet or the cold. I didn't care if anyone saw the crazy girl jump into the sub zero Lake. I just knew what I wanted and I went for it.
Again, amazing.
After, I looked around. My only audience were about 100 Canadian geese.
And I just laughed.

and I thought, "I am ready."






























The view of Toronto can be magnificent. Some days you can see a stretch of T.O. than goes on and on. Some of those times, you can see the light reflecting off of windows. Today you could see the building forms, but not too clearly. In one picture you can make out the city, but it comes up much further than when looking at it with the naked eye. I would love a picture, but my camera does not pick up those details. Maybe it does.. I never did read the user manual it came with when I bought it 3-4 years ago.


Ahh, so now I am home and finally warmed up.

First thing: Mission accomplished.

Once my mind is set to something, I am relentless. I took to the thought of renting all of the Die Hard movies. Therefore I set out to scour all of the Blockbusters in WNY for Die Hard, Die Harder and Die Hard with a Vengeance. I never thought it would be that difficult to find some old Bruce Willis movies. It gave *me* a headache! Lol. I just really want to see those movies and I eventually found them, in three different locations. I will have to make sure I get them back to the right store. So one of these days soon, I will be sitting down to a Die Hard marathon. Lol.

Although chilly, the cloudless sunny day encouraged continued playtime outside. Layering in long sleeve shirts, sweatshirt and gloves, I took out a months worth of trash, bounced the basketball against the side of the apartment and walked around the neighborhood. The last of the flowers have died, but the grass is still quite visible. I begin to yearn for some snow. I envision cross country skiing and contemplate heading to Lockport Ski Shop to do some pricing (which I did not do today).

Forward to Dana, (e:pyrcedgrrl) giving me a call, wondering where the hell I have been all day. Apparently I was to give her a call so we could go do something; but the slacker I am got sidetracked. Shortly thereafter we headed out; Buffalo being our default destination (food, Spot, Books, etc)

My favorite place to be (and often still is) is my mind and the creative and intelligent imagination that fuels it.

As a child I imagined having the ability to choose any play environment that I desired. In a matter of moments I could go from running like a cheetah through a jungle to playing in a zoo to scaling mountain sides. Or I'd bounce from Youngstown, NY to Greensboro NC to St. Catherines Ont, where various friends and family lived. Often I would take a trip to some other universe or just travel across the seas; finding adventure and solace in being anywhere but where I was at in that moment.

Another neat trick that I imagined and sometimes desperately wished I could do was visit any season at any moment. If it was too hot and muggy, I could walk across the street to build a snowman. And on cold days, after the 5 millionth snowflake fell, I could go for a swim down the street where it was summer.

Tonight felt something like that.

In 24 miles it went from sunshine and greenery to clouds and a lot of white stuff.

It was amazing!!

I felt the excitement grow as sparse snowflakes quickly turned into a cool sparkling release. Sudden lake effect snow is intense and gorgeous, and as I had yet to see any snow, this was extra special and fun. Especially since just a few miles back, everything was relatively green. Eventually, I might just have to make a move to Buffalo!

We tromped through the snow, giggling and looking around in amazement. I am sure we both looked quite flushed as the gentlemen who seated us at India Gate inquired about our evening adventures. They were in awe that we had not seen any snow as of yet.

So now that I have seen the snow, it can go away.

Nah, I like the snow, the cold (but not icy) weather and all that it encourages; things such as renting movies, drinking hot cocoa, snuggling, napping and slowing down a little bit. I even like driving in it, although not long distances on the highway during rush hour. That can be daunting and anxiety provoking, as there are too many opportunities for bad things to happen. Yuck. Other than that, bring on doing donuts in empty parking lots, throwing snowballs, hopping into snow piles, making my own driving lane and other winter activities. Besides skiing, I really want to go on a sleigh ride. I am not sure if anyone offers such a thing, but I think I would really like it. I think about it every year although I never inquire about it. Maybe this year.

And so, as an adult, I still use my imagination quite a bit. That has gotten me into some trouble, gotten me out of it, and more often than not had led to some memorable fun. I allow myself to get excited over relatively simple things and I am thankful for that. Maybe it is the laid back side of me. I can appreciate the ability to make the most out of a situation/ circumstance..both good and not so good. I can't twitch my nose and make things right, but I can do all that is in my power to make things better; and if I can laugh somewhere along the way, even better. 'Cause you can choose to laugh or cry, right? Then there are times when I can't get beyond the immediate situation and I just close up. It is a coping strategy and a means to deflect what I might really want to do such as scream. My train of thought just jumped to yesterday; as my Thanksgiving day was all jacked up. *shrug*. I care yet I don't; no, it is that I do not have the energy to spare on something that is too messy to sort out. I will have to work on figuring out how to deal with the underlying issue(s). I realize family can grow apart, and when you aren't that close to begin with, it can be hard to connect on any level. phfftt! Do I have the strength and know how to get things to a better place? oy, everyone considers me the strong one in the family. But, I think that will have to be the subject of another post.. trying to formulate my thoughts on this leaves me suddenly delirious. Blah.

Off to dreamland I go :)