I was up until 7AM and just wOKe up. I checked my e-mail to see what time Alan's film was showing at Market Arcade and it showed at 4PM. I missed it! I feel so bad. I really wanted to go. I though it would start at night. I'm a bad friend.
I guess I should watch more Fassbinder. The first two were ok if you average them out. One, Beware of the Holy Whore was kind of boring and one, Satan's Brew, was fucking fantastic. Also I need to go down to main street and tape the beautiful old church with the for sale sign on it.
Maybe Alan will forgive me if I buy a
DVD. I'd really like to see his finished film.

I can only keep it up so long... music music music. Now it's Cat Power later who knows? I have to watch some movies by this guy Rainer Werner Fassbinder. Trebor is always saying I need to so finally I am. I rented a few, we'll see how the are., come see if you're curious, yeah... Exciting.

i can't wait. I have a long weekend of cutting myself up.

killing or dying?

The death of the baby turtle has brought up memories of pet losses in my life. I've had several of them. I haven't and a non-furry pet since i was a kid. When I was a little girl I found a little turtle in the grass in front of the barn.



He was a cute fellow. I could not resist bringing him into my house to live with me. He was shy and scared to come out of his shell. One day he came out of his shell and stayed out and stayed out. In fact he didn't move at all. I got excited and showed my Mom. She said "robin, i think he's dead" but I said "no, he's just sleeping." That went on for three days or so until finally i had to admit to myself that the little turtle was dead. I must have known it all along it was just hard to admit because of the guilt. If I'd left the turtle in his natural environment perhaps he wouldn't have died so quickly.
I also raised tadpoles in a fish bowl once. That was fun to watch. the only problem was that once they became little frogs they jumped out of the fish bowl and I lost them. I remember months later when I was cleaning my room we moved my dresser and I came across a tiny frog skeleton. It was sad and beautiful at the same time.
I also accidental smothered a caterpillar in my palm when I was a very small tyke. That broke my little heart. I've always been fascinated with these creatures that go through such drastic transformations in their lives. At least the little frog got to transform before it died in my bedroom.


note to myself- look at putting the Kiah footage together with her on the TV screen and rocking horse vrs. real one. Then log her recent commentary on The Princess Bride.

My earliest memory about race is from the year 1986. I was a kindergarten student in a rural Georgia town. One day I asked my Mama "Why is Ben black"? Ben was one of my classmates. My Mama told me "because he's African, he's from Africa, a continent, it's a place, a location in the world." The next day I went to school and said to Ben "you're from Africa" and he laughed and laughed and replied "girl, I'm from Adairsville just like you." Then I felt upset because I could tell Ben wasn't lying, otherwise how could he have made me feel so stupid? That meant that my Mama was lying. I'm sure my Mama tried to explain later but at that time her words didn't make no damn sense.

Today in Steve's class he was talking about the black diaspora and how no matter where you come from if you're black you have a common bond with other black people. So that made me think of the Bob Marley lyrics "No matter where you come from as long as you're a black man you're an African." I've had time to reflect on that and it's brought up my childhood memory.

Why did I want to know why Ben was black? I probably had some type of race conception from my family but I don't think that's why I wanted to know. I think it was an innocent question, like asking "why is the sky blue? why is the grass green"? I remember asking my mother those questions and she got frustrated and said "robin, i don't know everything" so I told her "you do know you're just not telling me" and I believed that at the time.

I wonder why my Mama thought she knew why Ben was black when she didn't know why the sky was blue? I'm lucky I knew Ben because who knows how long I would have taken my Mother's word for truth if I never had that intercourse with him. I hope now that my words never hurt him or made him feel alienated, not that alienation is a bad thing. In this place alienation seems kind of necessary.

My sky/skin analogy seems short sighted, the color or shade of the sky is not a social construction. It's something that just is, right? Why can't people think in phenomenological terms? Race is a scary thing because it seems like it's somewhere in between being a social construction and something that just is. Every person is born with certain attributes that automatically place them within constraints because of a structure that was made up even before they were. Does that make sense?

I guess a good question is why didn't I ask my Mama "why am I white"?


ps. I can hear my upstairs neighbor fucking right now, sounds like he's into it. [bgcolor]#3b2212[/bgcolor]