this is the little thing I'm working on. I still have to shoot the end. I want to call it The Death of the Videomaker, to reference, The Death of the Author . The problem with that is I can't even remember what that bit of writing means. I'll try to read it and figure out. I'm pretty certain the essay has nothing to do with the themes of this video but I can create my own damn ideas. Why not?
Matthew you make me happy with your joy about the return of the little birds.










"it is always the principle of useful suffering and willing sacrifice which forms the most solid base for hierarchical power."
-Raoul Vaneigem The Revolution of Everyday Life

I feel trapped and abandoned simultaneously. Then there is that little voice in my head that says "just borrow more more more, finish finish finish, I'm not sure if the voice is my own or that of my father. A 60 year old man who now blames his discontent with his life on his lack of patience with graduate school. He wrote to me saying" I have worked all my life at a job I did not like because I quit graduate school and it is no one's fault but mine."
I don't like any job I've had. Teaching young people how to edit video is not my goal in life, if fact it's a placid and dull activity even when both student and teacher put in excessive energy. Creativity lies outside of the institution, no matter how much recorded creativity a person brings in it's sucked dry by the shear wretchedness of the conditions of the life that civilized people live. What am I suggesting a back to nature philosophy?
Hell fucking no, I hate bug bites, I hate the elements, I hate being cold, I hate being hot, I hate the bright sunshine on the white snow blinding me when I drive, I hate reading by candlelight, I would really hate not being able to lock people out, but what I really hate is not being able in general, not being able to support myself, not being able to defend myself from not being able to better support myself.
I hate people, I hate everyone I know, especially those who I know the most, those who gave birth to me, those who guide me, those who love me, those who nurture me, when all the time they're really just looking out for there own damn self just like I am, every fucking day, I get angry because others are better at it than I am. I hate my life right now, I hate waiting for my loans to come so I can just spend them on my rent, my car insurance, my fucking electricity, my food, my energy, my power, spend my power.
I hate my fingernails how they fucking grow and grow and then I have to chop them so I can pull out my lenses that make me see like a normal person, that enable me to drive a car, that let me see the leaves on the tree, the creases in my neck, just another object to buy, my vision. Vision for fucking sale! [bgcolor]#730000[/bgcolor]

ever stayed in the Lenox Hotel?

ps. I'm looking for a creepy out of the way graveyard to do a shooting at, does anyone have suggestions?

I want to ride a horse. I want to just run in circles in a big pasture but I've been looking at these horse renting places and it's like a dollar a minute to ride a horse. When I was a kid in the country it was easy. We had a couple horses but even if we didn't I had some buddies with horses. Some of y'all buffalo people have to know some country people around here don't ya?
I want to fly.
Ok maybe I can come up with 30 bucks. Anybody else want to drive to Warsaw to ride a horse?

I'm getting cranky because I haven't had any food today. I told my friend I'd go to her party tonight but now i feel like staying home... but my superego is totally tripping. I'm poor, that's another excuse, How could I participate in a potluck when all I have is rotten fruit in the fridge and 14 bucks to last till pay day. Fuck the rent! Why are landlords so fucking money grubbing?
I was thinking oh, my landlord is so nice because he put a washer and drying in the basement but of course he had to put the kind that require coins to be operated. As if two months of my freaking rent isn't enough to cover the expense of the machines. Then there are the other 3 tenants in the building. Don't get me wrong my landlord is a friendly and understanding guy but Jesus. My fucking Dad rent's a house. He's just as bad I guess. Why in the hell are people so dead set on making g money off of people who have less money? Fucking Marx, he should have don e a better job coming up with a solution.
I'm going to the damn party