It was the best of times it was the worst of times. I just turned off Bill & Ted's excellent adventure not because it is a stupid movie but because the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia came over the top of me and bummed me right out. The first time I saw the movie I think I was in the seventh grade when all I worried about was making it to soccer practice, delivering papers/collecting, singing the national anthem before the pro-sports games began and my parents were still happy together. life was so much easier then and it was such a happier time for me. I had friends, a bike, incoming cash flow, a happy family, small acting/singing roles at Studio Arena & Shea's and not much responsibility. It seems to me that when I hit high school my life just went downhill getting further and further is this uncontrolable depressive state.

I woke up pretty sad this morning. Last night I had a dream that my friends from high school (the g-clic, much like the T-Birds, a group of about 12-15 guys) and I had gotten back together to hang out in southern florida for spring break. it was like all of us forgot about the reasons we stopped hanging out and started to have some reckless fun in the sun, the way we did after high school. it was a great time horsing around with the old gang, pushing each other around playfully; picking up/seducing girls with ease and arguing over who the man was. i guess deep down i long to get us all togehter again but it would never happen. even though some have moved away the rest of us don't talk anymore for some serious reasons. I could go into it but it would be rather lenghty and petty but I can tell you the reasons range from ratting one another out to the police over drug busts to fucking somebodies girlfriend or soon to be girlfriend.

At the end of january I stopped talking to my longtime friend who I have spent the majority of my time with over the past 12 years or so. I realizd, as most of my friends had previously stated, that he takes advantage of people and uses people for his own personal gain no matter the consequences. Well what he did was the last straw so I just stopped talking to him. he calls from time to time but i don't answer and i don't return his phone calls. although one time i did be mistake and he asked me if i was still mad and I was like yah. then he was like "thats to bad because he knows some easy girls we could have gotten with." then i was like okay bye and that was it.

i'm really tired of the way the people of the world treat one another. its like we make these phony assumptions about who people are and never really give anyone a chance. then we use these people as stepping stones to get to the land of instant gratification. well, not me and probably not some of you. actually, a lot of you are really nice people and it has been a pleasure to get to know some over the past month or so. you all are like my new friends and you couldn't have come at a better time. i've been really lonely and sad longing for the good ol' days. but i realize now that these days can be the good days to cause life is what you make it - you only get out what you put in. half the reason i went back to school was because i wanted to meet a few people that shared some of the same interests i have. but i realized the other night at opm, after one of my canisius classmates walked by me like 6 times looking in the opposite direction everytime, that most people don't give a shit and the reason they say hello in class is so they don't have to sit in silence and stare at the wall. I have to say that (e:ladycroft) and (e:theecarey) are two special people and thank you for the concern you showed by keeping me fully stocked with bottled water.

that's all I have. i still feel like shit but I think its because i haven't been to the gym in a couple of days on account of this cold I have (its better to let your body heal before you puond the crap out of it in the gym).

This was a picture of my garbage can this morning....i've cleared almost a whole box of kleenex:



its time I get my lazy ass to the gym then I have to reheat some food for cash. once again I give you all the greatest gift I can:

Love, Mrdt

i'm really sick of the bullshit politics that go down on this site. what the fuck are you people thinking??? protesting this protesting that. bashing our leaders and decision makers. i say if ya don't like it get off your ass and do something about it. protesting and waving a fuckin' sign ain't gonna do shit. all your gonna do is piss the people on the other side of the street off. and whats that gonna do. you can't change peoples opinions or perspectives like that. you need a more strategic approach that will allow you to influence others. and quoting paul o'neill ain't gonna work either.

now that i have your attention i would like to write about a real concern that i have. you are all very fortunate people. maybe some shit went down in your lives that wasn't to cool but believe me we have it pretty good. I would say more than half the world's population goes to bed not hungry but starving every night. half of that population is children. these children die everday from gastrointestinal problems and malnutriton. they never even get a chance to live their lives. they never get a chance to make a decision, smoke a joint or experience the world wide web. they live most of their short pathetic lives naked in squaller and disease with many insects hovering overhead. can you see this picture??? do you want to see this picture??? I won't post it because it makes me sick to think that human beings have to live in these conditions because their leaders can't get their shit together.

And don't get me started about the homeless population in this country. i'm not talking about the bums who beg for change to get some boose. i'm talking about the people who all of a sudden lose everything and have to live out of cars or on street corners just because they made a mistake and worked for or invested in enron.

So next time you start to bitch about a budget deficit or christian fundamentalists think about the people living in third world countries who if are lucky might get some shelter tonight from the rain and mudslides. who if they are very lucky might get a very small piece of food that will prolong their life for a few more measly days.

My love & support for these people is unconditional...I give money through all avenues. United Way, Catholic Charities and I joined the One campaign started by Bono and U2 to fight poverty.

I love all of you people to, even those of you who don't know any better, MrDT

Well it happened, I finally got sick. Its been over a year since I had som much as a sniffle. Sunday was such a beautiful day so I decided to open some windows and get some fresh air in. Well, i fuckin forgot to close my bedroom window before I went to sleep and woke up shivering with out any blankets covering me. Now I have a scratchy throat, some body aches and a stuffy nose(which may be my allergies that I usually ignore). Now i'm confined to the home so I can repair as quick as possible.

I've beeb thinking quite a bit about my favorite superhero, Superman and how his alter ego is Clark Kent as opposed to all other superheroes who's alter egos are the superhero. In other words Spiderman like all superheroes puts on a costume to transform from Peter Parker to Spiderman while Superman puts on a costume to become Clark Kent. Everyday when Peter Parker wakes up in the mornig he is just Peter Parker but when Superman wakes he's Superman. Superman touched down on earth wrapped in the S which over time became his cape. But more importantly, as Superman tries to blend into the human race he becomes Clark Kent, which is his perception of the human race. In his eyes we are weak, sick, lazy escapists and in general insecure bumbling idiots.

Some times I question how can I gain more control over my life. Then I realize I am in complete control of my life. I control what goes in and when, what comes out and why; the things I do; the things I say. I am a product of my decisions and if their is something I don't like I change it. SO why is it when I have some herb I can't control myself and smoke everynow and again or when I have a free day why do I always go way over board. Lastly, why can't I remember to shut the fuckin window so I don't get sick and weak or file unemployment on Sunday???

I haven't had one constant stream of thoughts in many, many months, maybe years. When I started working at the Casino I lost the time for mind quieting exercises because I was working like 80 hours a week. I know I should pick it up again and that I should be more focussed in school but I don't bother. It seems to me like I'm out of control again but I'm the one flying this bird. Why am I getting so lazy??? Why do I make so many excuses that completely set me up for failure???

I guess the need to find my kryptonite and get rid of it for good. In the meantime enjoy this acappela version of the Superman theme... I used to be in a fifteen part all male acappella ensemble like Boys2Men that I started in high school...I'll get into that l8ter.

I really do love you all, MrDT

I have to write an easy fucking paper for my marketing class tomorrow. It should only take a couple of hours but I'm so motivated to just watch Fox's Sunday night programming which I DVR and play with my genitalia. I need the weather to break...I need to finish up with this semester...I need to scrape my stem for a hit. God I'm such a fiend. Its like all or nothing with me. If I have some all I do is think of reasons to smoke it. Then half the time it makes me lazy and extremely unproductive and the other half of the time I find it difficult to truely ponder the answers/solutions to the difficulties I have in finance or form.

I've really gotten a good handle on what the hell I'm doing in the gym, which is good. It took me about a year to find the proper form, technique by learning how to rip my muscles so they fill up with blood and repair ready for an increase in stimulus. I can't believe the weight I'm finally working out with...it took so long to pick up those 60's. I think the most important idea that I learned is to keep things fresh and to not stick to any type of routine. One day be that slow power lifter guy...the next week be the guy doing crazy circuits and drop sets. One thing that really pisses me off, though, are the jerks who not only sit on the equipment but also are in the process of hurting themselves by performing the movement backwards. These people put all this weight on their back then they bend over with it (as I hear the muscle fibers of their lower back seperate). Then one of two things happen : they leave a lot of sweat behind or they don't re rack their weight. So I have to pull off all this little weight just to put on some real weight which slows down my routine. And then they never walk back into the gym, ever.

I'm not sure where I was goin with that so I'm gonna stop and hit the water pipe. Oh Yeah.............................. That's the shit boy...hit this chief...Man you should have heard me try to explain why all the clocks in my house are set at a different time. What a bumbling idiot I can be when I'm stoned.

Well, I hope you had a good time, I for surely did. Things sure are funnier under the influence...to bad that there are side effects and at some point you have to come down. Have you yet?? Come down??? I'm quitting again because I'm not adult enough to know when enough is enough.

Perpetually high but with lots of love, MrDT

Sio credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, siodo il vero,
Senza tema dinfamia ti rispondo.


LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats 5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question 10
Oh, do not ask, What is it?
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go 35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, Do I dare? and, Do I dare?
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair?" 40
[They will say: How his hair is growing thin!]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin?"
[They will say: But how his arms and legs are thin!]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:"
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all?" 55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all?"
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress 65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! 75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep, tired, or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet?"and here's no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, 85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while, 90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all?" 95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while, 100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor
And this, and so much more?
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: 105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.
. . . . . 110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use, 115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old, I grow old 120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me. 125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.


--TS Elliott--