Well, I had a rewally shitty day today. I'm not quite sure how to feel but I think there are a few things I need to put behind me quickly.

And when in the hell did Ari Gold get a show on the travel channel.

heart, MrDT

Well here I am again. Its 1:00 and I'm the only one up in this camp (except the (e:lurkers)).

I've decided to that I want to share my favorite song with you. Its my user sound that hopefully you are listening to right now. if somebody posted a chat don't worry, just hit the play button again and it will play all the way through even though people are chatting. This is my favorite song because it was my first slow dance ever in the seventh grade with Tracy Settaducato. I had such a chrush on her. It took me all night just to work up the courge to ask her to dance then this absolutely fuckin' beautiful song came on and I got the chance to dance with the most beautiful girl in junior high. I'll never forget it ever. And Tracy, thank you for saying yes even though people told you if we got married your name would be Tracy Tracy.

Actually, the real reason I'm posting this song is because I'm trying to reach out to someone who reminded me what its like to touch and to be touched a few days ago. It's been so long and I've been so busy working on myself that I forgot how good it could feel. So this is for you.

Accepting all Ive done and said
I want to stand and stare again
Til theres nothing left out, oh
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
Oh its in your eyes

Not much else other than I'm meeting with my old trainer tomorrow to discuss my goals for the next eight weeks. I need some coaching and motivation to push myself to the extreme. not to mention I have some symmetry issues to work out. i have to make sure that my dominant side doesn't start to look different than the other. I'm gonna try and put on two more pounds of muscle which isn't easy. my diet has to be perfect...too many calories and I'll get fat which will produce estrogen and not testosterone which is needed for muscle growht. not enough calories and my body will go through atrophy and not grow. my goals are to increase and widen my pecs; round out my shoulders (which will give me a wider appearance); add some height to my biceps; define my tri's; strenghten and straighten my upper back; add some muscle to my famous glutes and add definition to my perfect thighs, hams and calves.

with the greatest love in the world, MrDT

i'm really sick of the bullshit politics that go down on this site. what the fuck are you people thinking??? protesting this protesting that. bashing our leaders and decision makers. i say if ya don't like it get off your ass and do something about it. protesting and waving a fuckin' sign ain't gonna do shit. all your gonna do is piss the people on the other side of the street off. and whats that gonna do. you can't change peoples opinions or perspectives like that. you need a more strategic approach that will allow you to influence others. and quoting paul o'neill ain't gonna work either.

now that i have your attention i would like to write about a real concern that i have. you are all very fortunate people. maybe some shit went down in your lives that wasn't to cool but believe me we have it pretty good. I would say more than half the world's population goes to bed not hungry but starving every night. half of that population is children. these children die everday from gastrointestinal problems and malnutriton. they never even get a chance to live their lives. they never get a chance to make a decision, smoke a joint or experience the world wide web. they live most of their short pathetic lives naked in squaller and disease with many insects hovering overhead. can you see this picture??? do you want to see this picture??? I won't post it because it makes me sick to think that human beings have to live in these conditions because their leaders can't get their shit together.

And don't get me started about the homeless population in this country. i'm not talking about the bums who beg for change to get some boose. i'm talking about the people who all of a sudden lose everything and have to live out of cars or on street corners just because they made a mistake and worked for or invested in enron.

So next time you start to bitch about a budget deficit or christian fundamentalists think about the people living in third world countries who if are lucky might get some shelter tonight from the rain and mudslides. who if they are very lucky might get a very small piece of food that will prolong their life for a few more measly days.

My love & support for these people is unconditional...I give money through all avenues. United Way, Catholic Charities and I joined the One campaign started by Bono and U2 to fight poverty.

I love all of you people to, even those of you who don't know any better, MrDT

It was the best of times it was the worst of times. I just turned off Bill & Ted's excellent adventure not because it is a stupid movie but because the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia came over the top of me and bummed me right out. The first time I saw the movie I think I was in the seventh grade when all I worried about was making it to soccer practice, delivering papers/collecting, singing the national anthem before the pro-sports games began and my parents were still happy together. life was so much easier then and it was such a happier time for me. I had friends, a bike, incoming cash flow, a happy family, small acting/singing roles at Studio Arena & Shea's and not much responsibility. It seems to me that when I hit high school my life just went downhill getting further and further is this uncontrolable depressive state.

I woke up pretty sad this morning. Last night I had a dream that my friends from high school (the g-clic, much like the T-Birds, a group of about 12-15 guys) and I had gotten back together to hang out in southern florida for spring break. it was like all of us forgot about the reasons we stopped hanging out and started to have some reckless fun in the sun, the way we did after high school. it was a great time horsing around with the old gang, pushing each other around playfully; picking up/seducing girls with ease and arguing over who the man was. i guess deep down i long to get us all togehter again but it would never happen. even though some have moved away the rest of us don't talk anymore for some serious reasons. I could go into it but it would be rather lenghty and petty but I can tell you the reasons range from ratting one another out to the police over drug busts to fucking somebodies girlfriend or soon to be girlfriend.

At the end of january I stopped talking to my longtime friend who I have spent the majority of my time with over the past 12 years or so. I realizd, as most of my friends had previously stated, that he takes advantage of people and uses people for his own personal gain no matter the consequences. Well what he did was the last straw so I just stopped talking to him. he calls from time to time but i don't answer and i don't return his phone calls. although one time i did be mistake and he asked me if i was still mad and I was like yah. then he was like "thats to bad because he knows some easy girls we could have gotten with." then i was like okay bye and that was it.

i'm really tired of the way the people of the world treat one another. its like we make these phony assumptions about who people are and never really give anyone a chance. then we use these people as stepping stones to get to the land of instant gratification. well, not me and probably not some of you. actually, a lot of you are really nice people and it has been a pleasure to get to know some over the past month or so. you all are like my new friends and you couldn't have come at a better time. i've been really lonely and sad longing for the good ol' days. but i realize now that these days can be the good days to cause life is what you make it - you only get out what you put in. half the reason i went back to school was because i wanted to meet a few people that shared some of the same interests i have. but i realized the other night at opm, after one of my canisius classmates walked by me like 6 times looking in the opposite direction everytime, that most people don't give a shit and the reason they say hello in class is so they don't have to sit in silence and stare at the wall. I have to say that (e:ladycroft) and (e:theecarey) are two special people and thank you for the concern you showed by keeping me fully stocked with bottled water.

that's all I have. i still feel like shit but I think its because i haven't been to the gym in a couple of days on account of this cold I have (its better to let your body heal before you puond the crap out of it in the gym).

This was a picture of my garbage can this morning....i've cleared almost a whole box of kleenex:



its time I get my lazy ass to the gym then I have to reheat some food for cash. once again I give you all the greatest gift I can:

Love, Mrdt

Well it happened, I finally got sick. Its been over a year since I had som much as a sniffle. Sunday was such a beautiful day so I decided to open some windows and get some fresh air in. Well, i fuckin forgot to close my bedroom window before I went to sleep and woke up shivering with out any blankets covering me. Now I have a scratchy throat, some body aches and a stuffy nose(which may be my allergies that I usually ignore). Now i'm confined to the home so I can repair as quick as possible.

I've beeb thinking quite a bit about my favorite superhero, Superman and how his alter ego is Clark Kent as opposed to all other superheroes who's alter egos are the superhero. In other words Spiderman like all superheroes puts on a costume to transform from Peter Parker to Spiderman while Superman puts on a costume to become Clark Kent. Everyday when Peter Parker wakes up in the mornig he is just Peter Parker but when Superman wakes he's Superman. Superman touched down on earth wrapped in the S which over time became his cape. But more importantly, as Superman tries to blend into the human race he becomes Clark Kent, which is his perception of the human race. In his eyes we are weak, sick, lazy escapists and in general insecure bumbling idiots.

Some times I question how can I gain more control over my life. Then I realize I am in complete control of my life. I control what goes in and when, what comes out and why; the things I do; the things I say. I am a product of my decisions and if their is something I don't like I change it. SO why is it when I have some herb I can't control myself and smoke everynow and again or when I have a free day why do I always go way over board. Lastly, why can't I remember to shut the fuckin window so I don't get sick and weak or file unemployment on Sunday???

I haven't had one constant stream of thoughts in many, many months, maybe years. When I started working at the Casino I lost the time for mind quieting exercises because I was working like 80 hours a week. I know I should pick it up again and that I should be more focussed in school but I don't bother. It seems to me like I'm out of control again but I'm the one flying this bird. Why am I getting so lazy??? Why do I make so many excuses that completely set me up for failure???

I guess the need to find my kryptonite and get rid of it for good. In the meantime enjoy this acappela version of the Superman theme... I used to be in a fifteen part all male acappella ensemble like Boys2Men that I started in high school...I'll get into that l8ter.

I really do love you all, MrDT