i just conducted my first concert :)

First of all I slept in until 9:30 today. I realize to some of you that is not late at all, but I thought about and 9:30 is FOUR HOURS after I normally get up.

I also completed my first entire week of teaching on Friday. The first two weeks were all four day weeks, but this one was complete. Believe me I felt it. The whole week I've only gotten about 5 hours of sleep per night, so I was ready to sleep in. School is getting better in some ways, but I have a long way to go before I really get the hang of it. By a long way I mean like years. Ha. I don't expect to master the art of teaching at JFK, but I can improve on many things.

Last night was Fredfest. For those that don't know, that's a festival in Fredonia with a concert/carnival thingie and a lot lot lot of drunk people. Really it's all about the drunk people. I chose not to go, mostly because I spent 4 days in Fredonia last week, and also because I really just hate being there. People invited me to go but I know if I went, that HEwould probably be there and it would just make me uncomfortable and upset, especially if I was drunk. (I almost capitalized it to say "He" but then I realized that would look like I was talking about Jesus and I don't think Jesus would be at Fredfest). I saw him WAY too much that weekend. But I'm actually kinda grateful. Because I saw him so much, I really got to take a look at who he has become, and hear what other people think of him - not just my friends who would naturally tell me mean things about him, but others. They tell me he has become a pretentious SOB who walks and talks like he is the greatest thing. In other words, he thinks he's too cool for school. Whenever we would see each other at a recital or something, I refuse to be the first to initiate conversation, which means we wouldn't talk unless we were standing right to each other, because HE doesn't walk up to you, YOU walk up to him. He's too great for you NOT to. Anyway these are the combination of my observations as well as other people's thoughts. The two of us actually ended up hanging out with a bunch of other people on Friday night, and it plain old just sucked. I actually had to get up and go for a walk because I just couldn't stand being in the same room with him any longer. I don't think he could have appeared any less interested in what I was saying or made a bigger production out of himself, telling funny stories or jokes to make it seem like he was the funniest, best thing in the world.

So even though it sucked, at least now I know that I can be around him and really see him for what he is now and not what he used to be. And I hate being around him so much that I won't even try and act like I enjoy it or would attempt to hang out ever again. I may never even see him again. While I have mixed feelings about that last statement, I know that I will be totally and completely fine. Just being away from it all this past week has really made me feel better about everything. Separating myself from the past is really the best.

All of that actually isn't the reason I started writing about Fredfest. I was just going to say that it made me a little sad that no one called me from Fredonia to even see if I was hanging out. I did get one text message during the day from a friend I haven't seen since like January. We talked about hanging out this weekend because she would FINALLY be in fredonia. But I knew it would be in my best interest to stay away from the festivities. I do wish a teeny bit that people would have called to see where I was, but oh welllllllllllllll...

And ANYWAY if I had gone to Fredonia I would have missed Stick It!!! (e:Mike) and (e:Jill) I'm sure you did your hardest tricks but I hope you controlled them. ps I actually went to a movie and DIDN'T get popcorn. I don't think this has ever happened before. Let's go to another movie very soon so I can get popcorn! WITH LOTS OF BUTTER!

Have a good weekend everyone

happy birthday mo!!!! :)

i had a good day at school today...it must be because of your birthday...!

i'm sick of writing sad entries but i feel the need...i'm sorry.

so being in buffalo is really great. i'm enjoying living at home, i'm making money, teaching is...well...teaching, whatever. i barely think about fredonia or anything that happened there recently because it is just not a part of my life anymore and i'm so separate from it. and it's great. i enjoy the brief visits once in awhile but that's it.

i've been in fredonia since thursday night, at rehearsals and recitals and stuff. it is just cheaper to stay rather than drive here and back every day. well while it may be cheaper, it is certainly not worth it emotionally. i really really just want to get the hell out of here and go home. this is all because last night i hung out with my ex for the first time since december. i mean there were a bunch of us around but he was there. we were all drinking and eating barbecue and it felt just like the way it used to...with the obvious and enormous difference that we aren't together anymore. and while i thought i could handle it, i couldn't. granted i had 4 beers as well, which i originally thought might help the situation but it might it worse. i actually got up and left in the middle of while we were eating to go for a walk around the block and cry. and then when i came back it was jsut the same. it was like he didn't even notice that i had left. i'm sure he knew why i did. but he didn't say anything or act like he cared at all. and ya know what, he probably doesn't care. because he is in fredonia all the time. he has made a bunch of friends and hangs out with those people all the time. he's made new memories at fredonia and is probably having a great time. but for me, when i come back to fredonia, it's like i never left. i pick up right where i left off ion december, which was, well, terrible. it is so unfair. he is fine. i'm not. i don't even LIKE him anymore. but it is so hard to look at him because all i see when i look at him is all the memories that we made together. to think that we meant so much to each other, and now it's all over and we essentially have no significance in each other's lives anymore. how sad is that. i don't know. it just makes me miserable. i should never have come here and tried to act like everything was fine because it obviusly isn't, as my eyes are spilling over with tears just writing this. and now i'm going to be forced to see him again at a million recitals today. and i don't want to. i would be totally fine if i never saw him again. i wish he was graduating and going back home to be far away from me.

i can't can't can't can't wait until time has passed and i will be okay with everything. but i'm not okay at all. i have thought about nothing else but him since i woke up. why ami like this???? ok i have to stop writing or i will be a basket case. i want to go home so bad.

i am updating from the apple store. i love it in here. i pretty much drool over everything. i can't wait till my computer at home bites the dust and i'm forced to buy a fancy expensive apple computer. i think i'd want a laptop but maybe not...mmmm i love these computers. and i love not having school this week. :)