I've never hated myself or my life more than I do right now. It is not like a my whole life sucks thing just one part that sucks enough for all of it. I seriously hate myself. Like why can I not to such a simple thing as go up to someone and say hey, how are you, what are you up to. Something simple liek that to someone i have already talked to many times before. seriously how did I ruin this one? Ok i didn't ruin it yet but like if nothing happens it is all my own fault. Like it sees like there is such a simple solution and that what i have to do is so simple. WHy am i so afraid of rejection. No i don't' even think it is that, i could deal with the rejection, i already assuem the rejection, it is the actual act of trying to make any kind of cotnact that freaks me out for some reason. I have to get over it! I don't want to be alone for life, I don't' think?

And all I wanted to do was go drink a lot tonight and forget about it, but alas, noone would go out drinking with me. I wish (e:amanda) was in town and not in miami right now, she is always up for drowning our troubles in alcohol. Seriously I am so upset with myself and to top it all off i am completely sunburn. See (e:maureen)'s journal for proof. It hurts so baaaad! I have never been sunburned like this in my life.

I've been told i need to start showing some initiative in getting things I want. I can't let things just pass me by any longer. In theory that is a good idea but we'll see if I can actually do it. If only I had a little more confidence I could go and knock on that door.....

Wow! What a great group of people. I want to thank (e:ladycroft), (e:hodown), (e:metalpeter) and (e:tina) for helping me find that shirt. How great to know I throw a problem up here and in less than a day tons of people help me solve it. I love this place~

I saw a man the other day with a black t-shirt that said in white writing something like "Reason's I Procrastinate" and then started the list with a 1. and then nothing was wrriten after that. I WANT THAT T-SHIRT BAD! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWERE! Any ideas on where to find it? is there an online like tshirt website anyone knows of? If you see this tshirt anywhere, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! I should have asked him where it was from but I didn't! PLEASE ANY INFO WILL BE APPRECIATED

So the last weekish or so my friend's boyfriend has been in town. I've hung out with them a few times, just the three of us and while they will not admit it I think it is wearing on them. Like I think they hang out with me because they feel bad for my boredness but it is really kinda awkward always hanging out with a couple, especially just like watching TV or going to a movie. I mean actually it isn't super awkward but I feel like it should be and so then I think it is even if it isn't. I also am not so sure her boyfriend loves that I am always around. Like I understand, they don't get to see each other that much in the summer since they live in different cities so I probably wouldn't want a third wheel hanging around all the time too. Though he is super nice about it and never said anything or acted that way, i can just sense or just assume there must be some not happiness with the situation on his part. Some things I 've said about them in the past that they both know only make the situation worse. Not that I said bad things, like it was good things, but just things you don't say to people, especially when you don't really know one of them. Though it almost seems sometimes like my friend is sometimes exploiting the situation to the maximum awkwardness. Ok probably not but that is just what I think in my head. Like she knows I think it is awkward and then she does things that will make me feel more awkward. But at the same time I am having fun too. And its fun thinking there's always the possibility that .....ok no there's not but maybe? haha (a few of you will know what I'm talking about)