Ok, so I have no idea where it came from, or if it will last, but all of the sudden I had this zen-like epiphany. I think I always knew it, but I just stopped fighting it.

I can't force anything to happen.
And trying to will only make it worse.
Telling him off will only make it worse.
I am never going to get the answers I want.

All I can do is offer to be his friend. And not push.
And see what happens.

And somehow, I think I am ok with this.

I dunno peeps...

I might be cured.

Bring back the smiley face!!

:)

Saturday morning I decided enough was enough. I made myself leave the house, and I went to the Farmer's Market on Bidwell.

I bought myself a nice big bunch of cheery, colorful flowers.

On the way home, I stopped and ate at the Falafel Bar.

All of the sudden I started crying over my Falafel.

This morning I just got home from work.
Walked in the door, and saw my bright, cheery flowers.

And started crying.

This has got to stop.

Ok, I'm a little torn between keeping this secret, and sharing with all you lovely peeps. And I've decided- it's way too cool to keep secret.
Check it out-

It's music... worth it... I promise... I just don't want to make it too google-able.

I am having a really hard time not swearing and making jack-off gestures in front of my Mormon intern.

Usually I don't care. I have a mouth like a sailor, and it doesn't bother me, and I just assume it doesn't bother others either. I guess I think everyone swears like I do. But maybe I'm a little on the crude side...

And I'm not really one to censor myself for others... but I'm working with this Mormon now... And he's just a nice, wholesome, mild-mannered, family man. But he's also my intern and i'm his 'boss'. Which means he is the first-line defense "against" the monkeys in the ER etc that want to reach surgery. I.e. they have to go through him first, and if he can't handle it he calls me for help/backup.

But he's only a few weeks into internship, and I remember how scary that first year is... You want to be strong and independent and not have to ask for help, but you also don't want to make a mistake... it can be a fine line. so if I'm in the same room when he gets paged, I'll eavesdrop when he answers and help out if need be.

But he is not yet the cynic that I am. He is very polite and nice to everyone- to their face, and behind their backs. I am very nice and polite to them to their face and on the phone, but as soon as they leave, I guess I have a tendency to rip into them. Only if they deserve it of course... (which they usually do. haha)

And the contrast between us is a little obvious sometimes, oops.

Like just before I could hear him on the phone "hi, this is Dr X from surgery, I was paged? yes how can I help you... yup... uh-huh... ok... oh he's got one stitch left in from a week ago and you don't know how to take it out? yeah sure... we'll check it out... no problem... thanks"

All the while I am sitting here rolling my eyes and making crude gestures at the person on the other end of the phone thinking "oh my god these jackasses... why the fuck are they bothering us with this nonsense they can't figure out how to take out a fucking stitch?..." etc.

Ok so I'm exaggerating for the sake of this post, but still... point is I guess I could be nicer. And Mormon boy made me realize maybe I should be a little more polite sometimes.

Or not. Fuck 'em. :P

-J

(but the sad face userpic still stays. That part is still a big BOO)

First- more music update. Cut Chemist (the DJ from J5)- also very cool.
And Pelican City was added to the list to check out.

But on to my point...

So I just had dinner with my ex. The ex of all the drama from my early posts... And... I think I am totally over him and OK.
Thank god!!!

We haven't really been in touch. Occasional emails here and there, and I saw him on the street one day. Always civil and pleasant, but that's it.

Well the other day he emailed me out of the blue. I just thought 'huh, that's funny' but didn't think much of it. Then talked to a friend who was like "DUH! He must be single again and is looking to start something up..." I must say, the thought hadn't even crossed my mind. But, I'll admit it was vaguely flattering.

So we had dinner tonight. And it was nice. Conversation was easy and we laughed... but sitting there looking at him, I finally realized I'm over him. And fine with it.

I can still see what I liked about him- but now I can also see the things about him that I didn't like- that I tried to brush under the rug b/c I so wanted to be with him. And now it's pretty obvious to me that he isn't (and wasn't) right for me. We can be friends, but I don't want him. Sure I don't mind thinking maybe he's interested again... but that's just my ego.

And- this is a little thing, but huge. It was the first time EVER that he let me pay for something. And not only didn't fight me when I reached for my purse, but even asked "I'll put in $20, you get the rest?"

I mean it would be inappropriate for him to pay for me at this point. But he has never let me pay a cent before. Even when we've gone out in our semi-broken-up limbo state. So I think that means something.

Yay. Despite the fact that I never got the closure from him that I so craved- I think I can finally close that chapter, without any lingering doubts/questions/issues, and put it behind me and move on and be ok with it. And that feels good.

Now I have more time to devote ALL my energies to stressing about my OTHER drama. ;)