But first, a good thing.
Maybe this "be friends" and "don't throw myself at him" is a good move... We're talking again... had a lovely weekend... I'm still getting kind of mixed messages, but I'm trying not to obsess... And then this morning he asked me out for dinner. But I have plans, so I said no. But it made me happy nonetheless.

And a question for you peeps... Another guy asked me out for dinner... I wouldn't mind going, he seems like an ok guy, but considering the mess my head/heart have been lately, I think it would be leading him on to accept a date. I know some people can date lots of people at once, but I just can't. And I would feel guilty if I were just using him for dinner, if I knew that I didn't want it to go anywhere. So I told him that. I said that I don't like to lead people on or hurt people's feelings and that I just wanted to come right out and say that I'm not sure how "emotionally available" I am right now- but if he's ok with that and still wants dinner, I'd be happy to. And he responded by saying "no offense, but I thought it might be nice to just get to know each other before I get too concerend about how 'emotionally available' you are or aren't." Touche...
So what do you guys think? Was it too presumptuous of me to bother saying anything to him? I was just trying to be honest, which is all I ever hope people will do for me...

Ok, but now to bitching...

So as you may or may not know, I am in the 4th year (of 5) of my general surgery residency. I am applying for a Plastic Surgery fellowship to follow this, which is another 2-3 years. Plastics has gotten super-competitive, and I'm not sure I have a chance in hell. (which probably means I should stop procrastinating on my personal statement, eh? God I hate those things...)

But this application process, aside from being difficult and stressful, is so damn expensive!!! I just took the third and final part of the medical licensing exam (and passed- THANK GOD)- That was $650 for the test, plus a plane ticket. When I apply for the actual license, depending on the state that will be $200-700 more- per year. A DEA number costs hundreds... The application- $50 to "register" for the Match. $160 to have the American Board of Plastic Surgery "evaluate" my education/training to date and make sure it's adequate. Then the application itself- I fill it out and send it to a central office, who then photocopies it and mails it to the programs I choose. There are 65 programs. It's $25/program- as long as i get it in by 9/1. Plastics is so competitive that in order to give myself the best chances, I should just apply to all of them. That's $1625. Then, assuming I get any interviews, I need a suit or two, and plane tickets/hotels for all of them.

And my favorite- the FCVS (federal credentials verification service) is an office that keeps official copies of my transcripts, test scores, etc for when I apply for a license. The FCVS is a part of the FSMB (federation of state medical boards.) The FSMB is who you call for official copies of exam scores. The FCVS shares a building with the FSMB. But they still require you to pay a $50 fee to have the FSMB send them your test scores. I'm sure they have an intern walk down the hall and put it in a box. Woohoo! not only that- but I am paying $50 right now to send my scores out for my application. That $50 buys me two copies. I called FCVS to say "listen i'm sending my scores out anyway... can I just send you a copy?" They said no. They need to request it themselves. For another $50.

I know it's just money, but still..... This process is going to cost me THOUSANDS of dollars- and I'm not at all sure I'll even succeed! I make ok money, and I'm grateful for that... but I work my ass off, and I have almost $200K in loans to pay off. And I just saw a posting for a "medical supply technician"- that pays more than I make.

Sorry. I'm not really this materialistic. Like I said it's just money and I know I'm fortunate to be where I am... I'm just not looking forward to racking up $5K in credit card bills this year. :(

Ok, enough ranting....

I just got stung by a bee in my backyard! Little fucker!

Damn nature.

(and, I should have some puppy pix for you one of these days.)

Ok, so I have no idea where it came from, or if it will last, but all of the sudden I had this zen-like epiphany. I think I always knew it, but I just stopped fighting it.

I can't force anything to happen.
And trying to will only make it worse.
Telling him off will only make it worse.
I am never going to get the answers I want.

All I can do is offer to be his friend. And not push.
And see what happens.

And somehow, I think I am ok with this.

I dunno peeps...

I might be cured.

Bring back the smiley face!!

:)

Saturday morning I decided enough was enough. I made myself leave the house, and I went to the Farmer's Market on Bidwell.

I bought myself a nice big bunch of cheery, colorful flowers.

On the way home, I stopped and ate at the Falafel Bar.

All of the sudden I started crying over my Falafel.

This morning I just got home from work.
Walked in the door, and saw my bright, cheery flowers.

And started crying.

This has got to stop.

Ok, I'm a little torn between keeping this secret, and sharing with all you lovely peeps. And I've decided- it's way too cool to keep secret.
Check it out-

It's music... worth it... I promise... I just don't want to make it too google-able.