What is "it" you might ask? "It" is my recovery. I will never overcome my depression. My treatment program is incompatible with my job so I've quit it, along with one of the medications. I don't know if I'll ever be happy and content with life. My job is too important to risk it based on not being able to keep a constant schedule. I would rather be unhappy and employed than unhappy and not employed. I talk about relationships often but I am nowhere near boyfriend material. Being a blonde, pale skinned dork doesn't exactly help things either. Plus one of the people I care about most on the earth will not even speak a word to me or respond to an IM or e-mail. People say that they want to help and to call if I'm feeling like shit but they really don't want to hear what I have to say, they are just trying to be nice. Nobody wants to hear me talk about being unhappy, it's all a bunch of bullshit. Their patience, compassion and understanding change like the direction of the wind. I have no hope. It is all over and done with.
Jason's Journal
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06/29/2005 20:04 #23501
I've Given Up On It06/29/2005 10:22 #23500
Re-making America In "Our" ImageThe far left wants exactly what the far right wants - to make America in their own image. There are a number of things the far left doesn't like about our country - shit as I write this I can't think of one thing the far left DOES like about our country. Starting with the Constitution they want to re-program America and its citizens. I'll give you the answers you need and a glimpse of what a Liberal America would look like.
1) The Constitution needs to be re-written. We are born without rights. Our rights are NOT given to us by our Creator - like in Europe all of our rights are given to us by the graces of the state. The new Constitution needs to have every single last reference to "God" or "Creator" removed. In addition the Constitution is faulty because our innate rights do not include universal health care and free dope for the junkies. This stuff needs to be written in ASAP.
2) All references to God will be removed from the public arena. No longer will it be on our money, on our court buildings, nor will they rest on the face of churches (they will be made illegal, as will prayer).
3) There need be only one political party - the Liberal Party, and all other political points of view must be extinguished because they are faulty. All seats in the government and judiciary must be held by the Liberal Party. No other political voice is correct, so why are they necessary?
3) The media need not be fair and balanced. Hell, even the so-called "Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting" has a link on their front page detailing why the media doesn't need to be balanced (and I'll give you one guess as to why). The media will not question the Liberal government, because the government in our image is infallible, without fault.
4) Every liberal's wet dream will finally become a reality - the military will be dissolved and the billions will be spent on other government pet projects.
5) Faith in God will finally be correctly diagnosed as a mental illness, and all the believers will be sent away to "hospitals" to be de-programmed! They will not be released into the public until they renounce their faith and give their body and soul to the government (whoops, there I go again, sorry, we don't have souls).
6) We will cease to be the republic we've known. As every liberal knows, democracy ain't democracy unless it's Socialism or one of its variants. Furthermore, we will in tradition excuse away human rights violations by leftist regimes. We will no longer be able to vote for our country's leader - we leave that up to the Liberal party leaders. They are wise, all-knowing.
7) The role of corporations will finally change! Instead of driving innovation and a higher quality of life we will prioritize equal share of money among all employees. People don't like to be paid what they're worth anyway. The role of a corporation is to simply provide money and something to do for people when they aren't away on vacation. In addition we will continue the tradition of punishing people for working hard and becoming successful.
8) Cars will be made illegal. We will all ride our bicycles everywhere, or use the Liberal Party's newly created mass public transportation system.
9) The role of the straight male will be changed forever. Father's rights organizations will be hunted down and annihilated, and men will be reduced to sperm donors and ATM machines. Men will have every law in the book thrown at him in the courts and in public opinion. Also if you are unfortunate enough to be white, you will be given mandatory training in Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the United States" so you can understand how horrible and awful and worthy of humiliation and punishment you are starting from birth. (Whoops, we're well on our way on this one already!)
10) There will be a mandatory "dream journey" type of experience where you have to do peyote and walk the earth for a period of time, until you figure out that you are God, that we all are God.
1) The Constitution needs to be re-written. We are born without rights. Our rights are NOT given to us by our Creator - like in Europe all of our rights are given to us by the graces of the state. The new Constitution needs to have every single last reference to "God" or "Creator" removed. In addition the Constitution is faulty because our innate rights do not include universal health care and free dope for the junkies. This stuff needs to be written in ASAP.
2) All references to God will be removed from the public arena. No longer will it be on our money, on our court buildings, nor will they rest on the face of churches (they will be made illegal, as will prayer).
3) There need be only one political party - the Liberal Party, and all other political points of view must be extinguished because they are faulty. All seats in the government and judiciary must be held by the Liberal Party. No other political voice is correct, so why are they necessary?
3) The media need not be fair and balanced. Hell, even the so-called "Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting" has a link on their front page detailing why the media doesn't need to be balanced (and I'll give you one guess as to why). The media will not question the Liberal government, because the government in our image is infallible, without fault.
4) Every liberal's wet dream will finally become a reality - the military will be dissolved and the billions will be spent on other government pet projects.
5) Faith in God will finally be correctly diagnosed as a mental illness, and all the believers will be sent away to "hospitals" to be de-programmed! They will not be released into the public until they renounce their faith and give their body and soul to the government (whoops, there I go again, sorry, we don't have souls).
6) We will cease to be the republic we've known. As every liberal knows, democracy ain't democracy unless it's Socialism or one of its variants. Furthermore, we will in tradition excuse away human rights violations by leftist regimes. We will no longer be able to vote for our country's leader - we leave that up to the Liberal party leaders. They are wise, all-knowing.
7) The role of corporations will finally change! Instead of driving innovation and a higher quality of life we will prioritize equal share of money among all employees. People don't like to be paid what they're worth anyway. The role of a corporation is to simply provide money and something to do for people when they aren't away on vacation. In addition we will continue the tradition of punishing people for working hard and becoming successful.
8) Cars will be made illegal. We will all ride our bicycles everywhere, or use the Liberal Party's newly created mass public transportation system.
9) The role of the straight male will be changed forever. Father's rights organizations will be hunted down and annihilated, and men will be reduced to sperm donors and ATM machines. Men will have every law in the book thrown at him in the courts and in public opinion. Also if you are unfortunate enough to be white, you will be given mandatory training in Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the United States" so you can understand how horrible and awful and worthy of humiliation and punishment you are starting from birth. (Whoops, we're well on our way on this one already!)
10) There will be a mandatory "dream journey" type of experience where you have to do peyote and walk the earth for a period of time, until you figure out that you are God, that we all are God.
06/28/2005 18:35 #23499
Radioactive!After reading (e:Terry)'s post about the radioactive material, I believe I have an answer. A satisfactory answer, one that will make everyone feel happy and lovey and want to hug each other, probably not. Brace yourselves for the truth!
The U.S. military is working in conjunction with the aliens to develop an anti-gravity device. The motivation is to come up with a type of transportation system that doesn't require treads, wheels, or any other kind of ground-based technology. You see tanks and other vehicles can get stuck in awkward terrain (like sand!) and require large amounts of money and oill to move around. The military wants vehicles that can float slightly above the surface, rendering the type of surface irrelevant. Imagine 50 Abrams tank type things that simply float over water, over mountaintops and run over the sand at about 150 mph. You're fucked. I guarantee you'd poop your pants and drop your gun. For a while now the military has taken advantage of new technology to decrease the amount of manpower, and increase the effectiveness of their weapons. This is no different, but it will have other consequences besides those two things.
This will usher in a new era in the military. The Navy and the Air Force will eventually be joined together, creating a US "fleet" of air-based gunships and even larger battle cruisers. It will require a significant change in the military management structure, but it will go along perfectly with their strategy of joint warfare. It will make joint warfare that much simpler and more effective. I'm sure there could also be many more byproducts of the research, but primarily the objective is to make the military faster, scarier, and more deadly.
Jason
The U.S. military is working in conjunction with the aliens to develop an anti-gravity device. The motivation is to come up with a type of transportation system that doesn't require treads, wheels, or any other kind of ground-based technology. You see tanks and other vehicles can get stuck in awkward terrain (like sand!) and require large amounts of money and oill to move around. The military wants vehicles that can float slightly above the surface, rendering the type of surface irrelevant. Imagine 50 Abrams tank type things that simply float over water, over mountaintops and run over the sand at about 150 mph. You're fucked. I guarantee you'd poop your pants and drop your gun. For a while now the military has taken advantage of new technology to decrease the amount of manpower, and increase the effectiveness of their weapons. This is no different, but it will have other consequences besides those two things.
This will usher in a new era in the military. The Navy and the Air Force will eventually be joined together, creating a US "fleet" of air-based gunships and even larger battle cruisers. It will require a significant change in the military management structure, but it will go along perfectly with their strategy of joint warfare. It will make joint warfare that much simpler and more effective. I'm sure there could also be many more byproducts of the research, but primarily the objective is to make the military faster, scarier, and more deadly.
Jason
06/27/2005 14:26 #23498
Being a Vagitarian (Warning! Vulgar!)Over the years we have put up monuments glorifying the male form. This drives me crazy because in my view the female form is the most beautiful, breathtaking, awe inspiring thing in the universe. The softness of the features, the curves, the legs and ass, I can't help but be mesmerized every time I see a cute girl walking down the street. There isn't a single doubt in my mind that if I were female I would be a lesbian. Pussy power ain't no myth. Wars have been fought over it. It makes men do crazy things. It makes men sad and want to crawl into a hole for the rest of their life. Beware the pussy power!
Apologies to the gay dudes here but I just don't understand the appeal of sucking dick! At the same time I would never ever ever ever date a girl who didn't do that, and didn't do it often. I know guys who aren't down with it but going down on a woman is one of the most amazing experiences life has to offer. Having her smooth legs over your shoulders, pleasing her with your lips and tongue, exploring her body, seeing her nips harden and watching her facial expressions - knowing you can do that to someone is one of the best feelings I've ever had. Men are visual creatures and nothing flips my switch quite like that visual, except maybe when she is on top and my hands are all up on her ass.
Of course I've been denied that experience lately but depending on how much of a conniving, evil son of a bitch I want to be I think I can resume my vagitarian nature soon. Here's to all of the male and female vagitarians!
Jason
Apologies to the gay dudes here but I just don't understand the appeal of sucking dick! At the same time I would never ever ever ever date a girl who didn't do that, and didn't do it often. I know guys who aren't down with it but going down on a woman is one of the most amazing experiences life has to offer. Having her smooth legs over your shoulders, pleasing her with your lips and tongue, exploring her body, seeing her nips harden and watching her facial expressions - knowing you can do that to someone is one of the best feelings I've ever had. Men are visual creatures and nothing flips my switch quite like that visual, except maybe when she is on top and my hands are all up on her ass.
Of course I've been denied that experience lately but depending on how much of a conniving, evil son of a bitch I want to be I think I can resume my vagitarian nature soon. Here's to all of the male and female vagitarians!
Jason
06/27/2005 12:15 #23497
Left Bank and Artvoice Street FestivalI went to an excellent Cuban themed party at the home of my brother's boss on Saturday. They had a pig roast (interesting to see a pig split from the neck to its ass) and lots of Mojitos. I met some French Canadians and some Mexicans. I also met a co-worker of my brother's who said she and her husband are leaving the US over American politics (my response is typically "fine, get the fuck out, i'll help you pack" but I had to be charming). Everyone was nice and I had a very good time. I also got to meet (e:Joshua)'s co-worker Julio who he has been globe-trotting with. They get along beautifully.
When I got home my neighbor Vinay guilted me into going with him and one of his friends to Left Bank to get a couple of sodas. I admit to having judged Left Bank based on the girls I know who go there - I thought it would be jam packed full of gold diggers and other parasites - I thought it would be a miserable experience but I was totally wrong. The bar is really nice, I wish they didn't have that house/trance music assaulting my senses so loudly, but they have lots of good stuff on tap and also Johnny Walker Blue so those who think they are classy and can tell the difference between it and dog piss can get drunk as well. They have a nice outdoor patio area - someday if I ever have a girlfriend again I'd like to take her there. I saw some Kuni's waitresses there - I wonder why the asian one always has a perma-scowl on her face? It wasn't at all a diverse crowd but at least you don't have to get dressed to the nines to go there! They also put out some free food - it was some kind of bbq beef and rice mixture. I didn't care what it was, because it tasted great. There were plenty of beautiful girls there too, but everyone there is basically with a group of people and they aren't trying to socialize with anyone else. It was a far more acceptable mix of surburbanite and city folk than Cozumel. All this being said I had a great time there, and I will definitely stop there on another Saturday night.
Dad came up yesterday with some friends and took me to the Artvoice Street Festival to see some live music. Now everyone here knows that I think Artvoice is more or less bird cage worthy, but they put on one hell of a show for us downtown. I hope everyone got a chance to check it out. Benevento Russo Duo was new to me, but I absolutely LOVED their music. My head was definitely boppin. MMW was of course amazing and wonderful - it was Dad's first MMW experience and he thought it was outstanding. I hadn't heard too much Gov't Mule but I have to say without a doubt it was the best live music experience I've had at the square so far. I wasn't sure if I really liked the music or not but as the show went on I grew to enjoy what they were doing. Everyone was into it, and the band went way out of their way to show appreciation for the fans. By the end of it all I wanted to hear more and more from them. Now I see why so many people love them. I also saw my friends from Lazlo Hollyfeld - my buddy Chris is in a new reggae band! There isn't much reggae in Buffalo and I love it as much as any style of music. Chris said that their lead singer is cute and I should come down to McGarret's to see them on Thursday night. All in all it was a fantastic day and a very fun weekend. I really needed it!
Jason
When I got home my neighbor Vinay guilted me into going with him and one of his friends to Left Bank to get a couple of sodas. I admit to having judged Left Bank based on the girls I know who go there - I thought it would be jam packed full of gold diggers and other parasites - I thought it would be a miserable experience but I was totally wrong. The bar is really nice, I wish they didn't have that house/trance music assaulting my senses so loudly, but they have lots of good stuff on tap and also Johnny Walker Blue so those who think they are classy and can tell the difference between it and dog piss can get drunk as well. They have a nice outdoor patio area - someday if I ever have a girlfriend again I'd like to take her there. I saw some Kuni's waitresses there - I wonder why the asian one always has a perma-scowl on her face? It wasn't at all a diverse crowd but at least you don't have to get dressed to the nines to go there! They also put out some free food - it was some kind of bbq beef and rice mixture. I didn't care what it was, because it tasted great. There were plenty of beautiful girls there too, but everyone there is basically with a group of people and they aren't trying to socialize with anyone else. It was a far more acceptable mix of surburbanite and city folk than Cozumel. All this being said I had a great time there, and I will definitely stop there on another Saturday night.
Dad came up yesterday with some friends and took me to the Artvoice Street Festival to see some live music. Now everyone here knows that I think Artvoice is more or less bird cage worthy, but they put on one hell of a show for us downtown. I hope everyone got a chance to check it out. Benevento Russo Duo was new to me, but I absolutely LOVED their music. My head was definitely boppin. MMW was of course amazing and wonderful - it was Dad's first MMW experience and he thought it was outstanding. I hadn't heard too much Gov't Mule but I have to say without a doubt it was the best live music experience I've had at the square so far. I wasn't sure if I really liked the music or not but as the show went on I grew to enjoy what they were doing. Everyone was into it, and the band went way out of their way to show appreciation for the fans. By the end of it all I wanted to hear more and more from them. Now I see why so many people love them. I also saw my friends from Lazlo Hollyfeld - my buddy Chris is in a new reggae band! There isn't much reggae in Buffalo and I love it as much as any style of music. Chris said that their lead singer is cute and I should come down to McGarret's to see them on Thursday night. All in all it was a fantastic day and a very fun weekend. I really needed it!
Jason
First of all I understand the entire not being boyfriend thoughts. But what you need to try to remember (not that I can) is that there are a lot of guys worse off then you who have Girlfriends. I have heard some ladies talk about their men and thought why would these ladies put up with the crap, that is insane. My mind kinda works in a simalur way I see a cool looking chic and think what would she want with me. But from what I understand I'm thinking backwards. I should think What does she have to offer me. Try to be more confedent with your self. Try to think more positivly. There are ways to cope with the depression with out meds. Atitude can help. I'm sure there is lots of info on line or at the libary.
Thanks Lee, I'm not trying to be a drama queen or anything, I just feel so shitty today. I am one BS comment away from breathing the fires of hell on someone.
Jason, i am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time right now. Depression is a serious illness and i regret to hear how treating it is interfering with your job. Sorry, too, to hear that there is someone in your life that isn't speaking to you. Wish i could offer you advice, but i'm certainly no expert on relationships myself. Good luck and, although it sounds lame, keep your chin up. Dorks rule, btw! :O)