Christmas break has been a life saver. I have finally slowed down and have managed to do nothing for several days now! I really should go home and get something done. I've been hiding in my parents guest bedroom. It is a good place to hide. Nobody believes that I'd go there to hide. Plain sight kind of hiding.

I was thinking about the last 3 months and all of the changes it has brought to my life. I don't really think I have had time to process what I have lived. Time is really precious. I think I have taken it for granted. Busy is one thing. Simply maniacal is another.

I like change. It is good. I was reading my emails which seriously pile up over the week and a friend from out of state IM'ed me. It is exactly what I needed. That conversation really cheered me up. I feel good, but it is like i waited all day for it.

Silly me. Now that I turned my internal engine off I am having trouble getting it to start again. I think I need to go back to journaling daily with pen and paper. Get the juices flowing. There are so many things I have been putting on hold, developing ideas for projects, stories, new artwork, poems that haven't been written yet, philosophies on life, thoughts I haven't heard, dreams I have forgotten to ponder, feelings I have ignored, things that are really important to me, life lessons, staying organized, shopping, comic books to read, books to discover myself in, music to sing and dance too. I have so much waiting for me to do, things that I love doing, how did I forget to take a break!?

How does one learn to be a workaholic in a healthy lifestyle? If I practiced the answer I would be a millionaire and people would be coming to me for answers. Maybe I should just stick to asking questions. I like questions. I like learning new things. Like what do I want to be when I grow up?

I don't plan on ever growing up. I like being me. I'm not sure of this illusion of becoming a responsible adult. The grass is always greener on the other side. Here is the rest of the story: and when you get to the other side the grass is greener from whence you came. Therefore the moral of the story is all that glitters, glitters and are you smart enough to enjoy your bling bling where you are?

Enjoy each day for the gift it has been given to you, that is my current challenge.

It is a gift that keeps on giving that does no one any good.
How is it when your parents ask something of you, you as the child are not allowed to say no. I guess the real issue is a battle of wills. If I win, I feel terribly guilty for not doing what I was asked to do. Yet, if I given in, depending on the issue will depend on the resentment I have for myself. This here is a delicate balance between self preservation and respect for your elders.
It is not about what is asked, being the real issue. It is typically stating that I would prefer to _______. They state we are or I am and ______. Again filling in the blank isn't the real issue. Instead it is the issue of will. What am I willing to give up in order to do and what am I getting in return. Most of these issues blow over after said errand, or task is completed with or without me. Yet I am still racked with guilt either way. So now I feel like a sod for not going on said errand. I wanted to do something else. Of course the weather is bad and parent insisted on going out in it. The car is not in good condition and the rental has not arrived yet. So the preverbial worrywart is at her station - me. So now i feel the need to worry until she gets back, because what if_____. Then it is all my fault. Yet it is really only a matter of will. Her will led her to decided, and go. My will forced me to stay and wait. Yet I am not doing what I wanted to do while I waited. Maybe the other assumption parents make is that you will do it no matter what you just stated to the opposite.
This Christmas is just never had it's equal. None of us want to do anything. We feel tired and out of sorts. Everyone is grumpy, moody and acting childish. I am no different than the rest of my family. Then as for everyone else who is in a good mood, why do they expect me or the grumpy part of my family to be any different. Hell, last year I was kicked out of the house i was invited to for dinner do to too many people showing up. It made for a shitty Christmas afternoon and evening. I really don't have much energy to celebrate. I don't even want to go to church. Of course that will depend on the car. What is with me? Or everyone around me? Why are we so gloomy?
We have lost one too many family members and the family is shrinking and the times are changing and though change is good sometimes it takes awhile before you can settle into it.

Sometimes life is truly insane. I had a morning planned and now it is noon and I have not gotten to anything on my list, had some unexpected surprises, interesting phone conversation, on a new hunt for my aunt (I think I have an addiction to helping people - this really is a problem. I think I will worry about it tomorrow though because today is simply busier than expected.) Didn't start working on my incomplete class. Didn't manage to get into the shower and still in my PJ's (which is the luxury of being on vacation), Need to revamp some lesson plans, create handouts for next semester, update my grade book, correct papers, Clean my apartment, find out why my tuition has not been paid, figure out how much i owe, plan next months bills, finish making Christmas gifts, do laundry, do my toxic dishes, clean the 7 rooms in my apartment so you can call them clean, all before the inspector comes, visit with friends stopping over, help my dad with his stuff, my neighbor, help him with the fixings for Christmas dinner, help my mom do her stuff, try to put myself back together.
I have told people that my stress level has gotten me to contemplate slitting my wrists. There response is to laugh and say your not serious. Why did I just say it, if I didn't mean it. People kill me. These last three months have had me one step away from sanity and one foot in my grave. No, I don't have 3 kids. (I choose to not have kids at this time in my life.) No, I don't have a husband. (I choose not to add more stress to my life and no one male is truly that insane.) I've heard every excuse why my life isn't as stressful as theirs and to be completely candid: They are right, but also full of shit! It is my life that I am talking about and I am staying sane and alive only because of my belief system. That I choose to put this maniacal schedule into motion and my word that I would do what I said I would do. Therefore I am doing it. Now to speak to the sanity of these choices is to deal more with my emotional state of being. I just finished going to school full time, working a part-time teaching job which is full time but I am getting paid for part-time. Still I kept my routine and struggled through deadlines, miscommunication, people not willing to make compromises, friends who were very self absorbed, losing a long term 10 year friendship, having my father in and out of the hospital, car problems, getting to work and school problems, losing a close friend to a sudden and unexpected death, meetings, choir practice, papers, research,making handouts, grades, correcting papers, work stress and politics, school stress and politics, I'm tired of typing it all out... that is the gist.
SO I have been on this emotional roller coaster and only I have seen the decline in myself. I must pretend really well or people are gutless to talk about real life problems. I have every sign of depression and too stubborn to pay with money I don't have to have a shrink tell me I am sane and need to clear off my plate. See, all this I know, it is in the application of knowledge and self discovery that we create success where defeat looms as the inevitable and heavy shoe to fall. I am almost finished with the ball and chain.
It is just in the loss of self I have been remiss in stating, i miss me most of all and haven't had time for her since July. I know people who have successfully managed to live life without ever missing their relationship with themselves, but again I am an artist not by choice but by birth. I do not have a choice about being an artist, it consumes my soul and begs for expression. Imagine holding that in because you simply did not have time to feel for 3 months? I was on emotional hold and now I am a dam about to burst with no direction and trying to stay relaxed. Like when people witness you staying in your PJ's for three days and watching TV and sleeping, which I feel I have earned without interruption or qualification.
Who are we to judge? Why do so many people want me to know their business? And why do I listen? It is that whole treat people the way you want to be treated thingy. I guess I do it because if I was standing where they were I would hope that someone would listen, help or do something with me or to help me. Guess what? Other people are too busy living their lives to help someone else. This is why I haven't has much Christmas spirit in years. Why I miss my grandparents! and why I have been living on the edge of reason. So Neitche, I have been made stronger, but I stand alone in a room full of people waiting to enjoy the company of one, myself. And almost fearful of how to begin because it is a habit i should have never started - to ignore oneself is self-destruction! The only problem with me being insane is I have the self-awareness to know I am not, but feeling very close to the precipice of insanity willing myself to jump but having a firm conviction in life and making a sorry attempt to live it~!

I have this fairytale perspective that people should follow their hearts. On many occasions it has gotten mine crushed. Never-the-less I still believe, call me a zealot. Either way I have a friend I am mourning the loss over. I have loved him since the first day we realized we had something in common. I have no idea why we stayed friends over the years. But we did. Now, I need to move on and we are incommunicado. There are so many days I think God - he would love to hear about this. My life seems to never go off stage. Always on call, something is always going on and I enjoy the weekends, I enjoy the moments in between when life is quiet and there is nothing keeping me from the movie spree in my living room. Except my best est friend to discuss the details with. It's not just the movies. It is all the things we could talk about, our feelings, our passions, music, life, family, art, people, lessons, work, school, our lives, our dreams, just hearing his voice leaving a message on my machine. I never knew how important he was in my life, now that I think he is gone. It doesn't really matter why we are not talking, it is the fact that we are not talking. Living at opposite ends of the state has something to do with it. I have never has a problem letting my friends go about their business and come back and give me an update. But there was something so final in the last time we said goodbye. Bon Jovi said "Never say goodbye." SIGH I guess I don't really, but I need to close this chapter, because many more are waiting in the wings. There are experiences and life just waiting til I stop being depressed and maniacal. There is the necessary mourning period for any friend that has been close to my heart. For most there is always the possibility of the door reopening. Hey, Mister, the same goes for him too! For some reason I can not fathom this one hurts more deeply than any other that has gone before.
It is true, I am good at making friends, but I think people forget that relationships take energy and we must work for all the things we have in our lives. I hope and pray I never took you for granted, and if I did I have more that repaid my debt with all the pain my heart has endured.
Where do we go from here? (Boys II Men) Can I have another Amen? (Fighting Temptations.) It is a death of sort to close tis chapter with the main character thinking it is all over, not really knowing the whole story but I doubt I'll ever be reading that script.
For Mr. Lee I bequeath a part of my heart always to love you no matter what, because I have tried to squeeze it out, but it refuses to go. As you are not currently not part of my life, I'm letting you go. (Do I really have a choice? Can you take more than one day at a time.... - 28 days) What I wish you is true love and true happiness in every day of your life. I just want to see you happy, even if I never see it with my own eyes. I hope you find what you are looking for. Where ever it is, I hope you find it. I will never forget you. I will always love you. There is always a place in my heart for you.
The thing that leaves me looking over my shoulder for that shadow that just moved... was it real? Did it real exist? Or was it all in my head? Our friendship? I did most of the talking. You did most of the listening. Did I not listen? What did I misunderstand? How did we get here? I guess I was wrong. (Always Wrong never right... I was born in the year of the chicken - Chorus Line) It is kind like when Michael J Fox goes back in time in Back to the Future and he realizes he changed some major time line that if he doesn't fix he will not exist. I guess that is the mourning of emotions I am dealing with. Except add a dash of those great oldies like "White Christmas" where you do it because you love someone. Everything is on the up and up, no Hank panky, just good old fashion respect for each other. You gotta wonder where it goes, when whatever it is we had is gone. Where does that go and how to I caught the next train there...
I love you, Mr. Lee. May the future you choose to bless you with happiness as well as success (because that is a given).
Taking BJ's advise and every old movie I have ever loved and for art sake: Until we meet again...

What do three decades of living really say about any human being? 30. Hm mm. My birthday was a total let down. I didn't expect everyone one I know to just leave me a message at the tone and not get back to me. Of course I am writing about it 3 months later. When I was a little girl, I did not see myself here. Oh yeah I had unattainable goals, but I also had a few realistic dreams. Not that they aren't in the making, it is just they seem to be suspended.
Life keeps on turning, days keeping on moving, nights keep on floating past my subconsciousness. I just found my first paying (not as well as I'd hoped) career. I still have hoops to jump through to finish that career goal. I gave up on a dream, for a moment, to give something else a try. I found something I am good at. I said I'd give teaching 5 years. Maybe I will have learned my lesson.
Money. Could be better, could be worse. Not where I thought I'd be either. I didn't see myself rich, but not quite as poor as I am. I pay my bills. I am responsible. I want to know what extra money a month is like or an allowance that i get to spend any way i want. I want to know what it feels like to see something I want and not have to budget for 3 to 6 months to get it!
Friends. They are out there somewhere. I always had a bunch, but every time I go back to school my social life goes south. Nonexistent-land. Just getting reacquainted with myself after 3 months in HELL. I'm giving that one some time to evolve. (that reminds me I meant to buy Ani's CD)
Love. I thought I had something there for a moment when I was 29 and then it was gone by the time I reached 30. Hurt. I will survive. Somehow we all manage too! Will I do it again? Yeah, in a heart beat. Why do we continue to repeat the same behavior and expect different results every time? Maybe I should change something. I'm not really looking. Haven't had time, but then again the hopeless romantic in me will continue to shine a beacon into the darkness of space and wait a millenia to find its compliment. I believe in fairy tales still - he is out there. I also am a realist, he is human, makes mistakes, and we will balance, compliment each other when we do meet. Hasn't happened yet...
Home. I have one. Right now it looks like I have two hurricanes living as my roommates. Since vacation I have been attempting to create change and order into my apartment. It is slow, but it was neat when my life turned upside down. I am comfortable there. It needs some work. Remodeling is on the schedule with the landlord, so change is in sight. Good or bad we shall find out...
What else is there?
Happiness. There are many things I have learned about happiness. One is it is my responsibility and no one else's to make myself happy. I can allow people to make me feel happy, but only I can make myself happy. I have been a little stressed to the edge of my sanity sort of limit breaking personal evolution sort of experience. So I think one of my new priorities is to figure out what things make me happy and do one of them a day.
Sex. The first thing that comes to mind is a song in the movie A Chorus Line "...me and Paulette, we did it in a graveyard. First time we made love we were not a hit, I thought that this is it, every ones lying. Next time we made love... but then we did it again and I forgot to be scared I guess, cause when we did it again I closed my eyes - surprise. Suprise. Sur-pri-iise. Sweet icicle hot, sweet as a lemon pie, soaring across the sky into the ocean..."
ART - my love, my passion is on hold until i find my sanity, and it is coming to a home theater near me... I am not waiting until it comes out on DVD, I am preordering it to arrive any moment now.
School - almost over. An incomplete to go. 3 seminars. 3 tests. and a few other oddities and I hope paying for my education stops for a while. I will always be a life learner and it is a continual process of growth. When you stop - you die. So I am looking for the educational evolution to grow out of a building and into life, people, experiences not classrooms and tests and tuition payments. We shall see what god wants of me...