I have this fairytale perspective that people should follow their hearts. On many occasions it has gotten mine crushed. Never-the-less I still believe, call me a zealot. Either way I have a friend I am mourning the loss over. I have loved him since the first day we realized we had something in common. I have no idea why we stayed friends over the years. But we did. Now, I need to move on and we are incommunicado. There are so many days I think God - he would love to hear about this. My life seems to never go off stage. Always on call, something is always going on and I enjoy the weekends, I enjoy the moments in between when life is quiet and there is nothing keeping me from the movie spree in my living room. Except my best est friend to discuss the details with. It's not just the movies. It is all the things we could talk about, our feelings, our passions, music, life, family, art, people, lessons, work, school, our lives, our dreams, just hearing his voice leaving a message on my machine. I never knew how important he was in my life, now that I think he is gone. It doesn't really matter why we are not talking, it is the fact that we are not talking. Living at opposite ends of the state has something to do with it. I have never has a problem letting my friends go about their business and come back and give me an update. But there was something so final in the last time we said goodbye. Bon Jovi said "Never say goodbye." SIGH I guess I don't really, but I need to close this chapter, because many more are waiting in the wings. There are experiences and life just waiting til I stop being depressed and maniacal. There is the necessary mourning period for any friend that has been close to my heart. For most there is always the possibility of the door reopening. Hey, Mister, the same goes for him too! For some reason I can not fathom this one hurts more deeply than any other that has gone before.
It is true, I am good at making friends, but I think people forget that relationships take energy and we must work for all the things we have in our lives. I hope and pray I never took you for granted, and if I did I have more that repaid my debt with all the pain my heart has endured.
Where do we go from here? (Boys II Men) Can I have another Amen? (Fighting Temptations.) It is a death of sort to close tis chapter with the main character thinking it is all over, not really knowing the whole story but I doubt I'll ever be reading that script.
For Mr. Lee I bequeath a part of my heart always to love you no matter what, because I have tried to squeeze it out, but it refuses to go. As you are not currently not part of my life, I'm letting you go. (Do I really have a choice? Can you take more than one day at a time.... - 28 days) What I wish you is true love and true happiness in every day of your life. I just want to see you happy, even if I never see it with my own eyes. I hope you find what you are looking for. Where ever it is, I hope you find it. I will never forget you. I will always love you. There is always a place in my heart for you.
The thing that leaves me looking over my shoulder for that shadow that just moved... was it real? Did it real exist? Or was it all in my head? Our friendship? I did most of the talking. You did most of the listening. Did I not listen? What did I misunderstand? How did we get here? I guess I was wrong. (Always Wrong never right... I was born in the year of the chicken - Chorus Line) It is kind like when Michael J Fox goes back in time in Back to the Future and he realizes he changed some major time line that if he doesn't fix he will not exist. I guess that is the mourning of emotions I am dealing with. Except add a dash of those great oldies like "White Christmas" where you do it because you love someone. Everything is on the up and up, no Hank panky, just good old fashion respect for each other. You gotta wonder where it goes, when whatever it is we had is gone. Where does that go and how to I caught the next train there...
I love you, Mr. Lee. May the future you choose to bless you with happiness as well as success (because that is a given).
Taking BJ's advise and every old movie I have ever loved and for art sake: Until we meet again...

I have recently discovered how addicting eBay really is. I keep promising myself this is it... but then I have to go to give feed back and then I start to look around and OI! Next thing I know I'm bidding on something and then this competitive edge comes out and I'm like no - you can't have it - I want it! The two year old has arrived and I will bid! I will out bid you! (whoever the competition is...)

So am I a bid-aholic or a charm-aholic... My new addiction is the Italian Modular Charm Link Bracelets. I have definitely gone over my set spending limit and I'm still doing it... I find something and I want it. So I get it. I've rearranged my bills 3 times altogether, it first started with Christmas shopping and not realizing how close Christmas actually is. Some of what I am bidding on is Christmas. Some of it is not. I think I'm in the big 3 oh blues, only my best friend remembered by birthday with presents and though it is completely childish, I'm quite put out by the rest of my friends and family. Hey, I understand when money is tight. But then say you'll get your gift late or something other than letting it go by altogether.

Maybe I should take the high road on this one and let it go. But it has really been biting my heels. It has been 3 months since my birthday and I am PISSED off! I didn't want a party, I just wanted people to remember, give me a card and a stupid ice cream cake. Unfortunately, I do expect more from my family and I still forgive them for not getting me anything. Christmas is coming. SIGH .... heavy sigh ... I hate getting my hopes up. I think that is the main cause for my current addiction on eBay. It is instant gratification for what I want, wither i get it or i don't but I'm not relying on other people to get my gratification from.

I know in another 3 months I'll look back on this whole fiasco and laugh my ass off even though I'll be in debt up to my ears. (Course it happens every Christmas!)
Technically I only have 1 present left to buy; 10 to make and wrap them and I am all done.

What do three decades of living really say about any human being? 30. Hm mm. My birthday was a total let down. I didn't expect everyone one I know to just leave me a message at the tone and not get back to me. Of course I am writing about it 3 months later. When I was a little girl, I did not see myself here. Oh yeah I had unattainable goals, but I also had a few realistic dreams. Not that they aren't in the making, it is just they seem to be suspended.
Life keeps on turning, days keeping on moving, nights keep on floating past my subconsciousness. I just found my first paying (not as well as I'd hoped) career. I still have hoops to jump through to finish that career goal. I gave up on a dream, for a moment, to give something else a try. I found something I am good at. I said I'd give teaching 5 years. Maybe I will have learned my lesson.
Money. Could be better, could be worse. Not where I thought I'd be either. I didn't see myself rich, but not quite as poor as I am. I pay my bills. I am responsible. I want to know what extra money a month is like or an allowance that i get to spend any way i want. I want to know what it feels like to see something I want and not have to budget for 3 to 6 months to get it!
Friends. They are out there somewhere. I always had a bunch, but every time I go back to school my social life goes south. Nonexistent-land. Just getting reacquainted with myself after 3 months in HELL. I'm giving that one some time to evolve. (that reminds me I meant to buy Ani's CD)
Love. I thought I had something there for a moment when I was 29 and then it was gone by the time I reached 30. Hurt. I will survive. Somehow we all manage too! Will I do it again? Yeah, in a heart beat. Why do we continue to repeat the same behavior and expect different results every time? Maybe I should change something. I'm not really looking. Haven't had time, but then again the hopeless romantic in me will continue to shine a beacon into the darkness of space and wait a millenia to find its compliment. I believe in fairy tales still - he is out there. I also am a realist, he is human, makes mistakes, and we will balance, compliment each other when we do meet. Hasn't happened yet...
Home. I have one. Right now it looks like I have two hurricanes living as my roommates. Since vacation I have been attempting to create change and order into my apartment. It is slow, but it was neat when my life turned upside down. I am comfortable there. It needs some work. Remodeling is on the schedule with the landlord, so change is in sight. Good or bad we shall find out...
What else is there?
Happiness. There are many things I have learned about happiness. One is it is my responsibility and no one else's to make myself happy. I can allow people to make me feel happy, but only I can make myself happy. I have been a little stressed to the edge of my sanity sort of limit breaking personal evolution sort of experience. So I think one of my new priorities is to figure out what things make me happy and do one of them a day.
Sex. The first thing that comes to mind is a song in the movie A Chorus Line "...me and Paulette, we did it in a graveyard. First time we made love we were not a hit, I thought that this is it, every ones lying. Next time we made love... but then we did it again and I forgot to be scared I guess, cause when we did it again I closed my eyes - surprise. Suprise. Sur-pri-iise. Sweet icicle hot, sweet as a lemon pie, soaring across the sky into the ocean..."
ART - my love, my passion is on hold until i find my sanity, and it is coming to a home theater near me... I am not waiting until it comes out on DVD, I am preordering it to arrive any moment now.
School - almost over. An incomplete to go. 3 seminars. 3 tests. and a few other oddities and I hope paying for my education stops for a while. I will always be a life learner and it is a continual process of growth. When you stop - you die. So I am looking for the educational evolution to grow out of a building and into life, people, experiences not classrooms and tests and tuition payments. We shall see what god wants of me...

The Miser
Late turn of the century, early 1900's clothes. There is this man who is building some kind of project for this rich and powerful man. The customer never seems to have a name and his face is always blurred he wants the gallows built and there are rings at the top and heavy duty pulleys to suspend objects, all this out in the open deep into the woods on his estate. The builder is excited and is a handsome blond man with light blue shocking eyes and a magnificent body, busting out of his tailored suit. He exudes this happiness at his work and does it with the finest craftsmanship and without question builds these idiosyncratic edifices. This is the main reason this man is chosen. The work is in progress when I flip to the future...
These young teenage boys are playing video games and when the pizza deliver guy comes turn on the cable TV, to see what's on... the see a documentary on this mysterious miser that lived in there town. They were so engrossed they watched to whole program to figure out where his property extended so they could check it out. One of the guys so excited about this find called his girlfriend to see if she wanted in on the discovery. Her and her best friend answered and said they'd be over to watch. They got all gussed up in dresses and thought they'd be cuddling on the couch and eating pizza. Excited they walk over to the guy’s house the boyfriends were at. In the meantime the boys so excited over this documentary are grabbing maps of the city with the ones they printed out from the website via the show that was on and are juxtaposing the maps to find out where the man lived. They had this silly idea there was treasure because he was so rich and the inheritance was missing. They figured that was the real story behind the documentary. The girls arrive to empty pizza boxes and over hormonal teenage boys ready for the quest for treasure. The boys explain everything but then realized the girls were not dressed for digging. The plan was formulated. The boy who did not have a girlfriend was to take their girlfriends back to the one girls house they had called originally for a change of clothes and the missing supplies. Then met the other two boys on the land of this old estate, which has been divided up into parcels of land of a farmer, the judge, and a public park. The other pieces of the estate would be in some people’s backyards and the like.

Billy you’re my idol… Back to something I know. My life being turn upside, boy you turnin’ me inside out and round and round. I forgot how much music can invigorate the soul. My mamma don tol’ me, when I was in pigtails, hon, a man is a two face, he’ll give you the big eye and when his big talkin’s done…The Blues in the Night.
    Then movies, back to my books and feeding my brain, and I almost forgot about the people train. Am I distracting myself or just spending and little quality time…? A little stroll down memory lane… I remember all the musical moments in my life. One glorious hit tune after another. Does my life go platinum? Or am I hiding from the pa-pa-rot-si?

I’m burning up for your love… maybe I should be a vampire and suck it out of them or just walk out into the light of day. DAY – O. DAAAYYY –OOOOO Daylight come and I better drink-a-the-rum. Except I don’t like to wallow in my own pity, dislike hangovers (a development with old age), and really don’t need to take a depressant. I am depressed enough. The blues hits at night. I wear my sunglasses at night so I can so I can… watch you weave your story lies, hmmm. I’d quote weird Al except all I got is take an egg and BEAT IT!

Cooking channels are all the rage, kick it up a notch, BAM! Gotta love Emeril. Which reminds me of a Cosby show episode where Theo learns to carve the bird like so… Bill says after seeing his attempt to carve the turkey why didn’t Theo just take a cherry bomb and let the guests eat the turkey off the ceiling and floor. Bringing me back to my strange love, depressed thoughts and no amount of distractions working.

I escape into the SILENCE, which I was not enjoying forgive me Depeche Mode, but I found out I was not alone. Something deep in me, a spiritual ballad without words radiates from my long nights alone, tired and needing a little forgiveness… I will walk with you until clouds move away, I’ll walk with you… I’m the one who’s gonna help you see the light, I be right there… walk with you… each and every day.

Remember me, Lord, when you walk into your kingdom. From this retired disc jockey, who knows well there is a melody for every mood. A song in every person’s heart that must be sung and praised. There is a magic…called LIFE. There is Sweet Honey in the Rock. There is a moment captured in our mind with the help of a tune. A bump and grind, sexual healing – SATISFACTION kind of moment that can lead into an everlasting love that is simply unforgettable. Or the Sentimental Journey we take when we hear the sacred sounds melt those memories into the instrumental moments of our lives.

Let the music play …on…Duende.