“It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.� I lost again, my friend Shakespeare.
I seem to be a risk taker. Ripley’s give me a bumper sticker! Drum roll please. So much for women’s intuition. It is so amazing what a man in love with you can do for your sense of self-image! I did not mean to do it. An old friend came back to visit. I noticed some feelings, I didn’t understand and for six months I didn’t get it. He came back and then when he left I cried until my heart sank.
I made one of the hardest decisions on my life: to tell one of my best friends that I had more than friendship feelings for him. I felt I had betrayed our friendship. Somehow I knew that things would always be different. So I took a leap of faith. I told him straight out how I felt. I asked what he felt. I told him the straight out truth.
It’s been 5 months and no answer. I won’t get into the mixed messages and half-truths of this sorted mess. I won’t get into the I’m being punished with a deadly silence that shatters my soul. No, I’ve called with big news, little news, just to see how you are doing news, to the complete cold shoulder. If I knew this man at all, I would say safely that he is avoiding me because like all best friends I know way too much.
Just be real with me. That is what all my male friends tell me and when I take there advise and just tell the man how I feel I get – SILENCE. I’m starting to think Machiavelli had something. Girls have always told me that I am all wrong. Men don’t really want anything they ask for, they can’t handle it. I should play the game. But see then it isn’t about two people anymore it is about power. That is a dangerous bedside tool. I’ll stick to straight up – TRUTH.
I honestly don’t really think I have answers. I have to come to know that I didn’t really know my best friend at all. I wasn’t the most important person in his life. Or maybe I killed it. Either way, I deserve to know something. Not silence, from 4 to 5 calls a week and our weekly Saturday evening call. Boy was I gullible. Therefore if I lost something so precious it will hurt, and Sweet Jesus, it does! But I’m not really sure what I lost, because my best friend would never have done this to me. Et tu Brute! Or maybe he’s just spineless and better to know now than wait another ten years to discover it. Or was it just something I wanted to hear. Why couldn’t you just tell me the truth? Yes. No. It’s complicated. Anything besides this infernal silence. So, my friend, enjoy the silence…
So what moral do I have for you… well just another Shakespearian quote “To thine own self be true.� In the end, I can look myself in the mirror and have no regrets. I was honest. Spilled my guts. Told the truth. And took a risk not too many people think I am sane for, of course I never said I was sane, just myself. I got to know my real best friend; I just forgot to look in the mirror.
Love is out there! Somewhere… and too the lucky few who have the courage to go where most never dare to tread, may happiness find you every chance you get to find it!
Dimartiste's Journal
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10/16/2004 19:52 #21863
I lost again, my friend Shakespeare.09/13/2004 23:36 #21862
Mandan MemoryCategory: vignette
Somedays I wonder how this world works, you can be in the middle of a crisis and then it's over, kinda like a hurricane, one minute life is normal (whatever that means) and then BAM (kick it up a notch) and then back to normal life, except it's not all the same as it was before, something is different. Maybe it's me, or no maybe its you. Hell maybe it is us both.
SIGH " A Mandan elder told me, when you don't know what to do pray, not so much like a WWJD, but when there is nothing left to be done, do the one thing you can control yourself and give yourself to a higher power." Before I left this wise and weather faced man I had asked him is there something you would do now with all your knowledge that you didn't when you were my age. His eyes twinkled in the evening light as the air dropped degrees cooling the earth and the meal I just served. He rocked in his chair, looked at me and motioned for a light for his pipe. He smoked it and I sat there waiting for the answer and I began to discover something, it is good to take your time with things. I began to feel just his presence, the aromatic scent from the pipe, the night descending on the prairie, I was homesick and thinking of all that the people I missed meant to me. He cleared his throat and I had forgotten that he was even there or what I had asked him. He looked at me and said "Yes?" I was slightly puzzled coming back to the moment we shared and then it struck me like lightning the question I had already asked him, the words evaporated long ago, but he looked at me and said " When I was young and foolish, I wish I would have known the power of prayer, the way I do now. SO when life pulls you this way and that, pray. PRAY!" He took a long drag on his pipe. "If you never remember me, remember my words to you, child, Pray!"
SIGH " A Mandan elder told me, when you don't know what to do pray, not so much like a WWJD, but when there is nothing left to be done, do the one thing you can control yourself and give yourself to a higher power." Before I left this wise and weather faced man I had asked him is there something you would do now with all your knowledge that you didn't when you were my age. His eyes twinkled in the evening light as the air dropped degrees cooling the earth and the meal I just served. He rocked in his chair, looked at me and motioned for a light for his pipe. He smoked it and I sat there waiting for the answer and I began to discover something, it is good to take your time with things. I began to feel just his presence, the aromatic scent from the pipe, the night descending on the prairie, I was homesick and thinking of all that the people I missed meant to me. He cleared his throat and I had forgotten that he was even there or what I had asked him. He looked at me and said "Yes?" I was slightly puzzled coming back to the moment we shared and then it struck me like lightning the question I had already asked him, the words evaporated long ago, but he looked at me and said " When I was young and foolish, I wish I would have known the power of prayer, the way I do now. SO when life pulls you this way and that, pray. PRAY!" He took a long drag on his pipe. "If you never remember me, remember my words to you, child, Pray!"
08/16/2004 16:13 #21861
NonMatriculated StatusI just recently got accepted to a college I had gone to twice before, both for a Bachelor's and a Master's degree. I have decided to return to finish my requirements so that i may qualify under the regulations of NY State for Certification. It has been a technologically challenging day with some interesting results. I am officially registered and enrolled in classes which took me all day to do! Well, know i know and knowing is half the battle!
I just signed up for health insurance because the schools is more than i can afford. I get my packet this week. I have an appointment for the end of the month and get that ball rolling.
I am in the process of writing a grant proposal for finacial aid so that i can pay for this wonderful opportunity to return to school for the pursuit of continuing my higher education. But for that information has changed and I'll have to come down to the office and start all over again. There is a new application process. *sigh*
I am in the process of Filling out the FAFSA forms online! Getting a PIN. Everything is computer oriented! It is helpful when you are doing things down to the wire. It is still stressful, maybe it is because you have to be even more organized than was previously expected.
Of course you get one thing completed and two more things get added to the list from the last phone call. I have to call my banks and make sure my loans stay in deferment so that i do not default. I know there are so many Buffalonians that do this with me, but it never stops the fact that it has to be done and if you don't you screw up your credit for a long long long time!
My list just keeps getting longer and longer... does this mean I am accomplishing anything or just trying to catch my non-existant tail in time!
I just signed up for health insurance because the schools is more than i can afford. I get my packet this week. I have an appointment for the end of the month and get that ball rolling.
I am in the process of writing a grant proposal for finacial aid so that i can pay for this wonderful opportunity to return to school for the pursuit of continuing my higher education. But for that information has changed and I'll have to come down to the office and start all over again. There is a new application process. *sigh*
I am in the process of Filling out the FAFSA forms online! Getting a PIN. Everything is computer oriented! It is helpful when you are doing things down to the wire. It is still stressful, maybe it is because you have to be even more organized than was previously expected.
Of course you get one thing completed and two more things get added to the list from the last phone call. I have to call my banks and make sure my loans stay in deferment so that i do not default. I know there are so many Buffalonians that do this with me, but it never stops the fact that it has to be done and if you don't you screw up your credit for a long long long time!
My list just keeps getting longer and longer... does this mean I am accomplishing anything or just trying to catch my non-existant tail in time!
08/06/2004 19:25 #21860
New Friend shows his true colors...I recently met a very cool person that I thought I was going to enjoy getting to know when I had gone camping...
The night I had first gotten home a message blinked on my answering machine (41 messages later - yes I told everyone I was going camping and they still called - your guess is as good as mine) Message number 42 "Hey, just wanted to check and see if you made it home ok, give me a call when you get in just to keep in touch..." I was quite touched and genuinely impressed. Returned his call and we talked about coming home and getting resettled from camping.
A couple days later there was a message "Hey - it's me, call me... Talk to you later..." I got in around 11pm and called... it was a good conversation. We talked about our days, talked about how camping was for us both, shared stories and strange adventures we had had during vacation seperately. I was getting sleepy and I had to go to sleep.
Three or four days later there was another message "Hey, just checking to see how you are doin? Give me a buzz when you can..." I called him back a couple of days later because work has been getting really buzy... I, then for Pollyanic reasons, spent the next three hours of one of the shitty days of my life on the phone with someone that was rude, pushy, arguementative, crude, opinionated without cause, assuming things about me without confirmation or asking me any questions, arrogant, I know what's best for you, then out of the blue "Hey I'm going to take a risk - you wanna go out, date or something?" I was shocked and had no idea this was coming, took a deep breath and opted for the TRUTH "Here's the whole truth, I have to work on my financial stability because I am going to be ending my job in a coupl of weeks. I need to focus all my attention on the rest of my work load and finding a job. I really need to put my personal, social and romantic life on hold right now... I do not know how to answer you... My answer is I don't know." I did not really know him that well, we met three weeks ago... what the hell do i know about him. I am not attracted to him immediately. When we first met in person there was soemthing a click, an understanding, a connection, but i have no idea what it was... "He was like ok. I can deal with that you didn't shoot me down... but you didn't say yes either" By the end of the phone call he had told me that we were going to have sex, what he was going to do to me (I was like are you finished? Do I need to let you go and take care of yourself, because I am not interested in this line of conversation, nor do i want to be present.) He then switched the subject but must have gone astray with his thoughts and ended up ejaculating anyways...
I really just got to the point where I am like - DUDE! If this is some kind of test you just put me through - he's like yeah it was and you passed. Well what he did not understand is how it was making me feel and that it was killing any chances of us ever getting together... He didn't want to get off the phone and he was falling alseep so the converation was ending anyways... I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep right away... I finally convinced myself I deal with it in the morning... I had nightmares all night... Woke up with this huge gigantic headache that quickly moved into a migraine... I was so angry by the time I actually had the chance to sit down and figure out what was bugging me...
Every little while I was remembering things he said for instance "You will call me tomorrow." I replied "No, I am not." He's like "We shall see..." I replied "Don't hold your breath, i've got work to do and need to get it done not spending my only time to relax being tested." I kept thinkg about how i answered and kept coming up with wittier nasty remarks...
Then it hit me, I really don't like him. Not at a
ll
. I then wrote a journal entry of pro's and con's as to if i should even consider dating him... I came up with 2 positives and 50+ negatives.
I am truely agonized though... what is the real him? Is it worth my time to figure it out? Should I call a friend in common and ask a few non revealing questions? Should I call friend in commmon and just plain tell friend in common everything and ask for advise?
I then asked my gut. My gut yelled NO! I'm like no what? NO he is not for you. Now I know.
Then I went through the what ifs and was mad at myself for not knowing when he first asked... Well, now i have the answer to his question. He said at the end of the conversation that he still wanted to be friends, even after I told him i did not appreciate talking about subjects i told him i wanted to not talk about and wastd 3 hours having conversation about nothing that interested me...
Next conundrum: What do I do with what i know? Do I tell him and give him a chance to discuss his actions to see if there is a friendship to salvage? Run and never look back. Wait until he calls. Do a Scarlet O'Hara and worry about it another day? Or just let it go as it is?
The night I had first gotten home a message blinked on my answering machine (41 messages later - yes I told everyone I was going camping and they still called - your guess is as good as mine) Message number 42 "Hey, just wanted to check and see if you made it home ok, give me a call when you get in just to keep in touch..." I was quite touched and genuinely impressed. Returned his call and we talked about coming home and getting resettled from camping.
A couple days later there was a message "Hey - it's me, call me... Talk to you later..." I got in around 11pm and called... it was a good conversation. We talked about our days, talked about how camping was for us both, shared stories and strange adventures we had had during vacation seperately. I was getting sleepy and I had to go to sleep.
Three or four days later there was another message "Hey, just checking to see how you are doin? Give me a buzz when you can..." I called him back a couple of days later because work has been getting really buzy... I, then for Pollyanic reasons, spent the next three hours of one of the shitty days of my life on the phone with someone that was rude, pushy, arguementative, crude, opinionated without cause, assuming things about me without confirmation or asking me any questions, arrogant, I know what's best for you, then out of the blue "Hey I'm going to take a risk - you wanna go out, date or something?" I was shocked and had no idea this was coming, took a deep breath and opted for the TRUTH "Here's the whole truth, I have to work on my financial stability because I am going to be ending my job in a coupl of weeks. I need to focus all my attention on the rest of my work load and finding a job. I really need to put my personal, social and romantic life on hold right now... I do not know how to answer you... My answer is I don't know." I did not really know him that well, we met three weeks ago... what the hell do i know about him. I am not attracted to him immediately. When we first met in person there was soemthing a click, an understanding, a connection, but i have no idea what it was... "He was like ok. I can deal with that you didn't shoot me down... but you didn't say yes either" By the end of the phone call he had told me that we were going to have sex, what he was going to do to me (I was like are you finished? Do I need to let you go and take care of yourself, because I am not interested in this line of conversation, nor do i want to be present.) He then switched the subject but must have gone astray with his thoughts and ended up ejaculating anyways...
I really just got to the point where I am like - DUDE! If this is some kind of test you just put me through - he's like yeah it was and you passed. Well what he did not understand is how it was making me feel and that it was killing any chances of us ever getting together... He didn't want to get off the phone and he was falling alseep so the converation was ending anyways... I was so freaked out I couldn't sleep right away... I finally convinced myself I deal with it in the morning... I had nightmares all night... Woke up with this huge gigantic headache that quickly moved into a migraine... I was so angry by the time I actually had the chance to sit down and figure out what was bugging me...
Every little while I was remembering things he said for instance "You will call me tomorrow." I replied "No, I am not." He's like "We shall see..." I replied "Don't hold your breath, i've got work to do and need to get it done not spending my only time to relax being tested." I kept thinkg about how i answered and kept coming up with wittier nasty remarks...
Then it hit me, I really don't like him. Not at a
ll
. I then wrote a journal entry of pro's and con's as to if i should even consider dating him... I came up with 2 positives and 50+ negatives.
I am truely agonized though... what is the real him? Is it worth my time to figure it out? Should I call a friend in common and ask a few non revealing questions? Should I call friend in commmon and just plain tell friend in common everything and ask for advise?
I then asked my gut. My gut yelled NO! I'm like no what? NO he is not for you. Now I know.
Then I went through the what ifs and was mad at myself for not knowing when he first asked... Well, now i have the answer to his question. He said at the end of the conversation that he still wanted to be friends, even after I told him i did not appreciate talking about subjects i told him i wanted to not talk about and wastd 3 hours having conversation about nothing that interested me...
Next conundrum: What do I do with what i know? Do I tell him and give him a chance to discuss his actions to see if there is a friendship to salvage? Run and never look back. Wait until he calls. Do a Scarlet O'Hara and worry about it another day? Or just let it go as it is?
08/03/2004 15:53 #21859
Employment BluesWhen I was a little girl, I was told I could do anything I wanted to do; only my imagination was the only thing to keep me from making those dreams come true.
Now I am an adult, for all intents and purposes, with an education and no career. I ask myself pretty regularly what I missed in my education as to why I am not fiscally successful. Am I too honest for my own good? If I with hold information on my employment applications, I could loose my employment via not telling the whole truth. Yet if I tell the whole truth I can go to 50+ interviews and politely be smiled at and thanked for my time, but we are sorry to inform you that you are over qualified for the position available at this time. What am I doing wrong?
My family keeps telling me everything is political. It is about who you know? Not what you know? Then what is stopping my previous drug dealing ideal minded students from actually doing whatever it is they think is right? So if I believe this then right and wrong is dependant on lineage and not ethics.
My friends keep telling me that the system is skewed... I put too much of myself in my work. That my best for someone else does not serve my best interest in obtaining and maintaining gainful employment worthy of my education.
It is true I have some choices, but I keep asking why is it more difficult for some and less difficult for others. Astrologically speaking I would think I was born at the wrong time or place. Philosophically I might think that it is paying off a previous karmic debt, or maybe balancing the universal energies our society deems unimportant, natural law.
I suppose it does not really matter what I choose because life will continue on, the sun will rise and shine (or hide behind rain clouds), but it will be there nonetheless... And this too shall pass. I guess it is the journey that matters the most, but would a little financial success hurt the Grande schema?
I am so tired of working for people who use me and my work ethic to the betterment of themselves. I obviously have missed out on how to be greedy or something that I seem to not know what it is. One of my bosses very confidently told me that I know everything I need to be successful. Except when I asked my boss, then how come I am not? It isn't for a lack of trying. My boss said do not worry I know what it is you know and you will be successful. OK. Besides that this boss used me mercilessly for their own needs at cheap labor almost free labor, I still think this WILL BE is not helping me in the PRESENT, where I currently live.
Success is a state of mind. I am successful and talented in many ways. I just seem to have some difficulty with employment. Is it a fear? What is the fear? What social conditioning did I buy into that keeps holding me back? Do I sabotage myself? What is so daunting about getting a new job? What is so frightening about a new career?
Maybe it is just CHANGE. Spare change. Hmmm.changes. Why do we call extra coinage, spare change? Why are most human beings af
ra
id of change? The unknown. Wouldn't that be preferable to what we do know?
Now I am an adult, for all intents and purposes, with an education and no career. I ask myself pretty regularly what I missed in my education as to why I am not fiscally successful. Am I too honest for my own good? If I with hold information on my employment applications, I could loose my employment via not telling the whole truth. Yet if I tell the whole truth I can go to 50+ interviews and politely be smiled at and thanked for my time, but we are sorry to inform you that you are over qualified for the position available at this time. What am I doing wrong?
My family keeps telling me everything is political. It is about who you know? Not what you know? Then what is stopping my previous drug dealing ideal minded students from actually doing whatever it is they think is right? So if I believe this then right and wrong is dependant on lineage and not ethics.
My friends keep telling me that the system is skewed... I put too much of myself in my work. That my best for someone else does not serve my best interest in obtaining and maintaining gainful employment worthy of my education.
It is true I have some choices, but I keep asking why is it more difficult for some and less difficult for others. Astrologically speaking I would think I was born at the wrong time or place. Philosophically I might think that it is paying off a previous karmic debt, or maybe balancing the universal energies our society deems unimportant, natural law.
- SIGH* I am still faced with the welfare line... I do not care how optimistic one is if you have been in this line at least once you have an understanding of human depravity and hopelessness! Then on the other hand I could go back to school, something I know and do well at. Which could feed the possibility of a new career with just a few missing pieces of my education and be in line for a teaching career...
I suppose it does not really matter what I choose because life will continue on, the sun will rise and shine (or hide behind rain clouds), but it will be there nonetheless... And this too shall pass. I guess it is the journey that matters the most, but would a little financial success hurt the Grande schema?
I am so tired of working for people who use me and my work ethic to the betterment of themselves. I obviously have missed out on how to be greedy or something that I seem to not know what it is. One of my bosses very confidently told me that I know everything I need to be successful. Except when I asked my boss, then how come I am not? It isn't for a lack of trying. My boss said do not worry I know what it is you know and you will be successful. OK. Besides that this boss used me mercilessly for their own needs at cheap labor almost free labor, I still think this WILL BE is not helping me in the PRESENT, where I currently live.
Success is a state of mind. I am successful and talented in many ways. I just seem to have some difficulty with employment. Is it a fear? What is the fear? What social conditioning did I buy into that keeps holding me back? Do I sabotage myself? What is so daunting about getting a new job? What is so frightening about a new career?
Maybe it is just CHANGE. Spare change. Hmmm.changes. Why do we call extra coinage, spare change? Why are most human beings af
ra
id of change? The unknown. Wouldn't that be preferable to what we do know?