This morning I took a TV break and watched an Charmed and ER for my daytime drama.
Death a pervasive theme in both shows. I had a good friend on my mom's pass in September. (Happy birthday!) Then another unexpected fast and close friend in October. Which is bad because that is the anniversary of my grandmothers death. Didn't really have time to grieve, but then I realized I have another issue on my plate, i try not to think about.
My father has a terminal disease that could take his life at any moment and he could also live 20 or 30 more years. He could have died a year and half ago. I won't ever be ready for it! My dad and I are very alike. I'm the miniature female version of my dad. We argue a lot! We disagree a lot. I'll never really make him proud, and i don't really know why... but I know I love him! I guess he really loves me too! I watch him have good days and bad days. I watch him slowly losing his independence and know it has got to be killing him. He's rude, obnoxious and mean which hurts but it is all because life is just a gamble right now. There are no certainties, there are no guarantees only the moment you have right now. Some of them are fun, some of them are work, some of them are contentment. Some days I get so mad at him. Then I think how would you be dealing with it? Probably different. :) Or at least I'd like to think so.
There is no advise. There is nothing but life to live. Everyday brings it's highs and lows, it's sadness and happiness. I am grateful he is still here. There are little things that if I were younger it might make more sense to be upset over. There is a little girl still inside of me that wants my daddy to give me away at my wedding. I want him to see my first child being born. I want him there for his grandchildren. I want them to know him and his feisty ways. I want him to help me buy my first house. My first brand new car. My first really great job. I want him to be there to see my accomplishments and to give him the opportunity to be proud of me.
I watched my grandfather, my dad's dad, fight cancer most of my life until his death in the early 90's. It really hit my dad. I'm not his son, but it is something I have to deal with everyday. I check on him when he sleeps, just to see if he's breathing. If he catches me he yells at me thinking I'm a freak and let him alone.
There are constant doctor visits, emergency room visits, hospital visits, pains, aches, procedures, surgeries, blood work, tests, medications and it seems like he didn't get a great deal on his retirement plan this life. He talks about the Golden Years once and a while, I find out something new. A new story from his childhood, something about my grandparents or even my great grandparents, some job i never knew he worked, some place I never knew he had traveled too, sometimes he'll talk about his service to his country - not often, but sometimes. I learn about relative and people I have never met that were in his life and that made a difference for him.
It is hard to make up for lost time. It is hard to balance the anger. It is hard to learn how to be myself around him, because he doesn't have another 50 years for me to get it right. I guess it is just really hard. To be yourself, live each day to the fullest, forgive yourself for all the things you never got to do or had time for, and just enjoy the things you do have.
My mind ventures of to the tune Cat's in the Cradle...

Well after surviving everything my semester has dished at me, I have finally succumbed to another being on of small stature and living inside my body uninvited, a virus. I am officially sick, got it stamped and bonified certified from the authentic primary care physician. I am to do nothing. Sleep. Push my fluids. Take prescripted medicine as directed and do nothing. If anyone knows me, they no that doing nothing is not something I do well for any length of time. I did try to catch up on my lack of sleep for the last three months, but I am not sure it is physically possible to do in one weekend. I am attempting not to push and when I feel the signs I take a nap, lay down, surf the net, stare at the ceiling, wonder if my head will explode if it continues to pound. At some points I just submerge myself into my symptoms. Chills, low grade fever, diarreah, nausea, dry heaves, my eyes feel like sandpaper, my head feels like there is an axe chomping into my skull, my body feels like the Oreint Express hit me at full speed with every joint in my body aching loudly competing for the attention my brain can not fathom, and overall i just feel drunk clutsy, and in sever pain. I think that about covers it.
The only thing I do like is being able to sit and watch movies, although my parents have asserted themselves and I am staying with them at the moment therefore they make sure i eat. I am infamous for neglecting my dietary needs especially when i am sick. I guess i just want to be well enough to do a little bit more than nothing... sick, sick, sick and twisted sister! Although I couldn't handle listening to rock and roll / heavy metal at the moment... even toggling is beginning to hurt my head - oh - look at the time, soon and very soon it's medication time and that means food and magic faery dust and the headache goes away.
I think i am almost done pondering being sick, oh yeah, I got an invite to an artistic performance in my neighborhood walking distance from my house and I was so psyched at 4 am when I read it, then realized I am home sick and I am not going. That was the thing that bummed me out. I should post the event on the calendar though it will be late notice as it starts in like 2 hours.

When I was a child I was always dependable, solid, reliable and always available. I grew up to be one of the only one of my friends to always be there, same place, same time, same neighborhood, same me. I went to college to discovery myself, weird but true, I wanted to know what I was capable of. I began to crave independence like any child who has stayed too long in their parent's abode. I moved out, a story in and of itself for another time. Changes. I began to discovery exactly what I was capable of... I began to travel father from home. My friends moved out of the state. Farther and farther away I began to travel to see loved ones. Then one of my circle of friends had a different vision for me and I traveled through 13 states to get to North Dakota. Granted it was only a month, but it started to boil within me the need to get up and go. I tasted what is was like to find freedom on the wind. Nature called me to her. I craved home. Not the home that was familiar, not the home I knew, not the home I grew up in; but a different home. A home where I did not need a house, running water, heat, things to fill the spaces, but a home within myself to be at home where ever I was. I shed the materialistic part of me, learned to travel light, the hardest lesson was letting go of the idea I needed any of the materialistic things I owed, had, possessed, shared, toOK care of. All I needed was me. Some food, lots of water, a minimal amount of clothes and shelter from harsh elements. I discovered I love to camp.
I may never return to the badlands or the reservation that I had lived on for a month, which felt like an entire lifetime. Drums distantly calling me to dance, to feel, to live, to love, to hurt, to experience. It is not where I learned to pray, it is where I learned that every day was a prayer. Life is a blessing and a gift that becomes unseen once it is unwrapped. You can't hold it, you can't contain it, it is that which you can't see but you feel deep inside yourself.
I returned home. Homesick. At the time to a partner who missed me terribly and spent days making love. Happy. Free. at least it existed in that moment. Then change reared its head again and I buckled down to many jobs, moving, losing my relationship, finishing school, losing some friends, meeting new friends and going home. Thomas Wolf is right you can never go back home. My dad is sick and has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, that in and of itself was enough, but what is my role in all of this... I came home to help, share, spend time with my family. Is there anything else? Really?
Two years ago a friend asked me to take 3 weeks vacation with her and go camping. I did. More stories for another time. In the end I have realized that there is gypsy blood coursing through my veins, the same blood that lives in my dad. This blood that wants to go home, follow the wind, hear nature call and go. My dad for whatever reason left home to sail around the world. He did that younger than I am now, but times were different. My mom is the steady one. It is my dad that has the fire that boiled the blood and encouraged him to move wherever the currents took him.
For the first time in my life I have learned I can sleep just about anywhere, as long as I can clean myself once a week, eat somewhat regularly and be - it will all be ok. That is not where I came from, but then again it is what is within us all that really matters. I now understand something I read about the Australian Aborigines about the Dream time. This state we call waking is only a thought to our real lives where we are who we are and fulfill our quest. This state we call consciousness is really where we lug around only half aware of the magic and music of all things. To dream, to live, to dance and to pray and to be home in our temples.

Christmas break has been a life saver. I have finally slowed down and have managed to do nothing for several days now! I really should go home and get something done. I've been hiding in my parents guest bedroom. It is a good place to hide. Nobody believes that I'd go there to hide. Plain sight kind of hiding.

I was thinking about the last 3 months and all of the changes it has brought to my life. I don't really think I have had time to process what I have lived. Time is really precious. I think I have taken it for granted. Busy is one thing. Simply maniacal is another.

I like change. It is good. I was reading my emails which seriously pile up over the week and a friend from out of state IM'ed me. It is exactly what I needed. That conversation really cheered me up. I feel good, but it is like i waited all day for it.

Silly me. Now that I turned my internal engine off I am having trouble getting it to start again. I think I need to go back to journaling daily with pen and paper. Get the juices flowing. There are so many things I have been putting on hold, developing ideas for projects, stories, new artwork, poems that haven't been written yet, philosophies on life, thoughts I haven't heard, dreams I have forgotten to ponder, feelings I have ignored, things that are really important to me, life lessons, staying organized, shopping, comic books to read, books to discover myself in, music to sing and dance too. I have so much waiting for me to do, things that I love doing, how did I forget to take a break!?

How does one learn to be a workaholic in a healthy lifestyle? If I practiced the answer I would be a millionaire and people would be coming to me for answers. Maybe I should just stick to asking questions. I like questions. I like learning new things. Like what do I want to be when I grow up?

I don't plan on ever growing up. I like being me. I'm not sure of this illusion of becoming a responsible adult. The grass is always greener on the other side. Here is the rest of the story: and when you get to the other side the grass is greener from whence you came. Therefore the moral of the story is all that glitters, glitters and are you smart enough to enjoy your bling bling where you are?

Enjoy each day for the gift it has been given to you, that is my current challenge.

It is a gift that keeps on giving that does no one any good.
How is it when your parents ask something of you, you as the child are not allowed to say no. I guess the real issue is a battle of wills. If I win, I feel terribly guilty for not doing what I was asked to do. Yet, if I given in, depending on the issue will depend on the resentment I have for myself. This here is a delicate balance between self preservation and respect for your elders.
It is not about what is asked, being the real issue. It is typically stating that I would prefer to _______. They state we are or I am and ______. Again filling in the blank isn't the real issue. Instead it is the issue of will. What am I willing to give up in order to do and what am I getting in return. Most of these issues blow over after said errand, or task is completed with or without me. Yet I am still racked with guilt either way. So now I feel like a sod for not going on said errand. I wanted to do something else. Of course the weather is bad and parent insisted on going out in it. The car is not in good condition and the rental has not arrived yet. So the preverbial worrywart is at her station - me. So now i feel the need to worry until she gets back, because what if_____. Then it is all my fault. Yet it is really only a matter of will. Her will led her to decided, and go. My will forced me to stay and wait. Yet I am not doing what I wanted to do while I waited. Maybe the other assumption parents make is that you will do it no matter what you just stated to the opposite.
This Christmas is just never had it's equal. None of us want to do anything. We feel tired and out of sorts. Everyone is grumpy, moody and acting childish. I am no different than the rest of my family. Then as for everyone else who is in a good mood, why do they expect me or the grumpy part of my family to be any different. Hell, last year I was kicked out of the house i was invited to for dinner do to too many people showing up. It made for a shitty Christmas afternoon and evening. I really don't have much energy to celebrate. I don't even want to go to church. Of course that will depend on the car. What is with me? Or everyone around me? Why are we so gloomy?
We have lost one too many family members and the family is shrinking and the times are changing and though change is good sometimes it takes awhile before you can settle into it.