I mean what the fuck.

So I have all this shit to do and I have to go and pass out again. I'd feel better if I really passed out, but no. Damnit.

It's just that I'm legitimately tired, and that's just god awful. Sure, I'm up now, but I feel like passing out again. I won't be on the ball which again, fuck me.

What's one day right. Bastard. I'm just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

um.

I'm going to sleep. Before I break my computer.

Damnit.

It's true. We're talking inches here. It's a long story but basically a long steel rod came whipping at my neck. If it would have hit my skull, I might be dead now.

Why am I okay with the fact that it didn't hit my skull? I mean, some people would completely look at their lives differently.

Me?

I just knew it wouldn't have hit my skull for some reason. I really just know that.

Very strange but it all makes so much sense sometimes.

I was about two drinks away from absurdity when I decided to leave the bar. Walking home, I pass by two sketchy characters that I know I’ve seen before but cannot place their faces. I’m walking at a pace twice their speed and only look back to see who they really are. When I recognize them, I keep pace and head for home to take a leak.
    “Nothing is left up to fate,” says the smaller one to the other. “Everything happens for a reason.”
    My pace slows to a walk for once and I try to overhear more. I can’t. I am already out of range. I look and see that my apartment is five houses away. I have to take a leak. But it’s garbage day tomorrow so before I relieve myself I must relieve the loaded can. As I push the can towards the street, the characters walk by again, still talking about nothing they’ll ever figure out.
    Should I.
    I should.
    “It doesn’t make sense,” I say to the smaller of the two. “You cannot have things happen for a reason with no fate. It doesn’t work like that.”
    “Excuse me?” says the shorter of the two.
    “I over heard you, but you’re wrong,” I say.
    “No, no, no.” And to his friend he says, “See this is what I’m talking about.” He then looks at me. “You misunderstood. Everything happens for a reason. Let’s say for example,” and he holds out his right hand like a gun, and points it at me and pokes it into my chest. “I was to shoot you in the heart.” There’s a brief silence and I feel each breath of mine leave my body.
“BLAM!” he shouts. “Okay?”
    “Okay,” I say. Barely.
    “And you fall on the ground dead,” and he takes his hand away.
    “Okay,” I say.
    “Well see . . . there’s a reason you’re on the ground.”
    “Well sure,” I say. “In the Newtonian sense of the word sure, cause and effect, sure.”
    “You’re on the ground,” he says. “Dead. Because of me. I did that to you.”
    “But no, I mean yes, okay,” I say.
    His friend looks at me with glasses on his face, an eight day old beard, and clothes that clearly belonged to someone else at one point, and asks, “It’s hard to understand isn’t it?”
    “No,” I say. “No it’s not hard to understand. See the thing is that you can’t say that things happen for a reason without fate. If there is no fate, things don’t happen for a reason. If there is no reason for things well then, there would be nothing but absurdity.”
    “We only have absurdity.”
    “YES. We do,” I say. “Or it could be that we simply do not know our own fate.”
    “No,” he says. “You just don’t know yours.”

Death can wait, I have bigger issues right now.

OKAY! So I have a job opportunity for anyone who's interested.

I am looking for someone to help me out. I am writing a book entitled DROWNING HERMEY, based upon my time as a toy designer at Fisher-Price. What I am looking for specifically, is someone or a couple of people, who are somewhat well-read, or at least enjoy reading, who'd like to read (so far) about 15 short chapters and let me know what you think. To be honest, I'll take anyone's thoughts, although I am really looking for the female viewpoint (to let me know if it's one of those "guys" books like a Fight Club) because as of now, I only have guys reading it. This is not to say that I wouldn't mind another guy checking this out. I just need feedback.

The story is about Tom Banaulski - a toy designer who hates his job so much that he has picked a fight with absurdity. It's not merely a will he quit, or not scenario, but rather, can he find some justification in his existance.

That sounds heady, but it's funny, being about toy designers and all.

Anyway, the pay, um, yeah, we can figure something out. Coffee, food, a few bucks perhaps (being an aspiring writer is not profitable). But basically, you'll be able to have your hand in a book that will most likely be published, hopefully, okay well I'm banking on it.

SO if any one is interested, there's not much to read and it's a good story from what I've been told, let me know via email or on estrip.

I thank you.

So I just watched bjork's Dancer in the Dark. Being a huge fan of musicals simply because as she says in the movie, "Nothing dreadful ever happens in a musical," I loved the music, the shots, the choreography. But the story. Talk about a lesson in empathy . . . I felt sick at the end and then remembered to breath. That's a great thing.

Then it got me thinking about death again and the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns.

So now, as I once again walk on the railroad tracks that separate an absurd existence from a life worth living, high above the valley below, whilst others frolic in the stream and don't bother to look up, I have to keep my balance. This is why I had practiced so much when I was a kid on the Moodna Viaduct back home. I now realize this.

That's better. He's a lot cuter than I am (referencing previous userpic)

I have to say, it's good to hear from y'all in these wee hours.

the morning will come either way, so might as well . . .

But as Dylan says, do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light. It works literally too.

night all.

Okay, so I've been wondering. I'm up every night until about, well late or early depending on the glass half full/ half empty perspective. It seems the best time for me to get something accomplished. And maybe there's a bent appeal of typing away, on the verge of discovering something great whilst the world sleeps.

But I suppose my question is, of the (e:peeps) out there, does anyone else find the night a comforting time to stay awake and do what you want to do? Is anyone awake because they want to prolong the coming of the morning, and another day disappearing? Now that I think about it, maybe that's it. Sure it's great to work at night, the sullenness is truly beautiful (although I could stand to live in an apartment 18 or so stories up looking over the skyline of Manhattan, but one has to make due), and yet maybe it's just me trying desperately to use time to its fullest. Maybe I'm attempting to disparage the hold time has. Hmm.

Anyone else know where I'm coming from, or should I just go to bed.

Oh crap, deadlines. Deadlines keep me up too.

Does anyone else get affected by the moon in its current state? I'll just say it. If something absurd and irrational happens, I blame not meself, but the moon.

But usually it happens the other way. It seems that when I'm unaware of the moon in its fullest state, the most bizarre but comprehendible things happen. In essence, I lose my mind briefly. When I know of it, nothing much happens. It's unfortunate because honestly, who doesn't like dabbling in oddity every now and then.

I painted a sunset yesterday. It sounds poetic, but really I painted a sunset for a backdrop for Annie Get Your Gun going up at the Lancaster Opera House in two weeks. Frank and Annie have to walk into the sunset at the end of the show, so that's where I come in. It was draining in so many ways, but I think subconsciously, I was taken aback by the ultimate desire to ride off into a sunset with someone besides my motorcycle (which is not in any way a bad second choice). There's a lot of pressure there. Imagine, creating a sunset out of your head, in a painting form, with a sun three feet wide. Your dreams coming through a brush onto a canvas for everyone else to see. I was spent after painting it. I was hoping it would turn out to be cathartic, but no, it was slightly depressing. I just painted and my idea of perfection came out. Unfortunately the realistic version of what I see as perfect is never as perfect as what I've seen or imagined, so what does that say? Is it merely acquiescence once again my friends? To love something so much, your physical interpretation of it makes you weak. I suppose I'm not ready to truly see, but a slight peak would be a good, good thing. Like Dylan, I think the answer for most things lies within the retiring of the sun.

On a slightly different note, kind of related, but not really so not related in the everything-is-connected sense, Robin, there was a joke I heard a while ago on the radio. It was St. Peter in Purgatory, separating people. "Christians please over here, and Jews on that side," St.Peter said holding his clipboard. He then looked at the Christians and said, "Oh and by the way, the Jews were right."

I love that. No I'm not Jewish, and I am a Christian. What I'd really like to be is Native American, but it's just not in the cards for a Polish/Lithuanian boy from the Hudson Valley.

Has anyone seen Donnie Darko? Well whaddja think. I mean about it all.

c'est ca.

When faced with the absurd decision to go to sleep or not, I find myself wondering that of those extra two hours of reading, writing or sleeping, which one would be more beneficial to my existance.

Or should I say fuck it, and watch another movie.

Camus says that there is only one real philosophical question, and that is of course suicide, BUT I think there is another - time. How do you spend it? Do you feel obligated in anyway to spend it a certain way? Does it come naturally? Does time stop - YES - there, it does.

The time you think you have is only the time you let yourself have. If you run out of it, it's only because of another priority in your life. I think we should all experiment with time and mess it up for once. Then we'll see who has the apathy.

On a side note, my horoscope said that I should be akin to Charles Bukowski (if you don't know just ask me), and then said HA, April fools! like an asshole. It said something to the effect of, as if you were going to be a self inflicted melancholy debauched writer . . . well what happens when you are? This just goes to show that when people make jokes, their seriousness is unvailed. We mean what we say, but we don't know if we know what we mean.

Now of course the decision, read the bible or Suttree by McCormac? We've all been there.

Wilco, the indigo girls, Dan Bern, and Lucinda Williams, would play on my soundtrack. You?

So wow . . . I met a lot of (e:peeps) tonight and I am a better person for it. It was a very intriguing night which started off with TK calling Rachel from my phone (sorry Rachel), then moving into an existential talk about why we do things, and how lucky TK is for being so goddamn smooth. Check that, there is no luck. Any luck you acquire is simply a part of the plan, if you believe of course in said plan.

Anyway, with hand rolled cigarettes, we journied outside to further my talk about nihilism and the benefits of it, save morality. But I have to say that it's easier to talk about nihilism, than to do it. Me? The guilt is too much for me. And so I will remain my starting self with no hopes of ever finishing. That might be between me and me.

After I left, feeling great and rejuvinated that I can place a face to the names of Lilho, Tina, and Terry, I headed to get a slice of pizza of course. This is no euphamism people, as much as I would love it to be. Well I saw an add for a artist model that was needed, and now I ask you, do you think that my stickboy self, all skinny and nerdy, could grab a couple of bucks standing still every Wednesday? I did it in college why not now, right? The tattoos might be a problem or a benefit depending on which side of the drawing pad you are on.

Paul, I think you've made me catch the tattoo bug again. I love them and the entire process. If you need any advice, just ask. Make it black and something that you will look at and will make you think. This should be everything in life people. Everything should make you think.
Especially these movies,

Donnie Darko
Magnolia
Hurly Burly
13 Conversations About One Thing
Glen Garry Glenross
and of course Requiem for a fucking Dream
(that is not for the faint of heart)

God speed gents and ladies. I will see you soon certainly. And Lilho, even though I was adamant about the opposite, we can truly be friends. Although I warn all of you, Blest are those whose blood and judgements ar so well commingled that they are not a pipe for fortune's finger to sound what stop she please. Give me that man who is not passion's slave and I shall hold in my heart's core.

I am passion's slave and I apologize not for that. Good night all.