Journaling on estrip is free and easy. get started today

Start Date 2009-06-23 16:26:43 |Words 18,810 |Comments 4 |Entries 44 |Images 49 |

07/01/09 11:56 - 67.ºF - ID#49155

Scientology Saved My Existance

Scientology has helped me a tremendous deal and I don't care what anyone says, it works.

I feel everyone has a defining moment somewhere in life. Whether it be achieving a 3.0 grade point average, or being the most valuable player on a basketball team. It seems that no matter how great or small this event may seem to the rest of the world, it means everything to the person experiencing it. Sometimes the moment is happy such as the first examples.

Here is my story and involvement in the church of scientology.

What is Scientology you may ask?

The word Scientology literally means "the study of truth." It comes from the Latin word "scio" meaning "knowing in the fullest sense of the word" and the Greek word "logos" meaning "study of."

About What the Church Does

Scientology is the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life. The Scientology religion comprises a body of knowledge extending from certain fundamental truths. Prime among these:

Man is an immortal, spiritual being. His experience extends well beyond a single lifetime. His capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realized - and those capabilities can be realized. He is able to not only solve his own problems, accomplish his goals and gain lasting happiness, but also achieve new, higher states of awareness and ability.

In Scientology no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith. That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true. An individual discovers for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing results.

While walking one night alone down the streets of Toronto I was approached by a nice woman who offered me a "stress test" I happily went inside and was amazed at how accurate and true the things she was speaking of were.

I ended up purchasing some books, one was called Dianetics, by L. Ron Hubbard. Dianetics is a set of ideas and practices regarding the relationship between the spirit, mind and body that were developed by author L. Ron Hubbard. According to Hubbard's claims, mental and psychosomatic physical problems are caused by traumatic recordings called engrams that are stored in the reactive mind. The goal of Dianetics is to become rid (or "cleared") of this portion of one's mind. Once at this state of "Clear," according to Hubbard, an individual becomes able to function at his or her full potential.

I ended up leaving the office and by chance I forgot my Rolex Watch, the man quickly ran outside and after me to return it, this goes to show how much character these people have and how helpful and honest they were.

It really bothers me to hear constantly that untrue rumors that the "church is a cult" and "its nothing but mind control" Let me tell you all something, I have experianced only good from going to the church and it has changed my life for the better. I have noone, no family or friends who I am able to trust and the church acts like my family everytime I go there.

I know that life is short. I realize that people often feel helpless because of how many aspects of life are out of our control. Death is something scientists continually try to control, understand, and overcome, and yet still all we can do is prevent it on some occasions for a short while. I grant you that life is unpredictable, and events in our lives are not dealt evenly from one person to the next. However, I believe that there are certain characteristics that abide in all of us. What we do with these characteristics depends on us. People chose how environments affect them. Once again it is understandable that it may be easier for some to "look on the bright side of life" and "keep their chin up" than it is for others. However, we all have the choice to move on, to "keep on keeping on", and on the other hand we all have the choice to give up and let any number of bad experiences be the "last straw" and keep us down for good.

I have gone through so much in my life and after reading the books I realized that life gets better and not worse. Tom Cruise is onr of my idols, I have always admired him for his charity work and personal lifestyle. He helps everyone and anyone whenever he is able to. When I was a boy I wished every night that he would adopt me. Even my girlfriend when I was a teenage knew how much I respected him, I have followed his career from the beginning. It makes me hurt inside when people say negative things about this good man and the church, who have both helped so many. Sometimes life "kicks us when we're down", and sometimes it elevates us to the highest heights we could ever imagine. The key to living a balanced life is to remember our low points in our highest peaks of joy so we can truly enjoy our brief time in the spotlight. And vice versa we need to remember how great our highpoints have been in our lowest times to realize that life has not been completely unfair to us, and to realize our whole life has not been miserable. Obviously this is not the only thing you will need to keep a level head in life, but it is definitely a starting point.

Who Is L. Ron Hubbard L. Ron Hubbard is the founder of Scientology. He has described his philosophies in more than 5,000 writings, including dozens of books, and three thousand tape recorded lectures. Those who regularly employ his teachings to improve themselves and help their fellows come from all walks of life. The universal acclaim for the man - including thousands of awards and recognitions from individuals and groups and the unprecedented popularity of his works among all people - is but one indicator of the effectiveness of his technologies. More importantly, there are millions of people around the world who consider they have no greater friend.

Imagine you are at the highest point in your life. You have political power, no enemies that can threaten you. Imagine you lack nothing. Imagine you have all the money you will ever need, and you have all the food you could ask for. Imagine that no one can physically hurt you. Imagine you constantly give money to those who are less fortunate. Constantly you volunteer your time and money to feed the homeless. You have spent your whole life helping others, and your whole life those people you are trying to help mock you for your power. They despise your for your perfect life. They use your name only among strings of curse words and in insults. Think of the heartache you feel as you consistently find the people you have dedicated your life to helping, cursing your name. Feel the tears welling up as you see the hatred in the hearts of the people you have shown your love towards since as long as you can remember. Now imagine that you have are given a chance to help all of these people with one act. You can give them all a chance to better themselves and each other by doing just one thing. You have to give up all you possess, all that makes your life better than theirs, and live among them, only to die a horrible death at the hands of those you are helping.

Well having noone I am able to trust is hard, but still id risk my life to save or help the ones I love. Scientology changed how I think and ofcoarse in the past I have done wrong things, who has not? But I have learned from my mistakes and gained from my negative experiances. Everything happens for a reason I believe and I am now a stronger person from having gone through so much. Tom Crusie was my inspiration. I thank him for that. I did not want my past to dictate my future. My main goal in life is to help others and to make myself happy by becomming a model and actor and I have been doing a great job so far of schieving this.

Would you be willing to do this? Would you give up an essentially perfect life just to help your fellow man? Would you be willing to be tortured, beaten, spat upon, despised and cursed to your face, just to help your brothers? I doubt that any of you could say you would be willing to do this for everyone. Perhaps you could give up all you have and sacrifice yourself for a few people, because of your love for them. You might be willing to die for your family, your children, your parents, your friends, or your girlfriends or boyfriends. So now think about this. What about the bully who beat you up in middle school? What about the guy who cut you off on the freeway last week and flipped you off because he was in a hurry? What about Timothy McVey? What about Jeffery Domer? What about the child molesters, the rapists, the murderers, the thieves, the backstabbers, the gossipers and the liars? Would you give up your life for them? Would you walk into Jeffery Domers house, knowing that he would kill you in a horrible torturous manner, if it meant that he would have a chance to improve his life? I doubt you can say yes. If you still feel you can say yes, think of this, even if you go through with all of this, it does not necessarily mean that the people you are dying for will chose to better their lives. They may continue to curse your name; they may continue to live in the meaningless fashion they have always lived in instead of taking the chance you provide for them through your sacrifice. Can you still go through with it?

It seems to me that if you want to feel sorry for yourself, and all the problems you go through undeservingly, that you need to read your bible a bit more, you need to understand the persecution that Jesus went through to protect you from yourself. He did nothing to deserve punishment. However he took a more brutal punishment in life than most of us will ever know. He gave up everything we could ever dream of to save the murderer, the thief, and you. How can you sit around being indifferent to anyone who would do so much for you? If your friend gave you fifty bucks for your birthday you would be quick to thank him and be sure to remember him on his birthday. If your brother gave you the car for your big date of Friday night you would probably be eager to make a sacrifice for him next time you had the chance. And yet many people sitting here this very moment don't take time on a regular basis to remember Jesus who did an infinitely greater thing for each and every one of you. Each of us should be taking time daily to thank God for what was done for us, each of us should live each day remembering that no matter how difficult our lives get that Jesus went through equal or worse than we go through, and that no matter how great our lives get, that Jesus gave up more than that to help us. Remembering this should be more than enough to get us over the point where our highpoint fades back into everyday life, or into disaster. Please don't misunderstand me to be preaching that I am spending my life doing all these things I say you should be doing. I don't spend nearly enough time doing what I should. This lesson applies to me just as much as it applies to every one of you. I don't claim to be perfect, "all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God." All I am hoping to achieve here is to help you all relate to a portion of what Jesus did for you, and to remind you why you put up with the pains of life to do his will. I want to remind you all why you are going through life giving up some of the physical pleasures you could be enjoying if it weren't "wrong". I hope that perhaps any one of you sitting here who has not been saved will realize what you need to do, and to be compelled to show your appreciation to the one who gave up everything for you.

I enjoy helping people, It makes me happy, If I can bring a smile to one persons face then I know I have done my job well. Through modelling and acting I can express myself and IT makes ME happy and fullfilled when I am able to live my dream.

I just have to set the record straight befroe I go, to all of you who claime to have been "cheated" by the church, that is your opinion and you have the right to make that claim, but to all of you who don't even know anything about the church, how can you make fun of it? is that not making you a hypocrite?

Bottom line is, don't knock it until you try it.

print addComment

Permalink: Scientology_Saved_My_Existance.html
Words: 2263
Last Modified: 07/01/09 11:56

07/01/09 11:52 - 67.ºF - ID#49154

Someone Sent Me This... So Cute

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Choose--Me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life!

print addComment

Permalink: Someone_Sent_Me_This_So_Cute.html
Words: 175
Last Modified: 07/01/09 11:52

07/01/09 11:49 - 67.ºF - ID#49153

Sleep Walking

Sleep Walking
Ever since I was a teenage I have been sleepwalking. One time when I was 15 I slept walked out of my apartment and walked into the hallway and then the stairwell of my apartment and was walking up towards the roof then I just relized where I was and awoke. It was terrifying.... what would have happened if I had of actually got to the roof?

Just last week in my hotel, I was sleeping and woke up in the elivator? Is this normal? Does anyone know?

Alot of the time I wake up and can't breath and find myself gasping for air? Like im chocking and my throat closes up. I believe I have sleep apnia.

Most of the time I wake up in my bed but sometimes im asleep in different locations....

I wonder what I do that i DONT remember.

print addComment

Permalink: Sleep_Walking.html
Words: 147
Last Modified: 07/01/09 11:49

07/01/09 11:48 - 67.ºF - ID#49152

My Letter To A Moron

I feel bad for you that you feel that way.Im not going to try and explaine myself to you or justify my past. It is my belief that when someone calls me a "friend" that they actually mean it. When im your friend im your friend for life, through thick and thin and through ups and downs no matter what anyone says. I am blessed that everyone I keep in my close circle I can actually call friends, I have been blessed with true friends. Who don't judge me and believe whats written about me.

I am very disappointed in you that you jumped to conclusions and wrote me that letter, I so did not appreciate it. I respect our friendship in the past and therefore I will cherish those moments. However in the future I can only wish you the best of luck.Happiness and health.

Dont call me your friend and then go and talk behind my back, my whole life I could never trust anyone and now I have to worry about you my "friend" betraying my trust too? I can't fucking deal with this or I wont be able to mentally make it.

It makes me very sad to know the judgement inside peoples minds who don't know me at all. At least my friends and family members who know me best believe me.

You hurt my feelings a great deal and you made me hesitant to trust others again alright. You need to know that and I need to make it crystal clear to you.

Noone will EVER understand what I had to go through in these last few years and it doesn't matter what I say to anyone, they will never get it. You were not in my shoes. I experienced it, I lived it.

I get emails from people I don't even know all the time telling me that they can relate to me and my life. Perfect strangers tell me im the victim ok. They tell me they understand I was brainwashed. You, who i've known for a while betrays my trust?

I sit here and wonder how close we used to be, then I wonder was it real?

print addComment

Permalink: My_Letter_To_A_Moron.html
Words: 370
Last Modified: 07/01/09 11:48

07/01/09 11:44 - 67.ºF - ID#49151

My Boyfriend Part 3

Why Cant I Get Through To My BF?

Ok, so here is a bit of history on my relationship.
Im Bisexual and so is my boyfriend. Im 26 and he is 21. We met eight months ago and it was instant love at first sight. We both fell head over heals for one another and we could not see enough of one another. We called each other every hour and saw one another everyday. Needless to say, our phone bills and text messages were very high.

So, three days after we met, my boyfriend who we'll call "Mike" told me he loved me. i was upfront and honest with him, I told him about my past and he knew I came with heavy baggage (numerous partners,legal issues and abusive situations. Not to mention my name being all over the media)

However he told me he didn't care about my past and he would never judge me, he told me we could just focus on us and move forward. I was the happiest person around and I was at the happiest point in my life.

I was in the closet and I came out to all my family and friends for him. It was very difficult and hard, however I knew I had to and I knew he was the one for me.

Mike was in the closet also and since he came from a very strict middleeastern family, he told me he could not come out. I told him I understood and I would never pressure him to come out. So we met in the fall and we would go out to suppers,movies,clubs,spend time at my house(I lived alone and he lived with his mother) we did a lot of stuff together.

However when all his friends and him would go out to nightclubs or parties he would never invite me? This really really hurt me. Because I loved him and he loved me and yet I was never invited out to meet any of his friends or family. However he met all my friends and family. So I had to sit at home alone most of the time he was out and sometimes I also would go out with my friends.

Then came his birthday, he was so excited about it....he invited his family and twenty of his friends. They all rented a limo and had a big party at a nightclub. Mike NEVER even invited me. I felt so horrible I wanted to literally die.
Then to add insult to injury he called me all nite and told me he loved me so much, he was having such a great time, he told me all his straight friends picked up all these girls and took them into the limo. etc....I was so hurt I didn't know what to say or do so I just cried all nite and I felt like I was going to go insane.

Then he had the odacity to tell me, that if he were in a situation with his friends and they were having sex with girls, he would have to do it aswell to "keep up appearances" and he didn't know what he would do in those situations. He is so paranoid of people thinking he's gay that he would go screw a girl infront of his friends inorder to look straight.....he doesn't give a damm if he hurts me, or maybe he does??? I don't know. Or maybe he enjoys group sex? How could he say "I don't know what I would do?" SAY NO!
say...your not in the mood or better yet, don't put yourself in those situations.

Then he tells me he hates going to Casinos and he would never go with me to the Casinos at Niagara Falls. i asked him for months....then he goes with his friends for their birthdays and doesn't even invite me. It seems like he is living two seperate lives and he wants me because he loves me.....but he wants me to live like his mistress who nobody knows about....and he wants to still live his old lifestyle with his friends while he keeps me.

I know he went to massage parlours while he was with me to sleep with women, I know he and his friends picked up girls while he was with me. I know he hits on women at clubs to look straight.

I told him I don't agree with him going to nightclubs,stripclubs etc unless im with him and I told him I wouldnt do it either. So he agreed. But when he's with his friends, I don't know wht the hell they're doing. He often lies and tells me he's one place and really another and I caught him in so many lies....he tells me he "has to help his mother" and he'll be busy.
That makes me think he is either lying or cheating or avoiding me.

However I must say, he makes a huge effort to see me everyday, buys me nice gifts, sends me loving text messages and makes a point to call me ten times a day when he is not around me.

He has a very very good job and he is doing well, however he acts very immature and he wants to hang out with his friends so much its anoying, he spends time with me but he acts like its a chore and he really has his friends on his mind all the time.

He acts like he is too young to be in a serious relationship (especially a gay one) and that he feels like his "exciting life" with his friends is passing him by and his youth is being wasted cause he can't go partying and clubbing and chilling all the time.

I tell him al lthe time....IF YOU WANT YOUR OLD LIFE AND YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE YOUR SINGLE THEN YOU NEED TO NOT BE WITH ME IN A RELATIONSHIP. and then he cries and acts all emotional and tells me not to leave him and that he's trying to include me in his life. HE WILL NEVER include me in his life I feel.....I havent even met his family????

I told him to introduce me to all his friends and I will act like a buddy and NOT like his BF. i told him I would never embarass him and act "gay" because im straight acting. I agreed to go along with the charade. Just because I wanted to be more included in his life. So he intorduced me to all his friends and I was very proud of him for doing it, I know it took a lot of guts. Most of his buddies liked me and everything was going great.....there was no more of us leading seperate lives and we both were together all the time.

THEN one of his retarded friends found out im Bisexual and told everyone, my BF Mike got so paranoid that he wanted to kill himself.
He told me that none of his friends liked me anymore and that he would have to tell all of them he stopped speaking to me and that he stopped hanging out with me. I could not believe this.

just because his friends hate bisexual and gay beople doesn't mean he has to tell them he "stopped talking and chilling" with me. I feel like his friends dictate to him who he can and can't associate with. Mike is so afraid of what his friends think, he doesn't even care about my feelings I feel like. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.....he wants everyone to think he's straight and to have his happy life with his friends and family and then keep me in the closet until he's ready to use me.

Mike even gets me to go on craigslist and post ads to find men for him, then these random men come over to MY house and Mike screws them in the bedroom while im in the living room. My bf offers me to join in but I always decline because it turns me off being with another guy. Now, you might ask WHY do I allow this............. its because aslong as im keeping him satisfied with other sex partners he doesn't have to cheat on my behind my back......he can cheat infront of me. he tells me these men mean nothing, but I still feel like Mike is really GAY and NOT bisexual I think, he ONLY talks about men and masturbates to gay porn and sleeps with gay men. He is in denial I think and he wants to be excepted by all his friends.

But what happens oneday when all his "friends" (who wouldnt even like him if they knew he was gay) all get married and have kids.....will Mike STILL be happy with me or will the pressure be way too much and he will have to give in and get married and put on a big charade show for everyone.....will he get married just because everyone else is.? Will he leave me and opt out for a more exceptable life?
Will I be left behind when he realizes he WILL eventually have to choose.....his old life and the "exceptable" life OR me?

Am I wasting my time with someone who is keeping me around because I make him happy now.....but i eventually know he will leave me and stay in the clost his entire life so his family wont be disappointed.

If his friends and family really loved him, they would accept him.

I love him unconditionally and I can see he is a tortured soul, he will be happy with me I know it.....we love each other so much......when we are alone together we have so much fun....but as soon as we are out the door.....he is a different person.....he ignores me infront of his friends and im always feeling like * * * * .

One day I know he will leave me to marry a woman and have kids and he will forever be tortured......because he will be living a lie with her for the rest of his existance and he will forever know he gave up on true love. Im sure he will be miserable......however I hope he wakes up before its too late. I don't want him to regret giving up on love.

He is too good of a person, however he is just way to immature and young..... sould I keep staying and fighting, its killing me....and I think its killing him too....or should I brake up for the good of both of us?

Please help me figure this mess out, this is the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I would truely appreciate it.

Luka Magnotta




print addComment

Permalink: My_Boyfriend_Part_3.html
Words: 1847
Last Modified: 07/01/09 11:44

Date Cloud

Category Cloud

  1. User must have at least 3 blogs in one category for categories list to show.

My Fav Posts

  1. This user has zero favorite blogs selected ;(



New Site Wide Comments

mike said to mike
John Stamos is mentioned in a suprising amount of my journal entries. Who knew he was so impactful o...

mike said to mike
I'm pretty sure this never ended up happening

mike said to mike
I still have those $2 wine glasses and used them the other day. I loved that store!...

mike said to mike
4 more years and a pandemic later and still $1. HOW?!...