Alright. Let me tell ya a little something about indecision. I just so happen to be an expert.
It all started at the AMPM corner mart at Delaware and Delavan, a mere two blocks from where I grew up. A young curly-haired kid strolled the candy aile, carefully weighing his options. Carmellos may taste the best but they don't last as long as say sweet tarts which can be sucked and savored for a good 10, 20 minutes. Or how about a mounds bar which must be eaten the prefered way - by nibbling off the chocolate along the walls and sometimes even a bite from the top before plunging into the coconut center. These are critical desisions - not to be taken lightly.
But others disagree.
This is true especially for those annoying adults, who most of the time seem to be hurrying from one place to another, as if anything could be more important than chocolate and baseball cards.
Alas, it is so.
This boys father just happened to be one such adult at the time, and so layed the question that was not to be forgotten for many years to come: "Jeremy, why are you soooo indecisive?"
So, here I am, an acceptance leter to a graduate school in Baltimore on the desk beside me, wondering if this is REALLY the right path for me to be taking for the coming years. I spent hours sitting, praying, listening, commuing at the Reinstien Woods last night long after anyone was supposed to be in the park. It was the perfect place to make the decision, where I could listen to the frogs that would be my primary object of study were I to accept the offer extended to me. The wind, rain, and wildlife seemed to broadcast many conflicting messages to me. They seemed to guide me distinctly one direction one moment and then just as distinctly the other in the next. I learned a great deal about some of my deepest longings in life, mind you, but was brought no closer to a decision.
I am tempted to leave it to some poll - a bulk e-mail like some anoying spam message but this one asking for a simple one word reply to the question: "Should I go to Towson University?" Yes or no. I would then tally the results and take the power and torture of decision out of my hands.
Let you decide. Let the universe decide. Let the advice of my spiritual teacher decide. Let wanting to be with friends decide. Let wanting to do something, anything with my life decide. Let wanting to avoid too much work or stress decide. Let fear of suffering decide.
Choose. No reason. No moral justification. Just Choose to because I choose to.

So, my reason for joining this group - that is besides the mind control device inserted into my brain whilst innocently attending a party at a certain house on Elmwood Ave. - is essentially to get myself writing a little bit again. It's a part of my brain that has had far too little exercise in the last several years of dry and lifeless scientific paper writing. It's time to learn to enjoy this again and to collect my thoughts and understand my motives more deeply through it.
A short background:
Throughout my high school years I longed to become a writer - at first a sci-fi writer and later as a nature writer. I gained a lot from writing. It helped me to take a break from my life and imagine myself as someone else, as who I really longed to be. Yes, it was fed by my low self-esteem but it also helped to solidify my thoughts on the world and become more confident in those thoughts.
Years pass, I go to college starting off in Biology, then change to English as the bio dept. had none of the emphasis on nature and ecosystems that I desired. But then sophmore year something strange happened - I met people. First Bekah, who remains a close freind today, and through her many others. And what did this new found social life do for my writing endeavors? Well, at first it was an inspiration, but then a noticiable "kerplunk" was heard as as it took a dive straight into the earth. Suddenly, the biggest drive behind my motivation to write was swept out from under me. I was happy! I did'nt have to escape my life anymore.
So, here I am, years later, having graduated in Biology from a different school (where my desire to ponder the bigger patterns in nature and theories of ecology was to some extent satisfied) and having left writing behind in the dust.
Maybe this will help me to pick up that old rusty tool again....