this morning i went for a walk. it turned out that it was a slow, meditative walk instead of the normal walks i take. you see, the trees and the grass were covered with ice. and it was just so beautiful. i just took my time staring at them and sharing and bonding with them. i believe it is the last time i will see this winter beauty this year.

i spend the last 15 minutes of work this morning within 15 feel of a deer. i was looking out the window, and she saw me, but was not afraid. in fact, i told her not to be afraid, and when i did, she went back to happily eating the grass and licking off her winter fur. then a bunny came by, the exact same color as the deer, and i watched the two of them on the small patch of grass, surrounded by all the snow that has yet to melt. the deer, unafraid, came within 5 feet of where i was at the window, even though she knew i was there.

when walking home from work, i stopped at the gazebo. in that moment, i saw that it was hailing. and i asked for it not to hail, because we're making a lot of progress on the melting snow. so i turned to the other side of the gazebo, and it was only faintly raining. then i realized: it was not hailing. it was the small chuncks of ice falling from the trees that decided to fall off the tree at that moment. the beauty i saw this morning was changing form, and the trees are becoming ready to wake up from their hibernation.

sometime i just feel so alive that i'm pretty sure i have already died. and that is an amazingly beautiful experience.

evan and i aren't talking. i don't think i can put energy into saving us. too many things that i need to do on my own.

i feel very, very sad to have lost my best friend. but i never truly was his partner, and i don't know if i could ever really choose to be. there just wasn't enough love there on my side.

it's a challenge to know when to decide to end things. i was in the computer room yesterday, and my friend asked me how i was doing. i answered that i was still into being alone. (i have been completely antisocial this week, and enjoying spending lots of time by myself.) he misunderstood what i meant and said that he though that i meant that i was thinking about breaking up with evan. and, without thinking, i replied, "i'm always thinking about breaking up with evan." hmm...

last week, when i was driving to buffalo, i heard free bird on the radio. it really resonated with me.

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now,
'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.
But, if I stayed here with you, girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change.
Lord knows, I can't change.

Bye, bye, baby its been a sweet love.
Though this feeling I can't change.
But please don't take it so badly,
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame.
But, if I stayed here with you girl,
Things just couldn't be the same.
Cause I'm as free as a bird now,
And this bird you'll never change.
And this bird you can not change.
And this bird you can not change
Lord knows, I can't change.
Lord help me, I can't chaye-ea-ea-ea-.
Lord, I can't change.
Won't you fly... high...free... bird.. (yeah).

(Guitar Solo)


i do like the ending: (guitar solo) i guess that's a good way to go out, no?

today one woman here, who i barely know, stopped me to ask how i was doing. maybe she heard me yelling on the phone last night or something. when i answered that i had a rough night, she said that it would all pass. that just made me cry. because deep down i know it will pass, and that hurts right now. endings are really fucking hard.

i know i just posted about spring, but i have this cool photo of these waterfalls that i visited yesterday. (i'm going to see if i can figure out how to post a picture, here goes!)

when i walked outside today, i saw some purple crocuses starting to bloom! the first flowers i've seen this year...

S-P-R-I-N-G is just around the corner!

so i think i'll go sledding this afternoon, hopefully as a good-bye to winter.

i remember i smoked salvia with a few fine blokes in buffalo. i also remember that i didn't really feel anything from it. i actually wonder if we got a different species, other than Salvia divinorum.

so, since i am drug-free here, i have decided to research some legal drugs a bit. it turns out that the preferred method is to CHEW salvia leaves, not smoke them. and preferably fresh, not dried, leaves. but i have no clue how to get fresh leaves, except for growing them myself, but then, how do i get the plant in the first place?

here's what i've found:

1) To start, take 15-20 fresh leaves, remove the center stem, to reduce the bulk
of the plant material. Roll the leaves into a quid (ball), and put in your mouth
This should be done, in a dark room, with a digital clock visible. Watching the clock, chew on the leaves, for exactly 15 miniutes, then spit them out. Effects should last about 45 miniutes...you could probally use the dry leaves in the same way as the fresh leaves

2) Dry the large leaves and smoke them. Put them in a waterpipe -- it
uses the material more efficiently. After about 6 or 7 puffs of the leaves,
the normal user will be stopped in his/her tracks, and probably want to lie
down and recieve the mental information this plant has to offer. You will
probably be taken down trains of thought independantly of your intellect,
which is off in the back smoking cigarettes with your ego while the divine
plant is operating. Make no mistake -- this is hardly just another plant to
get "wasted" with -- the insights gained by S. divinorum are often
_cerebral_, sometimes visual, sometimes not. But whatever the effects, they
are gone completely within 1-2 hours...

(i don't know how to do that fancy "link" operation, but all of this is from erowid.org/plants/salvia/salvia_info4.shtml)

if anyone has had experiences like this with the herb, can you please post about them? i am very curious...

hey everyone. i am living in pennsylvania at an ashram, where i spent six weeks last year. yeah, i'm on the spiritual path. and it's pretty cool but now i'm finding that i'm getting bored a bit. because everyone goes to sleep by 10pm

but i just finally came to look at estrip again, and i miss everyone in buffalo! you guys are the craziest! oh my god, i read about liz's performace, that was really intense.
i probably will be in town again next months, so get ready to party!

lots of love.

so, since i've been spending countless hours playing video games (i blame terry for getting me interested in DDR, which i don't have, and Mario Kart, which i kick ass at right now), i feel that i am doing what i should have done when i was in high school. so i feel like a bum, and i've never really been a bum in my life before.

and people keep offering me jobs. pretty good jobs too. and i'm not even looking for a job right now. the thing is, i know i could just take one of these jobs, become a wage slave again and get $$$$. but i'd like something more meaningful.

does anyone have any recommendations for websites that i should look at to find nonprofit jobs, specifically that have to do with renewable energy or, even better, holistic healing and spirituality? i know that there must be jobs like that out there, but i don't know where to look!

grr.
i'm so pissed off. i was just riding my bike home when a woman driving one of those huge cadillac suvs layed down on her horn for about 15 seconds at me. i looked at her and she was violently motioning at me that i should be riding on the sidewalk. (nevermind that where i live, it is illegal to ride on the sidewalk)
so then she got a red light and i went up to try to talk to her, but alas, the light turned green so all i could do was at least try to scare her by hitting her window. i was really angry.
then she rode past me again, beeping all the more.

this experience just showed me many things that are wrong with this country. why do people buy huge tanks that are too damn wide for the lane? why do people only think about themselves and not the environment or the poor kids fighting to defend our desire to own gas-guzzling cars? why do people not think that riding your bike is o.k.? i've had this kind of shit before when i'm riding.

i swear, if there was a cheap way to do it, i'd totally make up some bumper stickers that said "i drive an suv because i love war"

hey! i'm emily!

so, i'm this super idealistic chick who's totally into energy and trying to give all the world a huge smile whenever i can. don't know how i'm going to use my idealism to support myself yet, but i'm trying to figure that out.

i grew up around buffalo, and although there's a part of me there, my physical body is hanging out somewhere else now. i don't feel that many roots to anywhere except buffalo for the moment, as i've been travelling for the past year, and spent about 4 months in buffalo in the winter and came back to visit in june.

i just went on a 4-day 200+ mile bike ride from boston to provincetown, cape cod. i never took a trip on a bike before. i love the pace of biking. i want to ride my bike across the country someday. i've wanted to do that for years. the problem is that i really don't know that i'll feel that much of an urge to get back on my bike for that many days. but, if it's really supposed to happen, it will.

i miss hanging out in buffalo, it's a really fun place. i hope to come back and visit sometime in the next month. especially now that my sister and my nephew Orien live there too! love you guys!