"I would tell you that I loved you if it meant that you would stay..."

I have a million things racing thru my head right now...the car crash, katy, duffy, rick, aquila, aquila's mom, the play, victoria, justin, jaime, roger, steve and jen, bob, liz, todd and kevin and the fake pregnancy scam, the impending doom of sunday, motorcycles, the taste of buffalo, the fact i still havent called molly, beth and dolores, health insurance, my sore neck, my aunt and uncle, my grandma, and how much i fucking hate beign in my house, alone.
I'm not totally alone...mom and dad and bernie are all here, and asleep. and i like them better sleeping than awake right now. I just realized that i have no rehearsal tomorrow...so really, i have no reason to get up. I have nothing to look forward to, for the first time in weeks. I gotta admit, that's bringing me down.
Not that I'm all that "up" to begin with.
I'm trying very hard to not think about the car crash, because several very scary images come to mind, and I want to forget them. Me with my memory of an elephant, me who prides herself on remebering everything and everyone, wants to forget. It's amazing.

So, since I am trying to focus on something else...only one thing comes to mind.

And when you get down to it, it's equally scary.
I told Aquila today that the thing that scares me most is how stong it is. I don't care for intense situations or feelings, especially in this fashion. i simply don't have boyfriends. I have boys who are friends. I have boys I screw aroudn with. Then there are the boys I like. who i pretty much file under the "Untouchable" list in my memory warehouse. And there was Mark.
Fuck mark.
Anyhoo...
It's hard to be such good friends with the guy I like. It's never happend before.
ok i know some of you are screaming "LIAR!" right now, so let me explain.
It's never happened like this before. I would meet a guy and become friends with him, and then like him. But now...I liked him the moment I met him, in October. Buty hey, that was a 24 hour time period. Barely worth thinking about. Then in Deember, I liked him even more. But I was so terrified of his gf hating me that i said absolutely nothing to anyone. And then when I found out they broke up, it was THE DAY that my best friend fell for him.
Three weeks later, Friday happened. And Saturday.
And Sunday.

And my best friend dosen't like him anymore, because she is happy (a little banged up, but happy.) And i am standing here, cursing silently under my breath to ever single person who utters the words "so where does that leave you two?" or "what's the deal with you two?" or "whats going on with you two??"
i don't know. something. nothing. i don't know.
there are things I do know. I find him surprising. If that makes sense. I like how he climbs on things for no reason, and i like his taste in music, and i like that he knows comic books the way i know the lines to "empire records." i like the way he laughs, i like the way he smiles, and i love how he is always looking out for everyone. i think he's very talented, very smart, and funny. and im not gonna lie, quite the cute one too.
i also know that he is probably still holding a candle to katy, as pointless as it may be. alas, i am holding my candle pointlessly as well.
And it sucks. because I just don't know.
i know i don't want us to stop being friends.
and i know i want us to be more than friends.
and i know that i don't want him to be just another name on the list.
but i don't know.
he said he wanted us to be friends, that i was one of the coolest people he ever met, etc. but i know that things change. but i also know that getting your hopes up is useless. i don't know what im talking about anymore.
I was really worried that my feelings for him were there to replace my feelings of abandonment that are bound to r
un
rampant on sunday. i know that this is a completely psychological point of veiw and probably makes a lot of sense...but i also know it isn't really true.

There are a million thoughts racing in my head.
But he is the only thought that is standing still.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
And tryin' to walk through the pain.
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah I thought I could leave
But couldn't get out the door...
I was so sick n' tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishing that I... would die
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
Oh... It's amazing
A when the moment arrives
That you know you'll be alright
Yeah... It's amazing
And I'm saying a prayer
For the desperate hearts tonight

Tonight was by far the worst night of my life.

It isn't because my parents forced me to leave jaime's early, and it isn't because my night went totally opposite than planned, and it wasnt because I met that Jill chick that rick used to like, or because i ended up soaking wet and freezing.

It's because the windstar is dead.

Because a van is usually pretty dead after a car slams into the side of it and blows out the windows.

So i spent the greater portion of my evening either sobbing in a puddle on the intersection of potomac, bidwell, and elmwood, or calming katy down in an ambulance, or calming duffy down in the hospital, or sobbing outside when i realized that not only was katy all cut up, but my brand new pack of cigarettes got towed away with duff's car.
Before anyone panics, we are ok, mostly. No one is dead.
Duff and I were in shock, but we're ok now, more or less. i got a bruise on my shoulder but it isn't that bad at all, and a lttle whiplash to go with it. katy got the brunt of it, because she was sitting pretty much right at the point of impact. she banged her head, the windows on each side of her sprayed her with glass, and she got some cuts. shes getting stiches right now on her neck and wrist, apprently. and they are doing some tests to see if theres anything wrong internally, but it seems unlikely.

Katy is thinking this is a sign, because of the timing. i hope she knows it's not.

duffy is thinking that he endangered her life. i hope he knows he really didn't.

i am thinking that i would sell my soul to have been the one in the backseat.

we called aquila, who came running right away, all out parents, rick, and victoria. tomorrow, or rather, later, rick is gonna come get me and we are going to go get aquila from work and then go see katy.
i don't know if we have rehearsal tomorrow or not, but fuck it, i aint going.

that was the scariest moment of my life.

<i>You changed my face
I think I like it better now
It doesn't matter anyhow
Cuz that's the way it is
You said hello
Where the hell you been?
I said I feel like I been off to war
And I may never be the same again
I made my bed, but now I can't sleep at night
Cuz you're tossing and turning, you know, you know it ain't right
I'd love to beg, see, but I'm just too proud
And I don't even know what to say, so I'm thinking out loud
And when you dream, you're seventeen
I ain't there, so I don't care
Cuz in all my dreams, I'm twenty-three
And she's the girl right next to me
See that girl right next to me</i>

<i><b>You take a lot of chances with your feelings
No one really knows what you feel
Fixing is the only way you're dealin'
You turn your pretty head if it gets real
Oh, you
You take it so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
But it's only when you think about me
When you think about me
Think about me
And I got a head
Don't let me speak
And you got a secret I can't keep
You see a little stranger in your mirror
The guy you never knew is what you fear
And all you want is something I can't be
All you want from me is what you need
And now I'm saying I don't know
You take it so slowly
And your eyes look so lonely
But it's only
Oh, you
You take it so slowly
And it's only
'Bout me
When you think about me
Think about me
</b></i>

week one of the show is done. thank god. there are two rehearsals this week, and then the performanes on the 9th and 10th. and then nothing.
The quadrangle is scheduling a date for monday, according to katy, and theres reeharsal on tuesday and thursday i think, and friday we are going to jess' afet the show, saturday we're going to vivie's after and then the quad is sleeping over at ricks, apparently, and then on sunday is the big cast dinner...

and thats it.

feeling a little empty, actually.

anyhoo,
happy 4th of july!

Alas I am going to Merlin's with Molly...I am still not sure why.
I havent seen her in almost a week tho because of the play, so i suppose it will be fun.
And I could REALLY use a drink after the day I had.

So, no sleep.
Eh.
I'll sleep when I'm dead.

So i tried to use the sketch thing to illustrate my current anger, but i just ended up getting angry at it.
as you can see.

i dotn think i have ever been so outraged in my life.

why do people think that they can hurt others and get away with it? why are there people out there that would even want to hurt someone who never hurt them, who has only been good and decent to those around her? why people attack other people and then not care about what happens?
maybe it makes me naive and child-like, but i just don't UNDERSTAND that.

i don't understand how people can hurt my best friends.

it really makes me wonder about the hope of humanity.

ATTENTION
I NEED SUGGESTIONS.
Please read and comment.

Boys are stupid.

and here is why:

a few months ago, my friends kevin and todd decided to start a prank war. I thought this war had ended when we pulled the ultimate prank on todds brother scott, telling him that todd accidently hit and run kevin one night. It was perfectly timed, we even had police sirens and the whole bit. scott flipped out and rushed home, to find me and todd sitting in the garage, just as kevin came out the door with a beer in hand and said "hey, scott, whats up?"
and it was understood that I, being me, would never be subject to a prank for the following reasons:
1. i am a girl, and thus not allowed to play with the smelly boys.
2. i am fully capable of kicking their asses.
3. i worry about them too much for me not to end up in a complete state of terror and nervousness.
4. i don't play nice when im mad.

But it seems as tho my boys have forgotten this, since the other night todd told me and jaime that he was going to pick up kevin and he would be right back, and then scott told us that they called and said his truck broke down at the border to canada and kevin got taken into custody.
1. why were they in canada?
2. how ironic is it that his truck dies RIGHT at the border?
3. kevin would be searched, btu they have nothing to hold him on unless he had weapons or drugs, and while stupid, kev would never take that with him were he going to canada.
4. todd left at 11:30. at 2:30, when we left, he was still "on his way home."

but all of this is really inconsequential, since steves girlfriend (who stuck around all night) TOLD us it was a prank.

And now, I must exact my revenge.
You can't tell me that Kevin got in trouble with the cops. you just can't. cuz i will quite literally blow a fuse. NOTHING scares me more than kevin getting in trouble with the cops.
and you can't blatantly lie to me either. if todd had said, we need to make a stop in canada first, i would probably not have been mad. agitated, but not mad. i would have gone home and gotten some much needed sleep instead.

So I must maim, hurt, and humiliate them until they cry like the little girls they are!!!!!

(and yes, i am aware how horribly immature and petty i sound right now, and no, i don't care.)

As childish as this prank war is, I must retaliate.
And it has to be something that they would never, ever expect me to do.

SO
I enlist all those out there who read this...come up with a killer prank, and I will do it.

Today I went to the mall with Becky to get clothes for the funeral and wakes. It was a thouroughly depressing shopping experience. I went to Victoria's Secret to find black thigh high fishnets...they even had ones with seams! Thus, I would have been very happy...had there been any in stock.
After my dissappointment there, we went to the Polish Water Ice place.
I want to open a franchise of this.
Anyhoo, Becky drove me home and mom made dinner (my first actual home cooked meal in 3 weeks) and then I went to rehearsal, and was thrown into a car with Vivie and Justin on a search for an aqua refridgerator in Cheektowaga. When we found it, it was under a huge pile of junk on Union, and clearly these people gutted their house and then just left the remnants on the lawn.
The fridge was huge and heavey, and we couldn't lift it. Not to mention that justin was not too cool with having soemthing that leaked freon in his van. So we dug the door to it out of the pile and took that.
Then the bad things happened.
Justin was being generally pissy, as usual, and Viv got annoyed and said "whats with the attitude today?" So they got in a fight, causing rehearsal to start 15 minutes late and no one being allowed in the dressing room. When they moved the fight to the office and everyone is ready, I knocked, recived a "WHAT?!" and asked if i could start the show.
So, for the first time in a year, i was back in the directors chair...for one night only.
After the run-thru, they came out, much happier. I think. Neither wanted to come out with us after, so I don't know.
So then we went to Jim's Steak-Out, and hung out there for a bit, until Matt's dad came and drove us home.

And once again, I actually feel tired at the end of the day. Which is excellent because I really need to start sleeping again, especially at night. This whole 2 hours in the middle of the day thing is ridiculous. But last night I slept from 2-1...thats 11 hours, most of them at night, and without sleeping pills.
YAY ME!
Now I gotta go call Michael...who will inevitably either drag me out with him, make me mad, or give me soemthing to worry about.
I love him, he is my soulmate, he is the one I will spend my entire life with (in a purely platonic way, unfortunatly)...but he needs to get some friends.
and a boyfriend.
immediatly.

This is my old headshot.

I hate this picture.

Why do I hate this picture?
1. I wear glasses now, not contacts. My contacts almost made me go blind. Contacts bad.
2. My hair is in a very "I hate you" place here...of course, due to a lovely relapse of Trichotillamania, I barely had any, so there wasnt a whole lot of it to hate me. But that in itself is bad, too.
3. I forgot I was getting my headshot donw and didn't really do my hair or makeup...plus, I think im wearing one of dads old shirts.
4. I have lost 30 pounds since i took this picture. I am fairly certain my head dosent look quite so much like a potato at the moment.
5. Why didn't I wear earrings?
6. Jaime put me in funny positioning.
7. The photo isn't dark enough.

None of these things are menat as an affront to my lovely photographer (and best friend) but rather as an annoyance with how I used to look.
I find this strange, since ever since i was about 14 i never really cared how i looked...sometimes i swear that my girly side just happened to kick in about 5 years too late.

::shudders at the mere thought that I have a girly side::

I'm going to go play a video game now.

Today i was awoken at 8am (an UNGODLY hour of the morning for normal people, but the middle of the night for someone who's day starts at 1pm)by my sister, who told me to get up cuz i had to go to0 rehearsal.
I didn't have to go to rehearsal.
I did however have to go to Value home centers on Transit in Amherst to wash cars.
So i get up and dressed and ready, and it's 9:30, the time i am supposed to be picked up....that time passes. i make a few calls, vivie cnat find rick, i can't find katy, confusion abounds.
So 11:30 rolls around and i am driving down main st. with my mother, trying to find this place that katy said was "right near the imax". appreantly when she said that, she meant 10 miles past it. just like when she said "ill pick you up at 9:30" that really menat "have your mother drive you out here two hours late."
So i get there and im washing cars, and yelling at andy to hurry with the hose, and matt to wash the roof.
The usual "we need money immediatly or no one will hear us over the band cuz we have no micorphones" fundraiser.
It went pretty well, and was a lot of fun. Especially when some lady gave Bill a dollar just for being cute, when soem lady commented on what a nice job andy did shaving his legs, when the BMW convertible pulled up and Matt, Andy, and Rick treated it like a sick infant (overcompensating for the fact you spent the greater part of this week in fishnets and heels, boys?) and when i took a picture of the whole cast doing the time warp in front of Valu to attract attention.

After the car wash, Vivie, Emilia, Rick and I went to McDonalds, and hung out a bit. Then we dropped off Viv, and Rick asked where I lived, and how to get there. I said "Kenmore. Just go straight down main st."
Apprently what he heard is "I live at Todd's house."
So we're getting towards the exit for todd's, and emilia is thinking we're going to my house, and im thinking im going to emilias house, and then rick says, "so which exit do i get off at?" i look at emilia, she looks at me.
"Brig?"
"What?"
"Which way?"
"Um, the complete and total oppisite of where we are now."
Silence.
"SHIT."
"I don't live at Todd's house."
"SHIT."

So he turns around and I tell him to go straight, and not make any unplanned detours.
He decices to take Emilia home first, cuz she lives closer to where we were. (she also lives right next door to the church Melissa and Mark were married at...yay for being maid of honour!!!)
So then we wnet to the bank, where i read up on loans while rick waited in the slowest moving bank line i have ever seen.
"I could have taken out a loan while you were in there."
"I kno!"
"And I probably could have paid it off too."

So then i went home, and Rick got lost in suburbia and was quite frightened, but i told him that my street intersects with delaware so he knew what he was doing.

Now vivie can't find the drummer i hired (Those Liquid Idiot boys are ALWAYS trying to ruin something for me.) and duffy is iming me constantly about his angst filled soap opera relationship with my best friend.

I, personally, am going to take a nap.

Warning: The following enrty involves me venting about how angry I am right now. Ok, i'm lying. I am angry, and I am venting, but I am more so going on like a heartbroken hormonal teenager about my former best friend. Skip it if you feel nessecery

I don't know why I let him do this to me. He has everything it takes to break my heart, and the really evil part is, he does it.

Imagine you are me. (Even if you don't know me, just pretend.)

You are 7 years old.
You are at your best friend Kevin&acirc;€™s house, playing Ghostbusters, as you do everyday after school. Suddenly he stops and says &acirc;€œI think Nick likes you.&acirc;€?
You stare at him with a very &acirc;€œAnd your point is&acirc;€&brvbar;&acirc;€? look on your face. All the boys like you. The girls are a different story. They hate you because the boys hang around with you. You are not a fan of nailpolish and high-heeled shoes. You prefer mud and baseball, and think that maybe if the girls got their hands dirty once in a while, the boys would like them better. You are a tomboy, and have been for your entire life.
You think briefly of nick. He sits behind you in class. He is Kevin&acirc;€™s other best friend. He has unruly black/brown hair and big brown eyes hidden behind horribly ugly big brown glasses. He is short and skinny. He is a complete dork. (Later, you will read the works of JK Rowling and make a hideous comparison&acirc;€&brvbar;)
You shrug. &acirc;€œNope.&acirc;€? Kevin shrugs, then points out an invisible ghost for you to &acirc;€œbust.&acirc;€?

You are 9 years old.
You find yourself walking Nick home form school one day. You chat idly and kick at the snow under your feet, when he points across the street to the school brat and her brothers watching you. You shrug it off and leave. They don&acirc;€™t worry you. You know you could knock her flat on her ass if you wanted to.
The next day at school, nick is not there. Your teacher announces that someone threw ice and snow at him the previous afternoon. Aforementioned brat raises her hand, 'Brigid walked him home. She did it.. I saw.&acirc;€?
You call her a liar and attempt to rip out her hair.

You are 11 years old.
Nick sits beside you in school, and you have sort of become friends. He lets you call him Nicole, though you never know why. You develop Trichotillomania that year, and nick never mentions it. You don&acirc;€™t know if it&acirc;€™s because he doesn&acirc;€™t notice, or because he&acirc;€™s too nice to tease you. Either way, you love him for it. You develop a short-lived crush on him that you only tell Kevin and your friend Beth about.

You are 13.
You are graduating grade school and consider Nick as a friend. When he is beat up at brat-turned-bitch&acirc;€™s graduation party, you tell her off, and leave, taking your friends with you. (Even tho it didn't make that much of a difference, and his fight wasnt the only one that night.)
You see him sporadically over the next two years.

You are 15.
You call his house (he has moved onto your street) in search of another friend. She isn't there. You start talking about the weirdest things, such as what food belongs to what state. (i.e. Florida-oranges; Wisconsin-cheese; Louisiana-shrimp.) You talk for 3 hours, until both your mothers are hollering at you to get off the phone.
You realize that you are now good friends.

You are 16.
You take him to the school dance, he takes you to the movies, you tell each other every detail of your lives.
You have become an extreme theatre geek. He has become obsessed with his newly formed band and playing the drums. Still, you persuade him to audition for a play you are directing, and he is cast in a lead role.
On May 6th, you are rehearsing in his yard, and see the lilac bush growing there&acirc;€&brvbar;your favorite flower. You decide to take a walk. You talk about everything, including a dream he
ha
d involving Natalie Portman, for which you dub him &acirc;€œHollywood Pimp&acirc;€?, a nickname which never fails to allude him still. You pass a lilac tree, he picks a handful and gives them to you.
At that moment you know he is your best friend.

You are 17.
You are doing a play, he is the opening act. You get in a fight. When you make up, you tell him that he is one of your best friends. He smiles and takes your hand and says &acirc;€œYou are my best friend."
For the next 6 months you ride a rollercoaster of plays and gigs, on the go dinners and phone calls from work.
It is June 5th. You have graduated high school.
You stand on the stage in your white gown, scanning the crowd. You spot him sitting at the back. He has spiky, well-kept black/brown hair, and big brown eyes no longer shaded by ugly glasses. He is less skinny, though still thin, and taller. He no longer a complete dork. You run to him and he hugs you and kisses your cheek, which he has never done before.
After graduation, you go to his car, and drive to your friend&acirc;€™s party. He tells you that he likes this girl named Tonia.
You suddenly feel like you have swallowed a box of nails.

You are 18.
He is dating Tonia. You are chasing after anything that breathes, including a very married man, a very gay man, and a certifiable midget. After every messy end, Nick says &acirc;€œI told you so.&acirc;€?
For you, denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Autumn comes. His grandfather dies. He reunites with his father. He makes plans to move to Florida with Tonia. You have grown to hate Tonia.
Winter comes. You realize just how much you are in love with him. You have a nervous breakdown, but can&acirc;€™t tell him. Tonia has left him.
He doesn&acirc;€™t get out of bed. He calls to listen to you breathe. He cries more than anyone you&acirc;€™ve ever met. He is depressed and self-destructive&acirc;€&brvbar;for six long months. You sit there thru every damned minute of his suffering, but at the end of it, you are sure to say &acirc;€œI told you so.&acirc;€?

You are 19.
After a fight with a friend, she tells him of your feelings. He asks everyone about it except you. Eventually it gets through the grapevine, to your ears.
That summer, you go camping with your friends, and maneuver them away so that the two of you can talk. You ask why he didn&acirc;€™t come to you, and ask if it were true. He responds that the second she said it, he knew it was the truth. You will never understand this.
You have a particularly nasty fight.
"I think that true love never dies. I mean, the thought of Tonia still hasn't left me."~Nick
"You know what? You're absolutely right."~Brig
"I am?"~Nick
"Yeah, call me in 30 years and I'll prove it for you."~Brig
"I think...I think...I don't know what I think."~Nick
"I think...that you don't know me as well as you claim to."~Brig
You storm away and cry all night. In the morning, his mattress is next to yours, but he is gone.
A few weeks later he calls. He wants you back in his life. He misses his best friend. You tell him to go away. He replies &acirc;€œI will not let you get rid of me. I am not going anywhere.&acirc;€? At this, you cave, and tentatively agree to attempt being friends again.
Your mothers start to plan your non exsistent wedding.
Then his band breaks up.
It is now May.
His new band is playing it&acirc;€™s first gig. You do not like the new front man. You get in a fight, where he says that if you can't accept the new face in the band, he doesn&acirc;€™t want to be friends anymore. It is the one time in your life that you say you are sorry to him. You don't want to lose the one you love. It is the one time in his life he says he&acirc;€™s sorry, too.

You are 20.
You're mother ends up in the hospital. Nick comes over and makes coffee and buys a banana cake. You play trivial pursuit all night, and he helps you put your little sister to bed.
He
throw
s a party at his aunts house. You and Beth take his car to go find beer. The party dwindles. you spend the night. In the morning, you eat banana cake and drink wine coolers and watch the fifth element on HBO. His car is covered in ice, and you drive home in a virtual igloo.
You throw a party, at which he decides to take a trip back to junior high and start a game of spin the bottle.
When you kiss him, you wonder what cruel trick the gods are playing on you. No kiss has ever been like that before.
After that, things change.
You are constantly fighting.
He thinks himself to be a rockstar, and in many ways he is. His band achieves local fame when it opens for Default, and wins several competitions. He releases a CD, and starts on a new life of sex and rock n roll. (Leaving the drugs part to the front man&acirc;€&brvbar;)
He makes no time for you. He never calls. He never returns your calls. Unless you can offer chicks and beer, he sees no point.
Then one day you get into a particularly bad fight and realize that he no longer cares about you or anyone else. He only cares about himself. He is a selfish, spoiled bastard, and you can&acirc;€™t be around him anymore. He makes you feel bad when he isn't even there.
You are sick of his shit.
He said he would never let you get rid of him. What about him getting rid of you??
You cease communication, realizing that you have just given up the one man that you have ever truly loved. The one guy you could picture yourself with forever.
The one that you are now sure you have loved since you were 7 years old.

Then he sends you an email saying he misses you.
And you start to think, maybe things are getting better.
Then he blows you off...again. For the band...again.
And you start to wish he was dead.

I sometimes wish he were dead.
This is the boy who i have known since i was 5 years old. The boy who loved me unconditionally for so long, the boy that is my be all to end all. This is the one whom I loved more than anything, the one that was my best friend in the whole world.
And sometimes, I really, really hate him.
But theres all this stuff.......
just stuff.
stuff i remember.
The way his hair sticks up in the morning and how he never had pants on yet when I knocked on the door. The lilacs and the music and the way he held my hand in the hallway of the theatre. The makeshift rice krispie treats cereal and the cadbury coma eggs, the graham crackers he threw in the ceiling fan at the candy store, how I always felt like part of his family when they were around. The time Kev and I made him wait across the street all day long, the Monster from Hell movies, the gumby movies, the time he jumped off the stage and did his best john travolta from Saturday Night Fever impression. I remember playing ghostbusters, and watching movies, and hating school together. Going to the Goo Goo Dolls concert, going to all his concerts. The foods that apply to the different states, the x-mas dance, him dressing up as spiderman and climbing thru the fire escape window to surprise my CCD class on Halloween, the batman obsession, the michael jackson obsession, oh spidermanspidermanspiderman...I remember him sitting in the rain, him kissing me in my basement, him at my graduation, him at my plays, him at my parties, him with my family, him in my head all the time...

And thats just not fair.

"I was there I was the air you breathe Until you became a big star No need for me Now who you gonna call When nothing's right?"

"In all this time, The bottom line's you don't know how much I feel You say you see but I don't agree You don't know how I feel"

"It must be your skin that I'm sinking in
It must be for real 'cause now I can feel
And I didn't mind
It's not my kind, it's not my time to wonder why
Everything gone white
Everything's grey
Now you're here Now you're away
I don't want this
Remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
Don't
let the d
ays go by
Glycerine Glycerine
I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
Are you at one, or do you lie
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields
I treated you bad, you bruise my face
i couldn't love you more you've got a beautiful taste
Don't let the days go by
Could've been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
It should have been easier by three
Our old friend fear and you and me
Glycerine Glycerine
Don't let the days go by
Glycerine
Don't let the days go by....
Glycerine Glycerine
Glycerine Glycerine
Bad move white again
Bad move white again
As she falls around me
I needed you more when you wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be clear simple and plain
Well that's just fine that's just one of my names
Don't let the days go by
It could've been easier on you you you
Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine"

(I think that music lyrics are the new poetry, so I use them a lot.)