I'm so tired of being sick and tired!!! Having two shoulder surgeries in 7 months and it being winter is having a major pull on my psyche right now!! If it's not bad enough the financial strain this whole thing has put on Heidi and I, the pain and boredom is killing me. When I had my first surgery it was at least summer so I could go and walk around, I would walk for hours and even went camping which helped with my therapy (more than I imagined) as well as allowing my body the constant exercise it's use to, helped keep my spirits up even though my whole world was falling apart at the same time. But, with this cold weather I can't go anywhere!! I can't go for a walk without falling or slipping (which isn't an option) I can't tie my own shoes, I can just now zip up my own jacket. I spend all day in the house in a recliner staring at the same 4 walls all day, occasionally I get out in the evening with (e:Heidi) and friends, but it's no where as active as my body needs!!

My body and mind are completely freaking out!! My body spas' all the time from lack of exercise, I stretch, do lunges and squats but there's not much else I can do INSIDE!! When I had my left shoulder done I had my dominant arm to do stuff, but with my right one down and the left not fully healed (no strength) I can't carry anything, it takes me 40 min. to get dressed, I can't shower fully without help, and feeding myself has turned into tv dinners (which my body is also not enjoying, looking for nourishment) With me be an avid athlete my whole life and to be tied down for almost 7 months and especially this past 1.5 months because of STUPID WINTER my mental state is constant fight!! I am not a person that gets depressed, I always find the bright side to everything and just push through the bad shit with a smile; because everyday is a gift and I plan to live it up. Right now I cry at least once a day and battle with not getting depressed, I find that I see and hear things said to me out of context, like the whole world is somehow against me!!

I have the greatest love I have ever had in my life with (e:Heidi); what a true gift and blessing she is in my life. I have the GREATEST group of friends that i truly love and feel abundantly blessed to have in my life, I enjoy seeing them even if all we're doing is hanging out. During this whole process I have never not felt the full love and support of my friends and especially my beautiful fiancee!! I have no reason to be depressed!! I got my ged and will be going to college, getting a bachelors degree so that I can do what I have always wanted to do "Help People" all of which I couldn't have done without (e:heidi) telling me I can do this and then showing me that I was able to do it....skies the limit!! Our life is going to be awesome and I just can't wait to get it going the way we want it to!!

I'm hoping by getting this off my chest this will help me to shake out my sillies!!! I want my physical life back, I want to get started on my new education and job, I want to start living the incredibly beautiful life that (e:heidi) want to and will have once things get back to normal. I know it's only a couple of more months, just sometimes it seems like the calendar year keeps going backwards instead of forward!!

I would like to personally thank all of my close, and dear friends for always being right there, being supportive and loving!!! I love y'all so very much and CAN'T wait for summer to come so we can go camping, swimming, hiking and playing sports!!

To my beautiful (e:Heidi); I know this has been just awful tough for you, from work, to financial crap, to taking care of me and just the household stuff it takes to run our home!! I am so unbelievably grateful for you, your support, your time and especially your love!!! I can't wait to be your butch/house boy again!! I can't wait to be able to hold you, sleep in bed, have those beautiful quiet moments in each others arms, fireflies, blankets of stars in the sky, hiking, camping, swimming and butterflies. It is only a couple of months before our life will be considerably less stressful and we can enjoy our life and building our future the way we want it to be!! I love you so very much and thank you for loving me the way you do!! <3 <3