Yeah!

Last night I was exercising. I haven't been able to exercise as much as I like due to a football related knee injury that happened last september. I am going a little stir crazy because I used to run an hour a day, plus yoga, plus strength training, plus team sports twice a week. I'm wearing a lovely strapless purple dress to the purple party and I am self conscious about my arms and back. In the past 2 years I have lost over 70lbs and my skin is still loose and saggy. Not that I really have anything to worry about since I'm as hot as fried eggs still on the skillet. Or lava rocks.
Anyways, I was on the floor doing bicep curls with my resistance bands at 12:30am last night while catching up on Lost Girl and the band slipped and smacked me in the face. Right across my eyes. It took me ten seconds to stop seeing stars and realize what happened. I had a dark cloud in the lower corner of my eye and started freaking out thinking I was going blind. I was smacked pretty darn hard. I eventually got my vision back, but everything out of my left eye was blurry. I could feel swelling but didn't see any. When I closed my eyes everything was a bright blue. Fuck.
This morning I (reluctantly) called my eye doctor about the trauma and (luckily) they were in the office today to check it out. Nothing major, just a swollen retina and cornea. Have to wear sunglasses for the next few days and everything looks weird. I am so clumsy.

I have decided to go to another open mic night this Monday. Ugh.

Last Open Mic was almost two weeks ago. I was nervous all day, as I knew I would be. Performing makes me want to throw up even if I enjoy it more than most things (not bacon). I'm glad I've met such wonderful people over the past year and a half. I don't know if I've ever had a group of friends who would show up for an open mic to support me, and I cannot express how much I appreciated that (even though it probably made me a twinge more nervous). Everyone had my back and was cheering for me, and that was the most rewarding aspect of the whole experience. That and getting over my insane stage fright.

I know I have nothing to worry about, that I am very talented and that people generally enjoy listening to me. Music has been the one thing in my life I could always turn to, the one thing that I have consistently enjoyed. I learned how to read music before I could read words. I started playing the piano when I was 4, clarinet at 12, alto saxaphone and flute at 14, guitar at 19, harp at 20. But singing? I came out of the womb singing. If you look at the comments on my report cards growing up you'll find many comments that say "Erica sings frequently in class, it can sometimes be a distraction." I did talent shows as a kid. I went to school early to practice with my choir teacher - and many times stayed late to get some more practicing in. I sang classical and opera competitively all throughout High School. I made it to the All-State Choir. I even sang in Carnegie Hall. Truth. What the frick-frack am I so nervous about? Why is it difficult for me to get up in front of a half empty bar and do my thang to people who are only half listening (well, I'm gonna tell you why, don't worry)?

I hate being emotionally vulnerable. I don't just sing because I've always sang. I don't sing because I enjoy it. I sing because it is the only I know how to express my feelings (well, the only healthy way). I sing, not for attention, but to share with others my own vulnerable honesty. I sing because life has continually let me down to bring me back up. This isn't just sound waves reaching ears, this is who I am and all of the crazy that comes with it.

It wasn't until this past year that I moved on from caring about what people think. Trying to be invited into the "circle" and trying to be what everyone wanted. I've realized that I make the most rewarding connections if I am just myself as much as I can be. And that I am someone that people like to be around. And if they don't that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. So that's what I'm striving for. Just to be me. Nothing more, nothing less. The circle no longer exists.

My goal for this next open mic is not to be less nervous. I can't do anything about those pesky nerves. It is not to be perfect or flawless. That goal is unattainable. I just want to be myself as hard as possible. I want to share with the half-empty bar that is half listening all of my trials and tribulations. To just get up there and do my thang-a-lang, and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.

Oh, and I'll be performing a new original song that no one has heard yet. So you might want to be there for history's sake.

I re-discovered this amazing picture today. It was taken in Ft Meyers Florida last August.

Bacon makes everything better. Especially those days that swell like a lump in your throat. Days that leave you feeling defeated. Days when you wake up early to catch a run before work and days when you don't have to work at all. Even on days when you've already had bacon to eat. Bacon = yum.