monday was alright. It started off awesome, actually :)

after my first class, i went to the crane library and got some pretty good studying done before my test in social problems. I think I did reasonably well? I still haven't gotten the grade from my first test back? wtf.

i came home, cooked, then went to Jens' place to drop of the traveling thoughts sketchbook (https://ramblingsofanartist.wordpress.com/category/traveling-thoughts/). I can't believe i had it as long as i did! 3 months instead of 3 days. >_< he's going to draw in it, then send it off.... he works at fedex, so he gets a discount. We had a few beers and some good conversation, then i headed home.

I've kinda just been curled up in bed since... it's interesting how things can change so drastically from day to day. I guess it's all about perspective, huh?

My sister April has been so chatty lately. she went from never really being home or doing things with me to following me from room to room with unending chatter. it's so weird. last week when i clearly finished the conversation and indicated that was going to hole up in my room and study/internet, she continued talking to me in my door way - i had shit to do! i couldn't get a thing done. i don't necessarily hate it, it's just odd how much she's intereacting with me now. Before, i'd try to cook dinner or we'd make plans to have movie night together and she'd just be "too tired" or "not hungry" or just not come home that night. but now she complains that i'm gone so much... hmm.

tomorrow is a long day. i need to be in bed 3 hours ago.

st. paddy's day was tons of fun.... i got out of work earlier this year because i closed last year. \:D/

the night previous we went to the shamrock shakedown. not all of the music was that great, but some of the rooms had awesome music. the bottom and top floors were the best... Rita, (e:heidi), (e:dianne), (e:xandra), (e:yesthatcasey), (e:paul), and (e:terry) all piled into two vehicles and made our way to dnipro... i got some prime dancing in! The drum'n'bass upstairs was def my favorite. the middle floor was just so.... blah.

the parade day was pretty busy. i'ts been years since i was actually able to be in it... i think it has been 9-7 years. maybe 6. i've always had to work! on top of that, this is one of my better experiences with the day.... most of the time it's been dealing with obnoxious drunkards coming into the places i worked...

work that day was fairly more easy that i really thought it was going to be. I was in a side room with several families who were friends and wanted to be together in a separate room from everyone else. honestly, it seemed like a sweet deal to not have to be stuck in the giant dining rooms like everyone else. they got to actually hear each other talk unless they were out getting food from the buffet. They were all easy to deal with, and i had no problem tracking who got what. I was working with someone who's pretty good, also... so that was a plus.

after the parade was pretty interesting and fun... everyone else was far more intoxicated than i, but i managed to stay at an even level once i achieved a comfortable level. I was not interested in becoming ill or getting completely ridiculous... success! We got up on the roof, and i spotted a gaggle of girls who were doing jello shots in front of the house... eventually we went outside and invited them in to engage in the consumption of spirited libations with us. :) that was neat.... and then they left. their jello shots were tasty.

after a while i got so tired, i kind of just wandered from room to room until i settled on the firm conclusion that i ought to sleep. i fell asleep in (e:xandra)'s bed for a moment until i came downstairs and fell asleep on the couch... then i woke up and went to bed in the real bed.

busy with school things, so I'll flesh out this entry later... so behind!

• edit - 3/19/13

it's hard to remember everything but i'll do my best...

showed (e:paul) the fish market on niagara st.... everything is so cheap there. he seemed to like it! (e:terry) went with him to eat there a few days ago, actually... i think?

i ended up freaking out about this essay that i got the due date confused with something else, so it was late, but it appears my prof. is going to be fine with it. it was stupid, it was just a short research paper, but i had such academic anxiety over it. for the most part, this is my least worrisome semester yet. i'm not too concerned with how i'm doing, yet the last 3 have been hell as far as anxiety goes... idk what's up? maybe i just have other things to worry about.

we ended up going to little rock city... I had so much fun. i really am an outdoorsy person on the inside, it's just that i never had much of a chance to explore it except for when i was little. I've also never really had friends who do that sort of thing on the regular, so i didn't really know where to go or what to do. I ran around and climbed on things :) i also wrestled and had snowball fights. it was a ton of fun.

we went out to eat later.... we were so soaked and i was pretty dirty. we didn't care though! i was so inappropriately dressed... haha

Also, another thing that happened between now and then was that Tanya got a call from fedex and got the job!

Congratulations Tanya! :D It really sucked hearing she got that rejection letter... but then she got that awesome call! Kind of a tease, but she's finally getting out of 7-eleven!

michael got back from florida last night after being with family for just under a month... I kind of probed him a bit to see how it had gone since he wasn't exactly bursting at the seems to tell me.

as usual, he had to navigate a lot of deeply embedded emotions, and old... grudges? traumas? idk. I sensed it put him in a goodish mood to talk about/share his feelings with me, but it ended up bringing me down a bit. i love him very much as a person and i consider him like a family member now, more than anything, and i just want him to be well, and to prosper and to feel okay.

There's only so much you can do for someone as far as talking things through, but even talking about it helps a person out. it's remembering to shut up and just be understanding that can be the tricky part. I like to think i can do that, but now and again i find myself offering advice that no one asked for.

April got home and was in a fowl mood. she got demoted from manager position at work because of work politics. my heart goes out to her, but it's hard to handle all these emotions from various directions. Her and David started fighting because she wanted a glass of wine on her birthday night and he couldn't handle being around it. fun.

I just wanna write this essay but it seems like the swirling mass of details from everyone else' life and the sense of rootlessness i've had lately is just really taking me into the clouds. I'd just like to feel grounded enough in this moment to start. maybe venting this out will help.

There's just so much depression in this house... I'm not a depressive, but it really gets to me. It's hard to focus, to remember everything i'm supposed to do, and then when i mess something small up, it seems they can't handle it at all, so i have to hold myself together better than they are. It seems like my presence here only serves to be a feeling of anchor or peace, which i'm happy to give, but I'm human too, and sometimes i can't be what you want me to be. My role is mine to decide, mine to be.

It is in moments like this that i wished i lived completely alone. it's difficult to recharge around such swirling cosmos of intensity and uncertainty.

I can only further say how appreciative I am of my chance to feel normal and happy and carefree every few days. When I am with (e:paul) and (e:terry), I can feel some sense of calm, affection, fun, adventure, peace... (all very different feelings, but enjoyable none the less) even though it's not possible to completely escape my day to day problems.

Courting two men at the same time invites a whole new bevvy of complications and things to learn that i've never dealt with before, but in true Robert fashion, I notice the interesting timing of it all, the impeccable parallels between so many different things, the extraordinary opportunities, challenges, and rewards of overcoming my fears surrounding it all. Sure, I have fears, but I am doing it anyway. In my gut is "yes. do this." Nothing good ever came from ignoring my gut feelings, and i refuse to deny indulging thoughts like "what if this all works out? What if this becomes something completely amazing?" I realize that it is kind of unrealistic to expect the best, but i won't expect the worst, either. like i've been saying, i'm really trying hard not to place *any* expectations, honestly... I can't afford to, this is already a big enough step for me. but i wonder if that's the right tone to set?

No matter what happens, I am going to be fine. Whatever the situation, i manage to always land on my feet, somehow. States of grace? I don't know...

updates about the last week to come. (not like you all haven't read about most/some of it in paul's blog... haha)

Well, i had started an entry and was pretty far into it, but touched something in a strange way on my mouse pad and lost everything. hmph.

today was a long day and I'm pretty tired, but it was gorgeous out, so there was that. I had an okay shift, it just felt so long. got to work with people i really like in formal dining.

Had lots of money stress recently. I really hate thinking about money, but my checks have been so meager lately. I'm barely getting by. i don't even like talking about it, but i have to vent somehow, i just hate talking about it because i don't like for people to think that i'm being all "oh, poor me!"i'm late again with rent this month, and had to pay a lot of money to do laundry at a semi expensive laundromat on bryant the other day when i was having the bug scare. (more than 40 for all of it, plus related purchases. wtf.) it just sucks to go from 600 dollar checks during holiday season to the 112 dollar check i got last week. what the fuck am i supposed to do with 112 dollars?! it's sad, really. I feel like... aren't i supposed to be all self-sufficient or something by now? Thank you to all of the amazingly kind people in my life. you're not all reading this, but thank you anyways.

the exterminators came yesterday and found no signs of infestation, thank god, so they left. I knew i didn't have an infestation, but it helped to have someone who knows what their talking about say it.

___

monday, i got the place ready for them... cleaning, packing, clearing the clutter away... i'm irritated it was all in vain, but i'm happy knowing for sure. I had to email my professors and skip classes to get it done. I wish i'd taken pictures. I'm in the process of undoing all of that now and putting my house back together. I decided it'd be better to sleep over paul and Terry's instead on plastic, so i went there and atched a bit of walking dead with alex, casey, and terry, then did some work. it literally took me hours to finally fall asleep. among other things, i just don't think my body will ever get used to going to bed before 3 - 4 am.

Tuesday, i went to class, but on the way i realized i completely forgot my wallet at their house, so paul picked me up later and we went on some fun asian grocer adventures. I tried to find this mung bean rice cake thing, but they only had it with durian and tapioca powder instead. it was sort of similar in flavor but not really. i will have to make a trip to phu thai.

later, paul started taking apart the closet and i helped out where i could. It was fun to watch him. I waited until Terry got home before i headed out. i wanted to see him before i left to pick up the animals :) (I heard a cute thing was said!) they spent the night at my dad's... We had dinner together. it was nice, i seldom spend time with my father. we caught up on family details and happenings. i have to do that more often.

i ended up being april's partner in crime for a beer at nectar. she called me up when i got home and told me she was there by herself so obviously i had to go.

i don't even know why this is so long. at this point i'm babbling. i used to journal more to vent, but now more than anything, i'm just afraid of losing the memories. I forget so much. okay. stop. i'm done. seriously.

I got all beardy.