cross posted from LJ... I guess it doesn't matter who reads about my feelings, i assume those who would be affected see my lj anyways? so it doesn't really matter. I guess i'm worried about coming across as... crazy? lol maybe that's not the word. argh.

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these next few days are gonna be pretty busy.

tomorrow i've got class, and then work. saturday, i'm working from 10am to... probably 9 or 10 at night... sunday could possibly be skiing in the early morn, and then back to b-lo to work 3 to 10 at the adams mark... then school most of the day on monday. thank god it starts late on tuesday x_x it's not like i don't have a choice though. i choose this busy-ness i guess.

today's been interesting... I didn't have class today because i just don't on thursdays, so i went to cafe 59 for lunch with Terry and Heidi... Casey joined us later with stories of late night adventuring. :)

I felt pretty nervous. I started out being around them just being able to touch or kiss any time i wanted to, and now that i don't have that same permission it's a little difficult. It's hard to disentangle that kind of neural connection with seeing them, and quite honestly, i really don't want to.

Paul says i should just go for it, but the idea of rejection paralyzes me. Didn't he say he wasn't ready? This is so nebulous and confusing.

I can't focus on my studies at all. I feel like i'm going to do fine anyways, but it's weird to me how not-nervouse i am about school work. i don't actually have a lot to do, it's mostly all reading. i found out that i can pass my tests for contemporary science by just searching the text book pdf for the terms in each question. the test is 2 hours long so it's as if she expects us to use the book anyways. what kind of moron would take 2 hours to take this test??? there's no way this will count for a science credit at ub, lol... it's too easy.

I delivered him some coffee later, and maybe i coulda put the moves on then but i felt way too deer-in-headlights and jittery from nerves. i said it was caffeine why i spilled some of the coffee, but it was definitely nerves... and caffeine.

I feel so silly writing about all of this but in a way, it helps me communicate my feelings while escaping the scary prospects of actually saying them out loud. I'm pretty good at communicating how i feel until it gets intense, because the pressure becomes so great it just seems impossible to release them. like there'll be some explosion. Should i say it out loud? Probably. idk. *pulls hair out like crazy person*

i'm going to try again to focus on studies. Either that or pine away lol... maybe i'll cook first.

oh! I also started making kombucha again! after 3 - 4 weeks of getting a nice scoby growing in a smaller jar after i got some culture from Rita (who originally got it from me!) i transferred the living mass of goodness into a gallon pickle jar with delicious black tea.

I can't wait to share it! pretty soon, i'll be back up to 2 gallons a week, again. I missed having it around to drink all the time.



gettin' all picturey before bed. i can't wait to afford a new phone, so my pictures from the front cam aren't so grainy and crappy anymore.

I guess i have one of these too, now. :]

i'm actually kind of nervous. I'll be cross-posting everything from my own journal from now on, but do i really wanna do that? maybe there are some things i only want some people to see... i mean, my lj is public, but there are probably only 5 - 6 people that know i have it in real life.

or maybe i'll just be completely uncensored and not give one fuck? We'll see how all of this goes. starting a new blog/journal is kind of nerve wracking for me. everyone on here knows each other! i guess i'll have to get used to it.

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I had a really tired morning... i was so exhausted i didn't go to class. I was up so late last night doing everything i could think of that was within my means to help out my bug scare.

with all the lifting and moving of furniture and laundry, i was so body tired, and then after i was past the point of exhaustion i bathed the animals just to make sure i covered all my bases. they were not pleased. i just couldn't do it when i woke up... i had strange dreams all night long. it was the first time in a while that i actually remembered dreams.

I've looked around today with no sightings of any bugs alive or dead. i
also never sustained any bites, at all... I seriously think 1 or 2 just
hitched a ride with me at school or at some point the other night when i
went out. it's so weird....

work was actually pretty busy, i was running around all day. Since they've had me in formal dining, it's usually been dead, but tonight was a nice change. It sucked, though because i ended up alone at work finishing everything because everyone else just wanted to be done and leave fast... I feel like i try hard to be a team player there, but lately no one gives a fuck it seems, even if it effects someone else. any other place i wouldn't mind, but they really stress the whole team effort thing there, it's what makes it a bearable job. so when i'm helping other people all day long and then get shafted, it kind of sucks.

Even the managers left me. it's not like i was slow, there was just a ton of stuff still to be done and no one else did it and someone would have complained the next day if i hadn't done it. it was literally just me and the door man left in that entire ginormous building when i left.

boo.

tomorrow, i'm hopefully meeting alexandra at cafe 59. i was hoping for one since i found out i have to work at 4:30. hmmmm.... life.