michael got back from florida last night after being with family for just under a month... I kind of probed him a bit to see how it had gone since he wasn't exactly bursting at the seems to tell me.

as usual, he had to navigate a lot of deeply embedded emotions, and old... grudges? traumas? idk. I sensed it put him in a goodish mood to talk about/share his feelings with me, but it ended up bringing me down a bit. i love him very much as a person and i consider him like a family member now, more than anything, and i just want him to be well, and to prosper and to feel okay.

There's only so much you can do for someone as far as talking things through, but even talking about it helps a person out. it's remembering to shut up and just be understanding that can be the tricky part. I like to think i can do that, but now and again i find myself offering advice that no one asked for.

April got home and was in a fowl mood. she got demoted from manager position at work because of work politics. my heart goes out to her, but it's hard to handle all these emotions from various directions. Her and David started fighting because she wanted a glass of wine on her birthday night and he couldn't handle being around it. fun.

I just wanna write this essay but it seems like the swirling mass of details from everyone else' life and the sense of rootlessness i've had lately is just really taking me into the clouds. I'd just like to feel grounded enough in this moment to start. maybe venting this out will help.

There's just so much depression in this house... I'm not a depressive, but it really gets to me. It's hard to focus, to remember everything i'm supposed to do, and then when i mess something small up, it seems they can't handle it at all, so i have to hold myself together better than they are. It seems like my presence here only serves to be a feeling of anchor or peace, which i'm happy to give, but I'm human too, and sometimes i can't be what you want me to be. My role is mine to decide, mine to be.

It is in moments like this that i wished i lived completely alone. it's difficult to recharge around such swirling cosmos of intensity and uncertainty.

I can only further say how appreciative I am of my chance to feel normal and happy and carefree every few days. When I am with (e:paul) and (e:terry), I can feel some sense of calm, affection, fun, adventure, peace... (all very different feelings, but enjoyable none the less) even though it's not possible to completely escape my day to day problems.

Courting two men at the same time invites a whole new bevvy of complications and things to learn that i've never dealt with before, but in true Robert fashion, I notice the interesting timing of it all, the impeccable parallels between so many different things, the extraordinary opportunities, challenges, and rewards of overcoming my fears surrounding it all. Sure, I have fears, but I am doing it anyway. In my gut is "yes. do this." Nothing good ever came from ignoring my gut feelings, and i refuse to deny indulging thoughts like "what if this all works out? What if this becomes something completely amazing?" I realize that it is kind of unrealistic to expect the best, but i won't expect the worst, either. like i've been saying, i'm really trying hard not to place *any* expectations, honestly... I can't afford to, this is already a big enough step for me. but i wonder if that's the right tone to set?

No matter what happens, I am going to be fine. Whatever the situation, i manage to always land on my feet, somehow. States of grace? I don't know...

updates about the last week to come. (not like you all haven't read about most/some of it in paul's blog... haha)

busy with school things, so I'll flesh out this entry later... so behind!

• edit - 3/19/13

it's hard to remember everything but i'll do my best...

showed (e:paul) the fish market on niagara st.... everything is so cheap there. he seemed to like it! (e:terry) went with him to eat there a few days ago, actually... i think?

i ended up freaking out about this essay that i got the due date confused with something else, so it was late, but it appears my prof. is going to be fine with it. it was stupid, it was just a short research paper, but i had such academic anxiety over it. for the most part, this is my least worrisome semester yet. i'm not too concerned with how i'm doing, yet the last 3 have been hell as far as anxiety goes... idk what's up? maybe i just have other things to worry about.

we ended up going to little rock city... I had so much fun. i really am an outdoorsy person on the inside, it's just that i never had much of a chance to explore it except for when i was little. I've also never really had friends who do that sort of thing on the regular, so i didn't really know where to go or what to do. I ran around and climbed on things :) i also wrestled and had snowball fights. it was a ton of fun.

we went out to eat later.... we were so soaked and i was pretty dirty. we didn't care though! i was so inappropriately dressed... haha

Also, another thing that happened between now and then was that Tanya got a call from fedex and got the job!

Congratulations Tanya! :D It really sucked hearing she got that rejection letter... but then she got that awesome call! Kind of a tease, but she's finally getting out of 7-eleven!

Well, i had started an entry and was pretty far into it, but touched something in a strange way on my mouse pad and lost everything. hmph.

today was a long day and I'm pretty tired, but it was gorgeous out, so there was that. I had an okay shift, it just felt so long. got to work with people i really like in formal dining.

Had lots of money stress recently. I really hate thinking about money, but my checks have been so meager lately. I'm barely getting by. i don't even like talking about it, but i have to vent somehow, i just hate talking about it because i don't like for people to think that i'm being all "oh, poor me!"i'm late again with rent this month, and had to pay a lot of money to do laundry at a semi expensive laundromat on bryant the other day when i was having the bug scare. (more than 40 for all of it, plus related purchases. wtf.) it just sucks to go from 600 dollar checks during holiday season to the 112 dollar check i got last week. what the fuck am i supposed to do with 112 dollars?! it's sad, really. I feel like... aren't i supposed to be all self-sufficient or something by now? Thank you to all of the amazingly kind people in my life. you're not all reading this, but thank you anyways.

the exterminators came yesterday and found no signs of infestation, thank god, so they left. I knew i didn't have an infestation, but it helped to have someone who knows what their talking about say it.

___

monday, i got the place ready for them... cleaning, packing, clearing the clutter away... i'm irritated it was all in vain, but i'm happy knowing for sure. I had to email my professors and skip classes to get it done. I wish i'd taken pictures. I'm in the process of undoing all of that now and putting my house back together. I decided it'd be better to sleep over paul and Terry's instead on plastic, so i went there and atched a bit of walking dead with alex, casey, and terry, then did some work. it literally took me hours to finally fall asleep. among other things, i just don't think my body will ever get used to going to bed before 3 - 4 am.

Tuesday, i went to class, but on the way i realized i completely forgot my wallet at their house, so paul picked me up later and we went on some fun asian grocer adventures. I tried to find this mung bean rice cake thing, but they only had it with durian and tapioca powder instead. it was sort of similar in flavor but not really. i will have to make a trip to phu thai.

later, paul started taking apart the closet and i helped out where i could. It was fun to watch him. I waited until Terry got home before i headed out. i wanted to see him before i left to pick up the animals :) (I heard a cute thing was said!) they spent the night at my dad's... We had dinner together. it was nice, i seldom spend time with my father. we caught up on family details and happenings. i have to do that more often.

i ended up being april's partner in crime for a beer at nectar. she called me up when i got home and told me she was there by herself so obviously i had to go.

i don't even know why this is so long. at this point i'm babbling. i used to journal more to vent, but now more than anything, i'm just afraid of losing the memories. I forget so much. okay. stop. i'm done. seriously.

I got all beardy.

(cross posted from lj)

too much has happened these past few days! I'm not sure if I can even remember the proper ordering of things...

I always say it's gonna be a short entry, and then it's not but i'll give a knitty gritty run down and maybe elaborate on some things.

On friday, i came along for the ride while (e:paul) and (e:xandra) ran some quick errands. I was excited to be close to them, just hanging out and getting a little goofy in the store, but i had to get dropped off at work pretty soon...

I didn't really expect to come over that night but after texting back and forth a bit, it had been decided... Danielle was hosting that night in formal dining, and after chatting with her a while she started getting me glasses of wine on the sly... i wasn't even asking for them, she just kept feeding me alcohol, it was kind of funny. A lot of people there drink at work actually, but i really try not to do it because I'm just not sneaky or good at lying. I'm always the person who gets caught red handed doing something he's not supposed to, so i just try to avoid having a drink on the job or other stuff.... but that night it was permissible; i was a nervous bag of energy.

I was pretty tired when i got there. there were plans of going out i think, but that didn't happen... Alex went out, but we stayed in after (e:terry) 's game was over. I tried learning a bit about it while he and (e:heidi) played. Their friend was over, and I know I've met her but I can't remember her name. >_<

We went to bed shortly after. I was actually kind of nervous and fully expected to sleep on the couch or something (I was trying not to get psyched up) but in retrospect i guess that would have been dumb. It as kind of a big deal to me, but i think i kept it cool. I felt such a surge of emotion when i crawled into bed.... it was kind of overwhelming at first but i got a hold of myself without anyone noticing, and the night came to a rather nice close.

saturday i worked all day, but came back to their house in between a split shift to clean my uniform. i didn't prepare to come over because i didn't expect it, thus stinky robert occurred. after work, i came back, showered and then we went out to DBGB's for funtaimz.... they had a DnB event that night and honestly, most all of the music was great. I danced nearly the whole time i was there with some breaks to go outside or to have a drink. Terry said something pretty cute that night, and it got me all excited. He drops little things here and there, and I realize from the way he is how note worthy it is when he does.

Paul's cousin showed up that night... Erica? i think. She's a ton of fun. I invited some people myself, but i none of my friends were really out that night. We stopped at her place on the way home and i pretty much cuddled her bean bag the entire time. it was incredibly comfortable, i couldn't believe it.

we didn't end up getting into bed until after 6am... That was another really great night, too.

sunday, we just kind of lazed about and had some yummy salad and watched things and played games. it was nice. i needed a lazy day. I was supposed to go to the adams mark, but i just couldn't do it. I hate it there every time i go. They take advantage of temps. so i said fuck it. We went to the comedy night at goodbar where my friend did stand up but i completely missed it! I left my wallet at their place, so a friend had me drive her car back to get it... i guess all of the really funny acts went up first which we missed andthere was only 1 or 2 people that went up that were funny. They were all really self-deprecating, which is funny to a point, but it's kind of just an easy to go for stand-by method, and it gets old/depressing fast.

I was so incredibly tired when i get home but i stayed up late anyways because i can never sleep at a decent time and woke up completely exhausted today. I chatted with Brandy for a long time, and we exchanged sexy details and did a bit of confiding in each other. it was really nice to touch base on that.

Today, i emailed my professors because I have to miss school. I'm gonna be preparing the apartment for an extermination tomorrow. they are doing the entire house tuesday. I'm am 99.99% sure i do not have bugs and that it was just a weird chance ride-home with me thing. I saw a beetle at their house the other day that looked strikingly similar to the 2 bugs that were on me only mine were mini and reddish.

Honestly, I'm feeling pretty good about most everything right now. I'm going to just sort of take things day by day and not worry about what anything is called until that bridge is crossed. I already learned my lesson.

Time to tear my house apart and get some school work done. :D


Wish i'd taken more photos! photo credits to paul. I look so weird.

cross posted from LJ... I guess it doesn't matter who reads about my feelings, i assume those who would be affected see my lj anyways? so it doesn't really matter. I guess i'm worried about coming across as... crazy? lol maybe that's not the word. argh.

____

these next few days are gonna be pretty busy.

tomorrow i've got class, and then work. saturday, i'm working from 10am to... probably 9 or 10 at night... sunday could possibly be skiing in the early morn, and then back to b-lo to work 3 to 10 at the adams mark... then school most of the day on monday. thank god it starts late on tuesday x_x it's not like i don't have a choice though. i choose this busy-ness i guess.

today's been interesting... I didn't have class today because i just don't on thursdays, so i went to cafe 59 for lunch with Terry and Heidi... Casey joined us later with stories of late night adventuring. :)

I felt pretty nervous. I started out being around them just being able to touch or kiss any time i wanted to, and now that i don't have that same permission it's a little difficult. It's hard to disentangle that kind of neural connection with seeing them, and quite honestly, i really don't want to.

Paul says i should just go for it, but the idea of rejection paralyzes me. Didn't he say he wasn't ready? This is so nebulous and confusing.

I can't focus on my studies at all. I feel like i'm going to do fine anyways, but it's weird to me how not-nervouse i am about school work. i don't actually have a lot to do, it's mostly all reading. i found out that i can pass my tests for contemporary science by just searching the text book pdf for the terms in each question. the test is 2 hours long so it's as if she expects us to use the book anyways. what kind of moron would take 2 hours to take this test??? there's no way this will count for a science credit at ub, lol... it's too easy.

I delivered him some coffee later, and maybe i coulda put the moves on then but i felt way too deer-in-headlights and jittery from nerves. i said it was caffeine why i spilled some of the coffee, but it was definitely nerves... and caffeine.

I feel so silly writing about all of this but in a way, it helps me communicate my feelings while escaping the scary prospects of actually saying them out loud. I'm pretty good at communicating how i feel until it gets intense, because the pressure becomes so great it just seems impossible to release them. like there'll be some explosion. Should i say it out loud? Probably. idk. *pulls hair out like crazy person*

i'm going to try again to focus on studies. Either that or pine away lol... maybe i'll cook first.

oh! I also started making kombucha again! after 3 - 4 weeks of getting a nice scoby growing in a smaller jar after i got some culture from Rita (who originally got it from me!) i transferred the living mass of goodness into a gallon pickle jar with delicious black tea.

I can't wait to share it! pretty soon, i'll be back up to 2 gallons a week, again. I missed having it around to drink all the time.



gettin' all picturey before bed. i can't wait to afford a new phone, so my pictures from the front cam aren't so grainy and crappy anymore.