- Z

It's a True Fact that before 2011 we'll each be called before a Nazi Death Panel. This is a democratic country but the legislation is shaping up fast, so now is the time to weigh in: who first? I'll compile our answers and send them to our representatives.

I'll start us off: I think the first people they should kill is the kind of person who offer unsolicited opinions on groups of people to kill. You know the kind- they start a conversation with 'When I take over the world, first thing I'll do is kill all the--' These people are always insufferably boring, and a world full of them is not worth living in. Now I hear you saying: 'Didn't you just offer an unsolicited opinion on groups of people to kill?' To which I say: 'I'm a patriot, baby. You're welcome.'

Second group: anyone with a rubber scrotum on their car.

Bonus question: what method should the Nazi Death Panels employ to reap their grim harvest? I'm thinkin' meat slicer.

- Z

Nicolas Cage: is he reallly a bad actor? Or is he a so-so actor who gets cast in a whole lot of really dumb movies?

Exhibit A: Face/Off, which is a really dumb movie wherein Nicolas Cage plays John Travolta and John Travolta plays Nicolas Cage,* allows us to measure his performance directly against a known-terrible control.

Discuss.

- Z

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• 'How can we make this even more ridiculous?'

More likely than not, you didn't really want to know. Click 'play' and get what you deserve:



Don't mind me, I'm just going to go over here and be a nun now.

- Z

Just spent a week hiding out in the woods with a bunch of people who were not really pretending to be pirates . Oddly enough, I probably had the most actual pirate cred among the group, having been running rum across the border the same day that I arrived .

Some poor fucker brought a handle of Old Grand-Dad to the camp which we had to dispose of. It's a testament to the perseverance of the human spirit that the bottle was already half-empty when I got there one week into the event, but with one day left before packing up, we needed to figure something out. Enter (e:dragonlady7) and the #1 invention of the year: The Old Granddadtini*. Using several cans of Dr Pepper, a few bottles of sparkling cider, a fair amount of sour mix, and a smattering of triple sec, brandy, Mountain Dew, and anything else we needed to get rid of, she bent the laws of space-time physics to make Old Grand-Dad palatable --nay, delicious-- to enough people that we finished the bottle in only a couple of hours. The bartender was offering free upgrades to the Ballsacktini, which someone jokingly ordered and inadvertently received. Upon finding out, he drank the whole thing out of spite.

Another night, one of the tiki torches we used to light the road got busted and, with the help of a rubber band and a bottle of Stella, turned into Best Invention #2, the Beeki Torch. It earns points for majestic splendor, but loses points for practicality.

Deciding that there were too many Daves in camp [two], we founded the House of Daves. Our coat of arms [still under development] is Dave rampant sinister, Dave drinking dexter, beeki torches supporting. We have no constitution, but we have a number of amendments that start at number three because one and two seemed too important to use right away. I guess it doesn't matter because I can't remember them anyway. We also have the House of Daves Ladies Auxiliary which historically predates the House of Daves itself. And, using the closest item available [a monk-shaped dildo], we dubbed a knight John Henry David of the House of Daves based on his outstanding service to the Ladies Auxiliary [back massages].

Thus was a good time had by all. I'm glad I have the weekend to recuperate.

- Z

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• People would stop by our bar and ask for some ridiculous *tini drink. The bartender on duty would remind them that this was a pirate bar, and thus lacked things like Midori, Malibu, &c., whereupon they would ask for a Sex on the Beach. Hence the name.