Today I found out that my ex-girlfriend got married, which is something that shouldn't bother me in the least, but for some reason I still feel sad about it. This is the girl that I've documented in the past in my journal, the one who pretty much ripped my heart out, cheated on me, etc. - really there should be no love lost but the news reminds me of how much of a colossal failure I really have been with ladies. Back then I was just "too nice" if that makes any sense. I let her walk all over me to an extent. Why I'm sharing one of the things I'm most ashamed of with you, I don't know, but I suppose this whole thing is an illustration of how mad at myself I am for letting someone get that far into me. This girl twisted me in knots! I'd rather jump out of a window than go through that again, but living is kind of sweet too, so what is a boy to do? This is the last girl I called my girlfriend and it's been about five years since I did anything other than "casual relations" so I suppose I've adjusted by just not letting anyone in at all.
If I'm being 100% stone cold honest with myself, despite all the stuff she put me through, I'd still be her friend and give her an ear if she needed it. I wish it weren't true and I hate myself for even having this sentiment, gotta tell you. The person singly responsible for the most pain I've ever dealt with, and I don't have it in me to hate her or never speak to her again. What the hell? I know that if I were listening to myself talk from the outside, I'd be saying "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR FEELING THAT WAY JOSH!" The guy she left me for was a real piece of work - locked her out of the house in the middle of winter, "allegedly" used his hands on her, etc. My spiteful side says that she deserves what she has - if that is what she wants then that is what she'll get. But I'm not living my life with spite - life is short and spite is poisonous.
In the end I think the reason why this news took me aback was because the whole episode reminds me of how for the first time in my life my judgment failed me, how I failed myself, that sometimes being wrong has deep personal consequences that aren't easily dealt with. At least I stopped asking myself silly introspective questions a few years ago. I accept part of the blame for the predicament I was in - I know both Ho sisters, had they been there, might have told me I was a pussy - and the bright side is that I learned what I don't want in a girl!
Joshua's Journal
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01/05/2009 15:02 #47287
Grlz R Stoopid - A Larson Tragedy01/02/2009 19:01 #47257
Favorite Pictures of 2008Some of my favorite pictures from the past year -
Walking home drunk from Fahrety's the evening of Taste of Buffalo... that Saturday is was 95 degrees outside.
My brother and my friend Andy, I can't explain what the object of attention was here.
Me, surveying my friend Walt and his gelato at Taste of Buffalo.
Me, and my extraordinarily good looking friends Andy and Jerry, followed by my kinfolk (e:jason), who is a fine mamma jamma in his own right.
Me and one of the statues on Elmwood... I was tanked.
My friend Andrea with the same statue...
Walking home drunk from Fahrety's the evening of Taste of Buffalo... that Saturday is was 95 degrees outside.
My brother and my friend Andy, I can't explain what the object of attention was here.
Me, surveying my friend Walt and his gelato at Taste of Buffalo.
Me, and my extraordinarily good looking friends Andy and Jerry, followed by my kinfolk (e:jason), who is a fine mamma jamma in his own right.
Me and one of the statues on Elmwood... I was tanked.
My friend Andrea with the same statue...
james - 01/03/09 12:52
So, in your best photos of 2008 you are smashed in each.
I think you have a drinking problem sir and this is an intervention.
So, in your best photos of 2008 you are smashed in each.
I think you have a drinking problem sir and this is an intervention.
01/02/2009 14:42 #47253
TodayToday's Events
I think thus far today has been a success. Depending, of course, if you define success by running into (e:lee), Rory and (e:ladycroft)! They caught me looking rough and doing my normal day off routine, which is to stumble over to Spot not too long after I've gotten up and grab a coffee. It was a pleasant surprise indeed.
The part about (e:strip) which I think may be unusual for people being introduced to the site is the concept that even mundane things in your life end up being documented, and thus you find yourself being spoken of in reference or in passing. Or someone reminds you of something you wrote in a journal, thus waking you up to the realization that there are some people that remember aspects of your life that you do not. That can be a bit of an uncomfortable thing, but for me I don't particularly care - there is very little that I wouldn't say in person that I wouldn't share here. Just an observation that crossed my mind during the party. By the way, it was incredible to see so many people from out of town, including those I haven't seen in a few years! There was one in particular that I didn't recognize at first thanks to the stuff in my system at the time, and when someone said her full name I felt so embarrassed. She's an incredibly cool girl that I met at one of the first (e:strip) parties I attended, and had I put two and two together I would have had a thousand questions about San Diego for her. I'm sorry (e:iriesara)! It was nice to see you and to meet your manfriend.
What Is New In Josh's Life
Books, mainly. I'm still working through the stuff I'm reading (mainly Cormac McCarthy and Kerouac). I think I have a problem with buying books - the list of books I want to buy and read is so long that I think I'm making my reading list for the next two years. Anyway, I most recently purchased Kerouac's Old Angel Midnight, which is a collection of unique prose poetry written in small notebooks during 1956-1959. (I'm finishing collecting all of the Kerouac books I want to read). What makes this collection unique, and maybe a little puzzling, is that there is no narrative in the prose, no general sense of movement - it is a huge prose poem that reflects the words flowing through the author's head as he hears the noises coming in off of the street through his window. The result is mystifying and strangely beautiful, if not a little crazy sounding when you read it out loud.
I think thus far today has been a success. Depending, of course, if you define success by running into (e:lee), Rory and (e:ladycroft)! They caught me looking rough and doing my normal day off routine, which is to stumble over to Spot not too long after I've gotten up and grab a coffee. It was a pleasant surprise indeed.
The part about (e:strip) which I think may be unusual for people being introduced to the site is the concept that even mundane things in your life end up being documented, and thus you find yourself being spoken of in reference or in passing. Or someone reminds you of something you wrote in a journal, thus waking you up to the realization that there are some people that remember aspects of your life that you do not. That can be a bit of an uncomfortable thing, but for me I don't particularly care - there is very little that I wouldn't say in person that I wouldn't share here. Just an observation that crossed my mind during the party. By the way, it was incredible to see so many people from out of town, including those I haven't seen in a few years! There was one in particular that I didn't recognize at first thanks to the stuff in my system at the time, and when someone said her full name I felt so embarrassed. She's an incredibly cool girl that I met at one of the first (e:strip) parties I attended, and had I put two and two together I would have had a thousand questions about San Diego for her. I'm sorry (e:iriesara)! It was nice to see you and to meet your manfriend.
What Is New In Josh's Life
Books, mainly. I'm still working through the stuff I'm reading (mainly Cormac McCarthy and Kerouac). I think I have a problem with buying books - the list of books I want to buy and read is so long that I think I'm making my reading list for the next two years. Anyway, I most recently purchased Kerouac's Old Angel Midnight, which is a collection of unique prose poetry written in small notebooks during 1956-1959. (I'm finishing collecting all of the Kerouac books I want to read). What makes this collection unique, and maybe a little puzzling, is that there is no narrative in the prose, no general sense of movement - it is a huge prose poem that reflects the words flowing through the author's head as he hears the noises coming in off of the street through his window. The result is mystifying and strangely beautiful, if not a little crazy sounding when you read it out loud.
iriesara - 01/07/09 13:53
well I'm obviously behind in reading journals....
it was nice to see you again also Josh, thanks for the sweet compliments! Drop me an email anytime if you've got questions about San Diego, it's a pretty awesome place to live, that is, if incessant sunshine doesn't bother you (to me it gets old quick).
Oh, in regards to your recent post about the ex-chick, I think the fact that you would still be there for her shows that your love was real. Hers may have not been, but you can't do anything about that. It doesn't make you a pussy, it makes you a man. Hiding from your feelings and acting macho makes you a pussy. Having true feelings that aren't necessarily good for you is part of being a grown-up...granted, it's one of the parts that suck (that, and bill-paying).
At the very least you know that you were acting from the heart, which can require a lot of courage. All you can take with you from any relationship is yourself, scarred and changed though it may be. But if you followed what was right in your heart, you can't regret; it's a small consolation, but we gotta take 'em where we can get 'em! take care
well I'm obviously behind in reading journals....
it was nice to see you again also Josh, thanks for the sweet compliments! Drop me an email anytime if you've got questions about San Diego, it's a pretty awesome place to live, that is, if incessant sunshine doesn't bother you (to me it gets old quick).
Oh, in regards to your recent post about the ex-chick, I think the fact that you would still be there for her shows that your love was real. Hers may have not been, but you can't do anything about that. It doesn't make you a pussy, it makes you a man. Hiding from your feelings and acting macho makes you a pussy. Having true feelings that aren't necessarily good for you is part of being a grown-up...granted, it's one of the parts that suck (that, and bill-paying).
At the very least you know that you were acting from the heart, which can require a lot of courage. All you can take with you from any relationship is yourself, scarred and changed though it may be. But if you followed what was right in your heart, you can't regret; it's a small consolation, but we gotta take 'em where we can get 'em! take care
12/30/2008 13:00 #47220
Cat HumorBecause this is the sort of mindless thing that makes our culture famous -
Ninja Cat Very famous video from this year, with Hitchcockian sound added. The cat moves... but doesn't move... sneaky little freak!
Idiot Cat Mistakes Himself for Enemy, Dives Headfirst Into Mirror Self-explanatory.
Ninja Cat Very famous video from this year, with Hitchcockian sound added. The cat moves... but doesn't move... sneaky little freak!
Idiot Cat Mistakes Himself for Enemy, Dives Headfirst Into Mirror Self-explanatory.
12/29/2008 15:53 #47212
Dangerous American CitiesToday I was thinking about some of the cities where I felt were the most dangerous I've visited... a perception vs. reality study, if you will. Count Buffalo in the mix, by the way. This data comes off of Wiki's crime stats page 
- it should be noted that the crime stats are voluntarily reported, which is to say that they are likely higher than what is reported.
Based on federal data from calendar year 2007, per 100,000 residents:
Buffalo, NY - Population 273,832 (66th among large US cities)
Violent Crime - 15th (comparable to DC - Chicago didn't report data on violent crime!)
Property Crime - 20th (comparable city of disrepute - Oakland, CA)
Murder/Negligent Manslaughter - 10th (higher than Miami, Chicago, Memphis)
Forcible Rape - 17th
Robbery - 15th (in between Dallas and Chicago)
20th - Aggravated Assault (higher than Chicago, DC)
14th - Burglary
11th - Larceny-theft
32nd - Motor Vehicle Theft (more profitable in better weather)
26th - Arson
Buffalo outranked Boston, Newark, NYC, Chicago, Houston and Los Angeles in every crime category except for the following: Boston (aggravated assault, 13th), Newark (murder and auto theft, both 4th), Houston (auto theft 24th, arson 21st).
That's right - Newark, NJ - regularly considered the armpit of the east and one of the most latently dangerous cities in America, is reported to have 30% less violent crime, 60% less rapes, 25% less robberies, 30% less aggravated assaults, 30% less property crime, almost 3x less burglaries and half the larceny than what we have in Buffalo. Don't worry though - you are "only" twice as likely to get murdered in Newark, and are twice as likely to have your ride "borrowed" for a while. So, in my final estimation, either Buffalo is significantly more dangerous than Newark, NJ and the biggest cities in America (per 100,000) or the stats volunteered by the cities are downplayed to a criminal degree.
Don't forget - as a policy our city doesn't inform its citizens on a regular basis when crimes occur in your area unless they feel like it. And by your area I mean down the block. Cheers! *clink* (and no, the clink might not have been your window being cut by a glass cutter)
Remember all this the next time the city spends your tax dollars on stuff like $50,000 cameras, which have yielded no tangible improvement on your safety, but make you "feel better" depending on the neighborhood you are in. And I'll be the last guy to complain about pay for cops, but in the past year we've had a cop "allegedly" try to defraud our car insurer, and looking at the crime statistics you are DAMN RIGHT that they should be held to scrutiny. If you want to cry about what you're being paid, then you are god damn right that I want to see what it is that you're doing to justify those tears.
Here is the question - based on the crime stats (and stats aren't everything until its you that gets hurt) is the tax money you are shelling out for often grandiose police salaries and benefits worth what it is that you are getting back in terms of public safety? The answer is no. In the end is all proportional but when New York and LA's proportional crime rate is lower than yours in Buffalo, something is wrong and it isn't the way the stats are being tabulated.
- it should be noted that the crime stats are voluntarily reported, which is to say that they are likely higher than what is reported.Based on federal data from calendar year 2007, per 100,000 residents:
Buffalo, NY - Population 273,832 (66th among large US cities)
Violent Crime - 15th (comparable to DC - Chicago didn't report data on violent crime!)
Property Crime - 20th (comparable city of disrepute - Oakland, CA)
Murder/Negligent Manslaughter - 10th (higher than Miami, Chicago, Memphis)
Forcible Rape - 17th
Robbery - 15th (in between Dallas and Chicago)
20th - Aggravated Assault (higher than Chicago, DC)
14th - Burglary
11th - Larceny-theft
32nd - Motor Vehicle Theft (more profitable in better weather)
26th - Arson
Buffalo outranked Boston, Newark, NYC, Chicago, Houston and Los Angeles in every crime category except for the following: Boston (aggravated assault, 13th), Newark (murder and auto theft, both 4th), Houston (auto theft 24th, arson 21st).
That's right - Newark, NJ - regularly considered the armpit of the east and one of the most latently dangerous cities in America, is reported to have 30% less violent crime, 60% less rapes, 25% less robberies, 30% less aggravated assaults, 30% less property crime, almost 3x less burglaries and half the larceny than what we have in Buffalo. Don't worry though - you are "only" twice as likely to get murdered in Newark, and are twice as likely to have your ride "borrowed" for a while. So, in my final estimation, either Buffalo is significantly more dangerous than Newark, NJ and the biggest cities in America (per 100,000) or the stats volunteered by the cities are downplayed to a criminal degree.
Don't forget - as a policy our city doesn't inform its citizens on a regular basis when crimes occur in your area unless they feel like it. And by your area I mean down the block. Cheers! *clink* (and no, the clink might not have been your window being cut by a glass cutter)
Remember all this the next time the city spends your tax dollars on stuff like $50,000 cameras, which have yielded no tangible improvement on your safety, but make you "feel better" depending on the neighborhood you are in. And I'll be the last guy to complain about pay for cops, but in the past year we've had a cop "allegedly" try to defraud our car insurer, and looking at the crime statistics you are DAMN RIGHT that they should be held to scrutiny. If you want to cry about what you're being paid, then you are god damn right that I want to see what it is that you're doing to justify those tears.
Here is the question - based on the crime stats (and stats aren't everything until its you that gets hurt) is the tax money you are shelling out for often grandiose police salaries and benefits worth what it is that you are getting back in terms of public safety? The answer is no. In the end is all proportional but when New York and LA's proportional crime rate is lower than yours in Buffalo, something is wrong and it isn't the way the stats are being tabulated.
hodown - 12/30/08 11:52
I would have never thought that. People in my neighborhood refer to Newark as "the war zone" and a general rule of thumb is don't go there unless necessary.
I would have never thought that. People in my neighborhood refer to Newark as "the war zone" and a general rule of thumb is don't go there unless necessary.
drew - 12/30/08 00:20
I believe police should be well paid. I don't know what Buffalo cops make though, to I can't comment on it.
That being said, I think that our tax dollars are better spent preventing crime in ways other than police/cameras--things like smart planning (thanks (e:james)).
I've read the stats. I've heard the stories, but I still feel safe. I guess I'm naive.
I believe police should be well paid. I don't know what Buffalo cops make though, to I can't comment on it.
That being said, I think that our tax dollars are better spent preventing crime in ways other than police/cameras--things like smart planning (thanks (e:james)).
I've read the stats. I've heard the stories, but I still feel safe. I guess I'm naive.
heidi - 12/29/08 23:08
I checked it out a little - there's no one easy-to-access, up-to-date source for that data.
Here's some 2000 data that allows you to search by state & agency with >100 sworn officers:
:::link:::
Buffalo has 32 sworn officers per 10,000
Rochester ditto
Syracuse 33
Newark, NJ 54
DC 63
Here's an old report on the # of cops per 10,000 in the 25 largest cities:
:::link::: (1996 data)
I checked it out a little - there's no one easy-to-access, up-to-date source for that data.
Here's some 2000 data that allows you to search by state & agency with >100 sworn officers:
:::link:::
Buffalo has 32 sworn officers per 10,000
Rochester ditto
Syracuse 33
Newark, NJ 54
DC 63
Here's an old report on the # of cops per 10,000 in the 25 largest cities:
:::link::: (1996 data)
james - 12/29/08 21:48
Crime is indelibly linked to poverty. Shitty ass city planning has left half the city a sprawling slum and is where, I am willing to bet, the lion's share of crimes are committed. But, UB is in Amherst, we can't get a fucking box store to move in downtown after ten years of negotiations, and highways segregate the safe white neighborhoods from the bad black neighborhoods.
We shit on our dinner plate and they cringe when we have to eat it.
Crime is indelibly linked to poverty. Shitty ass city planning has left half the city a sprawling slum and is where, I am willing to bet, the lion's share of crimes are committed. But, UB is in Amherst, we can't get a fucking box store to move in downtown after ten years of negotiations, and highways segregate the safe white neighborhoods from the bad black neighborhoods.
We shit on our dinner plate and they cringe when we have to eat it.
joshua - 12/29/08 18:34
lol @ Ajay... too true. I haven't been to the MojaveExperiment site yet, although by my own admission I don't know if/when I'd ever switch personally. I'm most inclined to get a Mac next, but even then I know I'd want Windoze/Mac OS dual boot. I think I've been conditioned, possibly.
(e:heidi) - I wish I knew that. It would be most relevant.
lol @ Ajay... too true. I haven't been to the MojaveExperiment site yet, although by my own admission I don't know if/when I'd ever switch personally. I'm most inclined to get a Mac next, but even then I know I'd want Windoze/Mac OS dual boot. I think I've been conditioned, possibly.
(e:heidi) - I wish I knew that. It would be most relevant.
ajay - 12/29/08 17:30
I call shenanigans!
Redmond, WA is listed near the bottom; that can't be right! It's the headquarters of the world's biggest criminal empire.
Plus, every time you buy a Windows box, you get raped.
I call shenanigans!
Redmond, WA is listed near the bottom; that can't be right! It's the headquarters of the world's biggest criminal empire.
Plus, every time you buy a Windows box, you get raped.
heidi - 12/29/08 16:28
Just curious - are there stats about # of police officers per 100,000 residents?
Just curious - are there stats about # of police officers per 100,000 residents?
With I had this network when my divorce imploded. Pain would have still been huge but at least pretty women would have brought me cookies
Correction: We *might* have told you that you were being a pussy but then we would have given you a hug, made you cookies and gotten you drunk.
I feel really bad that this happened to you, you clearly didn't deserve any of that. Not that this helps but I think that some of the most heart wrenching situations are the same situations that help you grow the most as a person.
Ok enough Doctor Phil for today..
Oh joshy.... I feel ya... on many levels.
But for what it's worth, I think the fact that you'd still be there for her in a pinch makes you a stand-up guy, not a pussy.
At least, I hope that's what it makes you, because I know I'd do the same.
Ahh, yes... Been there. Done that. Valuable lessons learned.
:::link:::