So... I'm in NYC, woohoo!!

My hotel room is very weird. It has a full kitchen.
And the wi-fi (which is NOT FREE) sucks ass. It keeps dropping the connection, and when it is connected, every third thing I click sends me back to the splash screen, and when it DOES connect successfully, it's like slower than dial-up. For example, two pix (one 43K and one 68K haven't uploaded in like 3 minutes.)

But I went to an awesome show last night- The Hold Steady *AND* The Drive-By Truckers. (pix below)

And I'm about to go meet (e:hodown) for drinks.

And... I've been talking to a cute boy... so that's all promising.

but...

I'm so mad at myself.

Today is (would be) Dan and my one year anniversary. So... of course he crossed my mind.

And I broke down and sent him a text. I have deleted him from my phone, but there are still texts I can respond to, b/c I just can't bring myself to delete it. It's every text we've exchanged since MARCH- there are 1500. I can't throw that away... it's all that's left of 'us'.

But I just said "we've known each other a year today. Hope you're doing well."

No "i love you" no 'i miss you' no 'happy anniversary' no 'call me'.

So the plan was to send that, and then delete it altogether, so that the only way I could contact him ever again would be if he responded.

I probably shouldn't have even sent that, but there's just no way I couldn't.

But that wasn't too bad.

The bad part is that... I called him. I think out of some weird morbid curiosity... I wanted to prove to myself that he wouldn't answer... so that would reinforce that he doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and to make it easier to delete him.

But... he answered.
Shit!!
and I didn't even know what to say. He was perfectly nice... asked how I'd been doing... i told him I'm in NYC. He made fun of me for calling HIM, where there are "so many more interesting people in NY" I said I just wanted to say hi... he said 'oh yeah I got your text'. And he said it was nice to hear from me, it had been a while. I said "well... you asked me never to talk to you again". And he just laughed. And then said he had to go since he was in a store. And I don't know if he said "good to talk to you" or "talk to you soon", but that was that.

Ughhh...

I shouldn't have done that.

I think I have to re-delete him.

And remember this potential new cute boy.

B/c I have been (HAD been) making progress on the Dan front.

I'm finally kind of accepting that no matter what his reasons are, and whether or not I like them, or agree with them, or even BELIEVE him- that I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. That's the bottom line. He says he doesn't want me. That should be all that matters. (But then he says he loves me, so that fucks it all up.)


ugh ugh ugh ugh

I suck

ok, time for drinks with (e:hodown), yay!

I do.
I miss him.

It's been over a week since we had any contact. I've deleted him from my phone etc etc etc.... but I have to say, deep down I sort of thought I'd get a drunk dial or something. But no. It made me feel better to think that this is just as hard for him as it is for me, and that he misses me too... but... maybe I'm totally wrong.

I know he didn't always treat me right, and I deserve someone who does, blah blah blah...
But...
That doesn't make it any less sad.
And it's not like he's the only one that made any mistakes- I had my share.

Because at times it sucked, sure.
But it was also the happiest I've ever been.

And I'm really trying to 'be good', b/c during our last conversation, he warned me that it's up to me and 'how I handle this' to determine whether I go down as "great girl, sorry it didn't work out" vs "psycho ex, good riddance."

Blah.
I was going to write a whole big thing about match.com.... but now I don't feel like it.

I don't know why I'm randomly awake at 430. When I *need* to get up at 430 (i.e. almost every day) I can't, and now I'm up for no reason? Guess I'll try to go back to sleep.

:(

I guess I should know better, but i'm just astounded at how differently different news outlets report the news.

For example: NYTimes.com says Obama has 83 electoral votes, and McCain has 8. It shows NY as ZERO PERCENT reported (after all, the polls closed like ten minutes ago), and they haven't assigned it a color yet.

MSNBC on the other hand says it 195 to 85, and has given NY to Obama.

I mean it's just splitting hairs at this point, and I'm sure NYT will catch up to MSNBC with the same outcome- I just find it funny how different the two are.

Damn media elite...

Well, that was amazingly easy...

And I have to thank google maps... there's a "find your polling place" section now, and it led me to a link of 'helpful tips' that said 10-1130am and like 2-4pm are the less busy times to vote... I had been planning on getting up super early to go at 6, even though I have the day off...

But instead I went at 11, and there were 3 people in front of me. I was Voter 99 at my booth, but the other districts around me were in the 200-300 range. My landlord (who lives downstairs) said he went first thing, and there were 75 people in line in front of him.

In any case... I'm glad that was easy. I was expecting to wait for hours. :)

Now just to wait for the results.

So... a month or so ago I went to dinner with a bunch of people... met the woman sitting next to me for the first time, and spent most of the night commiserating over the fact that 'men suck'- she having recently been through a breakup, and myself on the verge.

There is also a friend of mine... who I have sort of always had a bit of a crush on... well he started dating someone... who at first I hated, just b/c she took him off the market. But then I actually got to know her a little, and realized I like her.

Well, since then, they've broken up. (her doing.)

And I felt like eating out. So I rounded up the woman from paragraph one, and the guy from paragraph two, and we went out to dinner. Intended as a 'friends go to dinner', but I also knew it had the potential to be an "all three of us just got dumped" bitch session.

So we went to Mulberry's for dinner. off off off the beaten path in Lackawanna, but delicious.

Then we were going to get an after dinner drink. But the other woman decided she had to get to bed. So the guy and I went for a drink. Which turned into a few. Including several random "hey I know you" moments for him- I forgot he's a bit of a local celebrity. I asked him "is that flattering, or annoying?" and he said the 'hey I know you, can I buy you a drink?' and a handshake is flattering. The drunken "let me tell you my life history by the way did i tell you you're amazing?" is annoying.

Anyway, so we had a couple drinks, and then hit the last bar, since he knows the bartender... and as we approached the door he said "oh and XX (the ex) is here." I said "is that good or bad?" (giving him a chance to back out since we hadn't opened the door yet) and he said "oh no it's fine." So we went in... said hi to her... ordered our beer... she then went outside... he had to follow her...

Ugh, how awkward!!! I mean, he and I have been friends for years. But I'm sure it looked strange from her end, to have him show up with just me, so soon after their breakup....

Hopefully I'm overreacting.

and drunken point #2- I hate this election.
I hate the fact that I am made to feel guilty if I am not super pro-Obama.
I am almost ashamed to admit that I do not want "GOBAMA!" stickers on my car.
I mean yeah he's black and that's amazing and revolutionary and all that... but does that in itself mean he's capable/prepared of running our country??
And then there's the added factor that NOT voting for him makes me look racist. there's more to it than race. Sure, he wants "change", but that's so easy to say....
I just don't know what to do. I don't LOVE Obama. I don't HATE McCain. But... Sarah Palin scares the bejeezus out of me. And the right wing republicans scare the crap out of me too, and I really don't want to be associated with them...

But have you noticed that anti-McCain jokes are totally ok and accepted, but if you dare criticize obama you are some racist bigot who thinks poor people should just die?

Part of me hopes that mccain wins just so the holier than thou obama fanatics will put a sock in it.

PART of me.

Ugh. This is why I avoid politics as much as possible.

Fuck. I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'll avoid the subject altogether and vote libertarian. Josh, Jason, where are you when I need you?