well, I did it.
I had hoped that our little chat last night could let me 'end on a high note' or whatever.
but apparently that's not how he wants to play the game.
So, I am resisting the urge to say something nasty to him, and instead have removed him from my life as much as possible.
deleted him from my phone, and also all texts, recent calls, and voicemails. Will archive emails when I get home. It was very hard to delete all the "I love you" voicemails, but I did it.
Went to facebook and untagged him from all photos, and deleted everything I ever wrote on his wall, on his pictures, etc. Deleted him from my 'mob' on 'mob wars' (which is actually probably the only thing he MIGHT notice). Deleted all our mutual friends that are really just his friends, and finally blocked him from seeing my profile. Unfortunately i can't block myself from seeing his, but I'll just have to resist.
Short of that men in black mind zapper thing, that's all I can do.
I'm not trying to be vengeful and spiteful, but for my own sanity I need to close that chapter and move on.
Now if I can just lose the 20lb I gained while dating him, my life will be back on track. ;)
Oh and I finally got the pix to post in my previous post- check 'em out!
Jenks's Journal
My Podcast Link
11/08/2008 06:11 #46600
update11/07/2008 17:53 #46593
dammit, I'm so weak!!So... I'm in NYC, woohoo!!
My hotel room is very weird. It has a full kitchen.
And the wi-fi (which is NOT FREE) sucks ass. It keeps dropping the connection, and when it is connected, every third thing I click sends me back to the splash screen, and when it DOES connect successfully, it's like slower than dial-up. For example, two pix (one 43K and one 68K haven't uploaded in like 3 minutes.)
But I went to an awesome show last night- The Hold Steady *AND* The Drive-By Truckers. (pix below)
And I'm about to go meet (e:hodown) for drinks.
And... I've been talking to a cute boy... so that's all promising.
but...
I'm so mad at myself.
Today is (would be) Dan and my one year anniversary. So... of course he crossed my mind.
And I broke down and sent him a text. I have deleted him from my phone, but there are still texts I can respond to, b/c I just can't bring myself to delete it. It's every text we've exchanged since MARCH- there are 1500. I can't throw that away... it's all that's left of 'us'.
But I just said "we've known each other a year today. Hope you're doing well."
No "i love you" no 'i miss you' no 'happy anniversary' no 'call me'.
So the plan was to send that, and then delete it altogether, so that the only way I could contact him ever again would be if he responded.
I probably shouldn't have even sent that, but there's just no way I couldn't.
But that wasn't too bad.
The bad part is that... I called him. I think out of some weird morbid curiosity... I wanted to prove to myself that he wouldn't answer... so that would reinforce that he doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and to make it easier to delete him.
But... he answered.
Shit!!
and I didn't even know what to say. He was perfectly nice... asked how I'd been doing... i told him I'm in NYC. He made fun of me for calling HIM, where there are "so many more interesting people in NY" I said I just wanted to say hi... he said 'oh yeah I got your text'. And he said it was nice to hear from me, it had been a while. I said "well... you asked me never to talk to you again". And he just laughed. And then said he had to go since he was in a store. And I don't know if he said "good to talk to you" or "talk to you soon", but that was that.
Ughhh...
I shouldn't have done that.
I think I have to re-delete him.
And remember this potential new cute boy.
B/c I have been (HAD been) making progress on the Dan front.
I'm finally kind of accepting that no matter what his reasons are, and whether or not I like them, or agree with them, or even BELIEVE him- that I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. That's the bottom line. He says he doesn't want me. That should be all that matters. (But then he says he loves me, so that fucks it all up.)
ugh ugh ugh ugh
I suck
ok, time for drinks with (e:hodown), yay!
My hotel room is very weird. It has a full kitchen.
And the wi-fi (which is NOT FREE) sucks ass. It keeps dropping the connection, and when it is connected, every third thing I click sends me back to the splash screen, and when it DOES connect successfully, it's like slower than dial-up. For example, two pix (one 43K and one 68K haven't uploaded in like 3 minutes.)
But I went to an awesome show last night- The Hold Steady *AND* The Drive-By Truckers. (pix below)
And I'm about to go meet (e:hodown) for drinks.
And... I've been talking to a cute boy... so that's all promising.
but...
I'm so mad at myself.
Today is (would be) Dan and my one year anniversary. So... of course he crossed my mind.
And I broke down and sent him a text. I have deleted him from my phone, but there are still texts I can respond to, b/c I just can't bring myself to delete it. It's every text we've exchanged since MARCH- there are 1500. I can't throw that away... it's all that's left of 'us'.
But I just said "we've known each other a year today. Hope you're doing well."
No "i love you" no 'i miss you' no 'happy anniversary' no 'call me'.
So the plan was to send that, and then delete it altogether, so that the only way I could contact him ever again would be if he responded.
I probably shouldn't have even sent that, but there's just no way I couldn't.
But that wasn't too bad.
The bad part is that... I called him. I think out of some weird morbid curiosity... I wanted to prove to myself that he wouldn't answer... so that would reinforce that he doesn't ever want to talk to me again, and to make it easier to delete him.
But... he answered.
Shit!!
and I didn't even know what to say. He was perfectly nice... asked how I'd been doing... i told him I'm in NYC. He made fun of me for calling HIM, where there are "so many more interesting people in NY" I said I just wanted to say hi... he said 'oh yeah I got your text'. And he said it was nice to hear from me, it had been a while. I said "well... you asked me never to talk to you again". And he just laughed. And then said he had to go since he was in a store. And I don't know if he said "good to talk to you" or "talk to you soon", but that was that.
Ughhh...
I shouldn't have done that.
I think I have to re-delete him.
And remember this potential new cute boy.
B/c I have been (HAD been) making progress on the Dan front.
I'm finally kind of accepting that no matter what his reasons are, and whether or not I like them, or agree with them, or even BELIEVE him- that I shouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. That's the bottom line. He says he doesn't want me. That should be all that matters. (But then he says he loves me, so that fucks it all up.)
ugh ugh ugh ugh
I suck
ok, time for drinks with (e:hodown), yay!
tinypliny - 11/09/08 19:02
That last photo is oh-so-sci-fi-tastic.
That last photo is oh-so-sci-fi-tastic.
metalpeter - 11/07/08 19:23
Hope you are having a great time in NYC, it feels weird to say I hope You find some young stud to use for his body but hey go for it. Hope you have a great time.
In terms of Dan I don't know really what to say. I do know it is possible to love someone and not want them at the same time, but I can't say if that is true in his case. Yes calling him was from what you said a mistake but now you have to live with it. I say keep the texts they are a way to remember the good times.
Hope you are having a great time in NYC, it feels weird to say I hope You find some young stud to use for his body but hey go for it. Hope you have a great time.
In terms of Dan I don't know really what to say. I do know it is possible to love someone and not want them at the same time, but I can't say if that is true in his case. Yes calling him was from what you said a mistake but now you have to live with it. I say keep the texts they are a way to remember the good times.
11/05/2008 05:02 #46543
I miss Dan.Category: :(
I do.
I miss him.
It's been over a week since we had any contact. I've deleted him from my phone etc etc etc.... but I have to say, deep down I sort of thought I'd get a drunk dial or something. But no. It made me feel better to think that this is just as hard for him as it is for me, and that he misses me too... but... maybe I'm totally wrong.
I know he didn't always treat me right, and I deserve someone who does, blah blah blah...
But...
That doesn't make it any less sad.
And it's not like he's the only one that made any mistakes- I had my share.
Because at times it sucked, sure.
But it was also the happiest I've ever been.
And I'm really trying to 'be good', b/c during our last conversation, he warned me that it's up to me and 'how I handle this' to determine whether I go down as "great girl, sorry it didn't work out" vs "psycho ex, good riddance."
Blah.
I was going to write a whole big thing about match.com.... but now I don't feel like it.
I don't know why I'm randomly awake at 430. When I *need* to get up at 430 (i.e. almost every day) I can't, and now I'm up for no reason? Guess I'll try to go back to sleep.
:(
I miss him.
It's been over a week since we had any contact. I've deleted him from my phone etc etc etc.... but I have to say, deep down I sort of thought I'd get a drunk dial or something. But no. It made me feel better to think that this is just as hard for him as it is for me, and that he misses me too... but... maybe I'm totally wrong.
I know he didn't always treat me right, and I deserve someone who does, blah blah blah...
But...
That doesn't make it any less sad.
And it's not like he's the only one that made any mistakes- I had my share.
Because at times it sucked, sure.
But it was also the happiest I've ever been.
And I'm really trying to 'be good', b/c during our last conversation, he warned me that it's up to me and 'how I handle this' to determine whether I go down as "great girl, sorry it didn't work out" vs "psycho ex, good riddance."
Blah.
I was going to write a whole big thing about match.com.... but now I don't feel like it.
I don't know why I'm randomly awake at 430. When I *need* to get up at 430 (i.e. almost every day) I can't, and now I'm up for no reason? Guess I'll try to go back to sleep.
:(
vincent - 11/06/08 00:33
It's basically being in a position to get what you want in one way, but totally wasting your time long term in others.
Yea, any real estate in the city will get you top play. I remember a few years ago I ended up hooking up for a weekend in NYC the hottest chick I ever got in my life. Maybe I'm looking too much into it if she had me pegged for staying where I did, but I still smile once in a while thinking back about it.
It's basically being in a position to get what you want in one way, but totally wasting your time long term in others.
Yea, any real estate in the city will get you top play. I remember a few years ago I ended up hooking up for a weekend in NYC the hottest chick I ever got in my life. Maybe I'm looking too much into it if she had me pegged for staying where I did, but I still smile once in a while thinking back about it.
jenks - 11/05/08 17:28
thanks everyone.
vincent- no idea what you mean by 'moral hazard'.
and hodown- excellent point. I have a fancy hotel room for 5 nights, maybe I should put it to use.
And thanks J. I know you're right... I just need to get there.
and peter- you have a good point, except that I'm still not convinced that the reason he broke up with me is the real reason. But I won't say any more than that on the off chance he sees this.
thanks everyone.
vincent- no idea what you mean by 'moral hazard'.
and hodown- excellent point. I have a fancy hotel room for 5 nights, maybe I should put it to use.
And thanks J. I know you're right... I just need to get there.
and peter- you have a good point, except that I'm still not convinced that the reason he broke up with me is the real reason. But I won't say any more than that on the off chance he sees this.
metalpeter - 11/05/08 17:08
I will admit I'm no relationship expert but here is my view anyways. You have to remember that you two broke up for a reason. It is natural to think that what ever that problem was is fixable (yes sometimes it is or sometimes it is small enough that two people can get back together and being together with the problem is better then being apart) and those underlying feelings are part of what make you miss him. I think that what people generaly do is look at the past and remember things selectively. Most of the time people remember the good parts and how a person makes you feel in a good way and they forget the bad. But this is natural if it was the other way around everyone would disown there families and everyfriend they ever met. It is important to understand that you miss him and remember the good times you had and then move on and see if you can find someone else. A good example of someone doing this is when you visit there house or there parents house and they have prom pictures and even semi-formal pictures displayed. Yeah things might not have worked out with those multiple dates but those events where still great at the time and they are good memories. I have never used match.com myself so I can't say but hey I say have fun in NYC and maybe you will meet some one and have a fun time.
I will admit I'm no relationship expert but here is my view anyways. You have to remember that you two broke up for a reason. It is natural to think that what ever that problem was is fixable (yes sometimes it is or sometimes it is small enough that two people can get back together and being together with the problem is better then being apart) and those underlying feelings are part of what make you miss him. I think that what people generaly do is look at the past and remember things selectively. Most of the time people remember the good parts and how a person makes you feel in a good way and they forget the bad. But this is natural if it was the other way around everyone would disown there families and everyfriend they ever met. It is important to understand that you miss him and remember the good times you had and then move on and see if you can find someone else. A good example of someone doing this is when you visit there house or there parents house and they have prom pictures and even semi-formal pictures displayed. Yeah things might not have worked out with those multiple dates but those events where still great at the time and they are good memories. I have never used match.com myself so I can't say but hey I say have fun in NYC and maybe you will meet some one and have a fun time.
hodown - 11/05/08 15:25
Jenks- I'm so sorry to hear you're down in the dumps. However do be the cool chick who just let's it go. Easier said than done I know.
Breakups suck, BUT you are going to be in NYC. There's no better place top find a hot random hook up to soothe the pain :)
Jenks- I'm so sorry to hear you're down in the dumps. However do be the cool chick who just let's it go. Easier said than done I know.
Breakups suck, BUT you are going to be in NYC. There's no better place top find a hot random hook up to soothe the pain :)
jason - 11/05/08 14:48
Don't miss someone who didn't always treat you right. God damn, have I ever been doing it wrong.
Don't miss someone who didn't always treat you right. God damn, have I ever been doing it wrong.
vincent - 11/05/08 09:18
I would meet people from match.com, but it would always place me in the way of a "Moral Hazard."
I would meet people from match.com, but it would always place me in the way of a "Moral Hazard."
lilho - 11/05/08 09:12
match.com sucks. my sista warned me, but it really does. don't waste you money or your time.
match.com sucks. my sista warned me, but it really does. don't waste you money or your time.
mrmike - 11/05/08 07:29
Nothing wrong with that. I was on the receiving end of a break up in early summer. The abrupt end hurt like hell (mostly because things seemed so promising), but the good always trumps the bad. We were able to be polite soon after and even joke a little (I got sick soon after and in time was able to tease about the breakup causing bell's palsy). But I ultimately believe that stuff means you're healing from all the "troubles," remembering the good stuff and ultimately moving foreword.
Nothing wrong with that. I was on the receiving end of a break up in early summer. The abrupt end hurt like hell (mostly because things seemed so promising), but the good always trumps the bad. We were able to be polite soon after and even joke a little (I got sick soon after and in time was able to tease about the breakup causing bell's palsy). But I ultimately believe that stuff means you're healing from all the "troubles," remembering the good stuff and ultimately moving foreword.
11/04/2008 21:31 #46528
the media amazes meI guess I should know better, but i'm just astounded at how differently different news outlets report the news.
For example: NYTimes.com says Obama has 83 electoral votes, and McCain has 8. It shows NY as ZERO PERCENT reported (after all, the polls closed like ten minutes ago), and they haven't assigned it a color yet.
MSNBC on the other hand says it 195 to 85, and has given NY to Obama.
I mean it's just splitting hairs at this point, and I'm sure NYT will catch up to MSNBC with the same outcome- I just find it funny how different the two are.
Damn media elite...
For example: NYTimes.com says Obama has 83 electoral votes, and McCain has 8. It shows NY as ZERO PERCENT reported (after all, the polls closed like ten minutes ago), and they haven't assigned it a color yet.
MSNBC on the other hand says it 195 to 85, and has given NY to Obama.
I mean it's just splitting hairs at this point, and I'm sure NYT will catch up to MSNBC with the same outcome- I just find it funny how different the two are.
Damn media elite...
metalpeter - 11/05/08 17:10
Remember this the next time you see a News story on TV news or in the papper and then switch to a differnt show or news outlet and get a different perspective on the same story for fun sometime or do it all the time.
Remember this the next time you see a News story on TV news or in the papper and then switch to a differnt show or news outlet and get a different perspective on the same story for fun sometime or do it all the time.
ajay - 11/05/08 04:16
Well, each media outlet has their own panel of analysts who make projections. Some media outlets won't call a state unless they're 100% sure.
And then, most will not call a state if the polls are still open there.
Well, each media outlet has their own panel of analysts who make projections. Some media outlets won't call a state unless they're 100% sure.
And then, most will not call a state if the polls are still open there.
11/04/2008 12:39 #46514
voted!Well, that was amazingly easy...
And I have to thank google maps... there's a "find your polling place" section now, and it led me to a link of 'helpful tips' that said 10-1130am and like 2-4pm are the less busy times to vote... I had been planning on getting up super early to go at 6, even though I have the day off...
But instead I went at 11, and there were 3 people in front of me. I was Voter 99 at my booth, but the other districts around me were in the 200-300 range. My landlord (who lives downstairs) said he went first thing, and there were 75 people in line in front of him.
In any case... I'm glad that was easy. I was expecting to wait for hours. :)
Now just to wait for the results.
And I have to thank google maps... there's a "find your polling place" section now, and it led me to a link of 'helpful tips' that said 10-1130am and like 2-4pm are the less busy times to vote... I had been planning on getting up super early to go at 6, even though I have the day off...
But instead I went at 11, and there were 3 people in front of me. I was Voter 99 at my booth, but the other districts around me were in the 200-300 range. My landlord (who lives downstairs) said he went first thing, and there were 75 people in line in front of him.
In any case... I'm glad that was easy. I was expecting to wait for hours. :)
Now just to wait for the results.
mrmike - 11/04/08 13:19
Love the ecard -- well said
Love the ecard -- well said
Good luck on moving on, and I hope NYC is a blast
good luck on your new journey