Since I found out I'm going to be a father, there have been a slew of troubling questions that have preoccupied my thoughts.
- How am I supposed to give my child confidence in one particular area when I myself for most of my life have felt a lack of confidence in that area?
- How can I possibly provide a positive outlook on a subject for my child when I myself am angry, bitter, and negative about that subject? How can I say "everything will be alright" when for much of my life I've admitted defeat and sung the refrain of "yup, I'm boned"?
- How am I supposed to answer my child's questions about something difficult when I haven't even answered those questions for myself?
- How can I tell my child to go and slay their own personal demons when I haven't even slain mine yet?
- How do I balance my desire to be a good parent with my desire not to act like a total hypocrite when I don't heed the moral/practical advice I give to my child? How can I say "go clean your room" when there's a piece of dirty laundry on my own bedroom floor?
Such are the questions that keep me up late at night these days. I don't think there are any easy answers, I just wish I knew whether these troubling questions are normal for all new parents to ask themselves.
Carolinian's Journal
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12/20/2007 01:56 #42593
Difficult QuestionsCategory: parenthood
12/13/2007 19:14 #42505
Teaches meCategory: food
There are also those days where you skimp on necessary ingrediants and steps required to prepare a dish in the interests of saving time and money, only to find you have a culinary disaster barreling towards you...sigh...
12/13/2007 15:29 #42503
In PerspectiveCategory: computers
There's days when I feel like I'm not really a very good at being Database Architect because I don't have some kind of fancy/shmancy Oracle certification and the headhunters who occasionally call me up to ask questions have never heard of the database I manage (i.e. PostgreSQL for the techo-nerds out there).
And then, there are those days when I see billion dollar companies who hire people like that who would refuse to hire people like me (on principle alone of not having a computer science degree) who have the guys with certifications and who do databases headhunters are familiar with who are unable to make the simplest and wisest of decisions (i.e. choosing a proper primary key for their business model, for the techno-nerds out there). On those days, I don't feel quite so bad about not having rubber stamps of approval.
And then, there are those days when I see billion dollar companies who hire people like that who would refuse to hire people like me (on principle alone of not having a computer science degree) who have the guys with certifications and who do databases headhunters are familiar with who are unable to make the simplest and wisest of decisions (i.e. choosing a proper primary key for their business model, for the techno-nerds out there). On those days, I don't feel quite so bad about not having rubber stamps of approval.
jason - 12/13/07 19:47
I definitely hear you. What's most important is that you know how to do your shit. Having the piece of paper, as illogical as it seems, still is important depending on how corporate the environment is.
I think, depending on the outlook, it's a good opportunity to do something positive and get that money. I don't have a CS degree, neither does Paul. I'm not sure about Z or Jim, and I'm convinced all of them are really smart and good at their jobs.
Oh, and headhunters know buzzwords, not technology, although I'm certain you know that already. I've found that with a good enough explanation of what you're doing, they can be convinced that you very well know your shit.
I definitely hear you. What's most important is that you know how to do your shit. Having the piece of paper, as illogical as it seems, still is important depending on how corporate the environment is.
I think, depending on the outlook, it's a good opportunity to do something positive and get that money. I don't have a CS degree, neither does Paul. I'm not sure about Z or Jim, and I'm convinced all of them are really smart and good at their jobs.
Oh, and headhunters know buzzwords, not technology, although I'm certain you know that already. I've found that with a good enough explanation of what you're doing, they can be convinced that you very well know your shit.
11/25/2007 22:20 #42278
Week Re-capCategory: life
- Spent the week with my parents, who left on friday. They really helped (e:inscrutable) and I a lot with setting up our apartment. Which we really need ready for the baby come April.
- Mom showed me how to make both her famous chicken and knuflies and her water chestnut stuffing. I will now be able to make these recipes for my family (the one I'm raising).
- Had thanksgiving dinner with my family (the one who raised me).
- I finally got a new vacuum cleaner to do battle with (e:ktmuffin) and her effect on my ability to breathe.
- Also purchased was a new washer and dryer. I've never actually had my own personal laundry machines in any apartment I've owned. It will be really nice being able to walk five feet to wash my boxers while simultaneously wearing boxers.
- Caught the tail end of (e:lizabeth), (e:john), and (e:jbeatty)'s non-traditional Thanksgiving.
- (e:inscrutable) and I took a road trip to see her parents in Dansville. I got to meet her other brother as well as several aunts. Had a second, belated thanksgiving with them.
- I had way too much turkey. This entire weekend, all I've wanted to do was sleep.
- Mom showed me how to make both her famous chicken and knuflies and her water chestnut stuffing. I will now be able to make these recipes for my family (the one I'm raising).
- Had thanksgiving dinner with my family (the one who raised me).
- I finally got a new vacuum cleaner to do battle with (e:ktmuffin) and her effect on my ability to breathe.
- Also purchased was a new washer and dryer. I've never actually had my own personal laundry machines in any apartment I've owned. It will be really nice being able to walk five feet to wash my boxers while simultaneously wearing boxers.
- Caught the tail end of (e:lizabeth), (e:john), and (e:jbeatty)'s non-traditional Thanksgiving.
- (e:inscrutable) and I took a road trip to see her parents in Dansville. I got to meet her other brother as well as several aunts. Had a second, belated thanksgiving with them.
- I had way too much turkey. This entire weekend, all I've wanted to do was sleep.
11/19/2007 13:04 #42198
Project XCategory: baby
(e:inscrutable) got the sonar today.
The stubborn kid kept its legs crossed the whole time, so our master plan to choose pink or blue stuff is foiled once again.
The stubborn kid kept its legs crossed the whole time, so our master plan to choose pink or blue stuff is foiled once again.
mike - 12/13/07 15:51
wow congrATS! That's awesome. Of course this is like a month late cuz I just am going back and reading journals now.
wow congrATS! That's awesome. Of course this is like a month late cuz I just am going back and reading journals now.
twisted - 11/19/07 22:57
Wow! There's a whole brand-new person in there. Congratulations!
Wow! There's a whole brand-new person in there. Congratulations!
metalpeter - 11/19/07 18:10
Congratulations (ok it is really still pretty early for that), but still congratulations.
Congratulations (ok it is really still pretty early for that), but still congratulations.
museumchick - 11/19/07 16:25
I had wondered if that's what your news was... congratulations! I think you'll be a terrific dad.
I had wondered if that's what your news was... congratulations! I think you'll be a terrific dad.
paul - 11/19/07 14:22
Congratulations!
Congratulations!
ladycroft - 11/19/07 14:13
so...i take it this is the big life changing news you had a while back!? congrats :)
happy belated birthday!
so...i take it this is the big life changing news you had a while back!? congrats :)
happy belated birthday!
I think the best thing you can do is to be honest that you don't have all the answers, and to be sincere with them. Kids understand a lot more about adults than we ever realize. They know from an early age that you aren't perfect, and they still love you.
I know I have no advice as I am not a parent myself, but I think that you'll be a great dad. You seem like a very grounded and kind person, and I'm sure that will help you as a parent.
I'm not a parent but seeing how I grew up and how my sis did and other kids I know I do have an answer. The answer to all of them is you can not. Your personality is you and you can't change who you are. Of course when you are asked questions you can say I don't know. Or you can say the answer most people other then me might say is, and things like that. But if you are a Messy Person you can only teach what you do and say don't be like me ok. Or if you are sad tell the kid go have fun don't let me being sad way you down that is just how I am. The other thing to do is to remember that even though you are a dad there is also a mother and you two will work on this together. I know there are a lot of bad parents. Some are way to strick and bossy and some let the kids do what ever they want. Granted every kid will do there best under different conditions but you won't know that until it is to late. So just try to be fair and live by your rules, oh yeah I mean both of your ideas and hopefully your kid will be fine. I would also suggest you get ideas from (e:mrmike) I'm sure he has a lot of wisdom on things that worked and didn't and I can tell he has great pateince and I'm sure that helps. I would say don't worry you will be fine, but that would be encourage carelessness. The fact that you know you may have some diffaculties is a good sign. It shows that you know that and are trying to be a great parent. It is the parent who thinks I'm the greatest parent in the world who messes up there kid by pushing them into sports and getting into fist fights with other parents and that kind of thing. Hopefully some of the other parents chime in on this also.
Don't forget that you are a part of a wonderful faith tradition, full of stories that inspire one to slay their personal demons, have appropriate confidence, and live a positive life. Judaism presents a good God that is in control, and remains faithful to his people, even when they are faithless.
I think your questions are normal, but I've never been a new parent, so I can't tell you for sure.
The easy answer to difficult questions: 'Go ask your mother.'
- Z
Been there done that (3 times). You ever want to chat with somebody who is still in the midst of it, give me a holler. Everything will be alright does pack the right bunch sometimes. And the key isn't in having the answers to the questions, but being there never giving up looking for them. Kids are smart and will gain from that just as much