Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These were the Washington Post over the weekend. Cracked me up.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had a eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Seeing a "Street performer" rummage through the light post trash cans on Elmwood near Anderson for bottles is nothing new. Seeing one tonight looking for bottles on HIS FREAKING SEGWAY did make me stop and do a doubletake. I got to put a camera in the car for such occasions.

Part two of my ten part association with the Bills took place Friday night. I like Football okay, but the games at this time of the year are pretty awful. It's the overall spectacle that moves me to get involved, that and the extra cash. It's fun to get the "I'm with the band" feeling of get waved into the parking lot and being "Backstage" as all the preparations are going on. Good for your soul to invest in something larger than you even if it is just a football game. I got a new perch for this one (Between sections 125 and 126) so I could actually see the game as opposed to the closed doors of the suites and it was kind of cool. The suiteowners sent drinks out anyway and a few quick quips made me a man of the people.

It was a "kid's day" game which managed to expose some parents as fucking morons. When my guys were little, I'd worry about too much distance between me and them at a big event. Yet, twice I found little kids out in the isle ( like 3 and 4 years old little), with their parents oblivious to the fact their child just bounced on a concrete step because the "game" was on. Udder jerkoffs.

Bills screwed up by having fireworks in the parking lot which sent a good number of people scrambling for the exit. Could have been ugly if there was a bigger crowd by that time.

NIce lazy day with the kids yesterday and this morning. Repaired to the Elmwood fest till just a little bit ago. Them JAzzbeards were awesome and should release a live cd like yesterday. I didn't see any fellow peeps but I did get a chance to see a few folk and unlike Allentown, see some interesting pieces of artwork.

Nice day

Got to order this...

I'm liking that fact that live cds/albums are getting a little demythologized. It used to be that you'd see some dude at the Super Flea on Walden peddling live recordings at stupidly high prices. With downloading and whatnot, some bands are letting loose with concert tapes and making some good things readily available. That's pretty cool as I'm getting a little too old to be collecting concert t-shirts. Dave Matthews and U2 both have sanctioned sites where you can grab most shows for your IPOD which has made my IPOD happy. There are a couple of live recording site that peak my curiousity now and again, but what had got me going are a couple of official band sites.

For example, spur of the moment I drove out to Darien Lake for the Ratdog/Allman Brothers show, mostly to see the guitarists in the current version of the Allmans go at it. Warren Haynes and Butch Trucks can play just about anything, from acoustic to blues to rock to jam. Both guys are great and if you are a fan of such stuff (as I am), it's a treat to watch. It was a great show and thanks to the Allman Bros official site, it's on my IPOD as of a few minutes ago.

Sometimes it's the little things than can change the temper of your outlook.

"Going to the concert, baby don't you wanna go?"