i am crazy. i spent $200 on jeans. that is messed up. man. messed up.

so, i have been sick with some kind of norovirus for like 5 days. I have never had an upset tummy this long. it really sucks.


but it's okay, because my birthday is saturday. friday i am doing spa day....facial, hair, nails, the works....then going to the chiropracter (i have to go 3 days a week anyway...), then to the mall for a new outfit, then home b/c people are coming over! then to hofbraehouse for some great german food and beer, and then to this new bar in downtown las vegas called downtown. it's the coolest place i have been here yet (in terms of night life). Saturday, my birthday, danny and i are leaving for san diego, the most beautiful place in the whole wide world. i am so excited....our first trip with all three puppies. are we nuts?!?!?! but i am way excited becasue there is an outlet mall with a JUICY COUTURE OUTLET. i mean, that would make my birthday! i can't wait.


i love juicy. and my birthday.

but i have a birthday problem. well, i have had one since i was a child. i get super weird about my birthday. really. like sad becasue nothing ever spectacular happens. i hate to sound bratty, but i feel that everyone should feel special on their birthday, but it seems that other than my mom, no one really cares. I know it's jsut another day to other people, but i have this dumb complex about it. so most of the time i just try to think it's just another day so that way I won't get disappointed. so awful to think. i know.

Well folks. I have a new plan. i thought about me just splitting las vegas after this semester, and initially it was a good plan, but then the more i thought about, the more i realized i would regret is so bad. I mean, i am one year away from my MPH, and that could be a huge difference in pay.

so, i came up with a new plan....

i thought i would be okay here for a year and a half....that was while my sister was here. then i took her to the airport the other night, and suddenly i realized i was going to be alone again. in sets depressive state. i called my mom, and she tried to convince me to move home, pronto. she is worried because i am so sad here, and she thinks that another year and i will end up insane.

so, i decided to try a new route. i looked into summer classes, and if i take 3 summer classes, i can graduate in december. the only catch is that one of my core classes, chronic disease epidemiology, is only offered in the spring and i haven't taken it yet. so, i am trying to work out an independant study in exchange for the chronic disease credit. i think it may work. but this means then, that fall semester will be my thesis. fuck. i don't even know what my thesis is going to be on....

....so, with that said, i am going to try to stick this shit out and have the best of both worlds. move home soooner, but with my degree.

i just hope there will be an amazing job for me at home when i am finally done. fingers crossed.

as for what danny is doing, who knows. he isn't happy with my decision to leave in december, and he certainly doesn't want to move to buffalo, so i don't know what he is going to do....stay here for another year? move home and quite? move to buffalo? albany? who knows....


all i know is that having a plan that makes me happy makes me happy.


my happiness maybe overshadowed by the fact that i get my transmissions of infectious disease midterm back tonight. i know i did horribly and i really don't want to know my grade. as awful as that sounds.....booooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

st. patty's day was insane. we went to fremont street and you could barely move there were so many people. fun times....


a point of clarifcation:

(e:metalpeter) brought up a good point pertaining to my last 2 or 3 posts....and how i hate las vegas and how i am not happy here. He left a comment saying he was confused because if i am here with my fiance and things are going well between us, woudln't that be enough to make me happy....so i thought i would mention that, because i don't want the wrong idea to come across peoples minds when i say that stuff. danny and i are great for eachother, but when you live in a city where you only have one person who can truely be there for you, it puts a lot of pressure on that one person to be your entire social network. I have made some great friends here, but I still am not in a place where I can confide in anyone else or seek support from anyone here other than danny....and same for him. maybe that is my own fault because i bottle so much inside and don't talk to anyone about my problems....

but anyway, so, our entire lives are pretty much eachother, and that is a lot for one person to be. Its not fair for him, nor I, to have that kind of expectation on eachother.... not that he isn't good enough, but I hate having these crazy expectations for him, and him not being able to meet them, and then me get sad about it because he couldn't do it...its hard to explain, but it's just a huge role for one person to fill: being friends, family, fiance, care taker, comedian, etc all in one person.....if that makes sense?

i don't know....i have thought a lot about what the next few months hold for me. i don't know what i am going to do, but i know if i don't' finish here, i will later regret it. i don't want to have any regrets. I should just stop being a baby about it and suck it up. Once it's done, i will be so proud and happy....and will be satisfied with my career and can go wherever i want....

so can i suck it up? we will see.

for the moment. i think it is time to go shopping.

i thank you all for the support and cute messages, but it just makes me want to move home even more....like all i have to do is get on a plane, and walk into roswell and be happy forever.

I am kinda on the fence about it...i mean, if i moved home and got a job, i would be making about $15,000 less than if I stayed here for one more year....and i would walk away with a masters.

but on the flip side, i am so sad and depressed here. i hate it here. i am not happy. i want to be home so badly....and it makes it worse knowing that i could have a great job there.

well. i applied. i sent my resume in. i guess if it is meant for me to work with breast cancer patients, then i will at least get an interview. but if not, than maybe its just not meant to be.....maybe that means then, then i am supposed to stay here and carry out my shitty life here in las vegas. depressing thought, but huge possibility.

i mean, what is another year?



well, either way, i have to stay here till my lawsuit is finalized. that could be a few months anyway. we will see.....