Tonight is show #2 of the Wizard of Oz. Even though some students saw me sneak in the back door a few minutes ago, I'm still sitting in my office with the lights off and the door to the room locked. Sometimes I just need to be in here when it's quiet before I open the room up and kids pounce on the room as if it's going somewhere. I should be grateful that kids love being here, I should!! And I am for the most part, but I just need a couple minutes to myself.

I think (today at least) that I DON'T want to change my mind about going away after next year. I think no matter how much I start to enjoy this job, it won't be enough to make me want to stay and not go on to other things. I know it's not a problem to love your job but the thought of staying here and never leaving Buffalo really scares me for some reason. I know that you don't have to physically go somewhere in order to grow as a person, but I feel that it would be a great thing for me to do, and better sooner than later. If only New York didn't have its stupid 5 year limit on getting your Master's. If I could stay for 2 more years and then start school in 2009, it would be perfect, mostly because I really like this year's sophomore class and it would be nice to leave with them. But then I would be over my time limit with the state (unless I got an extension, but I don't know how much those cost or how easy they even are to get). I don't really know if that one more year of teaching would really be worth it...

I guess when it comes to these major decisions, sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do. I know I don't have to decide right this minute, but I will need to know relatively soon if I should be preparing for auditions and stuff.

Maybe I should just relax and concentrate on what's happening right now...like the fact that kids are jiggling on my door handle as though it will magically open if they do it long enough...ahhhhh I hate when they do that!!!!! I guess it's time I published this journal and let the wild beasts in my room. Have a good weekend everyone.

This is journal #300!

I would just like to say I'm really loving my life right now. I love my job, I've started running again, I'm singing well, I'm going on some awesome trips this summer, my hair looks good today, and I have great friends. This is the best I've felt since I graduated. This is NOT what I planned for, but I would be really stupid to try and pretend like I wasn't doing well.

Looks like 24 might be a good year.

As I have already mentioned, my school is in the midst of its spring musical production. Though I'm not the director, I did direct the vocals and have been there every night to give notes and warm the singers up and stuff. And it's crazy (to me) how much I really enjoy it. I'm very disappointed I won't be there tomorrow for the final dress rehearsal before the show.

Lately, as I'm slowly getting better at my job, I come home and I just think how much I love it. I love working on NYSSMA solos, I love hearing the chorus sing, I love teaching my Music Appreciation kids, I love working with the musical, I love being an important part of some of my students' lives. I love it. There are some days when I don't, but when it all comes down to it, I'm doing something I love...

...and I DON'T THINK I LIKE THAT!

...because it's not what I've been planning on! I didn't want to feel committed or attached to this job because I want to go to graduate school after next year, and I want to go somewhere outside of Buffalo for that. I DON'T want to never go to school or learn a lot of cool things again, and because of New York State and their standards, I have to do it before 2010 (possibly 2011 with an extension, but I don't know how easy those are to get). I know that I can do summer programs, and I can always go somewhere around here, but that's not what I wanted to do. Grad schools for music just aren't good enough around here....I wish they were. (with the expensive exception of the Eastman school of Music in Rochester)

The things, what would mostly make me want to stay is the kids. There are a lot of sophomores this year who I would feel soooooooooooo terrible leaving behind, and that's what would happen - I would leave the summer before their senior year. And so I think, okay, I could stay maybe two more years and then try to get an extension on my Master's from the state. But whose to say there won't be more kids coming up that I wouldn't want to leave? There will always be kids I won't want to disappoint.

I guess I just thought leaving would be easier than I'm anticipating it's going to be. I know I could say screw New York and just teach until I feel like leaving, but that might lead to a lot of annoyances that I won't want to deal with if I don't have to.

Ughhhhhhh, what to do!??!!?!?!?!


...

REGARDLESS...you should come see the show because it is really really cute and I love it and the kids are doing a fantastic job:

John F. Kennedy High School presents The Wizard of Oz
Friday and Saturday 7:30 pm
Sunday afternoon 2 pm
Tickets $8 general, $6 seniors and students, Children under 5 free

Ok so I figured I wouldn't get to post about my trip before (e:anne) (see ).

and to think i recently posted a journal full of the many fun things i'm looking forward to this year, and this trip hadn't even been thought of yet! AHHHH 2007 why do you have so much potential to be fantastic?!?!

i think it's funny that this trip came along mostly because i was whining about how i've been to europe every other year since 2001 and i was bummed because this one would break that streak. in 2001 i went to London with the family, then in 2003 I went with chamber singers to london, wales and scotland for probably the best and most special trip i've ever been on, and then in 2005 i went to scandinavia and paris. AAAAND now i get to italy and spain for a week! (e:Anne) was right about us not being an impulsive family AT ALL, so for the three of us to sit down and spend an entire afternoon full of valuable free time to compare itineraries, prices, is just crazy, but we did it and all of our flights are booked. we just have to book our hostels and we are all set! AHHHHHHHHHHH it is going to be fantastic. i LOVE travelling. i seriously don't understand how anyone can dislike travelling. i understand how some things i love would not be loved by everyone (including hunchback of notre dame, standing up in front of people and singing, and the song "when the lights go out" by five) but how can you not love just getting away and seeing the world and all it has to offer?

i'm so freakin excited.

...since i last ran, approximately. i feel like such a blob. i feel as though any hint of muscle definition or tone has completely vanished from my existence all together. i mean thats a long time to go without doing much exercising!!!! granted i know some people go their whole lives, but i'm not trying to live up to those standards. luckily, training for the half marathon starts on monday. i've made up a little running schedule based on several training plans i saw online. i sort of combined them into one. i really hope that i can stick to it exactly as it is. it's hard because i generally prefer running in the afternoon/evening, but there is almost always SOMETHING that comes up that i can't work around, or i don't eat enough to give me proper fuel earlier in the day and then i feel sluggish and end up not getting in nearly as much as i should/could. probably the best solution is to use the fact that i don't have to be at school until 9:30 to my advantage and get up and exercise early. man that is super hard when its cold and dark out. who wants to crawl out of bed? ahhhhh, such a dilemma. when i think about it logically it makes the most sense to get up and get my exercising over with early. but i don't know if i believe in myself enough to do it consistently. haha what a terrible thing to say but i know myself pretty well.
we'll see. regardless of what part of the day, i'm determined to get back into shape, hopefully the best shape i've ever been in! that way i can continue to eat the way i have been without feeling horribly guilty. it's really not good how guilty i feel when i eat like crap. it like consumes my thoughts the rest of the day. this is probably a signal of some kind of disorder, really. well, as i said, running will either make me change my eating habits, or just make me feel less guilty about it. it's easier to stay thin and be active as the weather gets warmer, too.

the movie black snake moan with samuel l. jackson and christina ricci is good. i really enjoyed it and i recommend it highly. two thumbs up. can't wait to see the 23409283049235 other movies i've been meaning to get to lately.

come see my kiddos sing next weekend (kiddos = students, not children i have birthed). the wizard of oz at jfk - march 9th thru 11th. ask me for details (or just read (e:mike)'s journal). i think i will be sad once it's over. being at rehearsals is fun and keeps me too busy to notice what day it is and before i know it, it's friday! i really do love being busy, especially with great stuff like music and nice kids.

last but not least...............i'll be 24 in 24 days!!!