wow i'm tired.

i had to go to fredonia today to go to court for a ticket i got for rolling through a stop sign. HONESTLY WHO STOPS AT STOP SIGNS?!! i know that you're supposed to and of course it's the law but i bet you a million bucks if you set up a camera by ANY random stop sign for ten minutes, you MIGHT get two cars that come to a complete stop (if they don't have another car to wait for). so anyway, what a joy that was.

then i still hadn't done my running for the day (i'm on a schedule since i'm training for the half marathon) so i drove home from fredonia to go to the gym, but i was so tired that i decided to take a nap in the parking lot to be "refreshed" for my run. well, screw that. i just ended up coming home so exhausted and cranky. i freakin hate missing days on my schedule. i'm starting to wish i had never signed up for this thing.

i guess the moral of the story is i should make more "me" time in my days. i didn't have any today because i stayed after school just like i do every day working with kids and then another voice lesson and then my stupid ticket and ahhhhh.

oh well stop complaining. can't wait for this weekend - two fantastic celebrations - st. matty's day and (e:jill) 's b-day. hope i can stay awake for both of them.

so the show is over!

(the whole reason for this post...)

look what my kids got me as part of my director's gift... :)

Tonight is show #2 of the Wizard of Oz. Even though some students saw me sneak in the back door a few minutes ago, I'm still sitting in my office with the lights off and the door to the room locked. Sometimes I just need to be in here when it's quiet before I open the room up and kids pounce on the room as if it's going somewhere. I should be grateful that kids love being here, I should!! And I am for the most part, but I just need a couple minutes to myself.

I think (today at least) that I DON'T want to change my mind about going away after next year. I think no matter how much I start to enjoy this job, it won't be enough to make me want to stay and not go on to other things. I know it's not a problem to love your job but the thought of staying here and never leaving Buffalo really scares me for some reason. I know that you don't have to physically go somewhere in order to grow as a person, but I feel that it would be a great thing for me to do, and better sooner than later. If only New York didn't have its stupid 5 year limit on getting your Master's. If I could stay for 2 more years and then start school in 2009, it would be perfect, mostly because I really like this year's sophomore class and it would be nice to leave with them. But then I would be over my time limit with the state (unless I got an extension, but I don't know how much those cost or how easy they even are to get). I don't really know if that one more year of teaching would really be worth it...

I guess when it comes to these major decisions, sometimes I just want someone to tell me what to do. I know I don't have to decide right this minute, but I will need to know relatively soon if I should be preparing for auditions and stuff.

Maybe I should just relax and concentrate on what's happening right now...like the fact that kids are jiggling on my door handle as though it will magically open if they do it long enough...ahhhhh I hate when they do that!!!!! I guess it's time I published this journal and let the wild beasts in my room. Have a good weekend everyone.

This is journal #300!

I would just like to say I'm really loving my life right now. I love my job, I've started running again, I'm singing well, I'm going on some awesome trips this summer, my hair looks good today, and I have great friends. This is the best I've felt since I graduated. This is NOT what I planned for, but I would be really stupid to try and pretend like I wasn't doing well.

Looks like 24 might be a good year.

As I have already mentioned, my school is in the midst of its spring musical production. Though I'm not the director, I did direct the vocals and have been there every night to give notes and warm the singers up and stuff. And it's crazy (to me) how much I really enjoy it. I'm very disappointed I won't be there tomorrow for the final dress rehearsal before the show.

Lately, as I'm slowly getting better at my job, I come home and I just think how much I love it. I love working on NYSSMA solos, I love hearing the chorus sing, I love teaching my Music Appreciation kids, I love working with the musical, I love being an important part of some of my students' lives. I love it. There are some days when I don't, but when it all comes down to it, I'm doing something I love...

...and I DON'T THINK I LIKE THAT!

...because it's not what I've been planning on! I didn't want to feel committed or attached to this job because I want to go to graduate school after next year, and I want to go somewhere outside of Buffalo for that. I DON'T want to never go to school or learn a lot of cool things again, and because of New York State and their standards, I have to do it before 2010 (possibly 2011 with an extension, but I don't know how easy those are to get). I know that I can do summer programs, and I can always go somewhere around here, but that's not what I wanted to do. Grad schools for music just aren't good enough around here....I wish they were. (with the expensive exception of the Eastman school of Music in Rochester)

The things, what would mostly make me want to stay is the kids. There are a lot of sophomores this year who I would feel soooooooooooo terrible leaving behind, and that's what would happen - I would leave the summer before their senior year. And so I think, okay, I could stay maybe two more years and then try to get an extension on my Master's from the state. But whose to say there won't be more kids coming up that I wouldn't want to leave? There will always be kids I won't want to disappoint.

I guess I just thought leaving would be easier than I'm anticipating it's going to be. I know I could say screw New York and just teach until I feel like leaving, but that might lead to a lot of annoyances that I won't want to deal with if I don't have to.

Ughhhhhhh, what to do!??!!?!?!?!


...

REGARDLESS...you should come see the show because it is really really cute and I love it and the kids are doing a fantastic job:

John F. Kennedy High School presents The Wizard of Oz
Friday and Saturday 7:30 pm
Sunday afternoon 2 pm
Tickets $8 general, $6 seniors and students, Children under 5 free