ok so im biased,
but maybe the reason so
many stories, the ones on broadway,
on the silver screens of hollywoodland,
on the pages of of the heart bound with string
take place in this beautiful, dirty place called new york.

it reminds me of a tangerine,
while working with cement, steel, rocks
and nails.
out in the cold, my hands cracked and bleeding,
stained and dirty
sitting with some guys i know,
i work with,
i sit at the bar with.
after eating our sandwichs, reclined on a
bucket upside down, boots crossed way out front, however
far away my legs are long.
another guy sits, indian style.
one paces nervously and the chatter is brief,
scores of games from the nite before.
talk of childish antics in the firehouse, at the bar,
in the sharehouse.
someone has a bag of tangerines.
'want one'?
'sure'?
it was the brightest thing on that job site.
orange, fresh, alive.
we were caked with mortar, saw dust, oil from sawing, drilling steel
I beams up in the sky.
backs stiffining up in the cold wind.
the tangerine was sweet, full of juice.
biting into the meat, the sweet juices run between my
fingers, htting the cracks.
the stinging.
the sting from that sweet flavour, amongst all of
the dirt, grime.
that was progress, the dirt, the grime, the broken backs
i think you
can figure what the tangerine was.

so it was a beautiful day today. well i have to admit, it was nice. more than that it was an amazing day. i walked the beach and was actually sweating. it hit 72 degrees down here today. thats not good. we are going to definately pay for that. did anyone else see the article about the very large piece of ice shelf that broke off in northern canada in mid to late august. its odd that the article (well at least what i have seen of it) just came out in the times science section now. that along with the fact that the FDA has felt it a good idea to approve genetically cloned livestock safe for the food supply. wow, i never usually chime in with "science talk" funny really,when i was younger i was a little science freak in a way. had the chem set and made hydrochloric acid, i loved astronomy, had the telescope that i save lawn mowing money to but from the smithsonian air and space catalog. i am sure no one else saw this special on cnn on christmas morning (only because it started i think at 4, or 5. not quite sure because i woke up to it) about the inevitable energy crisis following a terrorist attack in november of '09, a hurricane larger in magnitude than katrina hitting the gulf and completely wiping out our refining capablities. well enough of this. it was really beautiful out today. a lot of surfing, beach volleyball, frisbeeing, dog running, dog walking, dogs saying hello in that all to familiar way. its really a good thing that we do not great one another in the same fashion. it would be very awkward. i have some pics that i took with the new digital cam i got for christmas. its really cool. love it. only there are so many little bells an whistles that i have to learn to use to get the most out of the camera. good news on the job front. got a promotion of sorts. things are going really well there.

it is the heart of an empire,
though not of a conquering kind.
but one that goes forth, layed bare upon the rocks,
to embrace any willing to open their arms.
with the beauty of a cherry blossom blizzard on april's
breeze.
going out into the india of my mind,
i see the power of belief, of faith, we have.
of faith in goodwill, and brotherhood.
though the darkness tries to blot out
the sun of hope, the stars of love,
they cannot be extinquished.
there is a hunger for affection, creation,
beauty, trembling intimacy.
it is with these, in our shirt pockets,
we drive forward, yearn to run 'cross fields of
sun and dandilions,
to climb the cragged ice covered summits of the earth,
and swim the desert sands ancient kings.
it is the empire of the heart,
poured out to run through your fingers, drip down
upon your knees.

well this post is basically in response to dear jenks. monday nite the girl ,KT,i have been dating for the past month and i ended it. well it was over thursday nite when i went out with my buddy jeff drinking, and we hung out with one of our buddies who bartends in rvc at monahagns. good guy from nova scotia, the bartender. and well we got plastered. too many yukon jack, and crown shots (gotta love canadiens). well one of my friends from buffalo came down for the bills jets game with his cousin and well the girl and i didn't speak all weekend. i kinda knew. i was just trying to see if things would work themselves out. i am too quick to dismiss. its bad. so i was trying something new. trying to grow a bit with this person, as cheesy as that sounds. i figure my last relationship, well it started with the heat of thousand suns. and look where it ended up. well thats the second part of this post. but back to this part. a few weeks ago, i didn't return a call in the "appropriate" amount of time, well according to her. so the next day, i was chastised about how it was rude, and" i called you yesterday, and you didn't call me back". yet KT knew i was to be out east. mind you this was after going on 3 dates and talking on the phone for a couple weeks. i got the whole "even my friends don't think its right" and "i don't want to waste my time, im looking for a boyfriend" now i am more inclined to relationships.thats just how i am. but this was fuckin annoying. thing was i was trying to keep the physical aspec at a slower pace, because a lot of times, well that can muddle the water, things that may be clear, well you can't see so well anymore. well after the first late call incident, we hung out a couple times, at my place, but i just wasnt feeling it i guess. i mean there was no desire to make the call this weekend while out having fun, using the soft voie saying "hey! whats up. what are you doing? im at the game, and just wanted to call and say hi." yeah you know what i am talking about. well it wasnt there. so then i knew. well i called monday to apologize for not speaking this weekend, and i got a bit of a bitchy attitude on the phone. which i could understand. i apologized and KT said she didn't think it was going to work, and i said i agreed. well then, i said take care and good nite. took all of 2 min. i felt bad, and still do, but i don't know if its cause i think she liked me a bit more than i liked her, or maybe because it was nice spending time with her. i did like her, and enjoyed her company. but there was no desire. i didn't want to go out and get drunk and dance with her. make her breakfast. read the sunday times with my head in her lap. go see the tree in the city with her. maybe im sad cause i could have spent time with her and now i can't. but honestly its more of a relief. i mean friday nite i went out and had a blast. i have not been out in a while, trying to behave. didn't bother me that we didn't speak. its funny how things work i guess. now tot the second party.
drum roll.......the ex.

we have not spoke since last weekend in august. i did something stupid and since then, well she texted me the frst day of my new job good luck, and that was it. i had responded and asked to go to dinner that week, and i got nothing back. so that was it. well anyone i told about what i did (the stupid thing) they said i was an ass, and i agree, however, it was not such an egregious act that should lead to us not talking or seeing each other when things were starting to go well. so, that being said. monday after i spoke with KT i decide to check my emai. and there in the in box it sat. the subject....... a simple............. hi. unfucking real. i mean seriously. she apologized for writing out of the blue, and says she really hates not talking to me. but she understands why it has to be. (oh yeah so why email me) and she wanted me to know that she has been thinking about me a lot, and hopes i am well. now most will say she is saying that she hopes you are doing well, the holidays are here and well its natural. well she is not one to just send little letters, or emails, or make phone calls. so now, it seems with the holiday "schedule" i am probably going to run into her. i just can't seem to get away from it. it drives me crazy. i mean yeah i think of her, probably everyday. its not all consuming, but there are fleeting moments during the day where i daydream, or i get a feeling in my stomach, my chest. i know what it is, and why its there. but i am also trying to cross that bridge, not because i want to forget about her, or not be with her. because she sill not let it happen. its tiring, and annoying. yet if things would work, on her end, i cannot say i would not take her back. i would. when you have that feeling i guess. i don't know. and its not like i don't go out with other people. i do. and i like other people. ah who knows. it does create sadness and melancholy, but not in a negative way. i am full of happiness now suprisingly. i love my job, and i finally see things going in a great direction. i would say i have a ways to go before i get to certain points, but i love waking up and going to work, and i enjoy things more. i got rid of some people who were detrimental to my whole well being. and i just concentrate on myself. while of course being mindful of others. you know what does annoy me, i wrote this post tuesday and for some f'd up reason i cannot post things sometimes. i get a bad request note and the screen is white. ah hopefully this one works. yeah i would want her back. and part of me thinks it will happen. but until then if ever, i am going to do my thing.

so works going really well still. just trying to get a second job that is worth it financially. the good thing about living down here is there are a lot of jobs that you can earn a lot of money off the books. i totally understand where ((e:paul)) is coming from. there are places i would like to go, investments that i would like to do, and just random odds and ends that require more moolah. i have been dating this girl that i was set up semi blindly with. my friend meghan, well her sister deidre goes to the gym with this girl kate, and they wanted to set us up. we met, and we have been talking and going out on dates now for almost a month. i am kinda iffy about the whole thing. i am trying to slow shit down, and she seems to want to push things forward. even physically. yes yes i said it. i am tryin to pull the emergency brake a bit. i guess it i just more of a hassle to get to physically involved when i am not sure where my head is. i know where it is, and well a lot of the time it is no where near here. the problem is, she is awesome, cute, and i really enjoy spending time with her. there are a lot of uncomfortable moments, but i don't think she finds them uncomfortable. there is many times where there is no eye contact while talking and i just find that odd. she has a great job, she lives with her parents though, which is difficult for me, cause i have not had to go hang out at a parents house in more than 6 years. they are always upstairs but it just feels odd. there is a lot of me who wants to be single, not so i can just go banging around, but cause i don't have to account to anyone for my actions. any of them, whether i lay on the couch all day and return a call at 7 that i missed at 11 am. plus i have had strange dreams about kerri, and a lot of thoughts, well not a day goes by, about her. and that maybe if we get together and talk, something may come of it. sometimes you just know somethings are there for a reason. nothing is easy, EVERYTHING requires work and effort, and well i believe strongly in that. i have actually been laying low lately, much to the chagrin of my friends who have been making comments like 'are you boycotting us now?" course im not, just trying to make myself better, by saving money, not going out and punishing my body by partying as much. trying to plan shit out. there is a book binding class i want to sign up for in the city at nite, for a 2 month period, so i wouldwork in the city or take the train from elmont. the other day we received our nyc chapter alumni christmas party invite. so i am looking forward to that, though it came with Collegium, or monthly magazine or bi monthly, whatever it may be. it updates all us alum on the goings on at the alma mater. well i saw my first girlfriend, yup college, is married now. i kinda new i guess, but i saw her with his last name. funny thing, she broke up with me to date one of my good friends. well he and i didn't get on so well after that, for a while. so now i have my frist and second off married, having houses, parents, or planning to, and me, well. im fine with all of that, i really am. i am the happiest i have been in i can't tell you how long. but there are a few things i would like to fall in to place to complete the puzzle. well i gotta hit the hay. its to late for this. i will talk to you soon. i should be home in b-lo fora week at x-mas. post any outings