it is the heart of an empire,
though not of a conquering kind.
but one that goes forth, layed bare upon the rocks,
to embrace any willing to open their arms.
with the beauty of a cherry blossom blizzard on april's
breeze.
going out into the india of my mind,
i see the power of belief, of faith, we have.
of faith in goodwill, and brotherhood.
though the darkness tries to blot out
the sun of hope, the stars of love,
they cannot be extinquished.
there is a hunger for affection, creation,
beauty, trembling intimacy.
it is with these, in our shirt pockets,
we drive forward, yearn to run 'cross fields of
sun and dandilions,
to climb the cragged ice covered summits of the earth,
and swim the desert sands ancient kings.
it is the empire of the heart,
poured out to run through your fingers, drip down
upon your knees.

so works going really well still. just trying to get a second job that is worth it financially. the good thing about living down here is there are a lot of jobs that you can earn a lot of money off the books. i totally understand where ((e:paul)) is coming from. there are places i would like to go, investments that i would like to do, and just random odds and ends that require more moolah. i have been dating this girl that i was set up semi blindly with. my friend meghan, well her sister deidre goes to the gym with this girl kate, and they wanted to set us up. we met, and we have been talking and going out on dates now for almost a month. i am kinda iffy about the whole thing. i am trying to slow shit down, and she seems to want to push things forward. even physically. yes yes i said it. i am tryin to pull the emergency brake a bit. i guess it i just more of a hassle to get to physically involved when i am not sure where my head is. i know where it is, and well a lot of the time it is no where near here. the problem is, she is awesome, cute, and i really enjoy spending time with her. there are a lot of uncomfortable moments, but i don't think she finds them uncomfortable. there is many times where there is no eye contact while talking and i just find that odd. she has a great job, she lives with her parents though, which is difficult for me, cause i have not had to go hang out at a parents house in more than 6 years. they are always upstairs but it just feels odd. there is a lot of me who wants to be single, not so i can just go banging around, but cause i don't have to account to anyone for my actions. any of them, whether i lay on the couch all day and return a call at 7 that i missed at 11 am. plus i have had strange dreams about kerri, and a lot of thoughts, well not a day goes by, about her. and that maybe if we get together and talk, something may come of it. sometimes you just know somethings are there for a reason. nothing is easy, EVERYTHING requires work and effort, and well i believe strongly in that. i have actually been laying low lately, much to the chagrin of my friends who have been making comments like 'are you boycotting us now?" course im not, just trying to make myself better, by saving money, not going out and punishing my body by partying as much. trying to plan shit out. there is a book binding class i want to sign up for in the city at nite, for a 2 month period, so i wouldwork in the city or take the train from elmont. the other day we received our nyc chapter alumni christmas party invite. so i am looking forward to that, though it came with Collegium, or monthly magazine or bi monthly, whatever it may be. it updates all us alum on the goings on at the alma mater. well i saw my first girlfriend, yup college, is married now. i kinda new i guess, but i saw her with his last name. funny thing, she broke up with me to date one of my good friends. well he and i didn't get on so well after that, for a while. so now i have my frist and second off married, having houses, parents, or planning to, and me, well. im fine with all of that, i really am. i am the happiest i have been in i can't tell you how long. but there are a few things i would like to fall in to place to complete the puzzle. well i gotta hit the hay. its to late for this. i will talk to you soon. i should be home in b-lo fora week at x-mas. post any outings

it was you who were poetry,
to me.
when i did not put pen to the page,
it was my fingers that would etch sonnets
across your shoulders, down your back.
my eyes would see the meter
of my affections, reflected in you.
my love,
as if
spoken softly, with voice lit by candle lite,
or boastfully in auditoriums in public address.
it was the haiku on your lips,
soft, warm, and lingering
or sharp, biting, and frenzied
where i could pick passion
from your breath, alluring and foreign.
for it was you, for whom i would keep the hours, of
lamplite and lovers, to practice this, this beauty of
the heart, spoken with the body, the eyes, in concert.
written for you and
i alone.
it was you who are
poetry
to
me.

i wonder if all backs are the same, if they

have that gentle, curve leading up to long necks of swans etched in marble

so that my hands feel like those of creation whilst i run my fingers

'neath satin sheets and kiss the contours of heaven.

i hope, would have to imagine so,

tis that that drives our hearts, stirs the stary nebula of passion

and desire

well this post is basically in response to dear jenks. monday nite the girl ,KT,i have been dating for the past month and i ended it. well it was over thursday nite when i went out with my buddy jeff drinking, and we hung out with one of our buddies who bartends in rvc at monahagns. good guy from nova scotia, the bartender. and well we got plastered. too many yukon jack, and crown shots (gotta love canadiens). well one of my friends from buffalo came down for the bills jets game with his cousin and well the girl and i didn't speak all weekend. i kinda knew. i was just trying to see if things would work themselves out. i am too quick to dismiss. its bad. so i was trying something new. trying to grow a bit with this person, as cheesy as that sounds. i figure my last relationship, well it started with the heat of thousand suns. and look where it ended up. well thats the second part of this post. but back to this part. a few weeks ago, i didn't return a call in the "appropriate" amount of time, well according to her. so the next day, i was chastised about how it was rude, and" i called you yesterday, and you didn't call me back". yet KT knew i was to be out east. mind you this was after going on 3 dates and talking on the phone for a couple weeks. i got the whole "even my friends don't think its right" and "i don't want to waste my time, im looking for a boyfriend" now i am more inclined to relationships.thats just how i am. but this was fuckin annoying. thing was i was trying to keep the physical aspec at a slower pace, because a lot of times, well that can muddle the water, things that may be clear, well you can't see so well anymore. well after the first late call incident, we hung out a couple times, at my place, but i just wasnt feeling it i guess. i mean there was no desire to make the call this weekend while out having fun, using the soft voie saying "hey! whats up. what are you doing? im at the game, and just wanted to call and say hi." yeah you know what i am talking about. well it wasnt there. so then i knew. well i called monday to apologize for not speaking this weekend, and i got a bit of a bitchy attitude on the phone. which i could understand. i apologized and KT said she didn't think it was going to work, and i said i agreed. well then, i said take care and good nite. took all of 2 min. i felt bad, and still do, but i don't know if its cause i think she liked me a bit more than i liked her, or maybe because it was nice spending time with her. i did like her, and enjoyed her company. but there was no desire. i didn't want to go out and get drunk and dance with her. make her breakfast. read the sunday times with my head in her lap. go see the tree in the city with her. maybe im sad cause i could have spent time with her and now i can't. but honestly its more of a relief. i mean friday nite i went out and had a blast. i have not been out in a while, trying to behave. didn't bother me that we didn't speak. its funny how things work i guess. now tot the second party.
drum roll.......the ex.

we have not spoke since last weekend in august. i did something stupid and since then, well she texted me the frst day of my new job good luck, and that was it. i had responded and asked to go to dinner that week, and i got nothing back. so that was it. well anyone i told about what i did (the stupid thing) they said i was an ass, and i agree, however, it was not such an egregious act that should lead to us not talking or seeing each other when things were starting to go well. so, that being said. monday after i spoke with KT i decide to check my emai. and there in the in box it sat. the subject....... a simple............. hi. unfucking real. i mean seriously. she apologized for writing out of the blue, and says she really hates not talking to me. but she understands why it has to be. (oh yeah so why email me) and she wanted me to know that she has been thinking about me a lot, and hopes i am well. now most will say she is saying that she hopes you are doing well, the holidays are here and well its natural. well she is not one to just send little letters, or emails, or make phone calls. so now, it seems with the holiday "schedule" i am probably going to run into her. i just can't seem to get away from it. it drives me crazy. i mean yeah i think of her, probably everyday. its not all consuming, but there are fleeting moments during the day where i daydream, or i get a feeling in my stomach, my chest. i know what it is, and why its there. but i am also trying to cross that bridge, not because i want to forget about her, or not be with her. because she sill not let it happen. its tiring, and annoying. yet if things would work, on her end, i cannot say i would not take her back. i would. when you have that feeling i guess. i don't know. and its not like i don't go out with other people. i do. and i like other people. ah who knows. it does create sadness and melancholy, but not in a negative way. i am full of happiness now suprisingly. i love my job, and i finally see things going in a great direction. i would say i have a ways to go before i get to certain points, but i love waking up and going to work, and i enjoy things more. i got rid of some people who were detrimental to my whole well being. and i just concentrate on myself. while of course being mindful of others. you know what does annoy me, i wrote this post tuesday and for some f'd up reason i cannot post things sometimes. i get a bad request note and the screen is white. ah hopefully this one works. yeah i would want her back. and part of me thinks it will happen. but until then if ever, i am going to do my thing.