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Theecarey's Journal

theecarey
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04/10/2006 23:20 #35916

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Category: stalkers

Ok, so I figured I have paid off any majorly wrong doings on my part, especially from anything revolving around a guy I dated awhile back. Think: the basic idea of Karma. Or, what comes around goes around. Yeh, thats fun.

Believe me, I have paid. And I have learned. I have moved on. I have gravitated towards better things, better choices, better people..

So, gettign back-- It wasnt what I wanted and I told the guy this. He was adament about trying to work things out.. trying to convince me that we should be together, blah blah blah. Ok, maybe a really good supporting argument could sway my decision, however, this was not the case. Especially since he really knew nothing about me. And...

I just wasn't into him.

Simple as that. And as much as he thought he knew and liked about me, he knew very very little. He wasn't part of my life in any significant way and it was never going to be any different. I began to back off once I realized that he was getting deeper than anything I could offer. I was mystified. Instead of fading away, I chose to confront the situation. I chose to lay it all out there. Basically, "No way, not happening, so sorry, too bad- are you sad?" yeh. I thought being honest was good. But being an asshole, well, just wasnt. I don't intend to start off that way.. but I couldn't shake him. So thats when I began to say stuff more crass and ignore his calls etc.

I had been in these situations too many times. That one happened a long long time ago.

Little background: I wasnt an open person. I was a stranger to the emotional side of things. Reserved, skeptical, aloof, greatly independent. Not interested. No one got in.

Then stuff changed.

You have been part of the process- or atleast have been witness to it. It began, atleast with some awareness and effort just over a year ago. Funny, that the desire to change, do thinsg differently occured around the time of this this dating situation. After all that, I decided to just back off from guys. Not at all because I felt there was anything wrong with them--on the contrary, I felt that there was something wrong with me; and I didn't want to hurt anyone, anymore.. I atleast recognized that it wsnt fair and that i wasnt benefiting from any of it either. So I took time off to get a better grasp on who I am, what I want, etc. I chose not to get involved unless I could say for certain that I was interested and was willing to share who I am--on a deeper level. I didn't even want to get involved with any "in the meantime guys/sex" because in a moment of clarity, I thought it a good choice. Forward to meeting someone I could connect with. Funny how unpprepared I was for that--again, on many levels. Had no idea what I was doing. It may have been the undoing. I learned a lot from that, and continue to..

Yeh, so.. I feel like I am talking about a stranger when I am talking about myself from that earlier period.

Anyway, back to the point.. every once in awhile I get a phone call from this guy. I don't answer and he doesn't leave messages. Ever. WTF? Why why why do that?

I have no idea why he bothers..

I also recently realized that I have not seen nor spoken to him in 19 months. 19 MONTHS!! ... and he's still calling?

Why oh why do the phone calls continue? and never ever a message??? I might just pick up next time.. or just call and ask WHY? I was tempted when he called just a few hours ago. However, my mom was over and I didn't want to get into anything in front of her.

He is officially in my stalker category.

He tries to find my friends (and sometimes succeeds *shivers*)
He called hourly at first, then weekly, then monthly- then nothing at all for awhile.. then just these past few months, has begun calling again. Even on St. Valentines Day. I havent answered a call from him in over 19 months. Come on!

Leave a fucking message.

For all I know, he is a lurker on the strip.. *more shivers*

As far as I know, he doesn't know where I live (I told ya I used to be reserved-unavailable, blah blah blah A good thing in this case.. could be wrong, though. Anything is possible.. )

Its funny though, how we are all bitching about people not being interested in us.. yet I am pretty damn confident that someone is.. What we are really bitching about is that the person(s) that we are interested in are not interested in us.. or soemthing like that. Feel me?

Focus on your friends, family,life interests.. cherish those who are in your life. Keep 'em close.

I am beat. I exercised like 900 calories off this evening. My hair was soaking wet.. took a hot shower, attempted a quick post and now its about time for bed. Get my assup early and do it all again.

So yeh, I like to write. Cant ever make it short.. Now I sleep. mmm dream time. Good night, be good..
Love,
carey



theecarey - 04/11/06 21:48
thanks (e:mrdt).

hehe, the 900 burned cals was high intensity-- I did it in 15 minutes. Nah, it took a bit longer than that ;) I exercise to some degree everyday, varying the intensity, etc. I could use some pointers as I enter into changing things up a bit. Its time to step it up again, add new things, etc..

Last week was a bit rough for me on many levels. I wont go into it here, but basically: I didnt move around as much, I ate more (I think I did anyway- but even so, it may have been a good thing.) Then I vegged for a couple of days. Needed to regroup--which I successfully accomplished. Guess I needed a massive sweat session to do this.

Think I will pull out the scale this week and measuring tape. :D

hah, this should be an email.. catch up w/ you more soon...
mrdt - 04/11/06 02:31
oh yeah, love the new picture. i wish i was as photogenic as you and (e:ladycroft)
mrdt - 04/11/06 02:29
well, i was feelin you until you got to the exercise part... but I can say, you actions and responses are pretty typical of the average introvert. we all do things much like you described them or atleast I do (take time away from girls to figure out why I'm fucked up).
becareful with the amount of exercise you do in one sitting. make workouts brief but intense (sweating doesn't always equal intensity) and regular. to much stress on your body could lead to injury or exhaustion. both will lead to down time where you won't be able or won't want to exercise.
also, something funny happened to me on the treadmill today. i usually do my hiit (high intensity interval training) cardio on the eliptical because its easier to vary my pace and intervals. well anyway I want to start running to improve the endurance my quads/ support muscles...blah, blah, blah. so i was running at a pretty good for like a half an hour then I started checking somebody out turning my head all the way to the side and next thing I know I stepped off the tread of the treadmill. I was like holy shit and grabbed both raillings before the thing shot me off the back. god, that would have been more embarrassing then that time I couldn't get the bar off my chest at the end of a heavy bench press and had to roll it down my body to the floor.
oh, is this your journal

04/09/2006 23:25 #35915

Full Monty Python
Category: comedy
So I hear that Sir Tom Jones is performing at the FallsView Casino tonight!

In the chat earlier, (e:vincent) mentioned he was going to the show (I expect a full report!). I had just listened to, "You can keep your hat on", which can be found on the delightful soundtrack to The Full Monty--all 70s music. Fun Fun. I love that movie! I pulled out my VHS tape and noticed that it has been out since 1997. Wow, doesn't seem that long. Then again, I should have known as I looked through my obscenely large collection of VHS movies. I was going to watch it today, but then got busy doing other stuff. Like staring at the ceiling. No really, I really did that..

And so, for those who have not seen it:
The movie takes place in Sheffield, England. A bunch of guys find themselves unemployed from a steel plant that closed down. Desperate to make some money, they get the idea of stripping to make money. A group of men assemble and practice for their big night on stage. Unlike the Chippendales, who don't take it all off, they decide to go the full monty. The characters are fun--the guys are young, old, thin, chunky tall, short-- and my favorite line, "I need anti fat bastard cream"- they are just a group of real guys who need to make some cash. The movie is about the process of practicing and getting ready for the big night.

I learned that The Full Monty was also a Broadway show that ran from 2000-2003.

The movie is based in Britain, the humor is neither dark nor satirical; but it is witty and just makes me giggle the entire time. I am a big fan of comedy. (ooh, let us peeps go to a comedy show at Comix Cafe or Funny Bone, sometime soon, k?!?)

I enjoy the British humor found in such shows as The Benny Hill show and Monty Python. Both have been kicking around for a long time. I am quite sure that I was watching Benny Hill long before I really knew what any of the subject matter meant. If it were not for those laugh tracks..

As for Monty Python, well that just has a cult following. I recall sitting among a group of friends watching episodes on tv well before it began to run movie length versions.

So yeh, my delighfully warperd imagination morphed the Full Monty with Monty Python ala Benny Hill Style. Can we have some Full Monty Python?! ;)

Also, the peeps within (e:chatter) proudly presents: The Tuna Loins and Education in Pornography-- two new bands without band members, instruments or a genre of music to play. But they are cool and are totally groupie worthy; even if they only exist in our imagination. Move over Warped Tour, these bands are exclusive to estripfest (e:strip)fest!

other highlights from a day in the life of Thee Carey:

  • stared at the ceiling. I told you I did. It was wonderful. It was part of my life choice/life direction rumination. No writing, just thinking. The ceiling in the red room (fireplace, comfy leather, one giant red wall, books, no tv,) is made of knotty pine. It is visually pleasing and adds depth and warmth to the room. The variations in the wood is apparently interesting to look at, as I got lost in my thoughts staring up at the ceiling, wrapped in a soft blanket and my cat Joe purring on my chest.
yeh, eventually I dozed off. My thoughts either bored me or I succumbed to the power of cat purrs. I am betting on the latter.

  • grocery shopping. Pad Thai noodles (rice flour and water) $5.27 OR Japenese rice sticks (same size, shape, rice flour and water) $1.47. Guess which package I bought. hehe, Guess what this girl is making sometime this week ;)

  • cleaned out the front seat of my car. It is a typical Sunday chore. It will be trashd by Tuesday.I am gifted like that.

  • Busy/fun weekend but managed to carve out some serious veg time. Check this out: I watched a lot of tv over the weekend. I didn't put any thought in selecting a show to watch. It was entirely random and I found myself too lazy to apply pressure to the remote control. I was humored by this "lack of motication, I will just watch endless hours of tv" ('cause I rarely do it) but I am now feeling the brain sludge of over consumption of cable programs, even if they were entertaining: Trading Spouses, Pepper Dennis, My Name is Earl, Myth Busters, How Do I Look?, Evening News, Fear Factor Couples, Sex in the City, and a few others, I am sure..

  • Gas prices are up again. Even the prices at the Res sucks. Bah.

Thats about it. This is going to be a great week. I insist.

Off to read before bed..

Be good..
Carey


metalpeter - 04/10/06 19:12
I have seen some Monty Phyton some of it is verry funny and some of it is like what the hell is going on, huh. But I have never seen any of the movies. John Clese was in another show You might like (I have only seen a few clips of it) called Faltey Towers. I belive it predates Monty Python and is about a hotel it is suposed to be Preaty funny They had a Special On PBS about the show before PBS started showing the best of Monty Pyhton not sure where you would find it on Video or DVD, but it is something you might like.
vincent - 04/10/06 00:32
Just got back in, it was a killer show. I have to be up in less than 6 hours and I am afraid that I may be coming down with something.

Snapped a few pics I'll post them when my head is a bit clear.

04/08/2006 11:25 #35914

Must Have More
Category: silliness
It is Saturday and bright with sunshine.

I went to bed early last night, after some wonderful wine consumption and a few hot games of mahjong. Strange dreams were had.. not disturbing, but certainly thought provoking...

So, on todays agenda..

  • quick clean of my apartment

  • coffee

  • thai food

  • ponderment/contemplation of life

  • more quality time with friends...

  • I'd like to go see The Benchwarmers, the movie just came out last night.



....because this seriously humored me, I have added it to my links..

snagged from (e:museumchick,2)

pop! pop! pop!

Excellent links for those who love bubble wrap. It isn't quite the same as the real thing, but it does provide some satisfaction. I love the "Manic Mode". That is sooo me. Even more so, when you hit, "Fresh Sheet" and it says.. "must have more" hehehe

brutal.

Hope everyone has a great day.. see ya later

xo Carey
theecarey - 04/09/06 00:23
Ladies, don't fret.. we will make time for Thai again soon..
jenks - 04/08/06 12:20
sorry I can't make thai... didn't know it was happening when I have to work. :(
pyrcedgrrl - 04/08/06 12:05
Must be nice. *pouts, stomps foot* I'm @ work today. :p

04/06/2006 23:27 #35913

The days of wine and roses
Category: perseverence
Vitae Summa Brevis Spem Nos Vetat Incohare Longam

I came home from class a bit early due to nausea that has been coming and going all day long along with a headache. I rarely get headaches...ouch. Something going around at work. I intended to be asleep by now, but I am not quite able to fall asleep. Thinking and brainaches are keeping me up. I turn to a book of poetry to help calm my mind..

So I revisted an anthology of poetry that spans over six centuries. Interesting that some things, in regards to feelings and other related heart/headaches remain the same, despite time. Don't we ever figure it out? get it right? lol...

I include in this post, specific lines from poems that I can relate to (and/or like how they sound..)

excerpt from, With You a Part of Me - George Santayana

"...Your gift of charity and young heart's ease,
And the dear honor of your amity;
For these once mine, my life rich with these.
And I scarce know which part may greater be--
What I keep of you, or you rob from me."




excerpt from, Somewhere I Have Never Travelled- E.E. Cummings

"(I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)"




heh..

excerpt from, Solitude- Harold Monro

"When you have tidied all things for the night,
And while your thoughts are fading to their sleep,
You'll pause a moment in the late firelight,
Too sorrowful to weep..."



There are plenty of others..

Don't laugh. I have always liked LL Cool J. Especially the 'old school' variety. I aimed to have a song as a user sound but all of what I have tends to be too large. Especially one in particular.. So, in its entirety, the lyrics from LL Cool J's, I need Love. Feeling cheesy and I just don't care, haha.. read it, you get the idea.. Maybe you will know what I mean. Simple stuff, yet so complicated?


I Need Love

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here
Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy
I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet
It's deja vu whenever I'm with you
I could go on forever telling you what I do
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure you ain't in my closet, or under my rug
this love search is really making me bug
And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasy's can run but they can't hide
and when I find you I'm gon' pour all my love inside
I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone
Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall
I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
yo''re as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel
It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget
I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
this whole experience has been such a revelation
It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch
Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands
I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl
I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I'll be waiting
I love you.


Good night
xo Carey

04/06/2006 00:05 #35912

Sabres and Motorcycles
Category: engines
My friend Damien builds stuff. He made the following bike from scratch. It was on display recently at HSBC Arena (or whatever that place is called..)

I assume it is back at the shop at this point. His girlfriend, Lynn, sent me the pics and I thought I would post them. They are both good friends of mine, both of whom I went to school with. Damien went to Lewiston-Porter and Lynn went to Wilson. They both reside in Wilson now. I don't get out to see them nearly as much as I used to. They are wonderful people..

Not much of a bike person myself, but I can appreciate just about anything with an engine, especially when I know and am proud of the person who put it all together.

Enjoy :)

[link=www.radioactivecycles.com]www.radioactivecycles.com[/link]
image

image

oh yeh, notice that the shift or something or other is a sword. OY, I have lost my capacity to think at this moment.. hehe

Have a good nigth everyone.. my school paper is about done. I can wrap up the rest just before class.

Wish me sweet dreams...

xo carey


metalpeter - 04/06/06 19:00
that is one cool and interesting motorcycle.
leetee - 04/06/06 00:10
Sweet dreams...

of riding down the road with the wind in your hair? :O)