Why is it that I waste so much of my valuable time and energy thinking/talking/crying about this stupid person who is now my ex-boyfriend, who broke up with me for reasons that I still don't know (and probably never will), broke my heart and made me feel worse than anyone ever has? WHY? I am surrounded by people who appreciate me for who I am, who love me, who would do anything for me. I'm so damn lucky. Yet every morning when I wake up, and every night before I fall asleep, and every spare minute of the day, my thoughts go back to one stupid person.
I know that I'm the better person. And I'm not just saying that...EVERY SINGLE PERSON I talked to about it afterwards confided in me that the whole time I dated this douchebag, they thought he treated me badly and controlled me and was downright mean to me. They honestly told me I was better off without him. And I know it's true. He is the most emotionally immature person I've ever met. He's unromantic, insensitive, thoughtless, etc. And sadly, I would have told you the same thing when we were dating. Why on earth did I stay with him then? Why didn't I DUMP HIM? For God's sake, he took pretty much every opportunity he could to remind me that I hadn't exercised on a given day and that I might be getting fat. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT. First of all, I'm not fat. Like, I could DEFINITELY stand to get rid of some flab (WHICH I am doing...yay running...I'm running better now than I ever have before), but I am not fat. Yet he basically convinced that I without a doubt was overweight and needed to exercise a lot. He claimed that he didn't mean it, and that he did find ways to compliment me in his OWN way...but that's bullshit. No one should have to try to find hidden compliments in your boyfriend's comments. He totally played with my mind and teased me and treated me terribly. And I didn't do anything about it. At all. I never made him prove himself to me in any way. I was afraid to try anything like that because I think deep inside I wasn't sure if he would really come back. But now looking back, I really should have. It would have saved me a lot of pain.
I know for sure that I'm emotionally and psychologically scarred from this relationship. I guess the fact that I know that will make it better for me to heal the wounds. Reflecting on my relationship with him has caused me a lot of pain and anger, but it's also made me open my goddamn eyes and realize EXACTLY the kind of boyfriend that I will eventually need when I'm ready for the next one. I know it sounds like "holy shit, this girl needs to find a nice guy right now so she doesn't lose faith in men." Well I haven't lost my faith. But I know a rebound is not what I need. I think it would be extremely unwise of me to consider dating anyone until I reach a point in my life where I'm completely satisfied with what I'm doing and who I am. For instance, if I have a good job, or I've gotten into good shape...or when I can wake up and think of something OTHER than him. Until all this is true, it would be wrong to date anybody. (Not that I'm getting tons of offers.)
Oh well. It really is his loss. Like what is he thinking? His family totally loved me. I seriously don't see how he could find someone better. Honestly. I'm not ltotally full of myself but I'm confident enough to know that I'm a girl who makes a good girlfriend. No, a great girlfriend. And I was totally in love with him and his family and I don't see how he'll find someone as good as me. But that obviously isn't my problem.
Dating people is great but breaking up sucks so bad it almost seems pointless to do it in the first place. I know I'll be a better person because of it and time will heal all the pain. For once, I wish time would move a little faster so I can get rid of all this sadness and anger.
Mk's Journal
My Podcast Link
02/20/2006 16:56 #29263
cuz breakin up is hard to dooo...02/17/2006 09:40 #29262
What's up doc (what a great movie)Category: artisan bread
How nice to come to work in the morning with such sweet comments on my latest journal :) Thanks (e:Maureen), (e:Jessbob) and (e:Joshua)...I hope you are right and that I will be super...almost as good as Duca, but I don't know if I should strive for that level of greatness.
Congrats to (e:Mike) and (e:Jill) for joining the world of the BAC! I will continue to be a member of the world of crazies who run outside in winter as it seems to fit my schedule better. We'll see who's hotter this summer while we're soaking up the sun at the beach (just like we do every summer...)
What else? Why is it that some people like chronically do not call or e-mail back? Maybe it's just me and I'm not worth the effort, but I have a couple friends that pretty much never call or write back to me. It's like I have to hunt them down. I even e-mailed a friend of mine with a pretty important favor (that we discussed in person) and he still hasn't responded. I can't stand selfish people.
OMG the freakin receptionist at the office is SO ANNOYING when she buzzes people to tell them they have a phone call. First of all, it beeps over the loudspeaker to begin with, then she seriously screams your name directly afterwards. How fun to be sitting in a silent room and be interrupted by: "...beep[size=l]MARYKATE?"[/size]
I'll stop rambling now. It's just that no one has anything for me to do and rather than try to find something to do, I'd rather be doing this. I wish I was subbing today but virtually every school in the area is closed because of high winds, etc. It's really fun being in a tall building on windy days. There's no school next week either because of winter recess so I will be in the office again...HELP!
Congrats to (e:Mike) and (e:Jill) for joining the world of the BAC! I will continue to be a member of the world of crazies who run outside in winter as it seems to fit my schedule better. We'll see who's hotter this summer while we're soaking up the sun at the beach (just like we do every summer...)
What else? Why is it that some people like chronically do not call or e-mail back? Maybe it's just me and I'm not worth the effort, but I have a couple friends that pretty much never call or write back to me. It's like I have to hunt them down. I even e-mailed a friend of mine with a pretty important favor (that we discussed in person) and he still hasn't responded. I can't stand selfish people.
OMG the freakin receptionist at the office is SO ANNOYING when she buzzes people to tell them they have a phone call. First of all, it beeps over the loudspeaker to begin with, then she seriously screams your name directly afterwards. How fun to be sitting in a silent room and be interrupted by: "...beep[size=l]MARYKATE?"[/size]
I'll stop rambling now. It's just that no one has anything for me to do and rather than try to find something to do, I'd rather be doing this. I wish I was subbing today but virtually every school in the area is closed because of high winds, etc. It's really fun being in a tall building on windy days. There's no school next week either because of winter recess so I will be in the office again...HELP!
02/16/2006 13:14 #29261
Maybe I got a job???Category: work
I had an interview this morning for a long term substitute position. I would be teaching high school chorus, 3 middle school choruses, and some general music classes. It went really well and I'm excited. Of course one of the first things I read when I got home was the live journal of a girl I graduated with who teaches in Williamsville. The whole article was basically dedicated to how much she hates teaching and can't wait till the year is over so she can go to grad school for something entirely different. The odd thing is, I always thought she was the best one in our methods classes and had the most potential. And now she hates teaching music! I hope I won't suffer the same fate! Yikes!!!
codypomeray - 02/21/06 00:06
congrats on the interview. good luck hopefully you will get the position!! I know what it is like trying to get a new job. no fun. especially when you have all of the other personal stuff going on in your life. i undestand that too. just hang with all of the people who love you, thats what i do. you have to. they will help you get through this rough spot. i hope everything works out for you. :)
congrats on the interview. good luck hopefully you will get the position!! I know what it is like trying to get a new job. no fun. especially when you have all of the other personal stuff going on in your life. i undestand that too. just hang with all of the people who love you, thats what i do. you have to. they will help you get through this rough spot. i hope everything works out for you. :)
maureen - 02/16/06 22:39
yay (e:MK), you're going to be a fabulous music teacher...better than any we had :)
yay (e:MK), you're going to be a fabulous music teacher...better than any we had :)
joshua - 02/16/06 18:59
Congrats! Having gone through school as a music person I'm happy to hear that you may be getting your foot in the door. The music teachers at my high school were always the more colorful people in the building.
Don't let one persons experience teaching prejudice your thoughts on it. Your friend may have had the ability but for some reason or another its not for her. Knowing about what you teach is one thing, but being able to actually execute the job is another! I don't know you well or anything, but you seem to have the right personality to succeed.
Congrats! Having gone through school as a music person I'm happy to hear that you may be getting your foot in the door. The music teachers at my high school were always the more colorful people in the building.
Don't let one persons experience teaching prejudice your thoughts on it. Your friend may have had the ability but for some reason or another its not for her. Knowing about what you teach is one thing, but being able to actually execute the job is another! I don't know you well or anything, but you seem to have the right personality to succeed.
jessbob - 02/16/06 13:51
Congrats on the interview and I'm glad it went well. I'm sure you will love being a teacher and be an awesome one (think mr laduca) just kidding
Congrats on the interview and I'm glad it went well. I'm sure you will love being a teacher and be an awesome one (think mr laduca) just kidding
02/14/2006 14:18 #29260
yummy in my tummyI'm obessed with making this lately...
MK's (current) Favorite Dessert:
1 large bowl of Jell-O Instant Vanilla Pudding (directions are on box)
A fairly ripe banana (or 2), sliced
A box of Nilla wafers
Combine ingredients in a large bowl in the following manner:
(from bottom of bowl)
Layer 1 - Nilla Wafers (whole)
Layer 2 - Pudding
Layer 3 - Banana slices (with a few Nilla Wafers crumbled on top)
Repeat layers until ingredients are gone and/or bowl is full.
Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate before eating (unless you can't wait that long).
...Heaven. It's even better after it's been refrigerated for a couple days.
MK's (current) Favorite Dessert:
1 large bowl of Jell-O Instant Vanilla Pudding (directions are on box)
A fairly ripe banana (or 2), sliced
A box of Nilla wafers
Combine ingredients in a large bowl in the following manner:
(from bottom of bowl)
Layer 1 - Nilla Wafers (whole)
Layer 2 - Pudding
Layer 3 - Banana slices (with a few Nilla Wafers crumbled on top)
Repeat layers until ingredients are gone and/or bowl is full.
Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate before eating (unless you can't wait that long).
...Heaven. It's even better after it's been refrigerated for a couple days.
hodown - 02/14/06 15:06
That was on the Issac show this week. He said it was so trailer trash good, I have to agree. Try adding whip cream/cool whip to the pudding for extra fatass goodness..
That was on the Issac show this week. He said it was so trailer trash good, I have to agree. Try adding whip cream/cool whip to the pudding for extra fatass goodness..
02/09/2006 10:50 #29259
who am i anyway? am i my resume?Category: grab bag
[size=s](who knows what musical the quote in my subject is from?)[/size]
Yesterday was my first adventure in substitute teaching. It was actually totally fine, it was really easy. I only did half a day. Hooray for me.
This morning I was called again to substitute for a high school boy's gym class. I declined for the obvious reason that that would be the worst thing ever.
I got my hair cut and my hairdresser talked me into buying expensive hair gel. Hopefully it will make an enormous difference in my life.
ps I do have another job so that when I decline substitute teaching jobs I don't just sit on my ass. Okay well I actually do but I get paid to do it. Working at an office is entertaining enough when I'm busy but I will be glad to not have to do it every day.
I like to run.
I get to see Renee Fleming's dress rehearsal at Kleinhan's for free by pretending to still be a student at Fredonia. I'm excited, as long as I don't run into a certain individual. Read about Renee.
I'm acquaintances with her half brother. I actually don't even love her voice but she's like the most famous soprano in the world so it's pretty great to see her for free.
As usual I will end with some pictures summing up my entry. (By usual I mean I have done this like twice before.)
(I sort of combined two ideas with this picture.)
hey (e:jessbob) and (e:maureen)...we miss you!
Yesterday was my first adventure in substitute teaching. It was actually totally fine, it was really easy. I only did half a day. Hooray for me.
This morning I was called again to substitute for a high school boy's gym class. I declined for the obvious reason that that would be the worst thing ever.
I got my hair cut and my hairdresser talked me into buying expensive hair gel. Hopefully it will make an enormous difference in my life.
ps I do have another job so that when I decline substitute teaching jobs I don't just sit on my ass. Okay well I actually do but I get paid to do it. Working at an office is entertaining enough when I'm busy but I will be glad to not have to do it every day.
I like to run.
I get to see Renee Fleming's dress rehearsal at Kleinhan's for free by pretending to still be a student at Fredonia. I'm excited, as long as I don't run into a certain individual. Read about Renee.
I'm acquaintances with her half brother. I actually don't even love her voice but she's like the most famous soprano in the world so it's pretty great to see her for free. As usual I will end with some pictures summing up my entry. (By usual I mean I have done this like twice before.)
(I sort of combined two ideas with this picture.)
hey (e:jessbob) and (e:maureen)...we miss you!
I've heard that breaking up is like greiving, but it's for a relationship, not a loved one... 'cause that loved one is still walking around able to do stuff that may hurt.
I wish you all the speediness of the relationship greiving process that is possible. Sounds like your heart just needs to catch up with what your brain already knows. Good Luck!!
Love ya (E:mk), and whenver you are lonely or feel upset, just think of this :::link::: (scroll down)
love you (e:mk)...and he was never good enough for you, that's fo' sho!
Yeah, breaking up sucks.
Whatever happens, do _not_ take him back when he comes crawling on his knees! ;-)
yeah, you're not alone, that's for sure!
((hugs))
Hmm, are you sure you're not actually me? My relationship/breakup was exactly the same.
No point in me whining about mine, so I'll just say that it sounds like you have your head on straight about it all... Good luck to you. Time helps. You're not alone. :)