Sometimes people can be so disappointing. I can't believe I let myself trust someone that I hardly knew so much that I completely ignored all the signals that they would hurt me. Now I feel unsafe and betrayed and it's really all my fault. I'm not safe because I don't protect myself and I couldn't be betrayed if I chose the right people to trust.
I am so naïve sometimes that it scares me.
The worst part is that I don't want to confront him for fear that they might feel embarrassed or ashamed. Why can't I bear it if he feels bad after what he did? And why do I still feel obligated to help him? Why do I feel like I'd let myself down if I don't stay the course? This is insane.
Maureen's Journal
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07/17/2006 00:31 #27729
So disheartened07/15/2006 22:16 #27728
A good week homeI can't believe how many pictures I took while I was home for just a week. I guess it makes it feel like longer when I look back and I have 100+ photos of my friends and fam from this summer. Here are just a couple of the ones I took.
First the 4th of July at Riverside...
Before the Fireworks
l
Mike and Dave during the show
Our great fire
Mike and Teres at the beach
Last Saturday was the perfect summer day. Mike, Teres and I went to the Taste of BUffalo in the morning. After we came back Jill joined us at my house and we went into the hottub and then sat outside chatting. In the evening we went to Kenmore Days to see the best fireworks show ever.
Taken by Mike in my backyard
What a face
Sun-bathing beauties
If I was going to be home for only a week this summer I'm so glad I picked that week. Mike was off of work for most of the time and Teres didn't start her job yet. Being home really isn't the same if I can't spend most of my time with my friends. Thanks everyone for making my time home so great :)
First the 4th of July at Riverside...
Before the Fireworks
l
Mike and Dave during the show
Our great fire
Mike and Teres at the beach
Last Saturday was the perfect summer day. Mike, Teres and I went to the Taste of BUffalo in the morning. After we came back Jill joined us at my house and we went into the hottub and then sat outside chatting. In the evening we went to Kenmore Days to see the best fireworks show ever.
Taken by Mike in my backyard
What a face
Sun-bathing beauties
If I was going to be home for only a week this summer I'm so glad I picked that week. Mike was off of work for most of the time and Teres didn't start her job yet. Being home really isn't the same if I can't spend most of my time with my friends. Thanks everyone for making my time home so great :)
07/05/2006 10:28 #27727
Celebrating the 4thYesterday was a very enjoyable 4th of July for me. I spent the day with my mom cleaning her car. She had not be exposed to the wonders of Oxyclean before so I had a lot to teach her. Then I went to a bbq at (e:beast)'s house. There was so much freakin food! Seriously since I've been home (which has only been 4 days) I have eaten more than all of the previous days this summer combined. Ugh... it's all so good but then again I feel so gross after. After the food we went to the Riverside carnival and got... more food. (e:beast) and I shared funnel cake, (e:jill) and jim got fried dough, and (e:mike) and (e:libertad) got a pretzel and (e:diana) and matt got something that I can't remember. My point: mooooore food. The fireworks were hopefully just a warm up for Kenmore Days, which was an extravaganza last year, because they were a bit uninspired. Still it was fun to watch them with lots of people. FInally to end the evening we had a fire in (e:beast)'s back yard and made s'mores. Making the fire was much more challenging than lighting the girl (who would have thought?). We could have used (e:jessbob) to help us. All in all, it was a very fun 4th. Thanks (e:beast) for hosting! I took about a million pictures so maybe I'll post a couple choice ones later. I know I have some goodies :)
libertad - 07/05/06 22:34
Hey Maureen,
It was great to get to know you a little bit. Wish you could stay more.
Hey Maureen,
It was great to get to know you a little bit. Wish you could stay more.
07/03/2006 10:24 #27726
Home in the BuffI am officially on vacation and home in Buffalo. Since I got home on Thursday night it's been pretty busy. On Friday, (e:beast) and I got up super early to go to (e:Jessbob)'s graduation in Syracuse, successfully missing the tornado. How crazy that there would be a tornado! Anyway, the graduation was kind of long and boring but the whole trip was fun and it was worth it to see Jesse.
On Friday, (e:beast) and I went out and (e:mike) joined up later. I forgot what going out with (e:beast) can be like since she always has crazy goals for the evening and likes to be dared to do wild things. So not like me at all, so it's fun to witness. As for my goals for this week in buffalo, I need to go to the beach (pray for rain-free days!), go to Taste of Buffalo, see Mary and Nana, and of course go to fireworks on the 4th! Coming home is always so great but a week isn't long enough and things feel a little bit rushed. Hopefully I'll get to do lots of stuff so that I feel like I got my fill.
Before I left Boston I had the most brilliant idea for my neighbors. I found a person I thik will be perfect to live with them when I move but in the meantime I've been worried about them whenever I'm gone. Their set-up of living in two different apartments is risky because if one of them falls or needs help the other may night come across the hall for hours. So when I was at work one day I thought of the perfect thing for them: walkie talkies! I went to radio shack and got them a set with a 5 mile range, little belt clips and no fancy buttons. When I brought them over, it was a huge successful. I spent the night sitting in their apartment listening to them talk to each other through the walkie talkies while both sitting in their living room, haha. It was so funny to hear the things they would say to each other just because they were using walkie talkies. They recited poetry, Beatrice called Nathan "old chap," it was too cute. It reminded me of when my Grandpa got his first cell phone a long time ago and used to call my Grandma when she was in the kitchen and he was upstairs. They thought it was hysterical. Anyway, I think they might actually use the radios so I finally feel like I've had success in something.
Anyway, it's good to be home. I hope this week goes by slooooowly.
On Friday, (e:beast) and I went out and (e:mike) joined up later. I forgot what going out with (e:beast) can be like since she always has crazy goals for the evening and likes to be dared to do wild things. So not like me at all, so it's fun to witness. As for my goals for this week in buffalo, I need to go to the beach (pray for rain-free days!), go to Taste of Buffalo, see Mary and Nana, and of course go to fireworks on the 4th! Coming home is always so great but a week isn't long enough and things feel a little bit rushed. Hopefully I'll get to do lots of stuff so that I feel like I got my fill.
Before I left Boston I had the most brilliant idea for my neighbors. I found a person I thik will be perfect to live with them when I move but in the meantime I've been worried about them whenever I'm gone. Their set-up of living in two different apartments is risky because if one of them falls or needs help the other may night come across the hall for hours. So when I was at work one day I thought of the perfect thing for them: walkie talkies! I went to radio shack and got them a set with a 5 mile range, little belt clips and no fancy buttons. When I brought them over, it was a huge successful. I spent the night sitting in their apartment listening to them talk to each other through the walkie talkies while both sitting in their living room, haha. It was so funny to hear the things they would say to each other just because they were using walkie talkies. They recited poetry, Beatrice called Nathan "old chap," it was too cute. It reminded me of when my Grandpa got his first cell phone a long time ago and used to call my Grandma when she was in the kitchen and he was upstairs. They thought it was hysterical. Anyway, I think they might actually use the radios so I finally feel like I've had success in something.
Anyway, it's good to be home. I hope this week goes by slooooowly.
06/26/2006 14:27 #27725
Rain, rain, go away!I swear it has been raining here for a million days in a row. I feel like I've come home sogging and gross every day for months. It's uncomfortable to wear shorts and sandals, even though it's hot out. If it rains in Buffalo when I'm home next week, we'll know it's me.
Anyway, work has been so stressful lately. My normall autonomous job has become totally prescribed ever day because the feds are coming in a month. The research I'm working on right now evaluates the Head Start program to determine if it adequately meets the needs of "high-risk" populations in Boston. Without doing this, I could pretty much tell you the answer. Nonetheless, our work is interesting and feels very much tied to practical concerns. It's really not my style of analysis and data collection but we have a huge population and a lot of federal money so I think it will be fruitful. And the money leads me to "the feds" and their visit. It's so frustrating because they won't tell us ahead of time what they want to look at when they come, so we end up preparing a million reports and wasting lots of time. One group that came just wanted to know how we were using the money. Another group that came one time wanted to know preliminary findings that seems solid so that they could start to implement changes in the program before we finish the project (it's going to go on for 3 years). It's very hard to plan for a presentation when you don't know the point of the visit!
Besides work being busy, home has been busy too. I've been spending most of my free time with my neighbors lately. They have agreed to let me find them another student to live in their apartment. In the meantime I'm helping out until I move. Honestly, being with them is helping me learn a lot about myself. They challenge me by requiring that I relate to a different time and mentality. Beatrice also challenges my patience and understanding. Her depression has led her to make unkind comments towards me in the past week. At first I was totally devasted by the things she said. She didn't mean them in a cruel way but I was still heartbroken. My grandmother has behaved in the same way since my grandfather's death so I've dealt with these feelings before. Still it was so hard for me to accept that I can't change her feelings, make her happier, or have everyone like me. Her husband has only gotten more wonderful while she has been getting worse. I brought them cake two days ago and today he returned my plate with a note asking if he can be my "honorary grandfather... or would that be great-grandfather?" haha. In the past couple days I've been getting better dealing with Beatrice too. I've decided to be cheerful when I'm hurt and accommodating when she's unhappy. I now know that she doesn't like her tea very hot (something to do with an article she read about chinese men getting stomach cancer or something) and she doesn't like when I wear flip-flops. Such little things are easy to handle so that's how I'm going to tackle it from now on. One little things to make things easier at a time.
Anyway, work has been so stressful lately. My normall autonomous job has become totally prescribed ever day because the feds are coming in a month. The research I'm working on right now evaluates the Head Start program to determine if it adequately meets the needs of "high-risk" populations in Boston. Without doing this, I could pretty much tell you the answer. Nonetheless, our work is interesting and feels very much tied to practical concerns. It's really not my style of analysis and data collection but we have a huge population and a lot of federal money so I think it will be fruitful. And the money leads me to "the feds" and their visit. It's so frustrating because they won't tell us ahead of time what they want to look at when they come, so we end up preparing a million reports and wasting lots of time. One group that came just wanted to know how we were using the money. Another group that came one time wanted to know preliminary findings that seems solid so that they could start to implement changes in the program before we finish the project (it's going to go on for 3 years). It's very hard to plan for a presentation when you don't know the point of the visit!
Besides work being busy, home has been busy too. I've been spending most of my free time with my neighbors lately. They have agreed to let me find them another student to live in their apartment. In the meantime I'm helping out until I move. Honestly, being with them is helping me learn a lot about myself. They challenge me by requiring that I relate to a different time and mentality. Beatrice also challenges my patience and understanding. Her depression has led her to make unkind comments towards me in the past week. At first I was totally devasted by the things she said. She didn't mean them in a cruel way but I was still heartbroken. My grandmother has behaved in the same way since my grandfather's death so I've dealt with these feelings before. Still it was so hard for me to accept that I can't change her feelings, make her happier, or have everyone like me. Her husband has only gotten more wonderful while she has been getting worse. I brought them cake two days ago and today he returned my plate with a note asking if he can be my "honorary grandfather... or would that be great-grandfather?" haha. In the past couple days I've been getting better dealing with Beatrice too. I've decided to be cheerful when I'm hurt and accommodating when she's unhappy. I now know that she doesn't like her tea very hot (something to do with an article she read about chinese men getting stomach cancer or something) and she doesn't like when I wear flip-flops. Such little things are easy to handle so that's how I'm going to tackle it from now on. One little things to make things easier at a time.
wowser... i am sexxxy!
Verry nice pictures thanks for sharing.