my grandfather died. I can't believe it has been that long. It seems like it just happened and my pain is still so fresh.

My grandfather was the best man I have ever known. He is probably the only male reason I am not (at least in my opinion) completely screwed up. He was much more of a father to me than my real father could ever be. He made me believe in myself and taught me the lessons that I carry with me everyday.

My grandfather was honorable. I still think about the way he treated my great-grandmother (his mother-in-law) when she was in a nursing home. My great-grandmother never liked my grandpa. She did not think he was good enough for her daughter and to insult him she called him "Dagwood" instead of his real name. Even after 50 years of being treated like he wasn't good enough, my grandfather went to visit his mother-in-law alone EVERY SINGLE DAY in the nursing home until she died. He made these visits for years, even after she didn't even know that he was there anymore. Once, when I was younger, my cousin and I mimicked some of the things that my great-grandmother said and my grandfather reprimanded us. He said we needed to respect her because she was a wonderful, intelligent woman. I couldn't believe that he could see her as that when she had treated him so poorly.

Although my grandpa cared for my great-grandmother, he really visited her because it was important to my grandma (who couldn't leave their house). His love for my grandmother is what I will search for my whole life. He adored her completely but still saw her for who she was, a flawed person. My grandparents did not have the perfect life together. My grandmother was anorexic for much of their marriage and ended up in the hospital over and over for years. My grandfather tried every type of treatment he could for her. Once when I asked if it made him mad that she wouldn't just eat (I was little), he said he didn't know why she was sick but that even if she stayed sick forever, it was worth being with her because of everything she gave him. It sounds simple but I don't know how many people could say something like that and really mean it. My grandfather always meant what he said.

To people who didn't know him, these stories may make my grandpa sound like a pushover but he was far from it. He served in the air force and refused to accept a purple heart for saving the lives of his crew because he didn't feel that what happened was something that should be celebrated. He never told that story, my grandmother did.

My grandfather had fierce integrity and I loved him so much. I used to talk to him every day and now all I can do is think of him instead. I try to consider what he would do when I have big decisions to make and I always think about whether or not my actions would make him proud. I still can't believe he is gone. I am so lucky to have him in my heart still but I wish I could have had him just a little longer. Most of all I wish that he could know that I am okay. He was so worried about me for the months before he died and I hate that he never saw that I was okay. I wish he knew that the strength I used to get better in those times came from him. I wish there was some way he could have known that he was more than everything to me.

Happy 23rd Birthday Mike!!!! I love you and I'm glad I got to see you turn the big two three. Sorry I can't be there for your party. Trust me, I would much rather be in Buffalo than in school. Have a great year Mikey, you totally deserve it. :)

So tonight I saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I have wanted to see since the trailer first came out. Anyway, I totally loved it. It reminded me a little bit of the summer vacations I used to take with my grandpa and cousin. The most random things used to happen to us and leaving me with a lot of good stories to look back on. I don't know why, but I love super-awkward characters in movies. For some reason, scenes that make me squirm with embarrassment are really enjoyable. The same thing kind of goes for me in real life. I've always found socially awkward people really endearing. I think it's because I feel like that all the time myself, so I can identify with the struggle and embarrassment. Anyway, the point of this rambling post was to recommend that when Little Miss Sunshine opens in Buffalo ((e:Mike) said it's not out yet?) everyone should see it. The audience I was part of applauded at the end so I feel pretty secure in suggesting it. That's all for now... enjoy!

I'm at work and I'm bored. There's nothing to do right now and it's hard to sit here when it's so sunny out. Maybe I can make up some little projects for myself... although that would require more motivation than I expect to have today. We'll see.

So the past couple weeks have been rough, sort of. Now, however, I'm all moved in to my new condo and I really like to people in the building. I think that the hard times are passing (knock on wood for me when you read that). Yesterday we all spent hours weeding our front yard and cleaning up the back of the house. There are exciting ideas swirling around about getting a table and chairs and some tiki lights for our back and having weekly cookouts. Since we haven't gotten the table and chairs yet, we just pulled the grill to the front and ate on our porch last night. Okay, it was little white trash (especially with about 10 cans of garbage by the curb for pick-up) but it was fun. A couple of our neighbors even came over to introduce themselves and one couple brought us champagne (much nicer than a casserole!).

My apartment is also coming along pretty well. I love the colors I painted on all the walls. I really had no confidence in any of my decorating decisions before but now I realize that even if it's not stylish I can definitely say it's me. It's nice to sit on my couch and look around and take a big happy breath. I've definitely been doing some of the "I live alone" staples, too. I walk around naked, leave the bathroom door open and have 25 pairs of only my shoes by the door. It's lovely. Still I'm only partially used to all the alone time. That will come, I hope.

Anyway, I hope everyone is well. It's a nice feeling when all the growing pains that come with big changes subside for a little while. I hope this reprieve lasts long enough for me to catch my breath... and enjoy some of the nice (rain-free) weather.

This is the most miserable week and it's only Tuesday. First with what happened this weekend and now everything else. It seems like everything bad and crazy happens at once and then for weeks there is nothing going on and that makes me crazy too. I guess I'm pretty hard to please.

Work is nuts because of the feds coming to audit us. We've known about this for over a month so all of my reports have been done for a while. Of course the other people in my office are running around all day trying to throw things together for Friday. I know I shouldn't be pissed by it makes me so mad that we have this huge grant and they're putting it at risk because they can't get their shit together. We've been doing good work but you wouldn't know it from the shoddy work they're doing now. Plus, I've been spending all my time working of their stuff. What the hell.

Also I have to move this week. I hate packing and that's probably because I suck at it. I have a million boxes filled and still half my stuff left. It's a big mess and having stuff out of place makes my anal self feel totally crazy.

And it's unbelievably hot... but my office is freezing.