let's see... I just feel very strange right now, the same way I felt all last night. It's hard to explain I guess; it seems I am feeling a mixture of things. I will try to explain further. Have you ever realized that you don't quite fit in where you used to? The place and people that were a part of you just seem like they have no clue. That is kinda it. I don't like it. Maybe the tv just completely put me off. Dont get me wrong, I do sometimes indulge in the horrible spectacle machine, but never when I am at a reunion of sorts with people I never see. Are we that conditioned just just turn on the picture box, rather than creating some sort of entertainment for ourselves? I should think that I have stuff to say, and that friends would want to hear it. Well, some people are still in the little bubble that they came into this world in. No, the Gap is not a good place to shop, and I don't care about their stupid tank tops. I don't care about American Idol, and who is going to win and produce one of the most horrible records ever. The Swan is awful too, and why would you ever want to become a lab rat, and let someone completely transform you without having any say, or even being able to see yorself. The power of transformation should be self-given. Why do Americans feed into such complete bullshit?

Sure, I like to shop, and wear makeup, and dress up, but I like who I am, and what I look like. I am not trying to look like J.lo or Britney, and I don't want to. I am sick of girls who obsess over being thin, as if it will bring happiness and glamour into their lives. Guess what ladies, you will only look sick and hungry. Plastic surgery is just bullshit; we are look different for a reaosn, and I believe that is what makes us beautiful. When it all comes down to it,who the hell cares? Life is about finding people that you can love, who will love you back. Life is about trying to make changes in a world that is in need of change. Life is about laughter, and friendship, and finding your place in the craziness. Life is not about t.v. Life is not about trying to be rich, or the most hot, or sexy. Just be who you are, and like it. there is nobody else out there quite like you.

I feel better now. I just had to get that out. Two years ago, I would have never thought like this. I guess it is when I started to become friends with PMT that I started to change. I didn't change becuase they said to, and I take everything anyone says with great assault, but, they have helped me to use my head a bit more. I still have a long way to go, but I just want to say thanx. Without your friendship, I would be lost, probably, in the Gap somewhere.

Now I shall go rollerblading to burn off the extra steam.

i wake up at 530. my mom has surgery. i hate the hospital, i hate seeing my mom in an inferior position. i hate seeing her in any pain, it make me want to cry. today was supposed to be about her. we get home, after her operation, and everythig is going smoothly. i pull into the driveway, and my car is missing, my brother is not here. my car is missing, and so is my pearl ring. now, my car is at stake, and my ring is at a pawn shop somewhere. have i been that horrible of a sister? i honestly want to think the best of him, but how can i when he does this? the car, i am not as upset about. that ring means so much to me, my aunt gave i to for my 16th birthday, and it was the first piece of nice jewelry i owned, it was an heirloom, and held so many memories. now it is gone. i wanted to be strong for my mom today, but now i find myself crying and wondering how someone who sleeps in the room next to me could do something so awful.

My dear Tina,

All I know how is much I care about you, and that I simply wish for you to not feel this way anymore. I can't say I have or ever will know what it is lie to feel like you do now, but it sounds like the lonliest feeling ever. I love you,and I want you to know that. ....must take mommy to hospital, more later.

tina is coming back! i know, it's crazy, we thought she was gone for the summer, but she has come back to get some stuff. this means there will be a celebration of sorts, and of course, we should play spoons. when celebrating such a friends return, i feel that spoons is always appropriate.

"make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold."- when does a new friend become gold? tina, i think you have achieved the gold status.

i was thinking yesterday, while at work, about how everything, or many things in our lives are based around control and fear. It is the sick notion that sitting at the top of my work ladder, is a big fat ugly man with hair coming out of his ears, and nose, who relishes the fact that he has over 50 cameras in that store to make sure no one is stealing from him. You'd better not be fooling around, or idling, because Burt, "the Notarius" is watching. What a stupid, stupid, petty, rich bastard. That man makes so much money, and does nothing with it. He does not have any sort of scholarship fund, he doesn't seem to give to charity, he just seems fat. Maybe he buys only the best most fttening foods, with truffles in it, so he can mantain that sexy figure.

The strange thing is, that people seem to respect him, or think he is noble. Why can't we go back to the day when capitalism was thought of as evil? It is so horrible to think tht we live in a world, where our value is determined by how much money we have. Why is it that once people who were one day not wealthy, become wealthy, they become huge, greedy assholes, who only care about their money, and don't care that they have hair coming out of all of the holes in their head? I'm talking bout a revolution...when can we al live on that farm Paul?

Now that I think of it, teaching has become one of the only professions in which I think I could stand. It does not involve stores, or selling stuff. Kids are fun, and innocent, and just so much better than the evil adults.

P.S. Mike, there are no killers in your house, you are gonna be just fine. Tina has the same strange fear, but there are only so many murderers, and they are not just randomly hiding out, everytime the house is dark and peopleless. Well, maybe...