Sometimes, i have no idea where my brain is. Today is one of those days. Call it PMS. Call it a brain fart. Call it me being a self centered bitch. I had an emotional hissy fit. Deleted all my posts. Even though i told (e:Paul) i would not ask him to, i have asked him to restore my posts. He did, probably cursing me the whole time. (e:Paul), i will take whatever "punishment" and/or chore you decides to dish out. I also owe you a public apology.

I am sorry, (e:Paul). You do not need the extra work i created for you...

And, i need to apologize to my husband. I am sorry, (e:Uncutsaniflush). You are right. If i was feeling crappy, i should have come to you. Not gone into my stupid and old self-destructive patterns.

Ah, but i did. And the last thing i need to do when i am feeling emotional pain is to give (e:strip) and any (e:peeps) a cyber finger. Sorry, (e:Strip).

This Saturday is my father's 60th birthday. I really want to visit him, but because of car problems, we might not be able to make it. Only yesterday did i fully realize that me feeling a wee bit of a panic at not seeing him, not doing every little thing i could to celebrate the day, was due to the fact that i have some unresolved and deep rooted guilt. Something i thought i had forgotten, or at the very least forgiven myself for. It appears as though i am still re-living the guilt every year.

When i was 11, something really bad happened to me. After it happened, i did not do what i should have done. I should have told adults. I should not have gotten medical attention alone. I should not have let it eat me up inside. I didn't know at the time that it would colour almost everything that would happen to me for the rest of my life. I am just now, 25 years later, fully understanding. I know, now, how much it influenced my drug addiction. How much i became a downright horrible person from the pure unrelenting hurt because a trust i had in someone was so deeply broken. And how i had to see that person every single day and felt like i had to pretend that nothing happened. I just had to pretend i was an evil little brat, something my parents could never figure out. Why did there straight A student, the girl who would talk to and befriend anyone and everyone, suddenly become so downright disrespectful? I fell into a really bad pattern of behaviour. Any drug i could get my hands on, i took.

A year or so later, my dad was so frustrated with his "dreadful daughter", that he punished me for the first time in his life. Whatever i had done, i am sure i deserved the punishment. Perhaps i was caught stealing money from them again -- allowance so did not pay for enough heroin to make it through the week. After he punished me, i decided i was going to punish him back. I stole a buttload of money from him, left a note that i had run away, signed in to a small room at the WYCA with fake i.d. and took a hit that was bigger than i thought i would ever take. I think, now, that i was trying to harm myself. But at the time, i just thought about my anger. Unfortunately, i picked a bad day to to this. Yeah, you guessed it. It was my dad's birthday.

How can i make up for that? How on earth can i ease the guilt i feel for doing this to him? My parents always treated birthdays like a sacred day. And i shit on his. I thought i was past this. I thought i could forgive myself for this. I really had no idea that i hadn't.

.. SUN! For a while when i was dusting today, i saw the sun come out!! I went outside, too, and the air had a spring smell. I love that. The sun was out only for a little while, but it was there... i hope all the people who have Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder saw it too!!! (E:Paul)? Did you see it from the windows at your job?

I think this might go down as one of my most proud moments of 2005....

Today, when i was outside to shovel, i heard a neighbor screech the name "EVA!!" in the most paniced way i have ever heard. I turned back and saw her adorable pug puppy run out into the street. And yes, there was a car coming. I took 2 steps, squatted down and called "Eva, come here girl!" in the most calm yet enthusiastic voice i could. She heard me (thank goodness), turned to run towards me and jumped into my arms. I do not know if she would have cleared to the other side of the street before the SUV came to where she was, but i suspect at the very least, she would have been clipped in the back end. A pug ass is no match for an SUV on any snowy road. Her human was so thankful i thought she was going to cry. Hell, i almost did. Eva is an adorable little thing. Only about 5 months old by now, i reckon. I feel proud i thought fast and helped. Eva, on the other hand, didn't understand the fuss.

I promised ya'll there would be more on the holidays with my crazy ass family[inlink]leetee,103[/inlink], so here it be.

We were fortunate that on the morning of the 24th, the Peace Bridge wasn't particularly busy. In fact, we found it odd that there were so many cashiers at the duty free shop and hardly any customers. Hardly any questions at customs, too... So, we made it to my 'rent's place in record time. Time to go to Licks (damn how i wish they had a location closer to here; even in St Kits would be better!) and get me some veggie poutine! Then, we did something odd. We went to a couple of malls... just to see how crowded they would be. Lame crowds. We could actually walk without having to dodge bodies. What kind of fun is that? Later in the day, i went with my dad to visit his mom. Was nice to see her, but i just don't have much of a connection with her. I guess all those years of her telling me i was going to hell because i do not believe in god and cannot have children just wore me down. I am happy she is mellowing in her old age..

Christmas day was nice. Opened pressies with my parents, hung out. My dad tried to get it out of my mom what the "you will NEVER EVER guess what this present is" that we made for my dad, but she didn't spill. Would have ruined everything. We made him some Kate Bush coasters. See, he has this silly idea that gifts should be something the giver likes, but the receiver doesn't have to. When i argue with him how ridiculous that theory is, i threaten to give him Kate Bush cds, since i love her, and he hates her. Well, this year, we made it look like we burned him some Kate Bush cds, but i had felt stuck on them so he could use them as coaters. Something (e:Uncutsaniflush) says he does when he burns a distro cd wrong -- he makes beer coaters. The look on my dad's face was priceless. My mom liked the calendar i made her. The same one i make almost every year. She has kept them all, too. I have been doing this for her since 1993! I didn't get the chance to do last year, and she missed it. I made a modified one, and it just wasn't the same, she said. Looks like i am stuck doing it until they close their business. They better not do that in January!! My mom made turkey and i made the carrot recipe that was so good, my grandpa wanted it. Got it from Good Eats on Food Network. Carrots cooked in gingerale. Very good. My dad and (E:Uncutsaniflush) worked tirelessly on getting the weekly crossword then the New York Times Crossword puzzles done... with a little help from the bossmom (and nothing from me, i am useless at crosswords!).

Boxing Day (awe, come on, you guys live close enough to Canada so i don't have to explain what that is, do i?) my brother and his family came over. It source of tension with my mom. They haven't been in touch much. They are currently living with my sister in law's parents, while their house is being built. Their last one was burnt down when my brother came home wasted and decided to make deep fried french fries and fall asleep. Thank goodness he was the only one home. Thank goodness the dog woke him up. The new house is almost done. Sometime in January, we heard. They were trying to get it done by xmas, but it just didn't happen. My mom's issue is that they had to spend xmas day with her family. They live with them, and they do not exchange gifts, so why can't they come to see her? I don't know why. I do know that my brother got a new job and had to work on the 27th, so they drove for about 5 hours that day. The kids liked the gifts we got them, which is good. Buying for their age groups is hard enough, let alone the fact that i barely know them. And they barely know or remember me. Or, at least what they buy me for xmas. We agreed not to exchange gifts, just for the kids. And i know my sister in law did the shopping herself, so passing off what they gave me this year as something the kids picked out is not an option. So, now, i have 2 rice cookers. We will test the one they gave us last year (now that the left over tofurkey has been gobbled up), to see if it is me, the foodie that is a moron with rice, or if it is a crappy rice cooker. Then, we will think about whether or not we want to open up the new one, or regift it. So, be warned... if you get a rice cooker from one of us as a birthday gift or an xmas gift next year, it was the one my sister in law foolishly bought and didn't offer to take back or give me a gift recipt for. Then again, i expect so very little from her. She once laughed at me when i told her she upset me. Took me a while to realize that if i wasn't one of her children, then there was no way on earth she was going to care... my brother suspects he is below the dog when it comes to his place in the house in the eyes of his wife. Poor guy.

The 27th, my mom's side of the family came to visit. Not everyone was there this year. My cousin Michael and his wife went to Florida to be with her family, my brother and his family had to leave and, unfortunately, my cousin, Robbie broke up with his girlfriend. My cousin, Krista, had a baby on December 9th, so that cute little thing was passed around a lot, and barely showed her eyes much. In fact, Krista challendged me to wake her up. No luck. Amelia just kept on sleeping. Boss mom manged to get a cry out of her, though...

And here is the evidence.



Here is Amelia and her Mom, Krista.


I really like the composition of this pic, but i hate that our camera autofocused on my cousin, Robbie's bald head rather than Amelia, the cute baby.



And here is part of me, looking like i am cooing her to sleep, when in reality, i am trying to wake her up.



And lastly, or else i will post all the pics of her i have, here is Amelia and her older brother, Jacob.



The 28th, we came home. We could barely get out the information and the customs officer was waving us through. And i came home to a green card in the mail!! Woo hoo!