At 4.30am? I am awakened from a sound sleep with hiccups?!?

Well, %@#&*$%@!!!!!!!!

First, the good..

OK, i know this is going to be early. But that is just so me.

[size=xl]Happy Birthday, (e:Paul)!! [/size]

I hope you have fun whatever it is you end up doing tonight and that your birthday tomorrow is filled with lots of everything wonderful.. oh, and no hangovers!


Next, to shake up the order of things or just for kicks, the indifferent..

We got some righteous bargains yesterday when we were shopping. There was a sale. Spend 25 bucks, get 10 bucks off. Cool. Found (e:Uncutsaniflush) a shirt for 20 and thought of looking for something for 5 bucks so we could use the coupon for 10 bucks off. Couldn't do a gift card. That would have been killer. So, we found these really nice orange (so my favie colour) glass bowls. For 9 bucks. Does this mean they paid us $1 to buy the bowls? I would like to think so.


Last, the bad...

My uncle Tony died yesterday. I don't know how old he was. I never met him. He was older than my dad (he just turned 60). Everyone used to say my dad was the oldest. I used to correct everyone and get in trouble. See, Tony was mentally handicapped. "Retarded" they used to say then. They never thought he could live a productive life, so they stuck him in an institution. Even though i never met him, i feel sad.

Sometimes, i have no idea where my brain is. Today is one of those days. Call it PMS. Call it a brain fart. Call it me being a self centered bitch. I had an emotional hissy fit. Deleted all my posts. Even though i told (e:Paul) i would not ask him to, i have asked him to restore my posts. He did, probably cursing me the whole time. (e:Paul), i will take whatever "punishment" and/or chore you decides to dish out. I also owe you a public apology.

I am sorry, (e:Paul). You do not need the extra work i created for you...

And, i need to apologize to my husband. I am sorry, (e:Uncutsaniflush). You are right. If i was feeling crappy, i should have come to you. Not gone into my stupid and old self-destructive patterns.

Ah, but i did. And the last thing i need to do when i am feeling emotional pain is to give (e:strip) and any (e:peeps) a cyber finger. Sorry, (e:Strip).

This Saturday is my father's 60th birthday. I really want to visit him, but because of car problems, we might not be able to make it. Only yesterday did i fully realize that me feeling a wee bit of a panic at not seeing him, not doing every little thing i could to celebrate the day, was due to the fact that i have some unresolved and deep rooted guilt. Something i thought i had forgotten, or at the very least forgiven myself for. It appears as though i am still re-living the guilt every year.

When i was 11, something really bad happened to me. After it happened, i did not do what i should have done. I should have told adults. I should not have gotten medical attention alone. I should not have let it eat me up inside. I didn't know at the time that it would colour almost everything that would happen to me for the rest of my life. I am just now, 25 years later, fully understanding. I know, now, how much it influenced my drug addiction. How much i became a downright horrible person from the pure unrelenting hurt because a trust i had in someone was so deeply broken. And how i had to see that person every single day and felt like i had to pretend that nothing happened. I just had to pretend i was an evil little brat, something my parents could never figure out. Why did there straight A student, the girl who would talk to and befriend anyone and everyone, suddenly become so downright disrespectful? I fell into a really bad pattern of behaviour. Any drug i could get my hands on, i took.

A year or so later, my dad was so frustrated with his "dreadful daughter", that he punished me for the first time in his life. Whatever i had done, i am sure i deserved the punishment. Perhaps i was caught stealing money from them again -- allowance so did not pay for enough heroin to make it through the week. After he punished me, i decided i was going to punish him back. I stole a buttload of money from him, left a note that i had run away, signed in to a small room at the WYCA with fake i.d. and took a hit that was bigger than i thought i would ever take. I think, now, that i was trying to harm myself. But at the time, i just thought about my anger. Unfortunately, i picked a bad day to to this. Yeah, you guessed it. It was my dad's birthday.

How can i make up for that? How on earth can i ease the guilt i feel for doing this to him? My parents always treated birthdays like a sacred day. And i shit on his. I thought i was past this. I thought i could forgive myself for this. I really had no idea that i hadn't.

.. SUN! For a while when i was dusting today, i saw the sun come out!! I went outside, too, and the air had a spring smell. I love that. The sun was out only for a little while, but it was there... i hope all the people who have Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder saw it too!!! (E:Paul)? Did you see it from the windows at your job?