All my life, i have been a tapper, a thrummer, a fidget monster. When i was a kid, i wasn't allowed to have tic tacs 'cause the sound of me shaking them drove my mom crazy. She was always screaming at me to keep still, to stop tapping, to leave her knitting needles alone. I always thought it was just because i am always uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally and that i need something to do with myself so i don't actually become crazy.

Since before we got married, (e:Uncutsaniflush) has been telling me i would make a good drummer. It used to make me so self-conscious, and i would immediately stop whatever tapping i was doing. Eventually, i was comfortable enough to tap along with a song on the radio when he was near. Now, over 5 years since we met, and 4 since we have been married and spent almost all of our time with each other, he has convinced me that my tapping might lead to something.

Earlier this month, we did some shopping.. browsing and info gathering, really. And it took me a while to decide, but i did. Today, i got my xmas present... to myself and from my wonderfully supportive husand. A brand new drum kit. It scares the fucking shit out of me to begin something like this... i am just a bundle of issues.

But i keep reminding myself that i can do this. That i will do this. That it is supposed to be fun. And i am not too old to learn and do something new. And mostly, that this is supposed to be fun. That i want to do this. That there are times in which the learning process will be frustrating. And that if Meg White can do it, anyone can. Thanks Meg.

Every year for many years now, i have made my mom a calendar for xmas. Last year was the exception. I just didn't have the time after we moved, and finding the file from the year before and getting windows reinstalled back on our comp so i could use CorelDraw just wasn't going to happen. So i altered one (e:Uncutsaniflush) found for me with coloured markers. I know my mom didn't find it nearly as useful. So, this year i was back at it. My mom will get her special calendar. On one 11 x 17 page, it has 3 calendar months on it -- the current month in the middle with the previous month above and the upcoming month below. She uses it a lot for work. The first time i made it for her it took months. I did every single bit by hand. Drew every calendar grid and number and family birthdate on with a sharpie. Today, using CorelDraw, i finished 2006. My mom will be happy to get it this year.

I also found out that cake mixes make really good cookies. I watch a lot of food tv. I just like cooking and baking. I would have made someone a good housewife... And i was watching Semi-Homemade when the very perky host started making cookies with all sorts of weird things. She made one type using chocolate frosting she mixed with butter and graham crumbs rolled into crushed nuts with a hersheys kiss squished on top. Then she got out her cake mixes. And i was hooked. Today, i made one batch with a carrot cake mix and oatmeal. They are pretty good. They were supposed to be with a white cake mix and pumpkin pie spices but i thought the cake mix i had would have those spices. I made another with chocolate cake mix and chips... white and brown. Very good.

We got our first xmas card today. From a woman that used to live next door to my parents. I used to babysit her kids. Nice woman. I think my mom used to think i was weird because i got along with her better than a lot of the kids on our street. What can i say, i was old before i was actually old. It reminds me that i really need to get ours out. I hope the overseas ones make it on time. Back in Canada, they used to say that overseas ones would not make it unless mailed by the 1st of December. I am noticing that USPS is way better than Canada Post.

And mice. Our mouse is back. I thought Max the dog (who visited on American Thanksgiving) scared them away, but one scurried by and interupted dinner tonight. The little bastard mouse! I do not want to kill the damn thing, but if they don't get their furry asses into our humane traps...

It was the 3rd day of December when he was born. This man i love so much. The man who decided to open his heart and his home to me, a weird vegetarian, non driving, emotionally stunted Canadian chick 11 years his junior. He has shown me how hard, yet rewarding, it is to be a better, kinder more open person. He has supported my whims and encouraged me like no other human being ever has before him. There was a time when i was in a shell.. i didn't have a voice to sing. Now, he overhears me singing with a radio. Something i have never done in my life. He has given me a voice. He is my song. He says i make too big a deal of his birthday. But how can i not rejoice the anniversary of the day he was born? How can i not want to shout it out to the sky that this man has given me more than i ever dreamed i would even be able to have? I can't not do it.

Happy Birthday, Walt.

I am in such a bad mood. I have to go to the dentist... in less than an hour.

Thanks (e:Ladycroft) for your comment to my journal. I know, i should be a pro by now, but i am not. I am still a withering blithering coward.

It seems as though my dentist, in his 32 years of dentistry work has never come acorss a nervous system that is as odd as mine. How could it be that my tooth is numb, my nose is numb, my face is numb, but my gums are not? Well, oh joy, oh bliss, something else that proves what a freak i am...

On a possitive note, my dentist is a foodie. Like me, he likes cooking and baking. He found a good source for spices and got some whole nutmeg, which can be very difficult to find. He said he would give me a nut, since he has more than he could ever use. Yay!

Thanks yet again for recommending this office to me, (e:Mike).